Anyone ever decided to just not have a funeral for their loved one?

Emily - I agree with akdaughter - Give A Hug - all YOU have to do is make arrangements when she passes on - if at a later date you prefer to have a celebration service you can. This is a personal thing - nobody can tell you what is right or wrong. Go with your intuition on this. The person that leaves us is in a wonderful place. It's the ones left behind that feel sometimes that will give them closure. My prayer for you is one of peace and that you can do what is right for you.

Funerals are for the living--that is for sure! And if you are in the stages of planning one for a loved one, do so with THEIR wishes in mind.
Mother and daddy had their funerals 'pre-planned' and 'pre-paid'. When daddy died, mother did not have to deal with much planning at all. I saw how much the pre-plan helped. Daddy's funeral was lovely and as his life touched so many others--and we have huge families, it was appropriate and good we had a service.
One thing that can be pretty awful--no planning, no discussion of what is wanted --my FIL died, not unexpectedly, and his 3 kids just fell to pieces. It took them 18 hours to simply choose a casket and flowers. They were all guilt ridden--and he had the funeral to prove it. A casket that cost almost $25K!! And the headstone they picked! Almost embarrassing in it's size. They had no idea what dad wanted, so it became a very stressful time, when I compare it to the peaceful and loving service my dad had.
Personally, I am donating my body to the local University Medical School. At some point, cremains will be sent to my executor. They'll be tossed over my husbands' grave. Luckily, my kids are finally all OK with this.
If families are estranged, or uninterested, no funeral is fine. People who want to pay their respects can still send cards or call.

For myself I also have decided to leave my body to Umass. When they are done they have a nice service and return the cremains.

When my mom passed almost a year and a half ago I really had no idea what she wanted beyond being buried beside my father 2 states away. She would not discuss anything with me in the 6 months I cared for her other than to make me verbally promise this wish to her. Everything I tried to discuss with her was met with the statement "Are you trying to make me dead already?" So when it came time I did what I thought was right according to how she had lived her life. I did have a small funeral with most of the bells and whistles she would have loved but on a scaled down version. Still I spent almost 10 grand on her funeral and don't regret a bit of it.

However while planning her funeral, I realized that what I wanted for my own was entirely different. As a result I have planned my own and pre-paid it with a very reputable company locally. It will be simple per my request, with only my children and grandchildren permitted to view my earthly body. Afterwards there will be a quiet memorial service for anyone who chooses to attend. I will be cremated and my ashes distributed to each of my 5 children in a container of their choosing. The rest of my cremains can be flushed down the drain for all I care. (I horrified my youngest daughter when I said this.) I feel that this way there will be no in-fighting over what to "do" with me and no unexpected expenses to my children.

I did this because I personally do not like all the hoopla but want something quiet and dignified for the people who love me while I'm alive.

All that said I think it is entirely up to the individual as to what they think is appropriate for their loved one. If the deceased wishes are granted then that is what matters most. If no wishes are known then do as your heart directs. At the end of the day you are the one to decide what is right in your particular situation.

Hi Emily123. I saw so much of what happened with you in the way I handled things when my mom died. I was with her as she took her last breath and count that as a wonderful blessing. I am an only child, so I made all the decisions about a funeral, etc. She had already picked out the dress she wanted to wear, so I knew she expected a funeral. I preplanned everything and took great pride in coordinating things with the color of her dress. We used to sing along to songs, so I chose our three favorites for the ceremony. The process gave me a lot of comfort, and rather than being distraught on the day, I smiled and was comforted with the knowledge that she would have approved. I was surprised at the number of friends and acquaintances who attended, and that made me feel good, too. I am so pleased you made the decision you did. On the other hand, I understand how some of the other posters feel. If my mom had been deliberately cruel to me and we weren't close while she lived, I am sure I would have felt different. Peace and warm memories to you, Emily.

