I'm new here, trying to find some support or at least a spot to vent about my crazy situation. My husband always dealt with major life stress in his bottle. Two family members passed in 2020, he started drinking tons, not eating too much and since Covid put his job on hold he sat around watching Netflix, wasting away then put in for early retirement. And of course, screaming at anyone that might mention he should take care of himself because he like most alcoholics doesn't have a problem.
Last year he basically burned his body out. Trip to the ER found he developed liver failure and that his body had even been pulling from his bones to survive. He couldn't behave enough for me to even work part-time before we got him sorta stable or at least not seeing lil green men in the house. He played around refusing to eat if something wasn't just perfect. Best example is eggs, over easy to be specific, if the yoke broke even just on the plate he'd tell me throw it out and do it again.
He tells everyone he speaks to that I won't buy food, cook ect to the point I'm scared someone will eventually call APS if they don't understand he's basically crazy. Claiming I starve him to death while he's got a table full of snacks and regular meals, even if they're not at regular times because he doesn't sleep at night anymore. He's obsessed with me going shopping for food even if I put what he's asking for in his hands, he doesn't want to eat it but I've got to buy more. We have a full pantry, fridge and freezer. He always needs the one thing I don't have and once I buy it he doesn't want it.
I've been physically hurt moving him - ribs out of place, back going out and hip problems. His denial means he's convinced he can walk ect but reality is I'm carrying most his weight so I started refusing because there is no one else to do anything! Seriously people offer to help with outside chores but it's constant diapers that are breaking my body and nobody wants to do those. And he actively tries to make it worse at times. He'd do things like pee off side of the bed because it's just water and resist rolling for diaper changes if he was mad about not getting his way about something. And he's convinced my injuries are fake or not his fault. My personal favorite is telling me if I'm not doing what he wants he'll divorce me, shocked I asked who's going to take care of you and he said divorces take a long time. He actually thought he could divorce me but keep me as a slave until it was finalized.
Somehow he believes my not working for 11 months and only recently going back for 2 short shifts per week is about my injuries or being lazy. And through all of this knowing he has liver failure (which has progressed despite him mostly not drinking) he asks everyone that visits to bring him alcohol and is obsessed with getting to and checking old booze hiding spots. Just had a doctor's appointment about him without him present to ask about just going ahead and giving him what he wants and letting him drink hard liquor again. And how to manage meds if hes drinking. I'm at whits end and obviously being dry and having someone prepare him food isn't fixing the situation after a year and he won't follow any plans to help him. It feels wrong to buying someone dying of liver failure booze but it's been a year of horribly angry alcoholic that wants his drink more than he wants to live.
I know someone whose every action and decision was dictated by alcohol from when they were very young. Alcohol is that bad for some people.
I might agree to that. In fact I saw that exact thing with my neighbor. The family permitted alcohol deliveries to the house when their stomach was as big a bean bag chair and the end was near. Why not let them do what they wish at this point? One time as I was going by the beverage store delivery person looked at me with such a guilty look.
Obviously, you don’t understand the complexity of alcoholism.
It would be inhumane to expect a dying alcoholic to suddenly stop drinking.
If a person is dying with absolutely no chance at all of survival, why would they stop drinking? A doctor wouldn’t even say to stop drinking if someone is dying.
I find it despicable when people who claim to be religious or moral shame and bully others who are struggling with legitimate concerns.
You’re not referring to someone who is having a ‘bad day’ and can work things out. You’re talking about an alcoholic who is ‘dependent’ upon alcohol.
We are merciful to animals when they are suffering at the end of their lives. Shouldn’t we be merciful to human beings as they approach death?
Would you deny a person who had cancer pain meds at the end of their life? I don’t think so. It would be torture for them not to receive morphine.
The same thing applies to an alcoholic. It would be absolutely torturous for them not to drink.
Do you have any idea how withdrawal symptoms affect a person?
I am all for treatment when it is appropriate. I’m all about encouraging an addict to find support and live their life in recovery.
Unfortunately, not everyone achieves this goal due to various reasons. This is why treatment centers don’t ever claim to have a 100 percent success rate.
Nevertheless, these individuals are human beings who deserve to die in peace.
Your neighbor had a disease called alcoholism. If anyone should feel guilty, it’s you for thinking that it’s best to deny an alcoholic ‘relief’ at the end of their life.
I saw my brother go through withdrawals quite a few times. Trust me, it’s not pretty!
Your neighbor probably wasn’t feeling guilty. They most likely felt shame because they felt judged by you. Sweep your own porch first before telling your neighbors to sweep theirs.
You may not want to be around an alcoholic, which is understandable. Nor would I, especially someone who is mean, like the OP’s husband.
Allowing him to have booze is her way of surviving a difficult situation. It’s also a humane end for him.
I’m sure that she wishes that her husband could have gone into recovery, and remained sober.
I wanted my brother to be able to stay clean too. It wasn’t in the cards. I had to accept that.
The OP has decided to stay with her husband. That is her choice. All anyone can do now is to wish her well.
Personally, I wouldn’t stay with an addict if they weren’t able to stop drinking or doing drugs, but I certainly wouldn’t stand in judgment of a dying man who continued to drink or use drugs.
In fact, I would expect an addict to do just that. Would you want to die in misery?
Before you respond back with a reply, just think about if the shoe was on the other foot. What would you do? Choose to die in agony? Come on, you know that you wouldn’t do that.
Dr. Berg on you tube. He is good. Talks sbiut liver and signs to look after..
I know you don’t need that, you’ve been there, done that.
Other people may need to see it.
he slso talks about liver transplant. And things you can do while in line for transplant..
you are a saint. Truly I don’t know how you can take the verbal abuse.
I read over your question..
I guess he would be too far gone for a transplant, besides, he hadn’t changed his habits.
Talk with his doc for evaluation for palliative or hospice care. You do need a break..
He was never totally well afterward. Many falls. Not a good personality. Wacko psychiatric behavior. Finally he went to a VA hospital and took another 5 years to die. It was a relief to all.