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An elderly acquaintance, Anne, has a house guest who is a friend of the family (I'll call him Paul here). While living with Anne (he recently lost his home through divorce) is helping care for her in an unofficial way, she has quite severe arthritis. A friend of Anne's has found out that Paul has emotionally abused another elderly lady (with financial intent) and actually has evidence of this (she has seen a solicitor's letter warning him off). Anne is soon going into the hospital for an operation. Her family will stay with her for a while and then rely on Paul to help care for her. The friend does not know her family who live hundreds of miles away, but feels they should be in the picture as Anne will be especially vulnerable when she comes home, not very mobile and maybe suffer confusion after the anaesthetic. Anne knows of the emotional abuse that happened quite recently but wishes to ignore it. She has told her friend it is her business and her decision. She does not want to disrupt her relationship with Paul as she says he is enabling her to stay in her home. Should her friend tell her family about her concerns or not? She is unable to visit Anne at home herself to keep an eye on things as she is disabled. She feels in a moral dilemma.

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If Anne does not have a diagnosis of cognitive or memory impairment, then no one has any real power in this situation.

The most that can be done is that her family (or better yet, her PoA if she has one) is alerted. A background check could be done (at a fee) and given to the family/PoA. But they may not act, either. Hard evidence is helpful but may not sway her family to act.

If she has a PoA then this person (even if the PoA is not yet activated) should help Anne secure her sensitive personal and financial info, since this task may seem overwhelming to her. Not just because of the new housemate but because it is a smart practice in general.

Even if this person is living in her house rent-free, a written contract/rental agreement should be created. Once his mail starts coming there, it becomes his legal residence and to kick him out will require an eviction process. Contracts for rental/leasing templates can be found online.

If the house guest is an experienced financial predator, he'll know exactly what he is doing and will work quickly to do it. All any of Anne's friends can do is warn her and her family -- then step away. Call local APS if someone sees actual signs of abuse.
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BertieBanks Apr 2023
Thank you Geaton for much sound advice. Securing personal and sensitive material is a definite yes and something friends can help with and as you say, good practice anyway. From things we are hearing now Anne has some issues with her family. Her son, for example, hasn't been in touch for some time and she has always had an uneasy relationship with her daughter who has POA. We didn't know house guests could claim legal residence. Where can we look into this? Paul pays no rent, and Anne does not want to regularise his residence by any contract, assuming she can ask him to leave at any time as he is not officially a tenant. She assumed that only if he paid rent would there be a problem. He does contribute. He buys groceries, cat food and treats like nice wine and is a good cook: he generally makes the evening meal. This legal residence situation is something that needs to be looked into. Is it a time thing? How long can a family friend stay in someone's house without any "legal" situation occurring? Or is it a mail thing?
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Bertie,

It seems to me that Anne, this friend, is legally competent, am I correct?
And she is also informed completely by your friend of what she has discovered, with the evidence you mention?
And she still says that she is aware, and that she wishes this houseguest as you call him to care for her?
I honestly cannot see that the question of a "moral dilemma" is pertinent here, as there is nothing your friend can now do to protect your mutual friend, Anne, that I can see.

When we are still competent to make poor decisions then there is no way to stop our making poor decisions that I know of.

If this friend of yours, who is a friend of Anne's also, feels morally obligated to tell the family of this, then I doubt she will have any friendship remaining with Anne. And without any friendship with Anne she will be unable to monitor and visit and keep an eye on things in case APS or other authorities need calling in for a wellness check. As you mention the family is from out of the area and may not, themselves, be checking.

You are right. This is a BIG dilemma. Seems to me, having told Anne she may be in danger, the harder now that she pushes her friend the less access she may have to her. If this man is nefarious he may get her cut out completely.

I wish all good luck. This is a very very tough situation. When we are legally competent under the law we are competent to make poor decisions, and many do. I am so sorry.
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BertieBanks Apr 2023
As always AlvaDeer you immediately see to the heart of a problem and this is the dilemma my friend does feel she is confronted with. Yes, Anne is fully competent and forewarned with evidence. Her friend does not know the family and while wanting to honour Anne's decision for the sake of their friendship and continuing ability to look out for her (and knowing Anne's attachment to her home, garden, cats and the wildlife in her garden which mean a lot to her) she did accept my worry that the family may be horrified and upset not to be told, and that others might be at risk if he was allowed to go unchallenged. However, as Anne was asked by her family to give Paul a roof over his head while he got "settled", she also worries that they may even be aiding and abetting him! No-one knows. Remaining friends, and engaging other friends (who don't need to know the whole story) does seem a sensible and practical course of action. And Fawnby's idea to do an online background check seems to fit in well too - just to keep prepared. Thank you so much for your response and good wishes.
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Her family should be informed immediately. They could do an online background check on Paul. This may or may not turn up anything of concern, but if it does, they’ll have ammunition to get rid of him.

Who will take care of her after they leave? They can hire someone.

If Anne is fleeced, her heirs would be also.

A true friend would take action in this potentially serious situation.
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BertieBanks Apr 2023
Thank you Fawnby. This is the advice I have given her. I have also said that if she is fleeced now there might not be money enough left for her proper care later should it be needed: Paul might well do a runner when it suits him. I am going to show the friend the advice given here - that is my reason for posting. I have much respected the sound advice given in reply to my own questions on the Forum by kind, sensible and experienced people, so I am sure that reading the replies here will be convincing.
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It gobsmacks me the emotional value elders attach to staying in their Own Home Until Death, knowing that its monetary value is being flushed down the toilet for 100 different reasons. One of which is being swindled by a con man who's "allowing" a sick woman to recover at home while he bleeds her dry! She knows this, yet is ok being fleeced, is what you're saying.....then asking if the friend should tell the family of their concerns.

Uh, yes, they should. Then get this elder tested for dementia bc she's not acting in a lucid manner at all.
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BertieBanks Apr 2023
Thank you lealonnie1. Anne doesn't have dementia. She has had all your points put to her and says she is making a rational decision. That being fleeced in the familiarity and comfort of her own home is preferable to being fleeced by a nursing home. Should things not work out for her, she says, she can always change her mind. She is grateful for her friend's concerns (and says it makes her feel she is not isolated and therefore won't be subject to neglect or physical abuse as her friends will check her out) but she has told her friend her family is her own business and please keep out of that territory.
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