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playagrandma...the difference is that I wasn't raised by my mother. She left us when we were little and my Dad raised us kids on his own. My mother stepped back into the latter part of our lives and now expects us to take care of her because 'afterall, she gave birth to us and its her right'.
It's not about smoking or lack of care to her own body. It's not even about her arrogance in thinking its her right to expect such doting attention from us. For me, its about the lack of respect I receive at times even though I'm the only sibling willing to love & care for her, warts and all.
The fact that I cop it when she's not happy with her life is the claw, yet others not committing in her caregiving can't seem to do anything wrong in her eyes. That's what cruels it for me. That's the biggee!
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I really cant say I see any humor in my NM. The only time there is laughing is when all the siblings are together and we make fun of her and that my friends is sad but the way it is. Right now we are in a good place cause she really is having medical issues-most brought on with her smoking and poor eating habits. As a person I am trying to make sure she gets the medical attention she needs-as a daughter I am weary about that because once she is feeling better she will accuse me of interering in her life. So although I use the word guilt-deep down I really have no guilt because I know I have done the best I can for her and have for many years. Thankfully I I have a daughter that respects me and appreciates me as her mother and grandmother to my grandson and the end thats all I need.
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golfgirl its really about the unspoken word, isn't it? I mean, we are all in the same boat, more or less, and even when we don't voice all of our issues, all the others can read between the lines while nodding heads in agreeance...lol.
Some days I'm like a rabid dog after dealing with my mother. Then there are the better days...the days where I can laugh at it all. I've come to appreciate those days a whole lot. Sometimes I sit and reminisce about how much time I had to myself which doesn't yet feel like a lifetime ago. Sometimes I wish I could have those days back and other times I realise that life is like that. We do what we do in each moment and bless the rest. :)
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I agree with you about the card ASympathiser! Normally I don't send a card because I just don't want to. I manage to forget and just take her to lunch or something. I never make a big deal of Mother's Day. However, I think I'll
adopt your plan this year and just buy a card and do the Mothers's Day thing because she is my mother and she did give me life! No more no less! Mother's Day cards usually, like Libracat said, have mushy versus of how we love our mothers, etc, etc - feelings which must of us just don't have! I just can't make myself buy one of those. Mine will be short and sweet - to the point - bingo done!

I think I said in an earlier post how very uncanny it is that all of us have so much in common! I read posts that I could sware were written by me. Too, I like your idea of finding the humor in some things that we read in posting. I have to say there is some one on this site who has the most wonderful profile picture. Look up "ladee". The profile picture says it all - you'll die from laughter!
I'd like to hear your thoughts. Much love to all of you!
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When I read your last post libracat, I chuckled to myself. Sometimes I can still reach down deep and find the absurd humour in something that generally and mostly sees me ripping my hair out. Thank goodness for humour! :)
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PS: The hardest things to conquer in their narcissism are: 1) their belief that they "own" you and that they can demand complete compliance with anything that they want;
and 2) their sense of entitlement from which they believe they are better than anyone else, and that they deserve only the best.
If anyone has a solution to conquering these two facets of narcissism I would welcome hearing from you!!
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I have tried "killing her with kindness" however it just fosters a need formore preferential treatment and reinforces to her that she deserves it!! Going the other way doesn't work either because she just ignores it and pretends there's nothing wrong - she just waits it out until things change.
I have learned not to tell her anything negative about anything in my situation because she gets off on it. I wonder if she knows the meaning of "schadenfreude"!! (sorry I took psychology in college!) I also cannot tell her any of my plans in advance as she will plan her own tricks to sabotage them.
It IS a damned if you do, damned if you don't and that's because the major portion of their plan consists of the fact that you will never, ever please them and they are determined to let you know that! You CANNOT be better than them (I know, I don't need to be or want to be - this is from their perspective).
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Wow! So much good stuff here! Fabulous insight! I find in uncanny how much we all have in common!
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Well, my take on it is....
For all that my mother has or hasn't done. For all that she is or isn't in my eyes, I am alive because she gave birth to me. I have got to be thankful for that, right?
So although the card is never fitting in its wording, I take the plunge and buy one anyway, because no matter what it says, the point is that I am not playing the same game as her..intentional or not.
