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All the answers were very helpful. I am in a similar situation to many of the writers, and it helped to read their experiences. Thanks to all for posting. (:
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I've just started reading Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' book "On Death and Dying" and it reminds us all that we have come a long way, in the past half-century, to better understanding the needs of the nearly-departed. Most of us want to die in our home, surrounded by familiar things and the people we love. Most of us would benefit from long, therapeutic talks to dispel our fears and to comfort us. The book emphasizes how we need to focus on our loved ones MORE before they are gone, and LESS afterwards. Funerals have become a billion-dollar business, and the pressure to comply and/or give in to a guilt-driven excess can be extreme. The kind and compassionate way takes into account the person, not our society or the expectations of others. I love the answers above for their candid look at how death can be a beautiful, simple end to a wonderful life.
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For both my parents, there was a gathering at the house. People in the community brought food and we told each other stories. There was a graveside service for my mother as she had decided against cremation which was my father's preference. There was no service for my father. He did not want one. We buried his ashes next to Mama's headstone and planted one of his rose bushes on top. In my religious tradition, Unitarian Universalist, it is more common to have a memorial service than a funeral. We celebrate the person's life with stories, images, and music.
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nansacola....absolutely loved your story...and ashes on the las vegas strip!! great!
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wow bookluvr...your story is unbelievable. not sure how you got thru that! thanks for sharing.
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When my brother died at 40 yrs of age, my father was devasted...and being a good Catholic and from the old school...he spend about $30 thou in funeral expenses. Believe me...he didn't have a ton of money to do so. I was horrified but I know he did it because he was so emotionally distraught! So sad, I HOPE ALL THE CARETAKERS DO WHAT IS BEST AND EASIEST WAY TO HANDLE THEIR LOVED ONES DEATH. NO ONE SHOULD BE PRESSURED OR CARED BY WHAT PEOPLE THINK. The only people's opinions that count are the ones that were there daily caring for their loved ones! I don't need anything lavish...nor would I even feel guilty about not having a headstone if it wasn't affordable! I'm there everyday caring and for both my parents and lucky me...they already paid for their funeral expenses long ago. I'm having a priest go to the grave site and say some prayers...and only for my brother's sake because for me it doesn't matter. May they Rest In Peace when the time comes, I'll always know that I did my best caring for them....AND THAT'S ENOUGH FOR ME TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT ANY CHOICES I MAKE. GOOOD LUCK TO ALL!
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Dear Ladycee, I get it. and good for you, enough is enough! And as sooooo many have said, "funerals are for the living!"
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Dear LorieB... Your answer should be a headliner! Right...the funeral business is a Billion Dollar biz...that tugs on our emotional strings when we feel our lowest!
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do whatever feels right to you. A friend's husband (very well known in the community) did not want a service or viewing. Everyone in his family was OK with it. If anyone is not pleased that is really not your concern. You have been doing the care giving and I am sure grieving over the last months and are emotionally spent.
Take care of yourself. And do not feel guilty about anything. You have done a tremendous job taking care of your mom and giving her loving care. Give some back to yourself.
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Let your brother take care of it.
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My mom died suddenly with little money or property. There are 5 of us siblings and my brother and I paid for the funeral ourselves as the other 3 didn't have the means to pay any of it. We did a modest funeral and when the others started fussing about why it wasn't bigger or grander, we just asked them if they were going to pay for the extras. They didn't have much to say after that and the youngest still isn't talking to us after 20 years.

When my father in law died about 4 years ago, when we were at the funeral home setting things up for the funeral, my mother in law did a pre-paid funeral for herself. That way she got what she wanted. Some of my wife's family seemed to think she should have went for a bigger funeral for both of them, but again didn't want to pay for it themselves.

Funny how people want something until they're asked to pay for it.
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My parents really did outlive most of their friends and family, so I have been to so many funerals. This post made me reflect on which funerals meant the most to me OR which ones really stood out in my memories.

