Does anyone else fear a parent dying in their home?

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Does anyone else fear a parent dying in their home?

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I just went through this in February. Mom has been living with me since August as her dementia was progressing and she could not care for herself. In mid January she got a bad UTI, ended up in the hospital for six days and just couldn't fight any longer, then we brought her home to pass, which she did a week later. I would not change it for the world. I would give anything to hold her hand for five more minutes, to stroke her hair one more time, to tell her again what a great mom she was and how much I loved her, to pray over her....... To have her family by her side as she took her last breath in the comfort of her own room, this is what she would have wanted and I would do it all over again.

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Montana,

Lovely story. Thanks so much for sharing it. Taking it all in. Trying to sort this out.

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While it was my DH and not a parent, I have no regrets keeping him home with me. As you stated, Hospice will come in and bring a hospital bed so the patient isn't dying in one of your beds. It was a lot easier on DH being home for his last days.

My father lived in a trailer in my front yard - again, Hospice provided a hospital bed so he didn't die in his bed - that helped because my neighbor wanted the bed and was relieved to hear Pop wasn't in it when he passed. The trailer remained in my front yard for almost a year before we were given permission to have it moved (Probate). I was thankful to be able to keep him at home until he passed.

Yes, I have memories - of love. He was so thankful and I got to witness his passing when my mother came for him. I shall never ever forget the profound look of joy on his face when she came for him - he missed her so much, she passed 7+ years earlier.

For my father, the hospital bed was delivered maybe an hour before he passed. Don't be afraid of memories. Personally, I believe if you do the best you can and you make peace before they pass - apologizing for any shortcomings and mistakes made along the way - it is a most beautiful experience.

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RayLinStephens,

Incredible story. I love it! Thanks for sharing.

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You know, I the more I read the more I think that people's experiences with hospice are one of the main factors that can differentiate between a good death in the home and a nightmare, coupled with how drawn out and traumatic the actual dying process is. There is a person on the forum right now who is wracked with guilt over failing to be able to adequately read the signs and relieve her mother's suffering before she died, I gather that the only help available to them was not an RN, and gave bad advice. Not everyone has a peaceful death, and not every hospice provides the necessary support.

It's not the dead I fear, it's all that comes before. My mom developed aspiration pneumonia in the NH, I got a call in the middle of the night that they were unable to maintain her blood oxygen levels and it took her several days to actually die. She had immediate access to oxygen, she had meds given via a subcutaneous cannula, she was basically kept stoned out of her mind and I am grateful it was not up to me to notice and interpret her needs and take the appropriate action because I was totally out of my depth. In the end hers was a fairly peaceful passing, I can't imagine how difficult it would be to have experienced a traumatic death and to be confronted constantly by reminders because your home is where it all occurred.

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cwille,

I agree. So many variables. We can’t always be second guessing. It is hard when we don’t experience what we would have liked to have happen. For the most part, we don’t have that type of control. Thanks for sharing.

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My husband died at home from complications of Parkinson's disease. I called for Hospice about two months before he passed. I'm sorry I waited so long. They were wonderful. So many loving people at such a difficult time.

I had a vision about 3 days before he passed. He was in a firetruck (he was a fireman) and it was in beautiful soft clouds. He was looking out the window and waving goodbye with a beautiful smile on his face.

I took care of him at home with help from a wonderful home health care giver and a friend. It wasn't easy, but I would do it again in a heartbeat. He was home with friends and family. The bad memories passed when he did and I owe all my strength to God who carried me through.

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My mom has Parkinson’s so I can relate. I am glad that your bad memories have faded. Caregiving isn’t always easy. It has it’s share of ups and downs.

Oh my gosh, I have vivid dreams. I find dreams fascinating but the nightmares I had as a kid I wish could have been turned off. Too many horror shows!

