I have asked a few questions on this forum over the last 3 years while taking care of my parent's issues. It has been very helpful reading all the answers to mine and other's questions.
As of last week my last remaining parent passed away. I am sad they are both gone but also relieved that the toll it took on me is now over.
Now the catch. While cleaning out my mom's room at AL I came across some hidden papers in her dresser. They were rolled up and doubled bagged in her sock drawer. I almost just threw them out with all the other items I was getting rid of but decided at the last second to open the bag. It turned out they are adoption papers for me and my brother. I am 57 years old and never once had any idea that I was adopted.
I'm not mad, not sad, not happy, not anything. I'm just numb. I don't really expect many answers on this forum for this particular subject since it's not really care giving related but I just had to get that out.
I did want to say thanks for all the help over the years.
I recently lost my last remaining parent also and that is it's own form of complicated grief. As a therapist I would suggest finding some who deals with adoption issues and see if that is a fit for you to process everything.
Take care!
Kay
I've been working on my grandmother's genealogy. She was born in 1897 and passed away in 1976. She was adopted and knew she was adopted, but never was told anything about her birth family. For whatever reason, she wanted to always know where she came from. So since all the DNA testing came about I saw a way to research and maybe find some answers. By way of doing that, I have joined some Facebook pages that help people do that kind of research. I know you are not asking for help in that direction, but there are people that are searching for one or both birth parents on those groups. Some have always known they are adopted, some found out after doing their dna that the father that raised them is not their bio father etc. I'm just wanting to let you know that there are groups born out of this for people that have found out information like you have and are giving each other support. I've seen them commenting about these groups. I just wanted to give you that info because at some point it might help you to know you aren't alone. These groups are usually private so your other friends can't see and don't even have to know you're a member. The groups that I'm a member of are also private. They are DNA Detectives, and DD social. They were started by CeCe Moore, the genetic genealogist on "finding your roots" and also the person that is solving all the cold cases your read about. If you are interested I would suggest you join DD social and ask for the name of the groups I was talking about. There are many sweet people on their willing to help. I hope whatever you decide to do, that you find the peace you need with your new information.
It's unfortunate that you found out about the adoption this way as it most likely wouldn't have made any difference if you had known earlier. But, like others have said, your parents may have been afraid of how the news would be received, so made a choice. You will probably never know the reason but you do know you were loved, cared for and wanted by your Mom and Dad and that is what is most important. I hope you find peace to help you through this difficult time.
Since i was about 10 Ive known i was adopted but when my mom was in independent living and her 80s she started making remarks ... people would say we looked alike and i guess ive blocked exactly what she said but she’d remark to me something like we’re not related. she also once said that she was the last of the family line. Other things i didnt realize till just now that ive blocked also but must have been about her inability to have kids.
Ive felt for years that i was the puppy my parents got after they were in an accident and my mom had a hysterectomy. Actually not a bad feeling since i felt they felt they needed me.
They said that they had to go to court ... it was a private adoption by the way ... where they were afraid they wouldnt get me and one day when i was on a train to visit my aunt and uncle ... you can tell this was a long time ago ... i saw my mother crying as the train started moving away.
Yes im sure its a shock. But especially since your mom put the paperwork away im sure you can feel sure how much your mom wanted you and your brother to be her own.
i belong to two dna sites and found a cousin but my parents generation is dead now and except for my cousin mine either dont know anything or dont want to.
Youre still young yet so with the access available you can find out a lot ... more too than i can since im female. But now im kind of resigned and wonder why im still trying ... but i will continue to anyway.
Most of all ... feel loved.
So you know God gave you this gift but not the conventional means to express it. Now, it’s the 60s. Adoption was not like it is today. As parents they were probably desperate for this outlet of love and just followed the advice of adoption counselors, family, etc. they didn’t have the same idea of psychology at that time either. I would guess “telling children they’re adopted could result in....”(add something that would have terrified your parents).
So they finally get this wonderful baby. They are overjoyed. They take great care and cross t’s and dot i’s, and their mission in life is to love you and never ever lose you because they have already lost too many children.
Fast forward through the years and they love you as flesh and blood the way any good parent does. You never notice a difference. Maybe they talk about “Should we tell them?” From time to time but fear holds them back. We might lose them! I have children. I can imagine the fear of them growing up, loving their in-laws more than us (closest thing to other parents I can imagine) and then growing farther away.
