My mom has always been the type of person who never has an ordinary cold, but is at death's door, is hypersensitive to every ache and pain, and has acknowledged psychosomatic behavior in the past.... And seemed genuinely happy to just give up on everything once she was diagnosed with hep C, and let the rest of the world take care of her. So, now I am her caretaker and I'm never really sure how sick she really is. Every day she wakes with a list of minor aches/pains/dry skin/etc that she tells me about in detail. However, it's nearly the same thing every day, and I tell her, yes, of course you have this ache/your tummy's upset/whatever - you have hepatitis c! (and I haven't been able to get her to visit a doctor in about 2 years!!) She's physically quite able when she decides to be, can walk up and down the hill to the mailbox, make her own bed, load and unload the dishwasher, but if it's something she doesn't want to do, she is just too sick. With all the complaining about little things, I don't know how well or ill she REALLY is, and I don't tend to react with much sensitivity to her complaints anymore. Also, she washes her hands so much, she's starting to get sore spots (which she asks me if it's ringworm. sigh.) And, finally (and this probably deserves another post) she never, ever stops talking or respects my own personal/mental space.
Everyone is different, but I would start with her doctor. What I learned from him and researching my mom's ailments was that certain mental health conditions can cause physical symptoms. Even though they seem contrived, fake or exaggerated, they often will not just go away without treatment and often Depression and Anxiety can cause real medical problems like recurring infections, back ache, headaches, feeling dizzy, nausea, exhaustion, sleeping disruption, itching,ear aches, etc. I would ask about medication and a psychiatric evaluation.
I never thought my loved one would agree, but she's now agreeing after years of denial. She's also trying a new medication. Her primary care doctor says meds with the psychiatrist visits are the best route for healing.
Over time, I had stopped responding to the constant complaints. After a while, I would just say, you'll need to see your doctor about that. I would not discuss her complaints.
What really made the impact is when her primary told her pointblank that she needed help. She had so many alarmist doctor and ER visits and nothing was wrong with her. She was completely exhausted and in mental pain. She told him she wanted to go. So, hang in there. There is always hope.
I take it that you're supporting her? Then it's a condition of your continued financial support.
If you can, seek counseling for yourself. Learn how to respond neutrally to her obsessions about her health so that you don't play into them.
I guess I just have to keep encouraging her to pick/see a doctor. I can't do a thing for her complaints.
About her reluctance to do things -- Most of us probably don't feel good enough to do things we don't want to do. :D However, it doesn't mean that someone has to do it for them. People who are depressed actually feel better if they keep themselves busy. Nothing is more depressing than just sitting around doing nothing. In your shoes, I wouldn't do things for her that I know she can do for herself. If she doesn't feel good enough to do it now, maybe she will feel good enough soon and the task will still be waiting for her.
I would work with the doctor to convince her to get better. Once her doctor confirmed that depression/anxiety were at work and that her MRI, EKG, blood tests, etc. were fine, she had to accept. I keep supporting her and telling her that stress was wearing her down. I call it stress, but it's code word for Anxiety/depression. It's taken us YEARS to get her there and if she cancels the upcoming appointment, our family is having an intervention. She has to go. It's already been discussed and agreed upon by our family.
Also, if she has trouble with pills, ask for liquid form that she can take tiny drops and gradually increase. Something that will work well with her existing meds and medical problems.
She has no problem taking pills - she's just always look for external causes to her ailments/complaints, so it's the meds, it's the meal she ate last night, it's LED lights on the TV and modem, it's the kitties....
She is living with you. That gives you some control, I would think. "Mom, if you want to continue to live here, you must make and keep an appointment to see a doctor before September 15. If you are not willing to do that, for me, then I am not willing for you to continue living here."
She may or may not be a candidate for hepatitis treatment. But anxiety and depression are definitely treatable and that needs to be addressed. If one drug is not suitable, another will be.
Of course you want to be sympathetic. She's your mother. But instead of listening her go on and on with her complaints, maybe you should say, "Let's put that on our list of things to talk to the doctor about at your appointment." And then do make a list, dating each complaint. That would give the doctor an idea of what is going on.
Take advantage of your power, for her sake.
She has a really strong sensitivity to manipulation/ultimatums. If she even suspects she's being coerced - Oooh boy!
