Hi, I'm new here. My mother, 78, had a stroke two months ago and was lucky she survived and took her only 2 weeks to feel better and walk and eat all on her own, normal but weaker. After that, doctors said she has some aneurism bubbles in her brain and high blood pressure so we kept her on the prescribed medication.
Last sunday she collapsed and had a massive bleed in her brain. In 10 minutes she was taken to ER and put on life support. After they did her scans, two different doctors told me she has no chance to ever be normal again and will die without life support whenever taken off of it and most likely even on life support. They told me she will progress to brain dead very soon.
Every day the last three days, every nurse and both doctors of different shifts at the ICU told me bluntly there is zero chance of her ever being able to walk or feed herself, knowing anyone or responding to anything ever again with such massive bleed in all half of right brain.
My sisters were very scared to make the decision even-though they knew the reality, and I was afraid they would have waited maybe too long so I went in there alone today and asked the doctor one more time and he said I think it is the right decision reassuring me she is progressing to brain dead but not totally there yet. I told him to take out the breathing tube and I decided to stay in the room and hold my mother. I told them to give her morphine and she died within 45 minutes after the life support was removed. It was the most terrifying, heartbreaking thing to see her trying to gasp for air watching her body fight so hard to stay alive but she eventually died with me holding her hand and her head.
I'm not sure if I did the right thing. I can't sleep, I can't eat, but I did what I would wish anyone would do for me in that situation.
I told 2 of my sisters about my decision afterwards because they are stronger, but the other two sisters I told them she died while on life support.
It's something I'm gonna have to live with for the rest of my life. I truly, deeply love my mother. All my siblings are married with kids and I'm her only son and and have no kids nor am I married. She was my closest person on earth and I was her closest person on earth to her.
I don't know, I hope she is resting in peace. I cried and I prayed till she died and watched her body turn cold. I wished she would have died in one second but instead was the longest most terrifying 45 minutes I will ever live, but in my heart if I ever come to a closure that I made the right choice it will be all worth it.
I hope God and my mother will see that I had the best of intention for the person I loved the most on this earth and most likely I will never love another human being this much.
I faced a similar thing with my mother. At 87, she was alert and coherent in the last months of her life, but had experienced living for awhile with a feeding tube. Not a big problem for some people, but for her it was. And she never forgot that they kept re-inserting it over and over again. Her specific request to me was that if she could not control bladder or bowels, I would not allow her to have a feeding tube. The last day of her life, she refused all food (even her favorite ice cream) and all fluids. She could speak then, but soon lapsed into a comatose state. Sure enough, the Dr. ordered insertion of a feeding tube. I had to BEG the Dr. not to order it. Finally, he agreed. She was gone within 24 hrs (and no "feeding tube" would have saved her.)
My brothers, who lived nowhere nearby, were furious with me. Even accused me of "murder" because there was nothing in writing about her wishes (it was such a shock to them). I should have been quicker to see that it was documented. But I was not thinking of "legalities" at the time.
I felt guilty for awhile, but I KNEW I had done what SHE wanted. And that is the main thing. She had no prior instruction for you, but you saved your mother from what would probably have been a miserable existence. You made a hard decision that was a true kindness to her. And you should rest in that knowledge. I think she would be proud of you and grateful (probably want to give you a big hug, if she could!). Please accept a big "virtual hug" from me, as well.
Today I went by the window of the ICU room where my mother took her last breath and near by me was a nurse on her break working on the same ICU pavilion and i talked to her about it and showed her the scan and the massive bleed on my mothers brain. I told her the name of the doctor whom i talked to many times and the other doctor from ER and she agreed they’re both the best, she also told me based on the scan photos i showed her the blood rupture is so massive and simply there was no chance for her based on what she has seen. But i took the doctors indirect strong advice because they were really blunt with me.
I thank you and everyone here forever for giving me some comfort at the most confusing darkest moment & place i ever been. I never seen anyone die, and seeing my most dearest human on earth die in front of me while holding her was not easy.
My mom has been staying with one of my sisters mostly who has the best house in CA and took care of her the best with medical needs doctor appointments etc.
I been sleeping on my mother’s bed at my sisters these days and surprisingly i slept good last night. I felt guilty for not bursting into tears every 10 minutes like i have been, as if her soul wants me to relax a little somehow?!
