Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Zombie - to answer your question: yes, your Dad could use up a million dollars, considering his age and the nature of his illness. If his psych nurse is asking him about a nursing home, that means he is probably eligible already to go into a nursing home. Of course he says he doesn't want to go - almost all infirm elderly people say that, and in his case all he says is "no", right?

The issue is not that it's not your house. The issue is that it's not your money, and it may be money that your Dad will need further along for his care. It may be spending money he needs for his care on a home is can no longer safely live in. I know you desperately want thing to work out so that the house gets fixed and you get to live in it forever, but I think your own needs are clouding your judgment about what's best for Dad.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

When his psych nurse talks to him, he says he does not want to go to a nursing home. He is clear about that. The bathroom has not had anything done to it in 39 years, there is mold on every surface, a large hole in the subfloor due to the shower leaking (tiles coming off), holes in the drywall from the leaks (not plumbing, it's the tiling and shower pan that leak), and so on. My old father would have patched it himself and not hired someone. My mom would have had it fixed. She hired someone right before she died, and that person flaked out. Why was it ok for mom to hire someone and not me? Is it because she had legal right to the house? She never worked after the age of 19 when she got married. She lived it up (acting, having affairs) while I have always worked full time and used to give my parents 25% of my earnings and did most of the housework since I was about 13 and did 90% by 10 years ago as far as house and yard work. I now do 100% of course. Mom always told me, "This is not YOUR house." But, I've only lived here. I care about the house and every plant and animal on the 5 acres. I cannot live elsewhere. It's my life. I have some money of my own by the way and will use it for some renovations that my old dad would have covered just to avoid questioning (mostly from strangers). Is dad really going to use up nearly a million dollars? That seems ridiculous.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Zombie - I'm afraid that your own desire to live in your father's house for the rest of your life may be clouding your judgment about what financial expenditures (and living arrangements) are in his best interests. I'm not saying you're wrong, just that you're not able to look at it objectively. You believe that your father's funds are enough to cover both the home repairs and his care expenses, but you don't really know that. He's a relatively young old man, he could live for many years. Your father can't really express his views on this, which makes the situation even stickier. I would not move forward without a much better idea of what his prognosis is, and what the trajectory of his illness is likely to be.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Zombie, some of us here have described our parents as being energizer bunnies with low batteries, they may have slowed down but they just keep going and going. I would have never believed my own mother would still be with me at age 97 and seemingly no closer to dying when I started caring for hers 5 years ago (when I thought her death was imminent). Even though your father spends his days sleeping he still needs supervision, the days when you can safely leave him alone for more than a little while may be numbered. He is in much the same position as a small child would be, unable to help himself in an emergency and unable to make safe reasonable decisions when left alone.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

About the "no" part. I have found the easiest thing for an elder to say is no. I hear no so much that it shocks me when I hear yes. I usually don't consult with my mother except to tell her we need to have something done. She won't want to spend the money, but also doesn't want the house to fall down since she wants to die here. So I tell her how much it will cost. She is always shocked, but seems to know the world is more expensive now than it used to be. It cushions the shock a bit if I tell her what the high estimate was. It makes the accepted lower estimate sound like a bargain!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Zombie, water damage does need to be tended to and repaired. It gets worse the longer it is left. Get three estimates from good companies and move the money to cover the cost. You can tell others the simple truth -- that maintenance needs to be done if your father wants to keep a roof over his head. Pipes will be expensive, but if they are dripping, they can cause thousands of dollar damage or potentially ruin a house. Same with the roof and gutters. Your brother is probably hesitant because you live there. He is probably seeing your service as a caregiver to be of no consequence. Some siblings are like that. Your father's money is to make sure he has what he needs. That includes a safe place to live. Spending the money will also protect the property that is part of the estate, so your brother is being short-sighted in not wanting to spend the money.

My advice would be different if your father wouldn't be there much longer and there were no heirs interested in the house. Houses often do have large maintenance costs, particularly old houses, so the money needs to be spent to maintain them.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Yes, I wish we all could predict life spans. My father has been sedentary for 3 years in his recliner, sleeping and staring at the TV. He can't really communicate. His blood pressure is low enough that the doctor was concerned. His skin is cold and pale from lack of circulation. He has Type 2 diabetes and very high cholesterol. He gets no exercise. He has some kind of rare dementia that presents like frontotemporal dementia. Do you really think he will live 15 more years? It matters because I will never consider putting him in a nursing home for that long at $100,000 a year. His money would run out in just a few years. I'm paying $1000 a month just for twice a week cleanings. I'm "lucky" that he just sleeps when I'm gone and doesn't really need someone to keep him from getting in to trouble. He's had more fecal incontinence though, and he doesn't even know he does it, and he won't even change his clothes unless I insist.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Zombie, I see from your profile that your Dad is only 77 years old. My parents lived in their mid-to-late 90's. Hopefully your Dad has enough to cover for the next 10 to 15 years. My boss's wife had Alzheimer's for 15 years. So one doesn't know how long this journey will be, or what the costs will be.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Why would I sell the only home I know and sentence all my animals and plants to death? He has enough money for his care without selling the house.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Zombie, as for remodeling the house, from what you describe about your father's health, chances are he might need to move to Memory Care or a nursing home before the remodeling is done. Save that money and use it for his care.

