I know death is part of life. Sometimes I think about mom dying in my home.
I have recently toured assisted living facilities in my area for mom. All were nice and I asked many questions.
It was also explained to me that hospice will be available for her when the time comes for her to die.
I asked about most people’s experiences, if it was easier to lose a person at home or while in assisted living? The response was for the majority of people it was easier if a parent died at a facility rather than in our homes. When I asked why, I was told, the memories, even about some seeing ghosts, selling house, etc.
Anyone else feel uneasy about a parent dying while living in their home? My mom’s bedroom is right next to mine, used to be my daughters bedroom.
Also, has anyone had dreams about a loved one dying? My cousin had a dream her mom died the night before she died.
Anyone heard any near death experience stories from loved ones?
When I was at college I went home with a friend to stay with her parents on their farm for the weekend. They seemed to eat nothing but butter, meats and gravy and her father looked grey and overweight. In my mind's eye I pictured a gray spot around his liver and knew that he'd be dead in two weeks. I was horrified at my thoughts. Two weeks later my friend went home from college because her dad had suddenly been diagnosed with liver cancer and died.
Wow, scary intuition, huh? You had something going on in your subconscious. Accurate premonitions.
Do you feel the death of someone is harder if they are estranged, unfinished business or that you have already started the grieving process before they died due to them being estranged? I’ve heard both sides from different people.
He went through a phase of phoning 999 and asking for an ambulance when there was pretty much nothing wrong, they'd take him to hospital, check him over and send him home. Then he tried same with his GP and they've stopped coming out.
Then he did it to me. (I live 20 miles away). He'd phone me and pretend he had chest pains or something. He didn't. In the end, it happened so often I had to ignore it too.
I always say we'll probably find him dead in his chair one day and say "Oops he was ill this time!". I know its not really funny...... But what can I do?
Honestly, if I jumped every time he claimed it was an emergency I would have lost my job, got divorced, and no longer see my kids by now.
I know what you mean. My mom has done the same thing for years. I know my mom truly has serious medical issues but there are certain things that are not a matter of life and death, but in her mind they are of the utmost importance. It’s like they think we are their personal servant. According to them, we aren’t supposed to question anything or do anything at our convenience either. If we do question circumstances, they consider it to be us being disrespectful to them. I tell my mom, “How about giving respect to get it back?”
I wonder all the time though, when and where she’ll die. Not wishing it on her but I think about when and how it will happen. I have missed out on so many desires because of her living with me since 2005. Long before that too. Done this practically all my life. I drove many miles before she moved in with us. I also took care of my dad and an older brother. My dad mellowed in his old age. He was a joy. I have wonderful memories of my father that I cherish. Also helped to take care of a few in laws.
Same as you, my husband and I will joke around saying that she is going to outlive us!
With Hospice you can do what you want.
I wanted my Husband at home. I think he would have hated being taken to a hospital to die. The Hospice facility is BEAUTIFUL, I am there almost everyday as a volunteer but it was not his home.
So you have a choice.
You can stay in your home
or
If you truly do not want your loved one to die at home this is something that you can discuss with Hospice.
Hospice also has volunteers that go through Vigil Training. These volunteers at almost a moments notice will come to your house and sit with you, sit with your loved one until they die so you will not be alone when the death occurs. This could take 1 day, 2 days or more they will come in shifts if need be. They will make phone calls to the Hospice office so a trained person will come out and make all the calls that need to be made and they will "pronounce" the death. So you do not have to be worried about being alone when your loved one dies.
With Hospice the decision is ALWAYS up to the patient and the family.
Yeah, hospice is a lovely organization. I’m glad your husband died where he wanted to be.
I know that at some point my mom will have to go into AL or MC as her age and dementia/ALZ progresses, but it's not something I look forward to, despite how hard it already is to deal with her at home. Each of us needs to decide what is best for ourselves, our family and our loved one. And prepare ourselves in case nature steps in on it's own time line. ❤
It’s true, can involve others, such as your daughter, especially if she suffers with nightmares.
Thanks for sharing.
Ahhh, one of my favorite actors of yesteryear. To Kill a Mockingbird. Great book and great film!