Simply, the ones I remember best were outdoor, graveside services. I really do not remember much about the limousine service, grand floral tributes, singers, fancy hardwood coffins. What I do think stands out is when someone quotes a passage of scripture, poem, or story that reflects who that person was. What did they stand for. Those are the moments in a funeral service that mean the most and likely offer comfort to the family. The funerals that I remember best really were simple affairs.
Myself, I like graveside, simple affairs. I was raised and continue to live in a rural community where the standard funeral is a packed community hall or church, with a huge potluck dinner afterward. I am most willing to participate and cook, serve and cleanup for these events. For me and mine, less is more.
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When my husband died in May, he wanted to be cremated with no service. This is what I did and later had a "Celebration of Life" for the remaining family (just five of us). After we talked and laughed with our memories of him, we all went out to a restaurant and I had lobster and steak, his favorites, and enjoyed it immensely. He would have enjoyed himself.
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Emily, I believe that funerals are for the living and they often are more stressful on the loved ones. There is nothing wrong with not doing a funeral or obituary. You are the loved one remaining and you should do what feels right for you. I do believe your Mom would understand. My Mom has already stated that anyone who needs to know of her passing will be notified so there is no need of an obituary. She also feels that if they couldn't visit her while she was alive and well all those years...then she doesn't want them coming when she is laid out somewhere. I hear of more and more people not opting for funerals, and I will be among them with Mom and someday for myself. Emily, do what you feel is best...that will be ok.
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My husband died in 2010. We had a 2 day viewing and then a funeral service at the church and another service graveside with 7 gun salute. Hundreds of people came because Bill was well known in the community (from our garden center business). I am glad we did it all - I loved having three days spread out to honor him. Many people stood up and spoke at the funeral and that really helped me and the kids.

Regarding the elderly............... such.different circumstances.
My elderly MIL and mom will be buried without fanfare. Same for me. In a way, my husbands funeral was a celebration of "us" - him and me. Now it's just me and I believe that I was already honored along with him in 2010. No more needs to be said or done. Just put me beside him in the cemetery - that's all I want.
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Without a funeral, there is no closure. My 65 y.o. cousin just died and had a "dinner party funeral" and no obituary until I pressed her sister to publish one!
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I'll admit it up front .. I have unusual/abnormal sensibilities. When someone I care for dies, I play ritual drums .. something that connects me with the ether and my memories .. to set them free. Not close them. I see "closure" as a negative: I close a book and stash it on a shelf somewhere to be dusted off occasionally, rarely picked up and read. The people in my life, the ones I care for the most and who care(d) for me, are with me ... are a PART of me, always. How I observe their passing or transition is a very personal thing. Typically, I will only share that process with someone who groks me. Those people are rare. And, yes .. I'm a loner, by choice. I don't really buy into the family is blood thing, with all the guilt and duty that goes along with it. I refuse to buy into the concept that my life will be forever empty after I lose someone. My "losses" in life have been enormous, yet the life before the loss made me who and what I am. "Closure" feels like a term filled with guilt and imposition, not to mention gory and gruesome. We stand over a dead body or their ashes and what? remember? glorify? lie about how good they were
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damn .. hit the post button while I was editing ...

