I am the main care taker for my parents. May sound stupid but as I was helping unload groceries the other day, my dad let a storm door slam right on me. He knew I was helping and we always help with this door since it is broken and slams easily. I told him "OK that's enough". He didn't say oops sorry or are you ok. He just kept walking and said "you should have told me you were behind me". I am always behind him! I have listened to his verbal abuse for years but no one believes me when I talk about it b/c he has that other persona that he puts on around my 3 sisters and 2 brothers. I was beaten and abused by my first husband and maybe that plays into this. I don't know how to handle this. I would do anything for my parents and try to help them all the time but I just can't handle the verbal stuff from my Dad anymore.
One of my sisters and one brother live out of state and they send money to help but don't come round, one sister won't be involved at all, one sisters helps every few weeks and one brother helps every few months so I get the rest. Sorry this is long. I am at the end of my rope!
Help! Thanks!
Hope your mother improves!
Mom's regular doc is fine about taking her off drugs for a trial of 'without" for a few weeks. Ditropan, Zocor, Seroquel, Namenda, and Ativan are all drugs we had problems with and stopped. She's now only on Zoloft as far as brain altering substances go. think we'll keep that one however.
here's some info, written in 2008. This will give you enough to google term. Also search this website where this issue is covered regularly.
A totally overlooked source of money to pay family caregivers to provide care at home is the aid and Attendance Pension Benefit. This money is available to veterans who served during a period of war. Pension money is also available to the widows of these veterans. This benefit, under the right circumstances, can provide up to $1,843 a month in additional income to pay family members to provide care at home.
Clearly, your mother is a danger to others given "she threatened to burn the house down." I sort of wish that you had her involuntarily committed for psychological evaluation which she really needs now with these stupid charges. I would find a good lawyer whose focus is family law because you are going to need one.
No you are not supposed to put up with such abuse but there are people who will try to make you feel guilty for putting them in a nursing home.
But one morning a few years ago, I told my father "that's enough. I'm not taking any more of this abuse." He was stunned, and that made him even more abusive and aggressive .... very aggressive. It just came to the point when he had to leave my home and my life. It simply was not fair for me or my family to continue to tolerate his abuse. He abused my mother for 43 years, and she when she died she said was glad to be going to a better place where he could not abuse her any longer.
The point I want to stress is === don't keep putting up with it. You are wasting your life and your family's life putting up with that man. It's very hard to wash you hands of someone who has drilled it in your head all of your life that he is the most powerful and deserving person on earth. No, he isn't, and you need to realize that and cut yourself free. Believe me, you will feel like a rejuvenated free soul ... so light that you will begin to enjoy life with freedom. Take that time, then, to build your confidence and make youself realize that you are worth it and you deserve happiness, not abuse.
Elderly, abusive, manipulative parents can cheat you out of your life, happiness, and freedom.
Your abusive dad very likely had an undiagnosed case of Borderline Personality Disorder. There are some books out now for adult children of a parent with BPD.
She has broken pictures, takes them down off the wall, and sets them on the floor, I just remove that item form the scene, therefore I don't have to deal with it anymore. Books have been taken off shelves, layed on the floor, china broken, furniture burned with her cigarettes, needless to say, we live with burned furniture and no knick knacks, books, pictures anywhere. The carpet is burned, a beautiful newly redone hardwood floor, burnmarks on it. So there comes a time when the you just have to set your foot down and take away the item causing you problems. Just like a child. Mom has started to say no when are you going to get new carpet? "UH, WHEN YOU STOP SMOKING"
Why did you take the pictures? UH, BECAUSE YOU DO NOT ALLOW THEM TO STAY HUNG UP ON THE WALL.
Sometimes I think the "dementia" excuse is overrated. The KNOW what they are doing at times, granted, at times they forget, but to intentionally slam the door on you, he KNEW what he was doing. Get tough with him, take things away, he will learn NOT to do these mean things to you .