When she's gone and there's no more cards to buy, at least I can feel okay that I didn't fall into the same trap and live with my choices. So I swallow my hurt and pride and go for it. Make yourself feel good and pick something outrageously ridiculous, regardless of what it says or doesn't say. Afterall, its one day in the year and you know how you feel for the rest of the year anyway. It's just a card.
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It's so interesting that the topic of cards has been brought up......I have struggled with this for years!! I also have mixed feelings about the "lovey" cards, as that is NOT how I feel. I may be able to forgive, but not to forget, the abuse that I was subjected to as a child, I am still dealing with that today, and am still on the end of abuse from her even this week.
I guess the answer is to buy not a "generic" card, but one that expresses our very basic feelings, if you can find one........I try to look for ones that have pictures that are pleasing to her on the front but convey a very simple message for her to enjoy her day.......not the ones that say "you've been such a loving mother to all of us", "we love being at your home because you are so kind and welcoming to us", etc. (mostly because her home is OUR home and we are the ones who have tried to be kind and welcoming!
May I take a moment to wish all of you on this site a wonderful Mother's Day, one that YOU will enjoy in spite of everything - hope the rest of your family pampers and appreciates you!!
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No, I think the issue still is what do YOU do to maintain YOUR sanity? If sending the mushy card will make her happy and less likely to hassle you, do it! Who cares if you feel a little hypocritical? I used to give my dad the FUNNY, cute cards, not the mushy ones, if that works any better.
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whats really hard for me is sending that generic card. I know she will be upset and probably hurt. A couple of my brothers send her real loving ones-its not that they want to but they cant handle the guilt. The problem with me is that she would read word for word and believe that I am thinking all those kind words about her-and I just cant do it. I actually have issues with cards and gifts on mother and fathers day. I feel its what we do for our parents on a day to day basis that should count. Not this one day of the year.
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So I am not the only one who has trouble buying mother's day card-now I feel better-I will just get the most generic one I can find.
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Stay focused. I know it's hard work and a lot of self talk to keep your sanity. It appears you've figured it out. You aren't their target anymore. They will have to find someone else to receive their verbal abuse as they intend it to be received. It won't be you.
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Sorry, playagrandma - then just Google "things narcissistic mothers say" - I'm sure you will find page after page of the sarcastic and self-based rude remarks they come up with. Denigrating others makes their insecurity about themselves go away, temporarily .......also, just research narcissism - you will see how the false sense of self they have created causes so much trouble. They are no "authentic" people - they have grandiose opinions of themselves and live to control and manipulate others. There's a ton of info on it out there!!
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sorry article was removed-would have loved to see it
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To all of you who are suffering and dealing with trying to care for a narcissistic mother, check out: www.ezinearticles.com/things-narcissistic-mothers-and-narcissists-say. It will be a real eye-opener, trust me! If you have heard even one or two of these comments, you will gain some self-affirmation that you are not crazy!
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a couple of things here. Yesterday I went to see my NM and cleaned her closet out. Took me a good part of two hours. She was very appreciative and for that I am thankful. She continues not to too feel good and she continues to pester her dr complaining her anti-depressant isnt working. She dont give them a chance to work so of they arent helping. He had her on paxil two weeks ago-she gave it a week maybe two. Called and complained so he put her on 50mg zoloft. After a week she called and complained about that she upped it to 100 mg. She went a week and a half and once again complained so now he put her back on paxil. I have no idea what this dr is trying to do-except figure out what he can do to help her. She is seeing a gastrologist on weds and hopefully the stomach issue will be addressed

The other thing-I went to buy her a mothers day card today. It took me a half hour. I always try and find the one that is very impersonal. how sad! I found myself-picking up a card and it saying thank you for all you have done for me-you are the greatest mom-you were always there for me. What bs! Whats really sad that one of those mushy cards would really make her happy and yet I just cant do it. What about you? What does everyone do for their NM on mothers day.