My husband and I neither want funerals. Cremation will be arranged. Ashes will be placed (quietly) in a spot that is special to both of us. He is now in memory care. I'm glad we decided this several years ago.

wow i was reading my biograghy. Exact same story. sole caretaker,end stage caretaker, estranged brother who has never participipated in the family. my mother was shy and quiet, as am i, its been pretty much her and i since day one. poor thing would get so embarrassed when i had to change her dirty diapers.the cycle of life...i told her i was just returning the favor, she did it for me. i lost her two weeks ago...c. diff infection. She wanted to stick around long enough to see who the next prez is...she said i should cremate her and thake the money i saved and use it to go on a well deserved vacation...scew those those relatives who couldnt be bothered.lifting a finger to help u or your mom. u should do those same!!! she wants me to take her{ashes} with me on vacation cuz she hasnt been anywhere in years(she was a funny girl right up to the end, some times she couldnt remember my name, but she always remembered her jokes...she said to spread her around, under a tree, or in a garden. She said to use her as fertilizer. she wanted to help the plant grow big and strong.So, i am gonna show her a good time ,one last time, but this time she doesnt need her walker! and she is in know discomfort, or pain. and wen we get back from vacation. i think i might sprinkle a little of her on the strip too, (i live in Vegas,crazy huh?). and then have a cocktail and get my first ever tatoo, that will serve as her Gravestone...wow this post was all about me huh?...huh,...wat was your question again? LOL...hsve some fun,enjoy your new found freedom, u have earned it.

HI Fondrees. I don't remember how long ago I asked the question about not having a funeral.Anyway, my mom did want one. When she passed the day after Christmas, I decided to do it for her. I take comfort that I was with her at home as she took her last breath. Made me think she and I had come full circle together. She wanted to be cremated and put in a double urn with my dads' ashes which she had in her apartment downstairs from me (4 family home). Brother still useless. Pronounced at the 2 month point I must be finished mourning. What an idiot!!! Mom was my friend, not only my mother. I miss her all the time. It feels like part of me is missing. Hugs and best wishes to you as you begin your journey without your Mom.

wow i was reading my biograghy. Exact same story. sole caretaker,end stage caretaker, estranged brother who has never participipated in the family. my mother was shy and quiet, as am i, its been pretty much her and i since day one. poor thing would get so embarrassed when i had to change her dirty diapers.the cycle of life...i told her i was just returning the favor, she did it for me. i lost her two weeks ago...c. diff infection. She wanted to stick around long enough to see who the next prez is...she said i should cremate her and thake the money i saved and use it to go on a well deserved vacation...scew those those relatives who couldnt be bothered.lifting a finger to help u or your mom. u should do those same!!! she wants me to take her{ashes} with me on vacation cuz she hasnt been anywhere in years(she was a funny girl right up to the end, some times she couldnt remember my name, but she always remembered her jokes...she said to spread her around, under a tree, or in a garden. She said to use her as fertilizer. she wanted to help the plant grow big and strong.So, i am gonna show her a good time ,one last time, but this time she doesnt need her walker! and she is in know discomfort, or pain. and wen we get back from vacation. i think i might sprinkle a little of her on the strip too, (i live in Vegas,crazy huh?). and then have a cocktail and get my first ever tatoo, that will serve as her Gravestone...wow this post was all about me huh?...huh,...wat was your question again? LOL...hsve some fun,enjoy your new found freedom, u have earned it.

When my mom died we had the funeral. Dad bought 2 double burial plots as his sister was in a nursing home and he had 2 unmarried sons. 13 years later his sister died and she was cremated and buried in the plot. 9 mo. later my little brother died and was buried in the plot and then 7 mo later my older brother died and was buried too. They were cremated too. We held our own graveside service (just family that lived nearby). Later we had a memorial/party for older brother at dad's house and invited all his friends and family. Younger brother had a mental illness so there really were no friends. I'd agree with others. Do what YOU think is right and what YOUR conscience will be comfortable with.

