What can I do to protect myself when my dad with dementia is telling the bank and other people that I was taking his money?

I feel for you. First, you have to repeat over and over to yourself that you have nothing but good intentions for your dad and then you must make yourself grow a thick skin. Sometimes all you know is that you can look yourself in the mirror and stand before God and pretty much otherwise say to hell with whatever anyone else says or thinks.
I would talk to an eldercare attorney and I would also have him evaluated physiologically. He clearly, with the environment he was living in, is a danger to himself and his own wellbeing. You can also have him Baker Acted and they have to keep him I think 72 hours under observation (if he is a danger to himself or others). I'd like to say he will someday appreciate you and apologize but he won't. Doing the right thing is just what you do because that's what it is. The right thing.

I went through this recently with my father on the DPOA. I can't afford an attorney and I needed to handle my dad's business. Closing down his utilities, etc. I also thought I was going to have a fight on my hands to get my dad to agree to go anywhere. Apparently one of the drs or nurses reported him to Adult protective services. It ended up being a god send because they go his dr to declare him mentally incompetent and when they did, the MPOA took over which I had already had in place. The durable power of attorney has to be notarized and it cannot be done if he doesn't understand what he was signing. The social worker at his nursing home said that they would not be able to do it if he was unable to understand. I talked to my dad and we were all convinced that he was able to understand and he signed it. The one we have says that it can be revoked at any time that the person wants to revoke it. In my dad's case, that made him feel better. Of course, he trusts me anyway so that's why he did it. Good luck. APS helped me get him declared. They took care of all of it and then also told me that I was now responsible to make sure he wasn't left alone anymore. Worked out well so far. Dad hates the nursing home - :( oh well, it's better than the other option.

If/when you get POAs, the situation may not get any better. My sis and I both have shared and equal POA. My mom had convinced an attorney that we were stealing everything from her and we were going to put her away. We had consulted with an attorney about becoming her guardian. The courts make it a lot more work (as if it isn't enough already) as a guardian, you have to become an accountant. We had a close family friend who is a respected, retired judge and he spoke to the attorney to get him to back off. Abilify is our friend. The paranoia has diminshed greatly and she is not a zombie. Sometimes no matter what you do, you can't be successful. It may take you, completely stepping back and allowing him to completely flounder before the "powers that be" take action to protect you father. Then they will be begging for you to take control. It is hard and it is only going to get harder. Good Luck.

I got my two POAs, I worked with a specialist who put it in writing that she can do a POA, he may still be able to do a POA even though he has mild to moderate dementia, do it before the specialist can not deem him able despite the onset of dementia. Guardianship is VERY costly and long, I would work on the POAs first.

Debbi1 said it all----

Adonna, I am so sorry you are in this tough situation. Dementia and Alzheimer's make life a nightmare when you are dealing with a loved one who has it. If he has dementia and the doctor has already diagnosed this, you could not get your father to legally sign a power of attorney anyway since people with dementia and Alzheimer's are considered incompetent. Adult protective services mainly get involved in cases of abuse and neglect and the police really can't do a thing. What you need is to get a lawyer and file a guardianship. The judge will look at the medical evidence that your dad is mentally incompetent and you can explain what his home was like and how he is in dementia and unable to take care of himself. The judge can grant you guardianship and in this way you can obtain control so to protect Dad. You could then move him to assisted living where he would be in a clean environment and would be given his meds. Many will offer transport to the doctor and may have registered nurses available. If he is low income, you could then use the money to prepay his funeral and see if he can get on Medicaid. They do check to see what has been spent in the past 5 years but would not consider prepaying a funeral for him to be fraudulent.

Adonna, I am sorry you are having to go through this, but we are all or have gone this before. If anyone accuses you of stealing, just tell them your father is ill and therefore not responsible for his actions. Make sure to document any large deposits into your bank account, just in case. Now the police and APS have been involved, you have a doctor's diagnosis and you have several incidents. Do not worry too much. Living next door will give you space, and try only interacting with him when he is pleasant (it will get that way later). You know his accusations are untrue and you and your husband are to be commended for having cleaned his house and done as much as you have. Stay positive and do not give him anymore power. After all, aren't you the sane one? Best wishes.

This can happen to anyone, take heed.

It's time to line 'em up and knock them down as fast as you can:

1.GET LEGAL ADVICE! GET LEGAL ADVICE! GET LEGAL ADVICE! You might call the adult protective services again and see if they can help you or if they know where you can get free or cheap legal advice. If you can afford an attorney, call one whose speciality is elder law now and get in there today. Protective services see this stuff all the time. Explain his paranoia and that he is telling people you are taking his money. Do you have any other siblings? Do they all agree that dad ain't right in the head? Does your dad have an attorney? He may all this stuff already drawn up and nobody knows about it.

2.Contact your father's doctor. Explain what you are seeing in your father's behavior. See if the doctor can do anything and agrees with you. You might need to get your father committed somewhere. They are going to ask if your father is presently a danger to himself or others. Are there any guns in his home? Also,
ask the pharmacy your dad uses if there are any drug interactions that are making him weird. (I took care of a friend's aunt and found that was the problem making her weird). I hope your dad is not driving or has access to car keys.

3.Since he will not give you POA you may have to go to court and get guardianship of him. Before you cleaned his filthy home did you take any pictures or video of the filth?

