Does anyone else fear a parent dying in their home?
I know death is part of life. Sometimes I think about mom dying in my home.
I have recently toured assisted living facilities in my area for mom. All were nice and I asked many questions.
It was also explained to me that hospice will be available for her when the time comes for her to die.
I asked about most people’s experiences, if it was easier to lose a person at home or while in assisted living? The response was for the majority of people it was easier if a parent died at a facility rather than in our homes. When I asked why, I was told, the memories, even about some seeing ghosts, selling house, etc.
Anyone else feel uneasy about a parent dying while living in their home? My mom’s bedroom is right next to mine, used to be my daughters bedroom.
Also, has anyone had dreams about a loved one dying? My cousin had a dream her mom died the night before she died.
Anyone heard any near death experience stories from loved ones?
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There's never been anyone who loved anyone on this planet, more than the way my grandmother loved me and I her. And, if she never came to me in ghost form, then, it's not possible, because, she would have. Of course, maybe, she thought it would scare me. lol That's how I reason it in my mind. Others may have different experiences.
I did have a premonition of my great aunt dying. I had an intense desire to go visit her on Thursday, instead of Friday. She was stable. Good thing I acted on my intense feeling and visited with her, took her flowers, because, she died that night.
Thanks for responding. Your answer helps. I’m so glad you acted on your premonition and saw your aunt. Such a sweet story. I adored my grandma as well. She was so special to me.
Yeah, on my mind too. Thanks for listening to me. Our minds wander in so many directions when we become caregivers.
Yeah, it’s something to think about. It’s just fear of the unknown or something.
My uncle and sister died at home - in their own beds with hospice after battles with cancer. I was in the next room when my uncle died and in the room with my sister. Both went into comas in the hours before death and died very peacefully. I thought this was easier than a death in a hospital environment like Grandma because extended family members were in the house taking care of practical matters and available to offer comfort, during the death watch, the actual death, and the removal of the body by the funeral home. I was never bothered in any way entering those homes after the deaths. I had wonderful memories of those people in those homes before the deaths and the deaths did nothing to change those feelings. I took great comfort in the thought that they were both beyond pain and happy in heaven.
My father died over the weekend in the hospital after spending 3 years in MC. His hospitalization was to re-balance his medications. Although he had been doing well at the MC, his vascular dementia driven anxiety went through the roof at the hospital: he wouldn't cooperate with the nursing staff, demanded unlimited water when the doctors restricted fluid intake in an effort to clear his lungs, refused to take the ice chips he could have, gave several family members and staff good a cussing for not bringing the salt laden foods he wanted, etc. Finally he worked himself up enough to stroke out and quickly pass on. Dad has been at high risk of a major stoke or another heart attack for several years. This wasn't unexpected but I was surprised at how quickly he went from doing well to very serious heart failure. It was slower with my grandparents.
For me personally, having been present for a couple of at home deaths and a couple of hospital deaths, I would chose the in home death if at all possible.
That is such a beautiful way to see it. Thanks. Just trying to find peace with it, should it happen.
Mum considered it, but realized that 21 hours a day she would have been responsible for all his care. Although Mum is a fit 84, there is no way she could manage that.
So it was not a fear of him dying at home, but the amount of work she would be faced with that kept him in hospital.
We were both with him when he died. It was a peaceful death. Not scary or upsetting, he just stopped breathing.
A friend’s Dad died at home, she had young children. The kids were ok and got to say goodbye to him in his own bed when he was warm.
I think your feelings are valid.
As a kid, I would have been terrified. I was afraid of wakes and funerals as a kid. I always had nightmares because my great aunt told me the deceased person was sleeping. I thought if I went to bed I would end up in a wooden box and then be thrown in a hole.
Once I even had a dream of being at my own wake. I was above my body. I saw everyone crying and I was screaming to them not to cry but they couldn’t hear me. I never forgot that dream.
And I can't imagine asking anyone to use the bed where my mother died in what is now the guest bedroom. Of course I could buy a new bed, but not everyone can afford to do that.
Yeah, guess we can’t help but think of these things.
He was released from a 1 week stay in hospital to our home on Hospice, and died peacefully in our home after 9 grueling weeks of care by my husband and myself, plus the wonderful Hospice care team.
In the 1 year since his death, I had never gotten comfortable entering his bedroom where he died, and while we had intended on turning it into a beautiful guest bedroom, with all new furniture even, it ultimately turned into a storage room due to my being uncomfortable entering his death room.
