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How does one get a parent into a nursing home without her consent? The mother is very abusive verbally and emotionally. She has had mental issues all her life and takes medication that she has been on for a long long time. I do not want her in my home any longer but she disagree with a nursing home altogether including any social assistance or community help. Very stubborn and I was considering talking to her doctor to see about some medication, but she probably won't take it. I am at my wits end and can't stand her everyday. She constantly tells me what a horrible daughter, person I am, that I'm a joke, stupid bitch, and criticizes everything I do and say. Can't stand her....I hated her as a child growing up and understand alot more now why as she was so self absorbed with her own issues that there was no room for growth or nurturing. She thinks she has been a good mother, but truly doesn't have a clue. My father enabled her for all her married years and now I have taken over that role. She may be old but she knows what she is saying and doesn't care about being hurtful to me. I do not have any other support from family which is very small and find this extremely difficult.
Frustratedtoo, I am so glad to hear that you are willing to remove your toxic mother from your home! You want her out, but I don't suppose you are going to pack her bags and park her on the curb. You want her cared for -- just not by you!
Call Adult Protection Services and explain the situation. Ask for their help in protecting your mother from her own impairments, somewhere other than your home.
There is a very long and educational and inspiring thread under Discussions that deals with this very topic. Lisa needed her abusive mother out of her home, and mother was not willing to leave. The thread documents the agencies Lisa dealt with, the evicition notice process, the emotional roller coaster, and much more. It is called "Two years this July my mother has been living with me. She is a mean and hateful woman and I just can't do it anymore." This is proof positive that it can be done. It isn't easy. This is not some theoretical advice or three easy steps to remove your mother from your home. It tells it like it is, as it is happening. Although it is very long, I think you will find it worthwhile.
While your response is appropriate here, I think it will be even more helpful to you to start a new thread, for just this specific topic.
After reading all the comments about this issue I realize the best solution is you don't have to deal with it. To me, abusive people are no different than garbage- you dump it in the trash to be be disposed of. I could not control the abuse when I was young, but as an adult I can chose not to put myself in that situation ever again. I have 0% sympathy for abusive parents that are now the "frail elderly". Let them at least experience the loneliness and helplessness from their absentee abused adult children.
Eddie...wow, my heart goes out to you. Your mother broke the law and clearly committed child abuse. Whether or not this is ever on legal record or acknowledged, you have no need to ever be connected to your mother in any way.
I hope you have a safe, happy, blessed life free of abuse. I wish the same for myself!!
I grew up with both of my adoptive parents being verbal, mentally and physically abusive. I have learned that there was nothing that I could do that would please them, sad lesson to learn at any age.
My Dad has since passed away 23 years ago, but my Mom is still here. Earlier this year she had a stroke and it was then confirmed that she can do almost anything but cook for herself. We tried many different options and everyone of them were displeasing to her. Mom's weight was down to 80 pounds (by her lack of seeing she could not cook proper meals).
So when she ended up in the hospital with the stroke the doctor released her to go home along with prescribing physical therapy, the doctor stated that if my Mom refused the therapy like she did the last time she was going to a nursing home.
Upon hearing that my step-sister and I got Mom into an intense physical therapy hoping that she would get the chance to learn to eat better and also get the therapy that she needed to get strong again. One month later she had gained the weight that she needed and she had the use of her body once again, she does need assistance with the help of a cane or a walker. Our only fear was that her house has stairs and we were afraid she would fall trying to get out of the house.
Mom and I talked about me coming home to help out with some of the stuff that she needed. I was delighted that I would be able to help Mom and it was a joy to be around her(thought she changed..you know with age and such).
I even thought if her oldest grandchild (33 years old) came to visit for a bit, while I got a job that she would enjoy spending time with him. All I can say is I am very gullible, and maybe I live in fairy tale..it has been a very big mistake. I left my job, apartment, my two other kids to come back here..now she says that I am not welcome here in her home and that this is not my home (not until she is dead).
I am not sure what I am going to do now..never wanted to see her in a nursing home, but my options are few since I will not be put through her hatefulness in my adult years.