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After some very frustrating searching for a place for my mom, I found the perfect one today. NM is already pulling out every trick she can to make me feel guilty. You dont love me, you are throwing me out, you begged me to come here(not true my brother said his wife would leave him) I don't want to make new friends, I have the best friends in Michigan that I write to. Hello you are in Colorado! She plans to just stay in her apartment all the time. News flash I will only go once a week and she will call me with a list of things she needs......Well anyway that is how I plan it to work. We will pick her up for church on sundays. That is all I will commit too right now, the rest depends on her behavior. I know this is only the beginning of this ordeal......she will be moving june 1st. Of course we have to do that for her. I have resolved that if she insists on being miserable that is her choice, at least it wont be under my roof anymore! Right now I can hardly wait for it to be over, but know there are many tough times ahead. Stay strong everyone, do not be a pawn in the game. No manipulation, it is so old and unproductive. Love to all you caregivers and peace.
Marilyn
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Oh I know exactly where you're coming from...too well...sadly!
We can only help those who wish to help themselves. It's the old addage of 'you make your own bed, so you lie in it'. Don't let it spoil your own mothers day celebrations. I gather your an aussie because of the up-coming mum's day? Me to.
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Oh I wish it was that simple with her. She is narisstic and we have to deal with that. Thank for your suggestions and kindness but nothing you suggested would work with her. She wants to be a martyr thus she acts the part. She is a bitter evil woman and frankly was terrible to my dad most of their lives. He loved her unconditionally but towards the end even he started shutting her off. She asked me not too long how she could change-she knows what she needs to do but refuses. Her theory is-she raised us so we owe her. I am the oldest and for years went out of my way to try and do things to make her happy or please her-nothing works. Like I said sadly she will probably spend not only the 8th alone but mothers day.
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Lucky you that you have a handful of siblings to off-load on.
What's tearing is that we have the capacity to step into their shoes and know where they're coming from and why they feel the way they do, but I am also a believer of "don't bite the hand that feeds you!"
The reason I'm drawn to working with the aged, is because I care too much, but sadly people play on that. It would be way easier for us all to throw our hands in the air, walk away while saying 'you deal with it then'....but we don't and that's why you find us on places like this spilling our laments....lol
It's sad when one-half of a couple is left behind to cope into old age without the loving intimate support of their spouse. I feel for the poor darling and she's probably telling you the truth that she'd rather be dead.
The thing is, with aging, it's difficult to find something to give them a passion for life again, so it all spirals downhill into their own self-pity and bitterness. There is no perfect solution, but at least you have a quorum of helpers at your side to aid with the burden.
If you think she would react well to it, perhaps you could all get together and plan a mums-day meal and make a big thing of it by celebrating your dad on the day. Set a place for him. Put his photo there. Place a meal in his spot and indulge your mum into telling you the happiest moments she shared with your dad. It helps to know that she is not alone in missing him.
Cheers
ASympathiser
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sympathiser-wow honey I do sympathise with you. I am very lucky though-I have three brothers and a sister that are in this with me all the way. And also I have one grandchild and him and I are best buddies. You bet I try and be the grandma my NM never was or ever will be. I am going to see her tomorrow-I know she is going to through the motions hoping veryone will feel sorry for her. After all mothers day is coming up. I am leaving on the 8th to be with my daughter and my NM may just once again be alone because no one wants her around. She is her own worst enemy. My sister told me tonight we all should just tell her that if she keeps this up-not listening to the drs or anyone-that she will have to go into the nursing home. I cant see that working but something has to give with her. Akso she told my oldest brother today that she is hope or is planning on dying this coming tuesday-the anniversary of my fathers death four years ago. What really is sad is that she lost her father on mothers day.
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playagrandma
It's comforting to know I am not alone with a selfish mother. It's extremely demanding, hair-tearing and wears you down to the point where you can observe yourself as a screaming bag-of-rage, yet you can't seem to control it when it hits. You desire family members to hear you, but they all seem to have no ears or an ounce of sympathy in their bones. No one wants to know, or help.
It's gets so bad sometimes that I find myself wishing my mother would just die and solve everything. I bet you know how that one thought screws with your mind!
Last night was one of those bad nights with her huge dummy-spits. It was so bad and demeaning that I couldn't even get up today, face the world and go to work to deal with more aged people and be able to find a smile I just didn't have within me.
Worse yet....since Xmas I've been disowned by my eldest son for not being able to live up to his own expectations of what a grandma should be to his children. That was earth-shattering in itself and I can't seem to fix it. All I can see is me ending up being like my mother...a lonely, bitter old lady.
