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My disabled (MS) mother lives with us (husband and 2 kids). She tends to be loud, opinionated and doesn't know when to not say something about something that she disagrees with. When my stepfather passed away (4 years), we used a portion of his life insurance $ to put $ down on a larger house so that she could move in with us. To say that things are not going well would be an understatement.
My husband has a lot of animosity built up over the last 4 years towards her and mostly the things she says. Not to mention the fact that he is disabled and home with her all day. He wants her to leave, but what can we do?? She has been disabled since I was young, doesn't drive and only has SS for income. She is still mostly independent, but needs help occasionally. He's already mentioned that he will move out if things don't change soon and I just feel stuck without a way out.

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Sell the house. Give her her share. Help her get into senior housing for elderly and disabled. You and hubby go back to living as a family again. She doesn't have to like it, but list it today.
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lealonnie1 Jan 2022
Exactly.
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You made a mistake, in hindsight, based on trying to do the right thing for mother. It's not working out, so tell her the truth. Blame DH if need be. Sell the house, return the $50k to mom (if thats what she gave you) and help her get set up in AL. Then buy a smaller home for you and DH and start over, just the 2 of you. Do it now before more resentment builds up and destroys relationships permanently.

Good luck!
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Cover99 Jan 2022
In other words, kick mom out and send her to AL?
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So your mom has had a caregiver family for four years for $50K. Not a bad deal for her on the surface.

Our emotional opinions don’t matter on the disbursement of the funds. I suspect you have earned the $50K. But that won’t matter either in the final analysis.

What does matter is going forward now to continue to provide mom with care and get your family life back on track.

Since the co-mingling of funds can have an affect on your moms future and the title to your house, you do need to seek the help of a qualified, certified, elder law attorney to make sure you don’t muddy the waters more with another well meaning but not clearly thought out decision. Such an attorney is expensive but very necessary. Do your research, make some phone calls and gather all the paperwork they will request. They need to know all the details in order to help you and mom. If the attorney has a real estate attorney associate that would be helpful too.

Even if you work things out so that mom remains in the home, you need to know now the legal ramifications of your actions.

Please don’t make the mistake of seeing a gallbladder doctor when you need heart surgery. Make sure the attorney you see is well versed in Medicaid law for your state.

Also check with your Area Agency on Aging to see if mom can qualify for respite. Maybe mom could use some therapy.

If she won’t cooperate then you need to know that as well. Further legal action might be necessary. You obviously care about your mom or you would not have taken the steps you did but you have to protect your family. These times we are living in are stressful for everyone, time to regroup for the benefit of all… good luck.
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Sarah3 Jan 2022
she said her mother is independent for the most part and only needs occasional help which doesn’t sound like caregiving
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Your profile doesn't mention how old she is or whether you are her PoA or guardian. Is her name on the deed to house? Is she on SSDDI?

Nonetheless your spouse and family take priority and it seems your marriage is in crisis. It may actually be better for your mom to live somewhere where she has more social exposure and opportunities for activities and events. You say she's mostly independent, so then what are you worried about? That wanting privacy is "unloving" to her? If she ever hinted at this it would be selfish and manipulative. All the more reason to move her out.

Reassure her that you and your husband will help her every step of the way so that she isn't overwhelmed (and it guarantees it gets done). Many adult children go into a roommate arrangement with parents grossly underestimating what it usually devolves into. You aren't the first, you won't be the last.

If her name is on the deed, then maybe you all need to go to an elder law/estate planning attorney or Medicaid Planner to make sure you don't do anything you'll be sorry about later. Wishing you much courage, clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you work through this change for the better.
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Sarah3 Jan 2022
Op didn’t say so we don’t know but since it was her money that made the purchase of this house possible her name should be on the deed
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If hubby wants her out after using some of her money for a larger house, then you both may need to decide on a house you can afford after you reimburse mom for what she kicked in on the deal. She will need money to go to assisted living or small apartment to live alone. You will be looking for a place that has shopping quite close or facility with shuttles. Taxi and ubering could cover doctor appts or other errands that you can't manage for her. Her husband's money (your stepfather) should go toward her care. Is hubby ready to downsize and reimburse her the money she put in the bigger house?