But.....your mom took care. She ensured their safety from the elements by double bagging them? Those documents signify the happiest days of her life. The day she was finally a mom. From this mom’s perspective, it was her treasure. You and your brother are her precious treasures. She kept them because they were special to her and she wasn’t ashamed but she wanted to hold on to the lie that “I am their mom. Just me. I love them, I always wanted them, and no ones going to take them away from me.”
Fast forward to more current times, she probably realized that adopted children might need or want to know about their biological families, so she kept them too, so you would have the truth and be able to do what you needed to do when the time came. I’m sure the weight of “an I doing the right thing,” and the weight of the fear of losing you was just difficult.
I can’t understand how you feel. But I am a mom. And from this perspective, you were fiercely loved. How blessed you are! :)
I think you right-guessed all these parents feelings, thoughts and concerns.
And dear mikejrexec, although I know this is naturally a shock, I think having given care for both of your parents is the greatest shock there is! (Definitely not an easy path) so at this point, if I were you, I would likely just move on, because you were indeed your parents child, the chosen, the desired, the blessing from God! as your sibling was too.
If you are curious you could attempt to find out who your blood relatives are...yet at this point, when you are so tired from all you’ve gone through, would it be worth it to put yourself through more emotional distress? Only you can answer that and decide.
But as far as who your parents were, which family do you come from, and which love covered you and your sibling as only parent’s love can, that is clear with no doubt, the two parents that raised you, who you took care of until the end and who loved you until the end, those as your parents and always will be. I think you both were the most precious gift for them.
A hug and God bless!
I have a sister who delivers bad news like a sniper when it would be just as easy to be kind and respectful. It does nothing to enhance our shaky relationship.
I am keeping you in my prayers, Mike....
I feel I am right and God Bless, They now look down on you as an Angel...NO, you have Not been "Taken," Just maybe Now, "Taken by Surprise" BY MY ANSWER...xx
I find out from my eldest sister a few years back now that my dad had been married previously before he met my mom. I had assumed everyone else in the family knew but found out they didn't.
When my mom passed four years ago we were all freely discussing stuff and everyone was in shock when they found this out. My mom never liked to discuss personal things and I often wonder if there are other things I don't know. Not that dad being married before was a big deal as I never got to know him anyhow.
I think it's good that you know maybe. Was it a private adoption? The reason I ask is there may be medical history things you may need to know one day perhaps. If someone has already asked this, disregard.
I remember my shock at age 10 when my parents revealed that Mom had been married before marrying our Dad, and that our older sisters were hers, but not his, and that he had adopted them. This meant they were not our full sisters. (We also had another brother being raised by her brother, but that's another chapter!) It took some getting used to! I wish counseling had been an option at that time, back in the 60's. Instead it was, Welp, your whole lives have been based on a lie, happy birthday, now go play.
I may be romanticizing your story a bit, but here's my take on it. I think your Mom meant for you to find those papers. The fact that they were double-wrapped indicates the care she took to protect them. But it seems to me that she must have promised someone never to tell you that you were adopted, and she kept that promise. Who was so important to her that she kept that vow to her dying day? Surely it could only have been your birth mother - someone who held a deep hold over her. Someone that she loved dearly. A sister? A friend? Or was making and keeping that secret a condition of the adoption? In any case, your mom was a woman of her word, an honorable woman. How blessed you were to have been raised by her! She never *told* you. Yet she knew you and your brother had a right to know. She has trusted you with this information. Now it's your turn to do the right thing.
God bless and guide you going forward, my friend.
Now you have to think about whether or not to seek out your biological family, and consider the implications of that. And wonder about siblings, as well.
I cannot imagine the inner turmoil you are experiencing. I hope you are seeking counseling to help sort out your feelings about all this.
Im sorry for your loss. You were loved enough to be adopted by these people and raised by them. It seems they wanted the best for you, they must have done what they thought was right.
Ill be keeping good thoughts for you.
I wonder if they had intended to tell you guys and trying to find the appropriate age so you could understand and then life happened and then they felt that they waited to long and didn't want to disrupt their loving, happy home. Just a thought.
