I ask this question with great need of direction. I moved in with both my elderly parents after my divorce. My mother was diagnosed with COPD and I became her primary caregiver as well as my father's confidant. I work full time and worked around my mother's needs. After her death, my father had a stroke. I retired my position from work to help him recover in the safety of his home. Both my sisters only participated in the decisions of care when hospitalizations were required. They both insisted that dad go to an assisted living so that they could continue his therapy and care. After a month in the hospital, dad wanted to come home. I let my sister's know of his wants and they rejected stating that he needed the care and he has the money. I felt it was my job to do what dad wanted. I took him home and my sisters would not help because of it. They also blamed me when dad was not advancing like he should. He soon fell and broke his bones and again was hospitalized then followed up with rehabilitation center for 1 month. When it was time for out of pocket expense, dad wanted to come home. At that time, I found full time work and needed other committed people to help dad achieve this goal. My sisters again wanted him in a facility telling him that they did not need his money and that he was to spend his savings. I had my support and a care plan in progress. We built him a ramp and took him home. He needed 24 hour care. I planned on staying home, but requested to be paid. My sisters objected to this request wanting again assistant living. Dad said no. He was willing to pay me. My sisters feel that I am not involving them when it comes to big decisions. Through out the years, I had little contact with them and they only invited my parents to family events. Now I am called the employee and that I should have a list of my duties and what I am not to do. The POA is my little sister, and through our dad's care (and some of mom's when she was alive) does not agree with my plan. So, I am afraid that if dad does not change the POA to my authority then he has a high chance of beong placed in a home. When this was shared with my sister, she started yelling and accusing dad of changing the will. She was crying over an hour and dad finally told her he will not change the will. Even though she does not offer financial help, emotional support, nor any care for dad, she feels entitled to being the POA. She does not have dad's best interest in mind, and finds fault with everything I do. I am worried that she will abuse her power, and put her own feelings first. It will be difficult to be the primary caregiver with a toxic sister as the POA. I am constantly working full time and taking care of dad when I am not working. I have become resentful of my sisters and feel that they are always looking for something that I am doing wrong. I do not get compliments or positive reinforcment. I feel I am constantly defending myself with the decisions that dad makes. They both want to be put on the bank accounts to keep track of dad's money. I am not even on them nor have I requested to be. I feel I am not trusted and that they put a bug in dad's ear. Dad has not requested for a change of the will. At this point I am burnt out. The POA has given me disrespect and our relationship has turned toxic. She now spends her energy trying to prove that I am neglecting dads needs or taking advantage of him. I am not worried because there is nothing there. I do not know what to do at this point. Do I stay home to take full-time care of him and demand he changes his POA? Or do I continue to work full-time and go home?
Also be aware, if you succeed in getting Dad to assign you, it may mean an estrangement from your siblings.
Yes, if you continue to care for Dad then you should hold both financial POA and Medical POA/Advance directive because you are the Caregiver. If Dad is competent explain to him why you should have POA. If he agrees and he is competent to make informed decisions, then take him to the lawyer, if possible, who drew up the original and revolk sisters and assign you. Since Dad has already had a stroke, I would ask that the POA be immediate otherwise you have to have one or two Doctors declare Dad incompetent before the POA is in effect. With immediate, its in effect when Dad signs it. Have lawyer right a letter to sister making her aware of the change.
You need to also explain to sister that being assigned POA does not give anyone the right to change existing Wills or beneficiaries. Its a tool not a power. Also explain, upon Dads passing, POA ends and the Executor of the Will takes over.
If Dad wants to pay you for your Caregiving, that needs to be stipulated in the POA and the amount maybe working in 3% a year increase for cost of living. If he wants to pay you for the time spent as POA, he can do that too but it needs to be in writing in case he ever needs Medicaid.
Coming home too soon might have been at least of the reason he soon fell and broke his bones?
How much are you paid now as an employee to take care of your father? Is it market rate? Are taxes taken out?
"I work full-time, and I give dad another full-time for his care: burnt out. I have 2 siblings who have limited contact with help. I am a mother of three beautiful children who are living adult lives. I can't wait for grandchildren."
- you are already burnt out
- if you are his sole 24/7 caregiver when do you think you'll have time to spend with any future grandchildren or will be able to "be there" for your own children?
Have either you or he visited a good, reputable care community lately? My MIL is in a lovely place and gets great care, and she is on Medicaid. Keeping Dad at home means you're his only source of social interaction: he's basically cloistered. My MIL's facility takes residents out on field trips and hosts visiting musicians, pets and speakers, has daily activities and exercise classes, puts on concerts, etc. Your Dad would be more independent and you'd have your life back, and you could visit him as much as you wished, plus there'd hopefully be more family harmony.
Your sisters are under no moral or ethical obligation to provide his hands-on care themselves. I can't speak to the Will/inheritance thing since I'm an only child so can't relate. I wish you much clarity and wisdom and peace in your heart as you work towards a unified decision.
It sounds from what you’ve said, as though your younger sister may, FROM HER PERSPECTIVE, have your father’s interests at heart, just as from YOUR PERSPECTIVE, you do as well.
The split among the three of you is in and of itself, an intense stress for the three of you AND FOR YOUR FATHER.
Because of your father’s many needs, he may well be served in a residential care setting, whether he wants to be there or not. He may be attempting to “save the inheritance” at the expense of his own welfare.
Will it make your father’s life better or more comfortable if you “demand” what you want? If your sisters become alienated from him, how will that help him to be more contented.
There are situations in geriatric care that have no good solutions and no happy endings.
You are offended by being considered “the employee”, but that was the arrangement you’d wanted. You are burnt out, your sisters thought your father would do better in residential care, you listened to your father’s request without really resolving the question of whether he’d be best served at home, or his reasons for his own request, and you’ve
None of you, not even your father, seem to be looking at the whole situation with fully objective eyes.
Would an impartial mediator be a any possibility?