Doubtful you'll be able to change her opinionated personality, but maybe talk to her that it comes across a little to strong. Maybe find something for both of them to do during the day instead of being in each other's way. They may be disabled, but many disabled people can hold some kind of job. Part time, etc would give them a different daily view.
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Please start looking into assisted living options for your mother. Your primary allegiance should be your husband. Helping your mom can be as simple as making sure she is cared for by others and visiting her as frequently as your family can manage.

While at it, look for all the resources in your location for your husband. You may not realize it but he needs assistance as well as your mother.
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Sarah3 Jan 2022
You need to keep in mind the part the op used her moms deceased spouses insurance money ( which would be her mothers money) to buy this current house?
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Your Mother gave you $50,000 in good faith. She trusted that you would take care of her in a larger house permanently. After carefully thinking it over, you and your husband made the decision to sell your existing home, and use her 50K to assist you with the down payment - in order to house all of you comfortably together in a larger home.

If you can't do it - then you can't do it. Lord knows, you're not a servant. No one can force you to care for her. Things don't always work out the way they are planned. You tried - and it didn't work.

If she's on the Deed to the property - then that's another issue. You'd need to reason with her and explain the necessity to sell, or see an Attorney to file a partition lawsuit - which will not be cheap.
Or refinance the house and buy her out.

If she's not on the Deed, then you could sell the property and refund her 50K along with a fair division of any profits she earned as a co-owner. Or, refinance and give her the money back.

This is not going to be easy. Since you said the 50K was portion of the insurance - then hopefully there's more for her to fall back on in a CD or investments, perhaps? At least she has SS coming in.
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Sell the house, give mom her portion back and have her move into an assisted living. Don't trash your marriage because of her.

Some parents look at their kids like old age insurance and have expectations that exceeds the norm.

No, let mom go. You are not her servant.
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Sarah3 Jan 2022
I agree 100% that her marriage needs to be protected, and set as priority I think she said her husband is also disabled so he needs a space free of hostility for his health as well.

One thing I would want to consider is she said they used her stepdads insurance money which would have been for her mom, on this house. That’s something to really consider as it was much of the moms money that paid for this house. It wasn’t their house they paid for already and then had her move in. Before considering uprooting everyone they should at least try some counseling sessions first for mediation and making an agreement, meeting again w the counselor to reevaluate then if it’s still not working figure out about the house
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Too much of a good thing is just that, too much!

Both your husband and mom need activities that separate them on a regular basis.

Both of them need things that engage them, make them have to interact with others and burn energy.

Both of them need to grow up.

Whenever something is said that is not okay, it needs to be dealt with right then, every single time.

Mom, we don't say unkind things to each other.

Husband, life is hard, harder for disabled people then most but, we don't use emotional threats to make it better.

It sounds like you will have to be the adult and act with authority to get things sorted out. Like finding day programs for both of them. Do alternate days so each can have some home time, alone. No isn't an option for either one.

My brother had 5 kids and they spent a lot of time at my house, when they didn't have enough to keep them active, productive and engaged, they picked at one another for entertainment. This very much sounds like what is happening with mom and husband.

I used to tell them, because, as you well know, I was being dragged into it, one or another running to tell Auntie what was happening, that I was changing my name to sh!t and slapping the 1st one that cussed. It actually got their attention. Maybe you could try something similar.

If you can't find a solution and need mom to move, she owns a percentage of the house. It's not as simple as giving her the money back. Whatever percentage of the original purchase price her down payment paid for is her equity in the home. You may owe her more then she invested.

You say she only needs occasional help with some things, so you won't be able to say it was for caregiving services.

You can't keep the money and put her into a Medicaid facility, that is wrong in every imaginable situation. Not to mention that Medicaid only pays for certain facilities and your mom would need to qualify medically as well as financially.

You both made a choice and it needs to be dealth with honestly and fairly for ALL involved.
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This is confusing as you said she is “mostly independent” and then also said you used her insurance money to buy this larger house bc she couldn’t live on her own. If she’s mostly independent that is very different than not being able to live on her own (?) could you clarify that is two opposite descriptions
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