If anyone can give some advice..I would be thankful for it. I am starting to record her when she is being mean and I will begin to look for a doctor that deals with elderly people..but is there anything else I can do?
Thankfully I still have my sense of humor..but my heart is broken.
Your mother was verbally, mentally and physically abusive while you were growing up, but you hoped it would be a joy to be around her in her time of need. Oh, honey, hope springs eternal, doesn't it?
I am glad you decided you will not put up with hatefulness in your adult years. She does not want you in her home. Leave. If that means she winds up in a nursing home, so be it.
I have found from personal experience that most of these hateful, spiteful cruel seniors were hateful, spiteful and cruel young adults who kept their spouses and children under their thumbs and installed so many psychological buttons that they then sit on their little thrones of evil and dictate in their elderly years. I was in my teens when I started noticing abusive behavior from my grandparents toward my mother who was their caregiver. I started not just looking at the situation that was at hand, but listening to stories I would hear my mom talk about. I then learned this was an emotionally abusive situation that went on for decades. My grandparents have been gone close to 20 years and my mom still asks me, "why" on some things and I tell her, "it's because they were emotionally abusive people who thought they were better than everyone else." Oddly enough, even though my mom knows -- she still will get mad at me for speaking the truth. I suppose that is part of the brainwashing that abusive parents do. I have seen the same from the relationship with my husband and FIL. My husband had told me about the physically and emotionally abusive household he grew up in before we married. I can see my FIL trying to suck my husband right back into the web now that a care giving situation has been going on. It is not that they love or trust the caregiver more than others -- it is because they are mean individuals who cannot come to terms with growing older or dying.
Expectations! Thwarted expectations make us unhappy.
I have served a little time in Al-Anon, for the families of alcoholics. We Al-Anons have a lot to deal with, like lost jobs, broken promises, abuse, embarrassment, ruined holidays. But the biggest source of pain is the idea that "He/She shouldn't do that." When you accept that the drinking alcoholic IS going to act like that, you can respond to it as a fact to be dealt with, not as a surprising and unexpected betrayal.
As children we have the "right" to expect loving, but imperfect parents. Some "bad" parents can grow up and improve. Others never will. You know which category your parents fall into.
Sometimes people giving advice will say, "Wake up and smell the coffee! Look at reality and accept it!" This is what I think they want you to know.
If part of you is still looking for that loving parent that was never or rarely there, you can't free yourself from the suffering. You need to recognize that that wish will NEVER come true. You will NEVER have the loving parent you should have had. That is a tragedy. If you don't accept that reality, the rest of your life will be a tragedy as well.
You don't have to stop wishing, but you do need to stop EXPECTING.
Look at your situation as if it were happening to someone else. What advice would you give a friend who was being treated this way? Don't you deserve the same treatment - respect, freedom from abuse - that you would want for your friend?
Look at your situation as if the person you were caring for was not a stranger. Would you accept the abuse that you accept from your parent? You would not EXPECT this stranger to love you, and you would insist on being treated decently. (Or you should. I know people who do seem to believe that they deserve the nasty treatment that they get from friends, bosses, companies....)
You don't deserve to be treated this way, but you are the only person who has any power to change it. You need to set boundaries BIG Time, to learn to detach your emotions, or to get them out of your house and limit your contact with them. Your parent won't and can't change. When you truly recognize and accept that reality, your pain will be less. If you can believe this, you can make it happen.
I father was completely abusive before and after going to assisted living. He was eventually medicated with an anxiety medication which calmed him down. Now he has accepted his living environment and is off the medication.
I feel for you deeply! I went through this same situation 3 years ago and it caused so much heartache.
First, try to remember -- and god knows, it's almost impossible!! -- that it's the ILLNESS that is being abusive, not the person.