I always planned on adopting a half dozen children, from the time I was 15. I always felt that I had enough love to share with very special children that The Lord would give me. I married a man with children and decided that I would never make them feel like he left them to have another family, I don't have a heart to hurt children. I am happy that we didn't have children to interfere with their lives and make them feel less to their dad. However, I would have loved to be mom to little people that needed a mom.
I am happy for you that you were loved and cherished by your parents. The information you found really changes nothing as far as your life goes, what a blessing to be raised by people that sought you out and loved you unconditionally.
What a tale you have to tell.
Again, I am sorry for the loss of your mom.
Dad was the only child of immigrant parents from two different countries. He grew up without any family other than his parents. 6 months after his Mum died we got a phone call, "Is this the Tothill residence?" And the man at the other end pronounced the name properly.
Long story short, Dad discovered his father had had two other families and abandoned both of them in the UK. Dad had two sisters and a brother, but did not find out until he was 54 years old. It is unlikely that my grandparent's marriage was legal, (no evidence that grandpa divorced wife number one nor wife number 2).
To make it worse my grandfather always told people how he wished he had more children, as if my Dad was not enough.
Dad was gutted to learn his parents had lied to him to their death beds. It was too late for him to connect with his oldest sister, but I am in touch with her grandson. He was able to meet his younger sister and brother via phone calls before they passed away.
I know this is not the same as learning that you were adopted, but family secrets can be devastating to learn at any age, and it is so much harder when the parent is no longer there to answer questions.
And I'll throw this in too. She kept those papers. 'Double bagged' in a sock drawer? May be going to far, but maybe she, on some level, wanted you to know? But maybe loved you so much she was afraid she'd hurt you? I don't know how your relationship was with them. Just a thought. (that maybe I should have kept to myself)! I wish you well.
My DH donated sperm for artificial insemination when he was unmarried in his thirties, and the ‘contract’ was that it was never to be revealed. When the ‘contract’ was overturned legally, he found that he had fathered twelve (over the limit, but apparently he was a great donor). We started to find out about that when the first child contacted him from another country (she sent him a pair of socks with New Zealand sheep on them!). Many donor children find out in difficult circumstances, when their parents’ marriage breaks up or when there is a genetic health issue. For children who have difficult teenage years, the knowledge that they are ‘not really’ their parents’ offspring can make their rebellion even worse. I wrote to one teenager who was seriously upset, saying that stories about the princess in the swineherd’s cottage are part of folk lore, because so many people have that ‘I don’t really belong here’ feeling. For some, not knowing at that stage might actually be the best option.
None of us live in our parents’ world, or completely understand what and why some things seemed best to them. Focus on the good bits, and treat this as just one of the things that have made you unique. Yours, Margaret
I “lost” an adoption when her birth mother decided to give her to another family, and the loss was like a death to me.
Breathe easy, Good Child, and cherish memories of those who loved you!
You don’t say how old your mom was or what her life was like, but for some reason, some parents of a certain era thought it was a great idea to have family secrets, especially from their kids. Nowadays, 11 year olds, like my grandson, are a whole heck of a lot more savvy and aware than we were at that age. We were kids longer if that makes sense. Adoption now is touted as a wonderful thing, something to be proud of. It’s common. But back then, apparently you needed to be very secretive about not being able to bear children. No one even considered letting the adopted child know just in case there were genetic conditions and diseases that should be passed along. I remember I had a friend back in the late 50’s and 60’s who was adopted. She was actually pitied by my parents and their friends. Now, it’s like “Oh, you’re adopted? Wow. Cool. Let’s go play Legos.
Right now, you’re grieving your mom’s death. You are understandably numb. But don’t discount these papers. There may be people out there who want to meet you, you know? And some day you may want to meet them.
Just one more thing. I’ve shared this before. When my mom was in the midst of a delusional episode in the nursing home,she made a comment about my grandfather’s death and how he “had the right idea.” “Huh?” I thought. Dying of a heart attack was the “right idea”? But it bugged me so much I went home and found his death certificate. And found out he’d committed suicide by hanging himself. It had been hidden from me for 50 years. Even as an adult. I was very angry at my mother and my relatives for hiding this from me for all those years. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself becoming angry as well. They had their reasons for hiding these things, and to them it made sense. Took me a long time to realize this.