My mother has a laundry list of health challenges related to age, obesity and depression. She's also extremely stubborn and narrow-minded. She's prone to having major breakdowns and tantrums when things don't go her way.
I don't know how to approach her without hitting a wall. Does anyone have experience talking to, caring for, and otherwise engaging a parent who is so difficult? I don't know where to start or even how to gather my thoughts right now. How do I get involved with her medical care? How do I avoid enabling her? How do I not let frustration get the best of me?
We live on opposite coasts at this time. I'm expecting that I'll either move in with her or have her move to a home near me.
You don't
How do I avoid enabling her?
By not helping, Illusion of independence
How do I not let frustration get the best of me?
Don't get involved if she doesn't specifically ask for it
And don't move in with her or move her near you or you'll become her slave 24/7. The personality type you're describing would be awful to deal with in that situation.
It is not your responsibility to care for a stubborn woman that throws tantrums. Let her be the only victim of her bad decisions.
Is she asking for your assistance? Its HER job to make a plan for her old age.
Children are not a retirement plan.
I remember ages ago visiting my backside of her 90’s mom at the NH with my then in middle school son (maternal family is filled with later in life kids, my gran had her last at 46) as we drove off, kid sighs big time and looks hard at me and says “they never die in your family do they mom”, turns his head and sighs again. Right then I vowed to do whatever to not place him into being our “retirement plan”.
"Hey Mom, this came up with a friend's Mom (small therapeutic fib) if you got too old or sick to look after yourself, what's your plan?
Had some great replies in my lot: Spend my money on maids I suppose... Just put me in the nearest nursing home... The old 'shoot me'... I'll just move in with daughter & she can treat me like royalty, ha ha. The last one was shot down in flames by that designated daughter/subject! No that WON'T be happening 😂
The thing is. It's Mom's life. It's up to HER to make a plan (unless deemed medically & legally incompetent).
PS Ask her to get an idea of her thinking - not to promise to make it happen!
She is into control. Since so much about her she cannot control. She manipulates you. It’s a process. Step back. Verbalize your position. Ignore the ranting.
I found her on aginglifecare.org.
It wasn't inexpensive but neither were trips back and forth to handle various emergencies. Good luck!
If she will give you POA medical that authorizes you to be involved with her health care. If not, all you can do is communicate your concerns with her doctors but they cannot (HIPAA) share anything with you unless your mother oks it, and then you wait till her doctors deem her unable to live alone anymore.
It is easy to say put her in to a home near you but you cannot force an adult who is deemed competent to do anything. However, it might by wise to start looking around at suitable facilities so you are prepared when the time comes. If she has the financial resources to pay for care in a facility, that's great. If not you might want to get familiar with medicaid. At some point, as well as POA medical, she needs to assign a POA financial.
As has been said by others, waiting for the crisis that brings things to a head isn't easy, but sometimes it is the only route available to you. (((((hugs))))) Look after you.
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