Second: with my experience, my mom got extremely combative, physically abusive, verbally abusive and profane to the point where I wanted to curl up and DIE. I finally called a psychiatric hospital and had her taken there for a week's evaluation. She was suffering from a dual diagnosis of biopolar disease (exacerbated by the general anesthesia she rec'd during a 2nd hip replacement operation) and Alzheimer's. Once put on the proper meds, and I believe she had some mild ECT, she calmed down quite a bit, enough that she was able to return to a nursing home. She is alert, recognizes her family members and has her good days and bad; the staff tells me they adore her (hard to believe!) and I visit as frequently as I can. I keep my visits up to an hour and then leave; I've found any more time just tires her out and makes her nasty. This is the toughest job I've ever had! Then I go home to my parents' house where I live with my 93 yr old dad who suffers from dementia, my lazy husband and my surly, snotty thinks-she-knows-everything 19 year old college daughter. I am counting the days till she gets back to school and relative peace will reign! P.S.: not ONCE has my daughter made a trip to see her grandmother. I barely speak to her because every word out of her mouth is snotty and rude; I have no time for that.
My Mom was mostly verbally abusive. She had a bad childhood and I have always tried to understand. My father died in early 2012 and Mom asked me to help her and be in charge as far as settling the estate, setting up her finances, etc. I did and felt we had a new closeness that honestly was very satisfying to me. Lately she has changed to, "I dont care enough about her needs", "only think of myself" and in my opinion has gotten more irrational. She was diagnosed with early dementia many years ago but still does fairly well, is in her own home, drives locally. I think this recent turn of events is doubly hard on me because I feel we had soothed many of the childhood wounds between she and I in the months since my Dad's death. We also seemed to heal some of the emotional wounds that he inflicted by letting me help her with the estate issues versus the usual rule by my brother that Dad enabled. (Long story but hard on the whole family). I guess part of my fear is the loss of the recent better feelings about childhood issues due to the trust Mom had placed in me. I know this is kind of rambling but I had to get it out. Thanks for listening.
It's OK liz - you are sharing how you are dealing with the situation with your abusive parent. Please try to detach from the abusive words. (((((((hugs))))))
Thanks Emjo. It always helps to share in a safe environment. I know many here are experiencing this and worse. Hugs all around. Will try to detach with love.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Call Adult Protection Services and explain the situation. Ask for their help in protecting your mother from her own impairments, somewhere other than your home.
There is a very long and educational and inspiring thread under Discussions that deals with this very topic. Lisa needed her abusive mother out of her home, and mother was not willing to leave. The thread documents the agencies Lisa dealt with, the evicition notice process, the emotional roller coaster, and much more. It is called "Two years this July my mother has been living with me. She is a mean and hateful woman and I just can't do it anymore." This is proof positive that it can be done. It isn't easy. This is not some theoretical advice or three easy steps to remove your mother from your home. It tells it like it is, as it is happening. Although it is very long, I think you will find it worthwhile.
While your response is appropriate here, I think it will be even more helpful to you to start a new thread, for just this specific topic.
Good luck to you!
I hope you have a safe, happy, blessed life free of abuse. I wish the same for myself!!
Peace
My Dad has since passed away 23 years ago, but my Mom is still here. Earlier this year she had a stroke and it was then confirmed that she can do almost anything but cook for herself. We tried many different options and everyone of them were displeasing to her. Mom's weight was down to 80 pounds (by her lack of seeing she could not cook proper meals).
So when she ended up in the hospital with the stroke the doctor released her to go home along with prescribing physical therapy, the doctor stated that if my Mom refused the therapy like she did the last time she was going to a nursing home.
Upon hearing that my step-sister and I got Mom into an intense physical therapy hoping that she would get the chance to learn to eat better and also get the therapy that she needed to get strong again. One month later she had gained the weight that she needed and she had the use of her body once again, she does need assistance with the help of a cane or a walker. Our only fear was that her house has stairs and we were afraid she would fall trying to get out of the house.
Mom and I talked about me coming home to help out with some of the stuff that she needed.
I was delighted that I would be able to help Mom and it was a joy to be around her(thought she changed..you know with age and such).
I even thought if her oldest grandchild (33 years old) came to visit for a bit, while I got a job that she would enjoy spending time with him. All I can say is I am very gullible, and maybe I live in fairy tale..it has been a very big mistake.
I left my job, apartment, my two other kids to come back here..now she says that I am not welcome here in her home and that this is not my home (not until she is dead).
I am not sure what I am going to do now..never wanted to see her in a nursing home, but my options are few since I will not be put through her hatefulness in my adult years.