You mentioned your father's drinking problem. Would it be possible for the staff at his facility to help you gradually ease him off the alcohol? My mother was an alcoholic and I know how that substance can really change a person's personality when it gets into that person's system. He would be easier for you to manage if he could become sober. But I know this is a tricky, difficult problem.....just wondering.
When Mom gets the slightest bit snappy (like throwing toilet paper at me after I ask her to wipe...with a "here, I did it are you happy" fit) that's as far as it gets. It's one thing to be frustrated at the unwieldy and deteriorating situation, but it's another thing to project it on to ME.
Good luck, and hang in there for yourself...
I am the primary caregiver of my 82 year old dad. He has ESRF and on dialysis 3 days a week, plus congestive heart, vascular disease, arrhythmia and serious arthritic pain. He is close to the end, but still miraculously somewhat functional. He has no dementia but has become occasionally very verbally abusive. Oddly enough it often happens when I'm doing something really special for him. He is, and always been a great man and father but his treatment of me is just not acceptable. I live with, and care for him every day. I receive almost no help, and certainly no support from my two sisters. That I've accepted and become used to, but I'm not sure how to handle my father's uncalled for behavior. I understand why he's doing it. I know he feels like he's losing all control, and that the end is near even though he seems in denial about it. My question is how do I respond to his verbal abuse? It is hard to just turn and walk away because I don't allow anyone to treat me like that, and he should be told it is wrong. He becomes over the top angry, and lashes out at me with a vengeance. Of course he treats my sisters, and everyone else like they can do no wrong (also something I've accepted). I get very stern with him when he goes off on me, and stand up to him telling him I will not tolerate his cruelty. However, I would not want our last words to be mean. Does anyone have any suggestions? I'm not sure if standing my ground is the right thing to do. I've been here doing this for almost 4 years now, and am exhausted beyond belief. As you all know this is so complicated, and none of the traditional rules apply. I feel like "Alice" in a bad "Wonderland"! Any help would be much appreciated. Thank you angels!
I'm not sure if you read my post. I said that I DO understand why he's treating me this way, and I understand. My question was do I say something to him. He has NO dementia, at least not at this point, and knows enough to treat all other family members like gold. He was this this way long before he got sick. My sister lived with him for 20 yrs, and he treated her like crap while the rest of us were treated like royalty. My question was do I say anything to him about how cruel his words are. When he goes off I simply say "I won't stay and talk to you while you're attacking me". He works HIMSELF up before he goes off for no reason. If he has a heart attack or stroke it will be of his OWN doing . . . not mine.
You need to understand that I've been here living with him, and lovingly taking care of him for 4 years now, and dealing with these episodes. At first I did get drawn into his arguments, but have since learned to calmly say I won't stay and fight. My walking away even in silence makes him even MORE nut's. He then feels like I'm being "disrespectful", and holds grudges for day's despite my immediate apologies. There IS no stopping his hysteria! No matter what I do he get's himself worked into a frenzy, and it's ALWAYS over nothing!!! It usually is after I do some amazing thing to make him happy. The event this week was over a valentine card he wanted to send to a dear old friend. He always felt it important to choose his own cards, but now he can't. I know how helpless and angry he feels. I offered to buy several so he could pick the best one, but he absolutely refused. I am a professional artist so I offered to make a really special card that was blank so he could write his own words inside. I wanted to do something that would be really beautiful and special. It took me two whole days to make, and my work on it was squeezed between making his meals, laundry, cleaning etc. He