Yes, life throws us curveballs that are very much unexpected. Thanks for your encouragement. I appreciate it.
i think if you feel uncomfortable you should not have your mom at home.
Try not to do something youll feel uncomfortable about later.
there were be enough why-didnt-i later.
Yep, I want to be at peace following my heart. Thanks for responding.
Beautiful story. So much love. Thanks for sharing.
Oh, I love your story! What a beautiful heart you have.
I never turn down prayers, thanks.
By the way, I bought a home once where someone committed suicide. We had the home saged and blessed. It was never an issue for us, if I heard a squeak I'd say "hi Jerry" and move on with my day. My kids were not bothered by it either. I think that real estate agents must tell you if someone committed suicide, but I don't think they are obligated to tell you if someone died a natural death in the home....but I'm not sure about that.
What a cute story! It’s good to laugh. Thanks for the giggle.
Sounds like you had a warm and loving relationship. Beautiful experience. Thanks for responding.
Hospice services can be delivered in a home or in a facility. Your family needs to have an open and honest discussion about this.
I am trying to read in between the lines and having trouble. Please elaborate. Do you regret your dad being with assisted living? Would you have preferred hospice?
Thanks for responding.
I know hospice has helped many people, including my family with my brother’s death. Thanks for responding.
I appreciate what you are saying. Lots of emotions involved. Thanks for responding.
I had a vision about 3 days before he passed. He was in a firetruck (he was a fireman) and it was in beautiful soft clouds. He was looking out the window and waving goodbye with a beautiful smile on his face.
I took care of him at home with help from a wonderful home health care giver and a friend. It wasn't easy, but I would do it again in a heartbeat. He was home with friends and family. The bad memories passed when he did and I owe all my strength to God who carried me through.
Oh my gosh, I have vivid dreams. I find dreams fascinating but the nightmares I had as a kid I wish could have been turned off. Too many horror shows!
It's not the dead I fear, it's all that comes before. My mom developed aspiration pneumonia in the NH, I got a call in the middle of the night that they were unable to maintain her blood oxygen levels and it took her several days to actually die. She had immediate access to oxygen, she had meds given via a subcutaneous cannula, she was basically kept stoned out of her mind and I am grateful it was not up to me to notice and interpret her needs and take the appropriate action because I was totally out of my depth. In the end hers was a fairly peaceful passing, I can't imagine how difficult it would be to have experienced a traumatic death and to be confronted constantly by reminders because your home is where it all occurred.
I agree. So many variables. We can’t always be second guessing. It is hard when we don’t experience what we would have liked to have happen. For the most part, we don’t have that type of control. Thanks for sharing.
My father lived in a trailer in my front yard - again, Hospice provided a hospital bed so he didn't die in his bed - that helped because my neighbor wanted the bed and was relieved to hear Pop wasn't in it when he passed. The trailer remained in my front yard for almost a year before we were given permission to have it moved (Probate). I was thankful to be able to keep him at home until he passed.
Yes, I have memories - of love. He was so thankful and I got to witness his passing when my mother came for him. I shall never ever forget the profound look of joy on his face when she came for him - he missed her so much, she passed 7+ years earlier.
For my father, the hospital bed was delivered maybe an hour before he passed. Don't be afraid of memories. Personally, I believe if you do the best you can and you make peace before they pass - apologizing for any shortcomings and mistakes made along the way - it is a most beautiful experience.
Incredible story. I love it! Thanks for sharing.
Lovely story. Thanks so much for sharing it. Taking it all in. Trying to sort this out.
Wow! Just got goosebumps reading your post. Beautiful story. Your grandma loved all of you.
I believe that God would hear your fears, and help you with your mother’s plans.
Hugs. 🙏🏻❤️🙏🏻
Geeeez, a lot of anxiety went along with your caregiving. It’s not easy, is it? I’m glad that you have no regrets and are at peace. Your father was blessed to have you caring for him.
Thanks for sharing your experience. Hugs!!!
Many feel the presence of their loved ones. You are certainly not alone. Thanks for sharing a lovely point of view.