If anyone can give some advice..I would be thankful for it. I am starting to record her when she is being mean and I will begin to look for a doctor that deals with elderly people..but is there anything else I can do?
Thankfully I still have my sense of humor..but my heart is broken.
I am glad you decided you will not put up with hatefulness in your adult years. She does not want you in her home. Leave. If that means she winds up in a nursing home, so be it.
I was in my teens when I started noticing abusive behavior from my grandparents toward my mother who was their caregiver. I started not just looking at the situation that was at hand, but listening to stories I would hear my mom talk about. I then learned this was an emotionally abusive situation that went on for decades. My grandparents have been gone close to 20 years and my mom still asks me, "why" on some things and I tell her, "it's because they were emotionally abusive people who thought they were better than everyone else." Oddly enough, even though my mom knows -- she still will get mad at me for speaking the truth. I suppose that is part of the brainwashing that abusive parents do.
I have seen the same from the relationship with my husband and FIL. My husband had told me about the physically and emotionally abusive household he grew up in before we married. I can see my FIL trying to suck my husband right back into the web now that a care giving situation has been going on.
It is not that they love or trust the caregiver more than others -- it is because they are mean individuals who cannot come to terms with growing older or dying.
I have served a little time in Al-Anon, for the families of alcoholics. We Al-Anons have a lot to deal with, like lost jobs, broken promises, abuse, embarrassment, ruined holidays. But the biggest source of pain is the idea that "He/She shouldn't do that." When you accept that the drinking alcoholic IS going to act like that, you can respond to it as a fact to be dealt with, not as a surprising and unexpected betrayal.
As children we have the "right" to expect loving, but imperfect parents. Some "bad" parents can grow up and improve. Others never will. You know which category your parents fall into.
Sometimes people giving advice will say, "Wake up and smell the coffee! Look at reality and accept it!" This is what I think they want you to know.
If part of you is still looking for that loving parent that was never or rarely there, you can't free yourself from the suffering. You need to recognize that that wish will NEVER come true. You will NEVER have the loving parent you should have had. That is a tragedy. If you don't accept that reality, the rest of your life will be a tragedy as well.
You don't have to stop wishing, but you do need to stop EXPECTING.
Look at your situation as if it were happening to someone else. What advice would you give a friend who was being treated this way? Don't you deserve the same treatment - respect, freedom from abuse - that you would want for your friend?
Look at your situation as if the person you were caring for was not a stranger. Would you accept the abuse that you accept from your parent? You would not EXPECT this stranger to love you, and you would insist on being treated decently. (Or you should. I know people who do seem to believe that they deserve the nasty treatment that they get from friends, bosses, companies....)
You don't deserve to be treated this way, but you are the only person who has any power to change it. You need to set boundaries BIG Time, to learn to detach your emotions, or to get them out of your house and limit your contact with them. Your parent won't and can't change. When you truly recognize and accept that reality, your pain will be less. If you can believe this, you can make it happen.
First, try to remember -- and god knows, it's almost impossible!! -- that it's the ILLNESS that is being abusive, not the person.
Second: with my experience, my mom got extremely combative, physically abusive, verbally abusive and profane to the point where I wanted to curl up and DIE. I finally called a psychiatric hospital and had her taken there for a week's evaluation. She was suffering from a dual diagnosis of biopolar disease (exacerbated by the general anesthesia she rec'd during a 2nd hip replacement operation) and Alzheimer's. Once put on the proper meds, and I believe she had some mild ECT, she calmed down quite a bit, enough that she was able to return to a nursing home. She is alert, recognizes her family members and has her good days and bad; the staff tells me they adore her (hard to believe!) and I visit as frequently as I can. I keep my visits up to an hour and then leave; I've found any more time just tires her out and makes her nasty. This is the toughest job I've ever had! Then I go home to my parents' house where I live with my 93 yr old dad who suffers from dementia, my lazy husband and my surly, snotty thinks-she-knows-everything 19 year old college daughter. I am counting the days till she gets back to school and relative peace will reign! P.S.: not ONCE has my daughter made a trip to see her grandmother. I barely speak to her because every word out of her mouth is snotty and rude; I have no time for that.