But, innyhoo, this convo really helps me reaffirm my commitment to getting her to see a doctor and to respond with all of your suggestions, especially "Let's put that on our list of things to talk to the doctor about at your appointment." and making the list. I can tell you, when I do mention talking to a doctor about x, y or z, she usually comes back with, "oh, it's not that bad, I just needed to whine" but sometimes with "Yeah, you're right." so I have some hope.
Dealing with this kind of thing is very stressful. Since you have no one to help support you, I'd get a counselor to give you support.
His respond was THROW MOMMA FROM THE TRAIN!!!
Perhaps you had to be here, but it was really funny there for a Moment!
Psuds1970, I'm sorry, I truly meant no disrespect, as we too have been 24/7 caregiving for the past 13 years in our home, his Dad! It's enough to drive you to drink, but don't do that! I understand totally what you mean, and you have my deepest sympathy! Youve been given some really suggestions by some of the best on this site, and we too, are doing our best to remedy our own situation.
Its tough, when it's your parent, and getting to that conversation of "YOU GOTTA GO, for Our Own Sanity and Quality of Life". We are in a bit of a different scenario, in that we've been in this house so long, and my husband went through a terrible car accident 8 years ago, that rendered him disabled due to back pain, and he's had to be very careful not to overextend, or it wrecks his back, ya see, we are all getting older! We are going through 27 years of household and the tons of collectibles we somehow ever felt we needed, JESUS! SO now we are paring down, and sprucing up and readying this house to sell, hopefully in the spring of next year! At that time, our plan is to have hubby's Dad evaluated by a Geri Psychologist, and possibly another Dr, to see what the right fit is for his physical and cognitive decline. As I see it, Assisted Living, or Nursing Home, as those will probably be his only choices.
I'm sorry your situation is difficult too, caregiving is definitely not for everyone, and frankly, we are beyond burnt out, so we keep chanting, I think I can, I think I can, over and over again, and jusr suck it up 8-10 more months, ut we are definitely making Big Changes in our home, so that we can recapture our lives! I hope you can do this too!
Getting her to stick with one doctor was the key for my loved one. He finally told her that anxiety and depression were causing her pain and suffering AND that it was at the point that she needed to treat it with med and psychiatric care.
I have printed out online articles that discuss how headaches, backaches, dizziness, etc., MAY be associated with anxiety and depression, AFTER your doctor rules out actual causes and given them to my mom. My mom will acknowledge it, but later renege. lol All we can do is try. I don't know if she will ever get relief. Her meds are helping. But, that's an issue, because now she feels better and that she might not need to see the psychiatrist! Not good.
I do get rather annoyed when I recall me begging my dad to get her to a psychiatrist in 1988 for this problem. I told him it would only get worse and cause enormous pain and suffering for her and the family. He was outraged and flat out refused, saying I was insulting her. I dropped it and never said another word until lately. Now, I won't drop it. I was right then and I'm right now and the doctor supports my contention! It's hard when a good man like my dad was dead wrong. His ignorance and pride costs my mom many years of pain. It's very sad. He suffered too, because he's had to deal with it.
It helped sometimes for me to suggest alternatives to the doctor. And other times I learned to say No. That led to a battle each time. She would scream that I didn't care if she died or not. Saying no led to a problem inside myself. I would wonder what if something really was wrong this time. Still I would try to stick with my No and it turned out to be okay. Other times she would call the doctor behind my back and set things up even after I said No. It was a maddening situation, so I know what you're going through.
The cure for her hypochondria came when her doctor retired. Her new doctor was not so much to her liking. So no more requests for multiple appointments. My mother is still sick every day all day long, but at least she isn't going to the doctor so often. This was not meant to sound snippish. My mother has been sick all day long for over 7 years now. She seems to get some gratification from always being a sick person. When someone asks her how she is, she lets them know her maladies. (People soon learn not to ask.) She also gets free maid and caregiving services from her daughter by being too sick to do things. Grr. We do the best we can.
Gigi - I feel ya - sometimes I worry that I was groomed for this job (mom caregiver) my whole life, and this is just her long term game plan to avoid any work or responsibilities. I knew I was doomed when her longtime boyfriend dumped her 15 years ago....
I will say that at some point, you have to decide when the loved one's illness is depleting your resources and preventing your happiness. I've been thinking about that lately as I surveyed my situation. While there is hope on the horizon and the meds are helping, I'm still keeping my options open, with my situation. I will not stay in an environment that is not healthy for me. I am renovating my house and preparing to move there. If I can't make a real difference, I won't stay around for the fallout.
Best wishes to you and your situation.