I wasn't plagued by thoughts of her lying there dead overnight (she died in the very early evening, her GP came at once to certify the death, but I told the undertakers to collect her the next day - couldn't face their making a rushed job of it). I turned off the heating, lit a candle, and checked in on her a few times overnight. Waving her goodbye through the gate and down the road next morning was worse, if anything.
Her hospital bed went back to the hospital, along with all the rest of the nursing-type kit. We moved furniture back in, put the rug back, and before long it was just a sitting room again. No especially eerie feelings about it.
I think, really, wherever your parent dies - or anyone you love, come to that - there are going to be painful wishes and flashbacks; unless you're one of the few fortunates for whom everything just happens to fall perfectly, naturally into place. Would I have found it easier to walk away from a hospital room knowing her body would go from there to the mortuary? - I can't see it. I know for certain it wasn't any easier to see my great aunt's empty room at the nursing home, or even to drive there knowing she wasn't there to be visited.
I tend to be sceptical when people say how much the world has changed and things ain't what they used to be and it's all so different now; but one thing (or two, rather) that unmistakably has changed is how exposed we are to both birth and death. We hardly ever fully witness either, in the ordinary course of things. No wonder we find them so frightening.
So much truth and wisdom in your posts. Yes, I suppose we have irrational fears at times. Then you and others remind us of things that we need to hear. Things we never knew perhaps or have forgotten about. This is why it is good to have a forum like this one. We really can learn from one another. Thanks.
Makes sense to me. I love my mom. It is hard for me being her full time caregiver since 2005. Not as cut and dry as some have it. Well, I personally don’t think anyone has a ‘perfect or ideal’ life. Ups and downs. I appreciate your encouragement. Thanks for responding.
I learned more about Love and people than imagined.
I'm finding I could go on about it, but more important.
She died in my arms two years ago.
Fear of our own death is perceived differently than we assume others. Enough of me.
”GONE FROM MY SIGHT” - Barbara Karnes, RN.
www.bkbooks.com
This may already be known in the age caring community.
every caregiver should read, and have a couple copies.
there $2. Fear is easy to erase with Love, understanding.
I can’t imagine but my mom went through what you did. Her sister asked her to prop up her pillow and while my mom was trying to adjust her pillow, she collapsed in my mother’s arms. She was only in her forties. We took in my cousins. My uncle died two years before my aunt. He had cancer and she had kidney problems.
When my husband's granny died her body was brought home and placed in an open coffin in her bedroom. The bedroom furniture had been moved out on top of the bed in the spare room, to make space for the coffin and for chairs for people to come and sit with her. My husband and I had travelled quite far and spent the night in her house, but obviously there was nowhere for us to sleep. We made a makeshift bed from duvets and pillows on the floor next to the coffin, we kissed her goodnight, told her we loved her, then slept on the floor by her side. We both slept soundly and it was lovely to be close to her.
I do worry about finding my Mum dead or dying, but only in the sense that I don't want her to be in pain, also it's such a huge responsibility, working out what to do, who to call etc. I wonder if I'll panic and just not know what to do. We don't always get to choose where we die, but when it does happen I hope it will be wherever and however it will be most comfortable for her. It certainly wouldn't make me feel differently about my home if she died while she was staying with us. I would just be happy that she would have known she was with us.
I find it very interesting how differently everyone feels about death. Thanks for sharing. Sounds like you had a very loving family.
so she can die at home. I have no fear of it. To experience someone’s death is comforting in a odd sort of way. She was with me as I began my life and I am happy to be with her as she leaves hers. I have time to just sit with her and reflect on life both good and bad. Her mind isn’t with me any longer which makes me miss her already. She is 85 and dying of liver failure. Nancy
What a beautiful outlook. Don’t you wish there was no suffering, just a date that we stopped breathing? Doesn’t usually work out that way. Just daydreaming...
I don’t know where I’d like to be.
Thanks for responding.
If it happened in a traumatic way, such as suicide or something else violent or sudden, I can see where it might be much more difficult to deal with it having happened in your home.
Grace & Peace to you...
I agree with your perspective. Some situations are much harder than others. Thanks for sharing.
A lot of people are quite comfortable with dealing with deaths, yet I respect that it isn’t for everyone. Thanks for responding.