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No disclosure is required when you go to sell if there was a natural death on the property. The most important thing is caring for your mom while you have her and coming to terms with your fears. She has fears too that are significant regardless of her age and health - try to put aside yours and comfort her while you are she is alive. My husband is in a facility and I grieve daily for many reasons but one is that I can't give him the peace that would come from being cared for and eventually passing in his own home around familiar surroundings and his pets and possessions that he cherished instead of a facility.

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txagt,

I appreciate what you are saying. Lots of emotions involved. Thanks for responding.

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Clearly your personal feelings all come into play as well as the health status of the person. Hospice is meant to help someone pass at home where they are most comfortable as has happened for ages...as I recall, wakes used to happen in people's homes too? I think the answer for you is what makes you (and your mother) most comfortable. For me, I hope I do die at home when the time comes; for my parents, who are elder, I hope they pass gently in their sleep and not in some damn hospital or facility. If your parent has an illness, you should get hospice involved as they will be a support and guide you and help with the details.

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gdaughter,

I know hospice has helped many people, including my family with my brother’s death. Thanks for responding.

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There is a limit on how much "assistance" an Assisted Living facility can provide. If they think the resident is having a medical crisis, a hospital transfer is likely to happen. This happened to my father and he died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital.

Hospice services can be delivered in a home or in a facility. Your family needs to have an open and honest discussion about this.

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Bigsister,

I am trying to read in between the lines and having trouble. Please elaborate. Do you regret your dad being with assisted living? Would you have preferred hospice?

Thanks for responding.

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My father died here...and mom is on hospice now. Having been through one and coming into another. I have zero fear about it. First, hospice is amazing...they make all the difficult parts easy. As for after, I have had nothing but comfort and warm feelings about dad passing here. No spirits, selling the house. None of that. In fact I stayed in his room the following night to feel close...and it was warm and loving feeling.

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John,

Sounds like you had a warm and loving relationship. Beautiful experience. Thanks for responding.

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Our family has a very weird sense of humor so I am not being disrespectful. When my mom got older and tired of the cold we moved her to our vacation home in Florida and I made her promise that if she felt like she was going "bink" to get outside of the house so as not to die inside my house. It was a lighthearted way of us discussing where she wanted to be at the end, but if we can do what is required to care for her at the end I hope I have the strength to keep her with us.

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Tluther

What a cute story! It’s good to laugh. Thanks for the giggle.

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Have you asked your Mom where she would like to live her last days? If she says at home, ask her what about that is comforting to her. Maybe she just wants to be surrounded by loved ones and some familiar things, if so, then you can certainly recreate that in an assisted living environment. I think that there is no right answer that will fit everyone. I think that dying at home is what most people want. I think I could handle that if the death was a quick one, or if my dad died of a sudden heart attack or severe stroke. It's the long deaths that I think are harder, such as if a parent is no longer taking in any nutrition, I don't know if I could handle that at home, and it would be especially hard if there are children living in the home. In that case, hospice in a facility would be better for me.

By the way, I bought a home once where someone committed suicide. We had the home saged and blessed. It was never an issue for us, if I heard a squeak I'd say "hi Jerry" and move on with my day. My kids were not bothered by it either. I think that real estate agents must tell you if someone committed suicide, but I don't think they are obligated to tell you if someone died a natural death in the home....but I'm not sure about that.

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a murder for sure I think, suicide I don't know...an interesting question!

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I had fears when I moved my 103 yo aunt in with me...but my love for her over came those fears and when she passed away in my guest room 6 months later, I was only flooded with precious memories and the fact that she was with the ones who loved her most when she went to be with the Lord. I would caution anyone tho....moving a loved one in is the HARDEST thing I’ve ever done and I’m not sure I could ever do it again. Prayers for wisdom and discernment as you care for your mom...

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Lin,

Oh, I love your story! What a beautiful heart you have.

I never turn down prayers, thanks.