We have just sold our home of 24 years (on Feb 7th 2019), not only because of his dying there (just over a year ago), but also because those 13 years were a constant reminder of us being tethered to the home in care of him in his older and declining years (he was 87 when he passed) plus my depression and grieving process which followed his passing, but we also had decided that the time was right (plus the current market and increased home value) to downsize and we will buy a Condo, when just the perfect one comes on the market, so many reasons why we chose this time to sell up.
I can definately see why it would bother someone, although I never personally felt any Negative pressence (spirit) of him afterwards, but I did for quite awhile have a gnawing feeling that he was still in the bedroom, it was almost like he was still there alive and I was afraid to check, but that feeling did pass after a couple of months, however it has only been these last 3 weeks that we have been out of the house now and staying in my sister's MIL apartment, that I feel an absolutely freeing feeling for the first time in my life (I had my 1st child at only 20, he is 38 now), partly of which I am sure is Zero responsibility, Zero debt, no house to care for and keep up, all of that money sitting in the bank, and absolutely no connection to the feeling in the old house too. It is a very freeing feeling after being tethered to a home, raising 4 kids, caring for our elders for so so long (all 4 have passed away now), and now it is just the 2 of us, and the possibilities are endless! I reccomend it!
That is what I have heard from others. That they end up selling a home.
I wonder if potential buyers ask if a person died in a home. Are real estate agents required to tell?
We built our home. So I never dealt with that.
My grandfather died at home in the main bedroom and grandmother stayed there until she died. He died a few years before I was born. As a kid, I always felt something was “off” when I was in that room. Nothing happened, just a different vibe than the rest of the house. And I didn’t know he had died in that room until I was older!
That’s interesting that you sensed it. Thanks for sharing. I did talk to a priest once. He also happens to be an exorcist. I trust him. He said that God sometimes allows a spirit to resolve issues that they need to address. Unfinished business, so to speak. Do you believe that is possible?
Two years ago, when my mom was very very sick and we thought she was close to death, she kept saying she saw my late father come to visit her everyday. One night, I was standing at her bedside as she was laying in bed, she then pointed to the foot of her bed and told me that my late father was standing there looking at her. I looked where she was pointing and saw nothing, so I told her there was no one there, but she insisted.
Then a moment later, I saw my dad in the mirror walking/floating out of the room through the window. OMG. I just froze. I think he showed himself to me just to let me know that I was wrong. That experience scared me for days. Eventually, my mom regained her strength and she never mentioned seeing my late father again.
Wow! I don’t know what I would do if I saw a spirit. I think your mom did see him. Too many stories like that. Even from credible people and hospice nurses tell wonderful stories of what patients have told them.
Incidently, the Hospice team looking out for my Mom in my sisters home for 5 months, reccomended a move to the Hospice Hospital for the final 10 days of my Mothers life, due to the subtle changes that they noticed in her mental status, her severe pain, and becauae they felt it best for my sister and her young Grandchildren, not be traumatized by her imminant death in my sisters home. It was a brilliant move and insight on their part. The Hospice Hospital was a gorgeous facility, and my Mom was never alone, as there was always at least one of her 6 children there with her at all times. In the end, all 6 of us were there with her, all with our hands on her during her final moments on earth, it was a peaceful and a beautiful thing.
What a beautiful thought, your mom feeling your father. Thanks, I do believe my dad is waiting for my mom.
But here is the thing that prehaps people don't realize is just because someone dies in a house or wherever doesn't mean that their soul will stay there. I never felt my grandmother or anything weird. My mother said it was because my grandmother probably went where her twin sister was. Who knows really where she went. I just never felt or seen anything when it came to her, and as far as my dad, I only feel him time to time.
As far as the memory of my dad's death has faded with all the good memories I have of him and that is what I focus on "his life" not his death!
"There is nothing to fear but fear it's self."
Sometimes when we are sleeping we tap into something else and/or we may have a visit of a LO or a friend who passed on to show us something that we need to see, a message, or something we need to do or not do. I personally thank God for the "inside message" which I believe is what your cousin had. Most people will have an experience of such thing at one point in their lives whether it is through a dream, vision, smell, feeling, and/or seeing a spirit.
If your mom passes away in the house and you feel uncomfortable you can burn white candles in each room for one night and burn sage walking room to room this will clean the energy in your home.
Just my 2 cents!
Thanks for sharing your experiences.
I’ve never tried sage or candles. Have you?
I’m just not sure how I will feel if she dies in the house but I do find your answer calming. Thanks again.