I posted about my mom's funeral earlier, but I left an important part out. She passed away on June 1, 5 years ago; and, I am already hurting, just not quite as much as I did back then. I said my mom had picked out her pink dress, so obviously she expected a funeral. I pre-planned it and coordinated it around her pink dress. I picked out the special music we sang together. I went through some pictures and picked out one of her and my dad when they were married (in his Navy uniform) and an 8 x 10 of a portrait they had made for me when they were both healthy and happy. Those went at the head and foot of the casket. There has always been a picture of mom that I love. She was about 10, pouting, and had one little curl hanging on her forehead. It went on the side with the flowers. Other than the spray of miniature roses on the casket, that was it. Very plain.

Eddie posted earlier, and his message is what prompted me to write today.

My mom and I had the same kind of relationship as they did. We knew she was very sick and would die soon; and we could talk about everything and usually find humor in it. I knew how curious she was about everything, and I was quite pleased with my plans for her funeral. I casually mentioned some time in May that I had learned from how she pre-planned my dad's arrangements, and that I had done the same for her. I told her if she ever wanted to talk about it, we could; but, if not, I would never bring it up again. Eventually, as I knew she would, she started asking a few questions, and I told her about the songs, etc. She had already asked her pastor and nephew to speak. When I told her which pictures would be on display, she said, "Oh, no, Sharon!" She said it laughingly, though. I saved the best til last, the picture with the pout and the curl. She knew I had always loved it. She said something to the effect that I wouldn't put that picture out for all to see, would I? I said yep, it was going to be there; and, we both began to laugh. She then told me how well she though I had done and how proud she was of me...except that one picture, which started more laughter and false pleading for me not to display it! That was less than a month before she passed away. Since we had been so comfortable talking about everything, it was as if the actual funeral were not real. Mom and I had the celebration of her life together the day that we laughed and talked about it. I was serene during the ceremony as I looked up and imagined her looking down on the gathering and chiding me for displaying that picture.

I decided to keep the funeral congenial for the people who attended, but I wanted it to be between mom and me, too. So, after the ceremony, a line of guests formed; and, as they passed, I thanked them for coming, etc. I cried with some and laughed with some. It was a pleasant time.

I didn't want anyone at the graveside with me; so, when they gave me the signal, I excused myself and went out the back. I didn't know my husband was going with me, but he got in the other side of the car. We followed the hearse to the graveside and watched until the end. By the time we returned to where the ceremony took place at the front of the cemetery, everyone had gone. One lady had stayed to put the flowers in the car for us. Then, my husband and I went to one of the oldest sports bars in town and had greasy, double cheeseburgers before we returned home. If the day of one's mother's funeral can be called well done, mom's was.

My main message is that the greatest gift anyone can give your loved ones is to tell them what you want before the time comes. Try not to be morbid about it; think of it as a part of life, which it is. My mom gave me such a comfort and sweet, sweet memories by being open with me about everything in life and death. My dad did the same for mom and me.

The month after mom's funeral, I arranged and paid for my cremation. By the time my time comes, there won't be that many people around for a funeral. I want every day of my life to be a celebration of life and a happy memory for the ones who are left. I have considered, depending on where and what my circumstances are, arranging a party for my friends.

I hope something I have said has helped someone with the decisions being discussed on this thread. As other things that come our way in life, we can't control them; but, we can cope with them in individual and positive ways.

Great post.

My father passed away 3 years ago. Before he died, he told us that he did not want a funeral, or anything else. He decided to donate his body to science. I didnn't know what to expect, but what a wonderful program. The people were the kindest, most helpful and caring people I could imagine. They not only took care of every detail for us, but also helped me with anything I needed to take care of afterwards. We were not sure how to handle not having any kind of service, but it turned out so nice that my mom has decided to do the same thing. We let family and friends know that he was a donor, asked that donation be made in lieu of flowers to a charity and let them know that his name was on a plaque at the celebration of life park that the program has. It was such a blessing!

One of my sisters-in-law wants to donate her body parts for research or to save another person's life.