So I feel for you dear. More then you can imagine. It's sad that at 61, I am the mother to my child-mother with a younger sister whose found a good excuse not to have to deal with her.
Today I resolved that she can stew in her own juices for a few days to perhaps realise who it is that's doing all her caring and visiting.
I'm hearing you and I can only take my own advice to you and say "find that personal power within you once and a while. It DOES help!"
Good luck
A Sympathiser
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Would she be happy if you saw her when sick-that would be another can of worms-since nothing makes her happy do what you think best-my Mom gets so ticked off so easy-she is very selfish.
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Thanks Austin, well only time will tell with her-but I do feel better handling her like this. She was so pathetic when I was there on Monday, I almost wanted to feel sorry for her. She makes her own misery. My youngest brother normally sees her every monday after he gets off work and takes her to dinner. She decided monday that he should not go out and asked me to tell him which I did. So I get a call last night wanting to know if I told my brother to go out last night-I told her no and she blew up. She said I was to tell him and now she had been waiting-nothing to eat in her apartment and she tried calling him and no answer. Oh by the way-she was so mad cause she was feeling soooooo good now. Its really a never ending battle with her. I am to go out friday but now I have a cold and feel rotten-I do know if I cancel she will not be happy but you know what-tough!
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Play you handled that good-you are detaching but there for her-it is amazing how they can pick and choose what to tell whoever I do not know how they keep it all straight-Judge Judy says if you tell the truth you do not have to have a good memory.
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I have an update on the situation on my NM. Well after not talking to her for several weeks, I decided I would get visit her this week. I called her sunday, and agreed to see her this coming friday. Of course I got the you know I love you and all my troops(this is what she called her kids)and thanked me for calling. okay that went well. But then bam-8 that night she calls me. Asked me how soon could I go yesterday morning. She said was dehydrated(she wasnt)and how she isnt sleeping and eating and thought I would need to take her to the dr. So I went out. I live about 45 miles away and I arrived early before she called the dr. When I got there-she tells me she is okay. She drank three glasses of water and feelling better. I said no way, you are going to the dr-call and make an appointment. I wasnt sure what I was going to tell the dr. After quizzing her-she has been eating-not alot and she has lost 6 pounds in a month however she is only 5'1 and really needed to lose some weight. And sunday night was really the only night she hadnt slept good. However there was two things, I needed to talk to the dr about. One, her ongoing problem with bowel movement accidents-she had one before going to the dr and her apparent confusion on her medications. To make a long story short-he dr finally checked her stomach and he discovered some miscomfort and she will now see a specialist. Then we found out she was taken a pill the dr had discontinued. Not sure where the fault here-the drs office or the pharmacy. NM gets her pills in a pill box so not her fault. Not sure how this problem will be solved but we shall take one day at a ti me. At least we will find out once and for all why the accidents with the bowels. I suspect its probably just not being able to control it and the stomach probably because she doesnt get enough fiber and water. This is what I have wanted all along. It was the reason why I went with her the dr the first time back in feb. And another thing why the dr cant treat her properly-she lies to him. The first thing she told him she hadnt been eating or sleeping. You could tell he was frustrated especially the sleeping part-I quickly pointed out to him that the only sunday night she didnt sleep good.. I cant always go to the dr with her. She calls that poor dr several times a week and like he said, he can only go by what she is telling him. He had upped her zoloft last monday and already she is telling me it isnt working-he said please give it time. I am going back out friday to clean out her closet and maybe take her out to lunch for mothers day-as I leave on the 8th for six weeks. i will report back. I feel good right now cause I least I got the message across to the dr about the bowels. have a good day everyone!
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So it seems she may have gotten the message! I think this won't be the end of reminding her, though. Step by step. Good luck!
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Good morning! Thought I would report the latest on my NM. She has been very quiet for the last month. No phone calls to me or my oldest brother. Both of us decided to just stay away from her and hopefully she will get the message. She finally called my brother saturday -she left a voice mail and it was a very positive one. So my brother called her and he said she even asked about other family members-which she never does. He is going to see her thursday. As for me the jury is still out-I will see how his visit with her goes on thursday. If she is good, then I will probably see her sometime next week. We keep hoping that maybe just maybe she finally got the message. Howeve we are very cautious. Thanks for all your support.
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