There were parts of that speech that I desperately tried to forget or block out. Never have. As they say, too much information. I remember the teacher screaming at us to shut up and let him deliver his speech. All the girls in the class were screaming for him to stop his speech. Teacher said we were disrespectful and noted that he listened to our speeches. I wonder if we bored him with ours. His was a very original topic! The teacher loved it!
I know of two people who bought homes in which someone had committed suicide. They did not know the people who had died.
My Granny bought one of them. The house had been on the market for a very long time after the death and was sold at a discount by the estate. Part of the reason it took so long to sell is that the family had not wanted to spend the money to have the carpet properly replaced, so they cut out a large rectangle and had a similar but not the same patch put in. It drew attention to what had happened. My Granny did not care, and she had the whole carpet replaced before she moved in.
There were never any bad feelings or vibes in the house.
The second was bought by a good friend of mine. She was renting in one side of a duplex and her neighbour on the other side killed himself. She too saved about $35k on the home. She happily raised her 5 kids there. No bad vibes there either.
I do believe some people are more attuned and sensitive to death and those whom have passed.
That’s interesting how it didn’t phase your granny or your friend. I kind of envy that ‘matter of fact’ attitude. I guess I watched too many scary movies as a kid!
At the other extreme from the aristocracy, the traditional Aboriginal approach was to burn down the building after a death. The aged care facility on the particular ex-mission I am most familiar with, sent an ambulance to the closest hospital at the very end, to avoid the problem. The occupant often was found dead on arrival. It helped to avoid funding problems.
I’ve ‘seen’ my mother twice, both times in a mirror and both times when I was ill and over-tired. The flesh sank from my bones and my mother’s face looked back at me. I said ‘hello Mum’ and thanked her for coming to look after me. They are good memories for me.
Wow, great info! I get creeped out with open casket funerals too. My MIL did not want open casket, nor my dad. I was shocked when people came and complained that the casket wasn’t open for them to see them.
If your Loved One is not on Hospice you could ask for an evaluation to determine if they are eligible. Simple phone call and a visit from Hospice will answer your questions.
What if they don’t want to go? Do they allow them to refuse?
To me death is not something to fear for either myself or my loved ones. Early death, or painful death, yes that is incredibly hard. But if you are born, you will die and I don't think that is bad. And to be able to die in familiar surroundings I think would be very comforting and for me that is what I would wish for myself or a family member.
What about someone who just can’t be there at the end? I was the last person that was with my oldest brother. My younger brother said he felt that was the day he would die so he stayed away on purpose. He said he just couldn’t handle it.
What would you say if someone says, I can’t watch you die? Sad, huh?
I get it! I have had the feeling that your husband has. Finding her unexpectedly. That can be a shock. Happened to my cousin. He saw his wife sitting in her favorite chair and noticed that she didn't look right. He asked her how she was feeling and she told him that she wanted to rest for a bit because she was feeling tired.
She was born with a heart issue and I think had a premonition that she would die young because she had taken out a large insurance policy on herself to help care for their three children. She was taking a short nap before cooking dinner. He left the room to tend to one of the children. He came back into the room to tell her something and she was gone, just that quick. She was in her 40's. My cousin was in shock for quite awhile after her passing. So unexpected for him. She was very active, was a nurse at the hospital, had three adorable kids and took good care of herself. She hardly ever spoke about her heart problem. I think she had accepted the possibility of an early death but he didn't think it would happen. Her death was so sad.
We owned the home together, although I didn't live in it full time until the last weeks of her life. Like others have said, I had trouble entering what had been her bedroom and her bathroom. I didn't want to disturb her stuff or invade her privacy, even after her death. Eventually, I had to do it though. Not only am I the homeowner but I'm also the administrator of her estate. Finally I invited friends to stay with me for a while, and I had to clear out my mother's bathroom, nightstand, closet, etc to make room, and to remove her personal items from anyone else's view.
I was here in the house when my mother died and while she was dying, and it was very hard. Hard to be responsible for her care and her comfort. Emotionally wrenching and physically exhausting. I have bad memories and good memories of that time. However, I am glad we didn't place her in a hospice facility. She wanted to be at home, and I wanted to take care of her hands-on, not see her for an hour or so per day while other people attended to her care.
I'm not uncomfortable being here. I have my mother's ashes in a polished wooden box in my bedroom, displayed on the top shelf of my bookcase. She still has a place here, and an influence. I'm sort of comforted by that. It's been a long process, but if I were to sell my mother's house, it won't be because she died in it.
