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I joined this forum and have been lurking. Question: Do you think it is possible for sibling relationships to recover from the caregiving experience? Do you think you can ever feel love for your sibling(s) after your caregiving experience?



Two siblings and I share (unevenly) caregiving for a step-dad and our bio dad and his wife. I'm wondering when everything is over with if we will ever be sibling friends again.



I have a healthcare background. So, I took care of Mom 90% of the time for 3 years until she passed. I took care of my FIL in his 9-month fight with cancer. (In the end, other people took credit. I didn't take care of them for the accolades, so I don't care. The important thing was that they had good care.) Currently, I stay with my step-dad and take care of him and his house. He can wash himself and use the microwave to heat meals that I prepare. (I work full time.) I also prepare meals for my father and his wife.



Sibling 2 resides in her own home, but does housework for dad and wife and takes them to appointments. Sibling 1 takes step-dad to appointments and fills in occasionally for sibling 2 to allow vacations. BIL does all lawn care for step-dad.



I am missing valuable time with my husband who is 100 miles away. I've seen him once or twice a month for the last 6 years because of caregiving. I have some health issues and I'm exhausted. Yet, both siblings criticize me for not doing more. We used to be friends, but I have grown to resent them and I think I am starting to hate them. After 5 years, I took a vacation (once), the sibling who relieved me threw away/gave away (to her children) many of my things. (Cooler, small kitchen appliances, food in cupboards and freezer, linens, towels, blankets, exercise equipment, etc.)



I have tried to talk siblings into a rotation: rotate time with the two parents who need us for two weeks and take a third week off. No, they won't do it. Siblings 4 and 5 list out of state and will not help/relieve us. Step-dad has 4 children who will not help. Dad's wife has 2 children who do not help. I'm not sure that I want anything to do with ANY of them when this is all done.



Sorry, I'm rambling now (bad weekend with about 3 hours of sleep).



My original question: Do you think sibling relationships can survive the care-giving experience? If you are on the other side of this experience, were you able to somehow forgive and resume any kind of good relationship?

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I will not be in contact with my sibling after this hard difficult task is finished.
I will not be in contact with the extended family that haven't made much effort.
Some families might recover but mine isn't because this has just been too hard and difficult to do basically by oneself. I don't want to hear excuses. So I will take my husband's hand and walk through the door and close it behind us and walk back into our own life.
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Screw your relationship with your siblings. What you should be asking is if you will have any husband on the other side of this experience.

The elders of your family have ample resources and a wide network of potential caregivers. They don't need you. Assuming that your husband still thinks he does, I recommend you pack up and go home.
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Honestly, you have to go into this with the mindset that "This is what I am willing to do" and not care what everyone else is or isn't doing. Keeping score will never end well.