I deal with depression and darkness very well on my own, Im used to it, since i live alone for many years, by choice, but i never once failed to make my mom happy and laugh all the time whenever i showed up and we spend time together or whenever she would come at my place.
I think i am gonna be fine, at this point i worry more about my sisters. As of me, i promised my mother i will join her sooner or later, and i already told my sisters i want to be buried next to my mother or even on top of her if theres no spot next to her grave. I have decided to bury my mom in Europe in my home country, next to her first born son who died at 7 years of age and she never truly moved on from that, i believe. So i made her a promise before her last breath that i will join her too, sooner or later.
when i came here and wrote the initial post i was sincerely thinking about killing myself. Just not to leave her alone. That is because i deeply love my mom, because she was an angel. I have never ever ever heard my mom talk bad things about anyone ever, ever. She was always the the calm, the peace maker, the outmost forgiving. Thats what caused her all these brain complications i believe.
Anyway, thank you personally, “stranger”, and everyone in here who helped me immensely through the darkest moment.
I will be fine. Thank you.
(I don't mean to annoy you all and repeat myself so much but i have read every post many times, and everyone has touched me deeply)
You're traumatized right now, and all your feelings are perfectly normal.
My dad died peacefully at home, and I was haunted by his face, because so little of it resembled him that last day as the life trickled out of him. I remember telling my husband I don't know if it'd ever be able to remember him without that terrible skeletal look and empty eyes, and yet within a month I couldn't bring up that image in my mind and can only remember him as the vibrant, happy man he was. Two years later, I still can't remember what he looked like as he died.
This, too, shall pass, but if it doesn't in a month or so, get some grief counseling for yourself.
Keep coming back, every day if you want. We all care and some if not most of us have been where you are. Your mom would want you to continue your life and would not want you to join you for some time. Where in Europe are you from?
Do you know what the worst pain is for a mother? Of course you don't. You're not a mother and you don't have children. But I am a mother so I know. It's to see one of your children die. That is the worst pain.
Ask any loving parent, they'd tell you that they would jump in front of a speeding train to save their child.
If you really think your mother wants you to die before your time, you're dead wrong (pun intended.) No! Never! Ever! Believe me, that would cause her so much pain. No she does not want to see you on the other side where she is now.
What she wants, as a loving mother that she was, is to see you live the best life you possibly can. That's how you make her happy and that's how you honor her.
So, Luke. LIVE.
The doctors made the decision, advising you of her impending death. You were just the strongest one of siblings to cooperate with the reality, and to save her from more suffering. This 'decision' does not even come close to euthanasia, so set aside your fears and worries. Mother simply could not survive without machines any longer. As usual, it is God that is in charge of when we die. So sorry those last minutes and hours were so difficult.
I pray for your comfort, and that your Mother is in the presence of the God that created her.
Go in peace, lay her to rest now. She is not here. 🕊
please find a support group or grief counseling. You don’t have to go through grief alone. Talk to a therapist to get you through these hours, days, weeks, months. You have to put one foot in front of the other.
Hugs to you.
that was your best choice. You loved her, and she loved you.
You are good.
Think about how your mother would have managed with this massive brain bleed in Albania, without your presence beside her? How can you doubt her love and gratitude for what you did? Be comforted now.
Im sure she’s in heaven right now smiling down upon you and hoping you’ll move on and enjoy your life. Don’t fret, yes, it’s hard right now, it does get easier over time and keep in mind you’ll be reunited with her once again.
This is life, nobody knows when their time is up or how it may end. You let your Mom go with dignity and grace which is a blessing. I’m sure she would not have wanted to be kept alive relying on machines and no brain activity.
Be kind to yourself, and remember your Mom will always live on in your heart.
Take care, I wish you Godspeed in your recovery during this sad event. Your stronger than you think. Prayers to you and your Mom, she’s at peace now.
Having been the designated caretaker, I ask that siblings step up & give some relief. One person cannot do it all.
You are incredibly brave! Many people vanish at the end of their loved ones’ life, and you were right there, flying into the eye of the hurricane. It is impossible to come out unscathed.
You will survive and your scars will make you stronger.
There is no question that you did the right thing. (1) you followed the unanimous consensus of multiple medical providers and (2) when faced with the worst of times, you never left your mother’s side.
Many of us who have physically been present when a loved one died have experienced extreme emotional devastation from the experience and also relive recurring “daymares.”