but .. *shrugs* I'll leave it where it ended. Except to say, if I went to any service or celebration, right now, my options would be to choose between lying about how I feel, or blasting everyone in the room. I choose the higher road to stay away. I don't need no damned "closure" .. not yet.
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Ladee: For each person, losing a loved one is different. And that's okay. ♥♡
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I have felt so sad and hurt in a way I can't describe when I have lost a friend and there has been no funeral. It just does not seem right, I guess I equate it with if a person's death is not important it is like saying their life was not important I doubt it is anything as rational as that. It's just that every life matters and it seems some note should be taken of it's passing, and people who knew them and who must go on without them need to take that ceremonial, dedicated time to integrate their memories into their life.
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OTOH - Though it may be true that funerals are not for the dead but for the living, people's wishes have got to be respected, that really is more important than any other consideration.
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I agree with everyone. If there r only a few who would attend the service than I wouldn't go with the service. You can have a private viewing or none at all. If there r somefriends and family take them out for a nice luncheon or dinner to celebrate her life. Both my MIL and FIL didn't want viewings or services. We had a private viewing for family and a nice meal afterwards.
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My mother died at 90 and she didn't want a funeral. The week she was in Hospice I went to the funeral home and arranged for her cremation. I paid for it the day she died. My brothers and I went out to dinner and that was it. All of her friends were gone. We put a nice obituary in the paper. Right now she is residing on my fireplace in a $5 urn I bought at a garage sale. She used to love garage sales and never was one to waste money. She would have gotten a kick out of that. My brother did buy her a plot in Michigan (she lived in Florida the last 30 years of her life) and he will eventually come and get her. He forgot to take her home when he was here when she died. But I kind of like having her around, so he can take his time! When they live that long, most of their friends and such are long gone or too old or ill to travel. So it was just her kids. That's how she wanted it and that's what we did! Best of luck!
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You don't have to buy a plot for a cremated person. They can be buried in a plot of a deceased relative/husband/ wife. So, the plot ur brother purchased can be used for someone else, too.
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I am still reading everyone's comments and have to say I am feeling somewhat comforted knowing that thoughts I have been having on this topic don't feel so inappropriate now. I love my Mama with all my heart...I have been totally alone through all of this...totally...People who have been able to help have not offered and even siblings of hers whom Mama was there for all their lives have been of zero help. I don't think I can stand having to stand there and have all these people who had over four years to visit and see my Mama when it mattered come by and make all the blathering speeches about how much she meant to them...obviously if she did they sure never showed it....Still I want to honor my Mama's memory..We had a huge funeral for Daddy with all the bells and whistles..and casseroles and food...The thought of going through all that when Mama leaves is almost enough to send me over the edge. I feel that my devotion to her now IS my honoring her....I will more than likely have a very small graveside service, as all her true friends have either passed or live too far away now to attend...The rest of it I cannot imagine....I will talk to my brother, but more than likely that is what I am going to do...I love him, I don't want to hurt him, but knowing his wife, she won't be there then ...she sure hasn't been here now...and yet, as Garden did mention, I know when Daddy passed, a lot of people told me things he had done for them during his life...and that was comforting..but I just wonder if they ever told HIM how much it meant to them...??? So much of this stuff called life is so hard to understand...and I think only we, as caregivers, the ones who are here to the end, are the only ones who truly "get" it....I do believe you need to do what you feel you can do and what is best for you...you have honored your LO with your presence already...
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I too am a loner by choice...and while I mean no disrespect to the living or those who have passed, as I have gotten older, the only funerals I attend are the ones where those left behind are people whom I care for and have been with through their LO illness or passing, or the one who has passed was special to me...That may be wrong, but that's just the way I feel. I think those left behind know whether we care, or cared and whether we are coming out of guilt, for show, or because we cared. They need not wonder whether I care...if I didn't I would not be there...
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Good points above. I really do question if a lifelong friend who totally dropped off the face of the earth when their friend was diagnosed with dementia would have the nerve to show up for a funeral. I don't know what causes that to happen. Maybe they are too sad to see their friend in that condition, maybe they are afraid someone will ask them for money to help with expenses or maybe they harbor resentment for past slights. I don't know, but to me, they have already said their goodbye.
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JoAnn29...I never knew you could bury the ashes with or in another's loved one's plot. that's good to know. thanks...
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My husband passed away this last June, and he was creameted. We had paid for our creamation, burial plots, etc. about 8 years ago. We both said we did not want a funeral, but my husband was in the military for 4 years and he did want a 21 gun salute. So we just had a small gathering of family and friends along with the VFW providing a 21 gun salute. The VFW also provided a luncheon at the hall which was everything my husband would have wanted. I am sure he was pleased with the way everything turned out for him. It turned out the way he described he wanted to leave this world.
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When dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer, I asked him if he wanted to be buried, cremated, or recycled. (Yes, we had that kind of relationship.)

Cremation with the ashes scattered in the Amazon River was too cliché for him. Donating his body for science to play with was a gas. We laughed for days about it. Finally we settled on a party-funeral with plenty of food and booze. So we celebrated his life instead of mourning his passing.

Forgive me if I come across as flippant, but did you ask your mother what she wanted?
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