I am 64 and my mother is 82-I recently moved to the area she lives in. She lives by herself in a retirement community. She is selfish, controling and is alway lying. Now she is always been this way but getting worse. I am trying to help her but when I do -she says I need to mind my own business. If I cant go take her someplace she pitches a fit like a 5 year. Please someone give me some advice. I have seen therapists in the past and all told me I needed to divorce her. Not sure I can because of guilt and also thinking about my dad-who died four years ago-he loved her even though she was awful to him. Please what should I do
You mentioned two options: "Do we just give in or continue the tough love, knowing it do a damn bit of good."
For what it is worth, here is what I would suggest. Just safe yourself. That's all you have the power to do. It's not about giving in and it's not so much about tough love. It's about extricating yourself from the mental illness of another who wants you involved in her nightmare.
You can't change her and you can't save your brother. I hope he will save himself too, but you can't do that for him. You can, however, be a voice of reason to him when he can no longer cope. He has a better chance of coming back to reality than your mom will ever have.
I hope you have caller ID and can choose which call to answer when you are at home. Maybe you can block her phone number so you no longer can receive voice mail messages from her. I don't know if it is realistic to disconnect your answering machine. I know we are all so dependent on our devices, but please try to find a way to lessen her ability to manipulate you.
My heart goes out to you and I realize it isn't easy. Best regards, Cattails
I am so upset. I cannot get this woman out of my mind and not with worry but with hatred. I should be concerned about my health and I am. I have high blood pressure and this dont help at all. My middle brother is going to go talk to her today. I worry about him. He is lupus and crohns and stuck in a teaching job with inner city kids. None of us know what to do anymore. Do we just give in or continue the tough love knowing it wont do a damn bit of good. Any help here would be greatly appreciated. Thank goodness I am not near her right now and I have my grandson-we are taking him to a movie and for pizza today.
Thanks everyone for allowing to vent. And have a great sunday funday.
So why is it, I don't have the normal feelings a daughter should have with this news? Why couldn't I bring myself to hug her frail body or hold her hand? I feel so emotionally dead and struggling with my feelings to find that place within me that pines knowing I could lose my mother tonight. :(
After 5mths of laying in her bed, growing weaker by the day, my mother decided last night at 2am in the morning that she wanted me to ring an ambulance for her to take her to hospital. Its not as if she hasn't been told for 5mths by everyone involved, that it would come to this. So here I am being woken out of a deep sleep by the phone ringing. She also rang the next-door neighbour. So a quick trip over to her place, ambulance arriving, etc....the paramedic asks her "why ring us tonight and not yesterday, or last week?" Her answer...."Cause I got the s**ts with it all." ahhhh...dahhh..it took 5mths to get to that?!!!!!
So here we are with a lung infection (from lying on a bed for 5mths) and other graver things. later.
Well, guess what! Even my golden-child sister (on her once every 2mth visit) got the cold-shoulder & the sword-tongue on her visit last weekend. Nothing different to what I've been enduring forever! We are all out-of-favour now...except the next-door-neighbour, it seems.
So you see playagrandma...i wouldn't let it bother you none. In these people's eyes, there is NOTHING you do that is done right! ....EVER!!!****
stick with that, playa -
"I am trying real hard to stay strong-to not let the guilt overtake me. "
and stick with that
The only reason you feel guilty is because she had trained you to feel that way, and that you are responsible for her happiness, which is, incidentally, unachievable. We are brought up to tolerate behaviour way beyond what is healthy or normal - it is abusive.
Take deep breaths and keep reminding yourself of these resolves -
don't give in to her demands, or even her apologies because you know they are not sincere
let your brother deal with her
stay strong and do not let the guilt overtake you.
You have done nothing to feel guilty about . Arousing feelings of guilt in you is her sick way of manipulating you. Remember that narcissists use FOG - fear, obligation and/or guilt to manipulate other to do what they want. It is all about attention and control.
Good for you - rooting for you - hugs and prayers Joan
Have a good weekend everyone. Love you all
LOL! that's too ridiculous to even respond to ***
with a narcissist "No good deed goes unpunished" so you are d*mned if you do or d*mned if you don't so may as well go ahead and do what you feel right about.
Don't worry you will not turn out like her - not a chance!
Uhm... Elvira and Suddenobvious - since you both are so gungho pro-elderly care who should NOT be sent to NH, etc... Would you be willing to fly here - at your expense - and help me care for my 2 bedridden parents? Since I'm not able to afford to pay you both, can you put it in your heart to work one for day shift and the other night shift so that my parents can remain home? I've had a very difficult time finding relatives to watch for FREE. But, based on your comments here, perhaps, you would like to do so - out of the goodness of your heart? I would really, really appreciate it!
Oh, by the way, my oldest sis who had a nervous breakdown will be moving here soon. She tends to talk to "people who can't see" and stares into space, and laughs out of the blue. So, you may need to be caring for her too. Careful, she may sneakily smoke a cigarette in the bedroom. You must prevent her from doing this because my mom is on oxygen machine.
What do you think? Want to apply your beliefs into action? Airfare is about $1800-$2100.00 roundtrip. But you don't need roundtrip. One-way is fine - about $1300.00.
And in case you missed it,,,,Aging Care, connecting people caring for elderly parents... DUH, this is a support group.... I'm not sure what you think we should be talking about... please feel free to give us your input.... pretty sure we will go on as we have been, but hey, you feel the need to have something to say also, so we are listening...
I've been on this "site" for years, and to think I had it wrong all this time... silly me.