Although the above comments are a year old, they are well worth reading. What beautiful and creative ways people find to pay tribute to their loved ones!
According to her wishes, my mother is buried in a Jewish cemetery in New York, along with her parents and my first husband, who died at 35. My second husband, who said, "I don't want my children to have to visit my grave," got his wish to have his ashes tossed in the Gulf of Mexico from a beach in Florida, where we lived. My son and stepdaughters took part in our ceremony, while gulls stood watch. Three weeks after I met my perfectly healthy 73 year old third husband, he expressed a wish for his ashes to be buried in Florida National Cemetery in Bushnell, Florida. I carried out his wishes. When my time comes, my ashes will be buried in the same plot. Our headstone may be the only one that will have a cross on one side (his) and a Star of David (mine) on the other.

Both mom and dad, having grown up (and passing on the tradition to their kids) with huge funerals, long funeral processions, big flower cars, etc., grew to thoroughly dislike this process. As did we their children. Both mom and dad requested cremation, no service whatsoever. And we followed their wishes. All of our remaining family is scattered across the U.S. anyway. Not realistic to expect everyone to be able to attend a funeral. If it gives a family comfort and closure then of course, do it! Do whatever feels right for you. There is no one "right". My mom, who was born in New Orleans and left after the Great Depression hit (she was 6) for Chicago with her family, always carried New Orleans in her heart. We scattered her ashes there, along the Mississippi on the River Road, far from the city itself. It was beautiful and very fitting.

When my dad was in the ICU getting ready to die my sisters came to see him & both left before he died. It was such a terrible experience (severe mental illness etc) that afterward I realized that after taking care of them, father & now mother, by myself, for all these years that I wasn't going to put myself through another such experience. It was such a nightmare that it took 7 years to recover & my mother basically didn't want to speak to either sister for over 6 years really. I will have a quick burial with a commital & that is it. There are no illusions to any kind of 'comfort' in family or friends.

Joyinthemidst: What you're doing is just fine. You've done your just due.

Since funerals can cost up to $15000 or more, depending on the casket, having a funeral when you are the only person involved doesn't seem to make sense. When my grandmother died at age 95, she didn't want a funeral, but my mother, her only child, desperately wanted to have one, so we did. Really, the only people there were family, which was quite a few since I'm one of 7 children. But there weren't friends of my mother, since my parents had lived out of state for years, and only a couple of ladies from the church. I know it somehow helped my mother, but it really wasn't necessary, I felt, since we had all had time to say goodbye to Grandma. Do what your heart tells you is right. You are loving and honoring your mother now when it really matters. Give yourself permission to grieve in your own way, and not how anyone else wants you to.

I just wanted to say I appreciate what everyone has shared and I too believe it is something that has to be decided on an individual basis. I don't believe in allowing people to pressure anyone into doing it a specific way.

I've taken care of my dad, & now for 7 years, mom and other than constantly reassuring her I'm NOT going to cremate her, never said i would (she has dementia) I'm going to do what is easiest for me. I've been alone in this with my son then my father and now mum so I've decided to take care of My body, mind & spirit because I have discovered that no one else will or even cares. Sad but true.
What I have learned by God's grace through journeying through this dark night filled with sparks of laughter & explosions of love and despair as I dance this last dance with my precious mummy & friend & child of God is worth all the suffering. It will all be done. The funeral would be meaningless. I will dance with her again and rejoice that she is dancing already with God.

I think it's fine not to have a funeral. I don't think I will have one for my mom and dad as they have outlived all their friends and siblings. The ones who are left are in assisted living or nursing homes. I think a visitation and graveside service would be fine in these situations. Funerals are so ridiculously expensive everyone is going to cremations. My husband died this past February and his sister operates a funeral home and she covered most of the costs. It would have been over $10,000 if I had to pay for it all.

For ourselves, make sure you have everything in writing so whomever is left to make arrangements will know what to do.