is still able to do his personal care like showers, trips to the kitchen etc. When I finished he yelled that it was too late to get there for valentines day. I had planned to send it express overnight mail so she would get it by noon today. Well, he screamed "You've been working on the stupid thing for 5 days now!!!!!", which was a total lie. Also, at his request I went out to buy the largest bottle I could find of her favorite perfume. I had to go to three places to find it, and it cost $100.00. He had given me $40 thinking it would be enough. He has been too weak to go to the bank, and refuses to let me go for him so it was all he had. Also, he has NO idea what things cost, and would never spend that much on perfume yet he insisted on the largest bottle. To help him because it was so important to him I spent almost a whole day running around for the damn stuff, and then made up the difference with my own money (I am disabled and have very little money). That he was happy with, but my gorgeous card, and the hours of work put into it were smashed to bits. I feel that if he is cogent enough to roll out the red carpet for my two selfish heartless sisters he can be kind to me too. I feel holding stuff in is wrong despite someone's illness, and I try to do it well. It is VERY HARD to know what to do, and I must say I resent your somewhat judgmental and patronizing answer. I was NOT helpful, and it's purpose was to inspire guilt. I assure you I feel absolutely ZERO guilt regarding the care of my father whom I adore. I have given up my own personal life in every respect to care for, and make his last years as comfortable and happy as I can. I would feel NO guilt if he passed in a fit of rage. His extremely angry outbursts (which he's always had by the way) are HIS OWN decisions, and would never be what I cause. I posted the question in the hopes that someone would have a clever and kind suggestion; not one of judgment,
I also read the answers that were posted
Sylvester,
I'm not sure if you read my post. I said that I DO understand why he's treating me this way, and I understand. My question was do I say something to him. He has NO dementia, at least not at this point, and knows enough to treat all other family members like gold. He was this this way long before he got sick. My sister lived with him for 20 yrs, and he treated her like crap while the rest of us were treated like royalty. My question was do I say anything to him about how cruel his words are. When he goes off I simply say "I won't stay and talk to you while you're attacking me". He works HIMSELF up before he goes off for no reason. If he has a heart attack or stroke it will be of his OWN doing . . . not mine.
I should add that I have two sisters who do not work, and are married to wealthy men. My father has been generous. and loves us more than anything in his life. My mom passed when she was 46 on my 26th birthday. I've had 6 giant surgeries on both hips, and ankle. I hobble around in terrible pain, and every time I've asked for help of any kind (including just sitting with dad if I have to go somewhere) the answer has always been an unquestionable "NO". Financially they have contributed NOTHING stressing my poor financial situation even worse than it already is. They have never liked me, and are very jealous. I am ALONE as he only has one elderly sister who like dad refuses to engage in anything of an emotional nature. Thankfully she does make meals occasionally on Sundays, and my younger does pick dad up from dialysis three times a week. Of course I take him at 5:30 am on those three days. They literally almost never visit. Maybe if he's lucky they come by a few times every 6 months, and only stay for about an hour. My one sister has a little dog that my dad ADORES, and brings so much happiness to. She never brings him over, and the rare times she does dads only allowed to give him half a treat. She is more concerned about her dogs health than my dads!!!!! I've learned to let their underhanded BS to roll off my back, but my reason for telling this is to paint the picture of what I've been up against for THREE years. He is starting to fail badly now, and still they don't come. He actually said to me his only reason for living is his kids. He said "It's all he has." SAD, but still no reason to treat his eldest daughter who adores him like $hit.