Over time, the pain you feel may gradually be replaced with comfort and gratitude because you were able to be with her, loving her completely, through your presence. You had a most incredible and very rare relationship and accordingly, some people in your life might not understand or ever be able to reconcile the depth of your grief (possibly even your own siblings).
Your mom was graced with extra “borrowed” time after her stroke and you were able to witness her recovery. The example she provided you and that extra time together are both miracles.
You were also very kind and thoughtful to protect your sisters from the emotionally painful course of events; even without knowing what happened they probably feel very guilty that they weren’t there for your mom and for you.
I understand that you feel utterly alone, but you are absolutely not alone. Many of the people on this forum have felt your pain and lived through devastating events.
Your sharing your story provides comfort to others.
I felt the same love for my mother and she also died in my arms. I have at times, felt very alone following her death. When I used to talk about her it was clear to me that many people simply could not understand.
Over time, I promise, this will feel better. You are so incredibly lucky to have had a mother like her. That is rare.
I take comfort in realizing my love for my mom will never die. The love is still there, and strong - maybe even stronger than it was before, if that is even possible.
Getting to this place took time.
I have volunteered my time and resources in significant ways that were inspired by her. I make a silent “dedication” to her every time I do something right. She is very much with me every day, every moment. I eat her favorite foods and stop what I’m doing to honor a sunset - just like she did - but now, in her memory.
Do something every day for her -for you- and you will feel better. She loved you immensely. She would be very grateful that you were there for her and she would want you to have a happy life.
As a Mom of three grown sons, I want to speak to you as if you were one of my precious boys.
Dearest son, please push all the guilt from your mind. I am so proud of your tremendous courage in doing the only thing you could for me, as painful as it was for you. Yes son, you did the right thing, thank you for staying with me until the end. I am in a beautiful place now. Please go on with your life with joy, remembering only the wonderful times we shared son. Our life on earth is very short, we will have eternity in Heaven together.
I am impressed that you were able to make the hard choice.
End of life is not something we are trained to handle. For most people it is rather rare to experience. The news talks about death and movies/videos show all sorts of fake death, but we actually deal with it only a few time in our personal lives. It's a stressful, complicated, emotional situation. It will takes years to process. Take it one day at a time.
I was with my mother and my father when each passed. It was horrible; just as you described. With some perspective now, it was also beautiful.
It's wonderful that you loved your mother so deeply. That love is a gift. You are so fortunate.
Nothing will replace her in your life. But you can love again. It will be different yet can be just as deep.
This is something that should have been talked about while a person is alive.
I think I would have at least waited til she was brain dead before pulling the plug.
Do you realize what would have happened if you kept her on life support? Eventually she would have coded and they would have to do CPR --chest compressions are so brutal it can breaks rib bones, and keeping her alive would have made her suffer. Paddles deliver electricity that burns skin. LIFE IS CRUEL and it makes a person suffer--she is in a much better place and never forget one day it will be your turn, so remember her ORDEAL OF LIFE is over and done and nothing can ever cause her pain and suffering again. Remembering that helps me cope losing my mom. Life is an ordeal. Hers is over.
The price of love is grief. Eventually all of us lose our parents.
You saved your mother much suffering. May you and she be blessed.
With love and prayers,
You did the right thing. You put your mother first and made the terribly tough call. Many child/ren will require the medics to continually keep that body alive at all costs so they can say, "Well, I did all I could," instead of focusing what was the right thing for the person lying in the bed. Putting the person lying on the bed first takes courage and selflessness.
For your comfort, I recommend you read books like "The Light Between Us" by Laura Lynne Jackson or watch Theresa Caputo known as on TV as "The Long Island Medium". (Both women are a certified medium through the Forever Family Foundation). The messages from loved ones are often comforting like, "I thank you for making the right decision."
Your did the right thing, and you did it the right way. Yours was not a rash, spontaneous decision to stop life support for your beloved Mother. You checked with all the experts, did your research, and made the right call. Good for you.
As difficult, horrible, and heart-wrenching as those last 45 minutes were, being there for your Mom's final transition was a blessing to you both. There is honor and beauty in that final time, in sharing those moments together.
My Mom and all my siblings were with Dad when he finally took his last breath a few weeks ago. I would not trade those difficult moments for anything in the word.
Hold your head high, Luke, and rest knowing your decision was the right one. And enjoy the memories of your Mother's life instead of the anquish of her death.