I don't know about leaving detailed funeral instructions. Transporting a body 3500 miles and having a comprehensive funeral when there's only a very few people in that town that remember your loved one, what's the point. I believe it's good to express your wishes as things exist at this moment in time, but if you lose your mind and yet live another 10 or 15 years, into your 90s or 100s, when even the children of your friends have died, what good do the detailed instructions you left 30 years ago do? Everybody else is dead. Leaving a headstone with the details next to your husband/family I can see as being important, but as for which music is played...not so much. Leave the details, if any, to your children/grandchildren. People live a lot longer nowadays.

When my dad died from a sudden heart attack, my stepmom had him creamated. We stay together for a week, shared memories, cleaned out his drawers, etc. No funeral. She has requested we have her cremated and mix their ashes and spread them in the mountains. I think each person must make that decision. I want don't want a formal funeral, just go as a family to the zoo and remember the good times. On the other hand, my mother-in-law wants a big funeral complete with a wailing Wall...but it is cultural. Do what you feel like!

Cremation and Memorial is the way to go. No funeral where people who have not been seen or heard from in years can show up, pretend they care, and get a full belly in the bargain.

Three weeks after I met my future husband, who was an apparently healthy man in his mid seventies, he asked me to promise he would be buried in a veterans' cemetery. I promised. We married and he died three years later. None of his family visited him during his last few years, so I didn't consider a funeral. As promised, he was buried in Florida National Cemetery with a military ceremony. I visited his grave a few months later, memorizing the beautiful wooded setting. I am content that I did the right thing.

My mom died in January of mouth cancer. It was a hard time as I am still caring for my grandma and we were living in CT with everyone of our relatives all over the place (out of state and across country). Everyone expressed their apologies but they could not come and make the trip. We opted not to have a funeral as the expense would have just been too much and the only ones who would have come would have been acquaintances and coworkers and not family. Instead we moved to Maine where my sister lives with her family and buried her at a cemetery down the street. When we did that we had a graveside memorial for just my family (my dad, me and my grandma) as well as my sister's family (her and her husband along with her two young children).

To be honest I didn't want to be around family after my mom passed away. I just wanted to get out of there. My grandma was haunted having dementia and not understanding why I was crying all the time and where my mom was. She would ask for her, talk to her then get really upset when she couldn't find her. I was struggling with trying to get us packed up to move. I had already quit my job to care for her and my grandma, my dad was retiring to move to Maine and with my grandma having severe dementia, she wouldn't have understood a funeral anyway.

I think you have to do what is best for you and your family. Some people find funerals helpful especially if you can have family and friends surrounding you. Others find it hard, expensive and wish to mourn in another way. Do what you feel is best. There's nothing wrong with not having a funeral. There is nothing wrong with having a family only funeral. Grieving is personal and a private thing that you need to do while doing what is best. What is best for you may not be the same as what is best for other members of your family. I wish you luck and I'm sorry for your loss.

Both of my parents have specifically requested no funeral service, no published obituary in the newspaper. They have placed their wishes in writing. It makes sense. When my MIL dies suddenly and there were no plans or pre-arrangements, the family quickly planned an expensive funeral and burial. My husband and I ended up picking up 50% of that tab, because nobody else had money to contribute.

When my father died, my mother wished to have him cremated and nothing more. But, we received a little bit of pressure from extended family to have some sort of memorial service. So, about a month later, we had an informal gathering at the house for, mostly, his family.

It was weird and no one spoke about my father at all. so I don't see how it brought anyone closure. The whole thing was bizarre.

My mother, who lives with me, has expressed that she wishes to be cremated. I have no desire for any kind of service or anything. my brother's who give her no attention now, will want the opportunity to wail over her body and act like they are suffering a great loss. I can't bear to watch that.

I don't know yet. I may have a service or I may not. But, there is a great likelihood that if I do arrange some sort of service, I will just skip going to it.

As they say, the funeral is for the living. And, if that is the case, it should be something that brings comfort or closure to the living not angst and drama.