You need to understand that I've been here living with him, and lovingly taking care of him for 4 years now, and dealing with these episodes. At first I did get drawn into his arguments, but have since learned to calmly say I won't stay and fight. My walking away even in silence makes him even MORE nut's. He then feels like I'm being "disrespectful", and holds grudges for day's despite my immediate apologies. There IS no stopping his hysteria! No matter what I do he get's himself worked into a frenzy, and it's ALWAYS over nothing!!! It usually is after I do some amazing thing to make him happy. The event this week was over a valentine card he wanted to send to a dear old friend. He always felt it important to choose his own cards, but now he can't. I know how helpless and angry he feels. I offered to buy several so he could pick the best one, but he absolutely refused. I am a professional artist so I offered to make a really special card that was blank so he could write his own words inside. I wanted to do something that would be really beautiful and special. It took me two whole days to make, and my work on it was squeezed between making his meals, laundry, cleaning etc. He is still able to do his personal care like showers, trips to the kitchen etc. When I finished he yelled that it was too late to get there for valentines day. I had planned to send it express overnight mail so she would get it by noon today. Well, he screamed "You've been working on the stupid thing for 5 days now!!!!!", which was a total lie. Also, at his request I went out to buy the largest bottle I could find of her favorite perfume. I had to go to three places to find it, and it cost $100.00. He had given me $40 thinking it would be enough. He has been too weak to go to the bank, and refuses to let me go for him so it was all he had. Also, he has NO idea what things cost, and would never spend that much on perfume yet he insisted on the largest bottle. To help him because it was so important to him I spent almost a whole day running around for the damn stuff, and then made up the difference with my own money (I am disabled and have very little money). That he was happy with, but my gorgeous card, and the hours of work put into it were smashed to bits. I feel that if he is cogent enough to roll out the red carpet for my two selfish heartless sisters he can be kind to me too. I feel holding stuff in is wrong despite someone's illness, and I try to do it well. It is VERY HARD to know what to do, and I must say I resent your somewhat judgmental and patronizing answer. I was NOT helpful, and it's purpose was to inspire guilt. I assure you I feel absolutely ZERO guilt regarding the care of my father whom I adore. I have given up my own personal life in every respect to care for, and make his last years as comfortable and happy as I can. I would feel NO guilt if he passed in a fit of rage. His extremely angry outbursts (which he's always had by the way) are HIS OWN decisions, and would never be what I cause. I posted the question in the hopes that someone would have a clever and kind suggestion; not one of judgment,
I also read the "opinions" you posted to not only me, but also Susan 63. This site is about being FREE to unload our overwhelming stress, and KIND creative solutions to complex situations. So far the kind souls who've helped me, and who I've tried to help have not been designed to inspire guilt. NO ONE should think they should feel "guilty" over anything they do. They are ALREADY doing God's work which is confusing and painful. We are ALL trying our hardest to know what the best way to handle our own stress, financial problems, handling our time, sadness over the loss of our own freedom and emotions along with our parent's illnesses and needs. We're here because we need HELP! So please try not to judge another's handling or feelings about their stress. It's not what we all need. Just because you feel your way is the only way does not make it truth.
If anyone out there does have a unique answer to my problem, please feel free to help me. I'm sad about this upset that he's causing, and what options might help to diffuse his anger. I've tried talking to him when he's calm on the days that have no problems, but every time he stubbornly tries to blame me in some way. I'm EXHAUSTED. The hurt is gone over his words, but I do not believe verbal and emotional abuse should be tolerated by anyone who is sane. Why should he be any different because he's sick and dying. Keeping this in only sets up a habit of accepting it with others (especially men), and I fear of the habit following me after he's passed. I've been working in therapy for years on the topic of confrontation because I've never felt safe speaking up for myself. Now that I do am I supposed to just shut up again and take it????? I'm sorry for this extremely long post, but I feel it addresses a lot of issues, and I would hate for anyone to feel guilty if their parent died because of "THEM". NEVER EVER feel guilty unless you are literally abusing your loved ones, and you who know who you are if you do. Most of us here are loving caring people who love our parents. We wouldn't be posting here if we didn't!
I have siblings that do not help out in any way...yet they seem to think I give a RATS ASS what their opinion is of how I am taking care of things. I made it a rule quite awhile back, since I am doing this all alone, it will be MY way or the highway. My Mother has been told the options, and she has pushed me to the point where I called the police on her quite a few times, and let me tell you, THE POLICE WILL PUT YOUR ELDER IN HIS PLACE. You stood up to me, why can't you stand up to your Dad and call the police to come in and "calm him down"...he will learn to shut his mouth or only bitch when he actually HAS one.