There is no reason why you should be living away from your husband....or that other relatives should be doing lawn care. Step dad needs to sell his place if he can't take care of it and get a senior apt or independent living. Do you realize you are giving up your life so his doesn't have to change? Why?
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Caregiving my mother was the icing on a bad relationship with my brother. He did nothing to help and a lot to hinder.
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I lived my life as a nurse. It never occurred to me to do in home care for any of my relatives; in all truth I was not raised to be expected to do it, and my limitations (mental) would never have allowed me to take that on. What care I gave I gave TO a sibling, my brother, who was diagnosed with probable early Lewy's Dementia. I was his POA and the Trustee of his Trust, helped him sell his last home, helped him find an ALF, paid all his bills and handled his finances during his illness, and settled is estate after his death. I was his ONLY sibling.
So let me ask you to look at it this way. What if you HAD no siblings.
None at all.
It's just you.
Would you have taken on all this care? Because it was you who took it on. It was your choice. And I think the hard time comes when we see what we are doing to OURSELVES and to our own immediate nuclear family through OUR OWN CHOICE.
Yes, I was very lucky. My parents worked hard and they saved even harder and they got themselves in places with care that increased by need when they were elderly. And my brother and I loved one another deeply all our lives. While the managing as POA and Trustee was something I had to learn from scratch I was handling the estate of a very organized and agreeable man, and I am of an organized bent myself. I consider myself very very lucky indeed.
But I am going to ask you to let your siblings out of the picture, out of the equation and not look at it with them in mind. We have on Forum seen HORRIBLE siblings who cheat and steal the parents until there is nothing left while one struggles to care for them. We have seen siblings as war trying to tear their parents apart before they die. We have seen dreadful things. And it is hard for siblings to work together and to share care. But at last, at the final countdown you are left with your own choices. You are caring for parents one after another to the detriment of your own health and well being and that of your family.
I would suggest counseling. This isn't about your siblings. If they didn't exist this would be all about you in the most clear way. And ultimately it is about you. You have to come to terms with the fact that this is your ONE LIFE and you are going to have to face up to the grief of not being able to do it ALL.
I am a caregiver by nature and I know how this can hurt, but trying to do it all is putting yourself on an altar that brings grief to yourself and others.
I am so sorry. Many here face daily how tough this is all. You are going to get lots of sympathy from those who suffer as you do and suffer worse. I wish you the very best.
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Caring324 Jun 2022
I disagree, this thing about putting all the blame on yourself is toxic. Yes, ok now the caregiver, after having woken up to how much they are doing and the unfairness of the situation can start to reanalyse and decide to walk away or provide less care, but sometimes, often the caregiver justs falls into caregiving through wanting to help their ill parent, with no time to consider the situation long term. The ill parent was their priority. But when others around them do not help, who should be helping (because why not, they are family after all, not strangers). Realistically, caregivers do not have a choice most of the time, they get stuck in the caring situation without realising and they were just wanting to help their parent. When I see these responses saying it was "your choice" while technically it's true, the reality is very different. In my case my dad was in a lot of pain with his cancer, we were watching the world close down due to COVID, dad in pain in bed and of course I had to help him. Were my siblings rushing to help? No. Ok, so right then I could think, oh it's my choice, do I leave dad in pain and leave? I don't have to do this. What kind of sick person thinks this? Of course everything I did, dad was my priority, I put him first. I needed to get his pain sorted, and even though they finally managed to control it better after several months, he suffered a lot. Constantly on the phone to the hospice. Dad had high and unpredictable medical needs , whilst I was also working a full time job and struggling, I didn't even have time to think about myself. Until months later when when sister, who was visiting to help for 2 weeks, and she walked out saying the caring situation was affecting her work too much, she was "putting her own life first" and not coming back. That's when I finally got really angry with the siblings. Started questioning my future. That's when you wake up, assess your situation and start to make decisions on the future of your caring. We never knew how long dad would live for, 5 weeks or 5 years. So obviously I also wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. So it was difficult to plan for the future. As it happened, he deteriorated rapidly in days, 13 months after diagnosis.
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Sometimes you just have to remove your toxic siblings from your life. I have taken care of my mom for almost 6 years, basically sole caregiver. She is now going into assisted living. Her house has been sold and I am packing it up currently all by myself. Not that I expected any help. 3 more weeks and I will never have to deal with my brother again. All those years of begging my brother for help with her are almost over. It’s sad, but some siblings only think about themselves. I’m at peace knowing I have done the best for my mom all these years. I have no intentions of ever speaking to him again. Good luck and hugs
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bundleofjoy Mar 2022
"3 more weeks and I will never have to deal with my brother again."

"All those years of begging my brother for help with her are almost over."

"It’s sad, but some siblings only think about themselves."

"I’m at peace knowing I have done the best for my mom all these years. I have no intentions of ever speaking to him again."

i totally understand you. hug!!!
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Why on earth are you doing this?
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I’m so sorry you lost your dog. Sibling alienation, that’s what I’ve been (& am) going thru. I’ve cut ties with my 3 siblings.. They’re toxic. I don’t see me ever having them back in my life. I’m ok with that because it is best for me.
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I have two words for you; go home! You are putting your health, life and marriage in jeopardy. It sounds like your father has the resources to handle his care.

I don't have any real relationships left. All of my siblings are older than me. I have an older sister who is currently in a nursing home. As far as I'm concerned, she is being well taken care of. She has a house and five living children. I think one of them left the caregiving scene. The daughter is the youngest and apparently had been taking care of her mom's responsibilities. Another one is living in another state who holds the POA. I get a call from my dad's stepdaughter about my sister's house. I didn't return the call. My doctor had placed on on bedrest that week due to an extremely high blood pressure that was in stroke range. Did I call those folks back? Nope. They are grown adults. They can handle it. I did my share of caretaking when I was younger. According to society, I will be in that old person's category. So, since the so-called stepfamily couldn't reach me, my sister's kids called my brother who is about thirteen years older than me to take on a POA for my sister. I didn't call him back to find out what he decided. He doesn't see any reason to stay in contact with me, and I don't press it. He is an old man.

Family members don't care about the shape you are left in after you are divorced, lacking resources, and your life is in total shambles after these caregiving experiences. One thing I learned is that nursing homes can be the best alternative when a caregiver had done all that they've done. Tell these folks you can no longer do this, and go no JADE. JADE means no justifying, no arguing, no defending and no explaining. You don't owe people your life. It's okay to walk away. Find a nursing agency who can send an aide out to help him and turn this over to someone else.
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Twillie Jun 2022
I love it - never heard it - NO JADE!
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As far as I’m concerned I no longer have a sibling. That bond is broken forever…….there’s nothing left for him at all!
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pamzimmrrt Jun 2022
My hubs has not spoken to his brother in months,, and I am OK with that
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