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My mom was in hospice care, at her home, which is about 300 feet behind mine. Once her health declined, which happened in less than 2 weeks, we ordered a hospital bed and had an ambulance do an assisted lift, to move her to my home. She passed away 12 days later. I have no stigmas or misgivings about my mom passing away, in my home. We were all by her side when she took her last breath. My kids were 10 and 14 at the time and they have handled things very well. I think it’s important to have a healthy view of death and to appreciate the moments that we have with our family while they are with us, on earth. And if she wants to come “visit”, we’ll I guess we will cross that bridge. I personally hope that she is dancing on streets of gold and that this ugly world is just a memory for her.

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Vonclary,

Beautiful story. So much love. Thanks for sharing.

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My son died here in my house ... my daughter in her house in another state. My mother in her independent living apartment. My father in a nursing home. My fatherinlaw in a hospital. My motherinlaw in a nursing home.

i think if you feel uncomfortable you should not have your mom at home.

Try not to do something youll feel uncomfortable about later.

there were be enough why-didnt-i later.

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Bettysue,

Yep, I want to be at peace following my heart. Thanks for responding.

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I am very unafraid...and this surprises me a little bit. My relationship to death really changed when my parents died. Why would they want to scare me? They absolutely wouldn’t. I hope I get to die at home. You’ll be ok.

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Gregorypeck,

Ahhh, one of my favorite actors of yesteryear. To Kill a Mockingbird. Great book and great film!

Yes, life throws us curveballs that are very much unexpected. Thanks for your encouragement. I appreciate it.

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For me, personally, I'd prefer my mom to die at home. She'd be more comfortable here than in the hospital or AL and I'm not the superstitious type. However, I have a disabled adult child who suffers with several mental health and neurological issues and it could cause her problems since she does have vivid dreams.

I know that at some point my mom will have to go into AL or MC as her age and dementia/ALZ progresses, but it's not something I look forward to, despite how hard it already is to deal with her at home. Each of us needs to decide what is best for ourselves, our family and our loved one. And prepare ourselves in case nature steps in on it's own time line. ❤

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kirahfaye,

It’s true, can involve others, such as your daughter, especially if she suffers with nightmares.

Thanks for sharing.

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Needhelpwithmom..
With Hospice you can do what you want.
I wanted my Husband at home. I think he would have hated being taken to a hospital to die. The Hospice facility is BEAUTIFUL, I am there almost everyday as a volunteer but it was not his home.
So you have a choice.
You can stay in your home
or
If you truly do not want your loved one to die at home this is something that you can discuss with Hospice.

Hospice also has volunteers that go through Vigil Training. These volunteers at almost a moments notice will come to your house and sit with you, sit with your loved one until they die so you will not be alone when the death occurs. This could take 1 day, 2 days or more they will come in shifts if need be. They will make phone calls to the Hospice office so a trained person will come out and make all the calls that need to be made and they will "pronounce" the death. So you do not have to be worried about being alone when your loved one dies.

With Hospice the decision is ALWAYS up to the patient and the family.

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Grandma,

Yeah, hospice is a lovely organization. I’m glad your husband died where he wanted to be.

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My Dad is currently ignored by his GP and emergency services. His fault.

He went through a phase of phoning 999 and asking for an ambulance when there was pretty much nothing wrong, they'd take him to hospital, check him over and send him home. Then he tried same with his GP and they've stopped coming out.

Then he did it to me. (I live 20 miles away). He'd phone me and pretend he had chest pains or something. He didn't. In the end, it happened so often I had to ignore it too.

I always say we'll probably find him dead in his chair one day and say "Oops he was ill this time!". I know its not really funny...... But what can I do?

Honestly, if I jumped every time he claimed it was an emergency I would have lost my job, got divorced, and no longer see my kids by now.

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Paul,

I know what you mean. My mom has done the same thing for years. I know my mom truly has serious medical issues but there are certain things that are not a matter of life and death, but in her mind they are of the utmost importance. It’s like they think we are their personal servant. According to them, we aren’t supposed to question anything or do anything at our convenience either. If we do question circumstances, they consider it to be us being disrespectful to them. I tell my mom, “How about giving respect to get it back?”