Sell the house "as is" as there are flipper out there that will purchase a house that needs work. The equity will go to your Dad's care.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

After my brother married an evil and greedy woman, my parents changed their will from the usual 50/50 split to try to protect me. I get 50%. My brother gets 40% in trust to be given to him at his death (yes, I can't make that up; it would then go to his daughter unless I die first; then, he'd be trustee of his own trust so it could be dissolved). His daughter gets 10% at age 25 (she's 11 now). I am trustee of both trusts with him as secondary. A lawyer said I had to pay rent to them unless we come to an agreement but, otherwise, they have no say. My brother keeps saying he's going to move home but, if he hasn't divorced that woman in 19 years, I doubt it would happen. If he moves home, the lawyer said I don't have to pay him rent. All the liquid money is outside the confines of the will (IRA's, life insurance) and split 50/50. My brother makes a lot more money than I do so he doesn't even need it. His wife is controlling and cruel so he tries to be that way with me since he never gets his way with her. To my brother and his nasty wife, safety (mine or my father's) is not as important as money, money that never gets spent, saved for my niece's education and a rainy day that probably won't come before I die.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Uhm, I have to ask, how can you plan on staying in this house after your father passes away? Will the estate not have to be divided between you and your brother? I don't expect an answer, I just hope you aren't planning a future based on hopes and dreams.
Putting that aside, as your father's financial agent you have a duty to make wise financial decisions, ensuring that there is proper maintenance of the house would be part of that, and any renovations to make the home safer and more accessible for him would be the responsible thing to do as his medical proxy.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

Zombie, you are behaving perfectly correctly: getting estimates from reputable tradesmen and comparing them to ensure best value for money. If your father and brother still don't like the numbers, tough! Your father is no longer capable of making these decisions, which is why he has entrusted you with that responsibility.

I know it's hard not to feel hurt and in the wrong when you're criticised by people it's your habit to defer to, but those times are past. You are in the driving seat now, and for very good reasons. Trust yourself. Hugs.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

I moved to this house in 1977 at the age of 4 when my parents had it built. I want to die there. I've endured a lifetime of emotional, verbal, and physical abuse from my parents just so I could stay there. Why? I was rejected by humans so animals are my life. We have five acres and lots of animals. I need the renovations but my father needs them too. Trust me, it's not fun to be in the laundry room and look up to two gaping holes in the drywall ceiling covered in mold from the leaking shower above. Dad has enough money in IRA's to cover both care for him (even if he ended up in a nursing home) and renovations.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Zombie, are you living with your dad in his home? After reading your account it seems to me the obvious answer is to move him to a more senior friendly place rather than sink $$ into renovations and repairs. If you add up his average monthly expenses and factor in the costs of renovations you may see that it doesn't make good business sense to continue as you are, depending on your location an AL could include room, food, and care for $3K/month. Or you could both move to a IL apartment if it is your choice to remain his primary caregiver.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

If you have full financial POA, you should not have any problems moving his money around. If you are using all of the money for his care and wellbeing, you should not worry about feeling like a criminal.

I also don't tell my mother what things cost. Her prices are back in the 1980's and she would freak out if she knew what I was spending.

You should weigh the benefits of fixing the place up against how long you can realistically expect him to be able to live there. I did a $16K renovation on my mother's bathroom to make it fully handicapped accessible with the belief that she would be using it for many years. So far, to years in, I have no regrets. It has paid for itself many times over. But, would I have done it if I thought she would not be able to live somewhat independently much longer,...no
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

when I looked at your post and how unsafe the house is and the expense to fix it up, I don't know why you don't look at a nursing home - they are not the institutions your dad probably remembers. My dad doesn't want to be in his nursing home - but he praises the care, the food, the activities, and having other guys his age that he knew in his youth. Plus, he is being well taken care of - the main thing.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

Oh, I wanted to add something "funny." Last week, when he refused to be cleaned by the caregiver, I said to him, "Do you want me to call adult protective services, have myself arrested, and have you put in a nursing home?" He said, "Yes!" He's always been against a nursing home. It's so expensive, and he sleeps 20 hours a day.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter