Our mom passed away several months ago after being sick for several months. I have 3 siblings, 2 of us never left her side at my home while the other 2 waited to show up late in the evening and instead of actually helping, started arguments, tried bossing everyone around, and trying to force feed mom while she was actively dying. I had mom's financial & Medical Guardianship and in hindsight wish I had stopped their visits, but I wanted her to have all 4 of us at her side.
All 4 of us are married, we all have good paying careers and can afford to help pay for our mom's funeral, headstone, and any other expenses she may have had.
Two siblings would not help pay for mom's funeral, yet they wanted to dictate who would officiate, flowers, photos to use, time & location, and so forth. The 2 of of who did pay allowed them to help, but not make changes, which they tried over & over.
Now it is time to have mom's headstone installed. Once again, the other 2 siblings did not pay a penny, yet they expect to know all the details. They want to know what we paid for it, what the design is, the day & time of installation so they can attend.
This is more than money, as we all 4 stopped speaking because of their volatile behavior, their refusal to help us with caregiving-but would visit unannounced late in the evening with 6 or 7 other people like it was all you could eat wings, and their refusal to acknowledge our mom as a human being with feelings and rights. We still don't speak, which I never thought could happen because we were always close and had never fallen out before.
I don't think we should bend to them anymore. Mom didn't have an estate to reimburse my sibling & me, so am I right in that it is none of their business what we spend our own money on?
Then notifying them of the day & time of her headstone installation. There is so much hostility & animosity right now, everything is still so fresh & raw, emotions are still hot & high. Are we wrong if we notify them after we leave the cemetery or the next day? I would like this to be a peaceful day and a time to celebrate our mom, not a stressful day filled with arguments & anger.
We had an absolutely beautiful day together and her stone turned out perfect...it is gorgeous and represents mom's life beautifully! She was such a kind, loving, thoughtful, generous woman, we felt her presence the entire day. It was truly a very special day.
We decided not to invite them to avoid arguments, we just wanted a peaceful day with our families to set mom's monument. After providing care for her in the hospital, following her wishes and bringing her to our home for Hospice Care and not leaving her side for a minute after we brought her home, all the while enduring their snarky remarks, refusal to help, accusations that we were killing mom with Hospice, deciding to fight me for my Guardianship of our mom, refusal to help pay her funeral expenses or headstone costs, we just felt it best to keep everything status quo...that being us keeping our distance from their toxic behavior & words. We are healing together & count on one another daily.
They tell anyone who will listen that we "killed her" and we "starved her to death" because she refused food....even tho we all know that is very common in the dying process. We kept her favorite foods & drinks, we offered her food non-stop, she seldom wanted to accept it. We would not, and did not force her to eat (they would), then they would leave & we would be with her when she would be in immense pain, projectile vomiting, writhing stomach pain, horrible diarrhea, nauseous, etc. They knew this was happening, but I guess thought it was comical that we had to deal with cleaning so many messes, they failed to think of the pain & horrible discomfort it caused our mom though.
Sorry to get off track. Everything went perfect that day. We know she was pleased. It brought us so much comfort & relief to have her stone placed!
I don't do well with confrontations and stress. I really have no idea why our other 2 siblings have refused to help with any of our mom's expenses. I could understand if they couldn't afford to or if they were estranged from her, in which case we wouldn't even ask, but they can afford it and they did have close relationships with her. Regardless, I needed extra confirmation from others who understand where I'm coming from as this is a situation I never thought we would be in.
I believe they are holding on to anger that our mom came home with Hospice to die peacefully instead of continuing to suffer and have zero quality of life, just for the sake of being "alive."
While they refused to help my sibling & me with any of mom's caregiving, they sure had lots of criticism to dole out the entire time. I will never understand that. I had hoped the 4 of us could relieve eachother to allow someone to be by mom while the others could rest, bathe, cook, shop for groceries, take a walk, visit family. But all they offered was criticism to us and mom's doctors & nurses, starting terrible arguments, and waiting until late in the evening to visit unannounced with at least 6 or 7 others, when we were exhausted & trying to settle down for the night.
We are just ready to call it a loss with our siblings. My heart is broken, I've buried my mom and lost 2 of my siblings. I think for our own peace of mind we have to be done with them. I didn't realize how prevalent this type of thing was.
I can't imagine how much worse it would be if mom had left money behind! I shudder at the thought of that!
Prayers to all of you caring for your loved ones, facing animosity, facing obstacles, and going about your day.
It honestly takes a lot of moxy to be asking what something costs when you are not contributing and have no intention of doing so. I can understand wanting to have a say in the "look " or in the inscriptions of a stone of a loved one if you were all very close, but this sounds truly out of bounds. Just tell them you are grieving and don't honestly want any discussion with them at this time. Just make it clear you aren't open to it.
We paid for it and we didn’t want to make “Atheist” “uncomfortable” (or make us uncomfortable either).
The Mass was just immediate family, and beautiful.
No, you don’t have to notify your siblings about anything.
Not about the design, not about the costs, not even about the date of the installation and any ceremony if you have it.
Install the headstone and let them find out by themselves when and if they visit your Mom’s grave.
You are a good child to your mother.
No-one needs all that extra stress at an already emotional time like this.
I know some people get anxious.. Their endless desire to control everything & know all the details is their go-to to self-manage. Are the siblings like that? Or maybe it's a power display?
Regardless of reason, other people (yes, siblings too) have every right to reduce contact if this behaviour causes them stress or discomfort.
Reminds me of the fable, the Little Red Hen. None of the Hen's friends helped her collect the ingrediants or bake the bread.
Therefore, no bread for them.
PS Maybe for these nit pickers, you could keep it broad:
The cost was under X dollars.
The headstone is expected to be installed by middle of X month.
Like 'grey rock lite' communication style. Never disclose what will be twisted up & used as metalware against you.
I am sorry for your loss, may The Lord give you strength, courage and wisdom during this difficult time. May HE give you grieving mercies and peace.
You can do this under the cover of broad daylight and fear no repercussions because if they didn't help at any point in any way, they have shown their true colors.
(Kinda reminds me of the story of the Little Hen who could--she did all the work towards making the bread, but didn't share it with those who didn't help.)
Good Luck--I'm sure this will not help create warm fuzzy feelings.
Let them figure it out for themselves. In my family, it always was done at the cemetery’s convenience, and no family member was ever there that I know of. There’s not much point in making it a big deal. By that time, everyone is exhausted and ready to quit anyway. And whether family is there or not, the deceased isn’t.
If there was an estate and a Will, the cost of the funeral and the stone would be listed in the final accting.