4. People go through this money thing all the time. Go to the bank where your father has his account and speak with the head of the bank. I've been through this one. I was lucky the woman who heads mom's bank had been through this with her grandmother. I sat mom down with the head of the bank and asked her if she wanted to go through anything. I had all her statements in a binder and mom sheepishly said, "No." I also try to go over her statements with her when I take her to have her nails done so I have a witness. I was smart I had her all lined up with the right legal documents before she got bad.

5. Remember this too will pass. Double check with the funeral home to see if there is some other way he might be paying for his funeral.



6. Your father sounds like he is pretty far gone. I would video his behavior.

7. Don't let your Dad move in with you he will make your life miserable. The social services people are suppose to look back 5 years on your father's financial stuff.
The nursing home expenses are to come from your dad's assets.

8. Try to find a nursing home that will take him to his doctor appointments.

9. If your father is declared mentally incompetent or ill, it should make all agreements/contracts null and void (like changing the beneficiary). Again ask your attorney how to proceed on this.

10. Make sure all of his mail is sent to your home once you have him situated.
There was a new recent change in the law on life insurance benefits. The life insurance companies are now suppose to try to find the beneficiaries. Open all mail because I got one the other week from a company State Farm had hired to try to locate the daughter or one of my mother's old dead boyfriends (He died in the late 1980s). The return address was something like Unclaimed Assets.

11. If your father doesn't have a lot of money, find a nursing home that will keep him when he spends down his money. That way you don't have to move him again.

12. Take care of yourself. Exercise and allow yourself to cry if you need to do that.

You really need to have Power of Attorney because it really doesn't sound as though you father is capable of caring for himself at this point. I go to a support group where I asked if someone could recommend a good elder law attorney. The attorney who was recommended to me by a number of the people in the group has been very helpful. When you father starts to tell people untrue stories about you, you can simply look the person in the eye, shake your head slightly and apologize to the other person, saying that your father isn't well. People generally get what is going on pretty easily.

Boy it makes me glad that I got PofA soon in my mom's illness and set of the Advance Directive. I keep track of everything just so I won't be questioned. Mom still asks to see her bank statement thinking she has more money and policies than she has. At one point she was calling the adult protective services daily to tell on my cousin whom she thought was being abusive. We finally had to tell the agency about my mom's illness so they had a heads up when she called. You are so right when you say to cover yourself in as many ways as you can. Safer for all.

Hi, I sure do understand, I understand acutely this kind of mess. Breifly, I moved from USA to Ireland to find my mother living in a "hoarder" nest, and very bad off. I can't tell you how I felt coming into this after leaving everything I knew behind me, no car, no transport, know no one, didn't know where I was. My mother got to the point where she locked herself out and had been telling the neighbors I was hitting her, not feeding her, keeping her prisoner, and yada yada. The upshot was police removing me in my pajamams, detained in a cell for two hours, spent the night in a homeless shelter to the elder abuse social workers investigating me. They put my mother in a respite center for two months, insisted she would be put in a nursing home, told me I have no rights whatsoever. That she would be put in a nursing home, made a ward of the state, and they would sell her house and freeze her assets. Well, can you just imagine how I felt.

I got things straightened out, no easy feat. It was found that she had moderate cognitive decline, these people in nursing home and respite nurses said she had advanced dementia. Anyhow, I took her to a specialist, he said she would be better off with me and at this point I got it in writing that she was able to make an Enduring Power of Attorney, (Irish law). I took this letter to the attorney, we drew up the papers and took her to her general practitioner had him sign, her sign, me sign and there it is done. Now when if and when she gets to the point of not knowing her name or who I am, I contact lawyer who registers the Enduring Power with the Court of Wards and I take over. They can not force her to a nursing home, I would decide where she lives and what is best for her. In the meantime, I have a Power of Attorney that I can use when needed for talking to anyone of her accounts, such as house insurance and then handle it. Sometimes the banks or some people squawk at this but I was told to refer anyone to the lawyer if needed.

I also got a right to residence being drafted up. I will never ever be placed in the position she put me in.

Now as far as your dad is concerned. I can just imagine the mess you had to clean up and that was good for all the pains you went to to get him set up so you can take care of him next door, nice plan,wish I had that option.

I would most definitely get in writing that your father is capable of making up the two Powers of Attorney.

If he is still with you in the mind department to some degree, sit down with him, with someone he trusts too and explain to him his options. If he wants to remain home tell him he must get a power of attorney, either you or a lawyer or someone. Tell him he must arrange to get his bills paid either by you or the POA he gets. Or his last option is assisted living or a nursing home, pick the one you want dad.

My mother found out pretty quickly that stories which were done for attention, she was lonely after losing my father, wanted attention, did not want to give up any control, she realized that it was me or a nursing home, her choice. I told her I would never ever get that bizarre treatment again and it would be the last she saw of me.

I would consider taking a written letter from her doctor stating his mental state and his cognitive decline to the police station to be filed, and your POA to be filed with it or the lawyers POA, whomever.

I would also have this in writing to Adult Protective Services.

You need to cover your a#$$$.

He can have many assets that you are unaware of, after POA is established you will find out.

It is possible that he has an insurance policy that does not require regular premium payments. It could be a paid-up policy, either one that is totally paid when it is taken out, or one that he has had for a long time, and the annual dividends exceed the annual premium so that there is nothing due. It could also be a policy from a previous employer that was a retirement benefit. My aunt was a retired government employee, and when I was going through her personal papers after her death (I was her PR), I found that she had a small life insurance policy that no one in the family knew anything about, and I suspect, she had forgotten about.