I really enjoyed reading your post. We are all different, aren't we? Everyone has a unique experience to share and I appreciate that. I am not sure exactly how I feel but I truly respect everyone's right to feel as they do. I like that each of us has our own opinion. I like independent thinkers not swayed by others. I like that we are able to learn from each other and still remain true to ourselves. Thanks.
But that changed with my current house. It's an old log house and dates back to the early 1900s. The icon for this home died in hospital, but one day when I was concentrating on her as I "stirred" with a very old spoon I'd just found--worn to a point from decades of her cooking and stirring--and she appeared!
She "stood" behind me with her right arm over mine, which is what I saw up close and personal. I can still see the little old woman's hand and the red cotton sleeve dotted with tiny white flowers. Then she disappeared. I was shocked and scared because it was so unexpected, but I was so honored that this icon who I admired appeared to me, I just wept. Took me years before I could tell that story and not be a weepy mess. Even now I have to wipe tears.
But after that I'm not afraid of a spirit.
After that experience I got a phone call from a woman wanting to stay in my place (it's a B&B) and she only goes to places that are haunted and wanted to know if my place was haunted. I said, "no." I was actually offended, because I had learned the difference between "haunting" (a negative) and a kind spirit (a positive) who didn't deserve to be treated as a callous spectacle. I'm no longer concerned.
When Mom died last year, I wasn't concerned about her passing in her home. If her spirit is there, it's a benevolent and kindly spirit.
What a beautiful experience. A log cabin, huh? Nice. I have a friend who owns a log cabin. I haven't seen her in ages. I always enjoyed visiting her. I loved her place.
I never get to visit with friends anymore due to caring for mom but your story of your home just brought back wonderful memories. She had many acres of land and one of my favorite things that we did together were watching hawks fly overhead. So peaceful. She had a goat named, Spanky. He was so cute. She had beautiful horses and a dog and cat.
I remember being in a house with an aunt that I could intuit was near death. I remember staying up all night listening to her tortured breathing. I felt quite afraid she was going to die on my watch, but no one else seemed too worried. I knew there were people on the way out to visit and I really wanted her to hang on. She ended up being able to visit her with family for the last time and died a few weeks later. But I do remember feeling quite worried about the whole thing. Maybe it had to do with the unfinished business she felt she had.
I think if someone has led a good life and is ready to leave earth on peaceful terms, it would still be sad but also a beautiful thing to be present at their passing. I've
been at people's bedside when they weren't ready to go and it was hard to know the right thing to say or do. I imagine it would be different when someone is truly ready.
I agree. If they are ready it makes a big difference. It really does. I feel my mom is ready whenever her time comes. Sometimes I think she wonders what is taking God so long to take her home to be with my dad.
Overall I did adapt to his death and live on. I'm still alive and breathing, so there's really no choice. Except now my mom has end-stage Alzheimer's disease and near 90. When she dies I will feel destroyed. My life has been so wrapped up in hers because she is 24-hour-a day care, I lost my own sense of being. However, this brings a new perception about life that I am less fearful of death. When she dies I will be devastated..but still alive so I will have to adapt to that or crack up. Gives one no choice does it.
Wow, what an honest response. I feel how genuine you are. It shows in your writing. You have a wonderful way of conveying your feelings.
I understand why you feel as you do. I loved hearing about your grandson. Beautiful story, beautifully told. Thanks.
I do see what you mean and I get it.
Thanks for sharing how you feel with us.
I like your rational thinking. You are correct. This is a wonderful resource for gaining insight on many topics. I find it very comforting.
Thanks for responding. I appreciate it.
A person still cognizant (such as dying of cancer but mind still intact) may prefer to die in a hospital because they feel safer in a medical establishment even though they are dying.
Depends on the individual and condition. However, for the family death will **NOT** be easy no matter where they are. But remember once they do die..their suffering will be OVER. They pain is forever gone. Yours on the other hand has only begun with the terrible mourning process..because you are still among the living.
When there is life there is suffering. Remember that. Their suffering is over. You will have to deal with your own suffering and loss---and somehow forge your own life back together.
Your answer has so much insight and truth. You are right, it is such a personal choice, isn’t it? We all experience things differently.
Thanks so much sharing your wisdom.
My mom died in their bed of a brain tumor with hospice. I had no issues being in their home after or sleeping there. Neither did dad.
i hope you can work through this.
Oh, the voice of reason! Yes, sound logic. All of us ‘deep thinkers’ could learn a lesson or two from you.
Thanks for your heartfelt response. You seem to be very connected to what a family should be about.