I wonder all the time though, when and where she’ll die. Not wishing it on her but I think about when and how it will happen. I have missed out on so many desires because of her living with me since 2005. Long before that too. Done this practically all my life. I drove many miles before she moved in with us. I also took care of my dad and an older brother. My dad mellowed in his old age. He was a joy. I have wonderful memories of my father that I cherish. Also helped to take care of a few in laws.

Same as you, my husband and I will joke around saying that she is going to outlive us!

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I had a feeling that my dad had died so checked the internet to find that he'd died a few days before. He was a difficult person and estranged from everyone except his second wife so no one knew he was in his last days.

When I was at college I went home with a friend to stay with her parents on their farm for the weekend. They seemed to eat nothing but butter, meats and gravy and her father looked grey and overweight. In my mind's eye I pictured a gray spot around his liver and knew that he'd be dead in two weeks. I was horrified at my thoughts. Two weeks later my friend went home from college because her dad had suddenly been diagnosed with liver cancer and died.

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Davina,

Wow, scary intuition, huh? You had something going on in your subconscious. Accurate premonitions.

Do you feel the death of someone is harder if they are estranged, unfinished business or that you have already started the grieving process before they died due to them being estranged? I’ve heard both sides from different people.

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My father died at home in his favorite chair two years ago nearly to the day. I found him when I came home (I lived with him) from work later that night. I beat myself up for not seeing the signs before I left that morning. I went over everything that happened with him from several months before that terrible day up to the morning he died, over and over in my mind. I realized, at one point, that my dad died the way he wanted. He hated hospitals. He was watching one of his favorite tv channels and had the paper in his lap when he fell off to sleep permanently. He loved his home and there are many memories of him and my family here. I am glad he was able to meet death in the place he would have wanted it most. A few months later I visited my uncle in the hospital on his death bed. It was terrible. He was unconscious and hooked up to many machines and had tubes in and out of him everywhere imaginable. He looked like the Bionic man rather than my uncle. I know my uncle didn't like this at all and I am at peace to know he is likely with my dad in that other world. I thanked God then and there that my father did not die this way. It would have been unimaginable to witness. I have since had a few 'incidents' which tells me my father's spirit lives on. It hurt a lot in the first few days and weeks after his death to be at home where he passed. Every little thing he held or used in his daily life became like a museum masterpiece though they were ordinary objects. These things took on a reverential status because the person I once loved and took care of used them and he is gone from my life. I find comfort in being at home where all our memories are and I'm not 'spooked' at all by the thought of his ghost though I know other people feel very uneasy about such things. My father died suddenly and though there were signs I should have paid closer attention to, nobody expected it to happen. But if he were to wind up having a condition that produced much pain for him and the hospital would be better for him in terms of handling that pain, then I would wish for him to be there unless he really objected. My grandmother also died in her apartment where she lived with my mom. She was receiving hospice care and was surrounded by her children and some grandchildren (including me) when she passed. It was tough to watch as she had that familiar 'death rattle' and seemed to be fighting to let go. But, I don't think she would have wanted to die in a hospital surrounded by mostly strangers. In the end, how, where and when we die is out of our hands for the most part. I think it depends on how your parent feels about that subject and how comfortable you are with death and what comes in the days and months afterwards. I hope you find peace in coming to an answer.

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You are a wonderful person and I agree with everything you say.

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This has been an interesting question and the answers are all over the place. Back in my dad's childhood it was natural to have the body of the deceased lay in the casket at home while family members stayed with the body until burial. People experienced much more death back then that the fear that hangs over death wasn’t as palpable as it is now. We are pretty far removed from death. I think it boils down to how you personally feel about death. As I’ve gotten older and sense my mortality now and being around my dad, I’m much more matter of fact about it. I think having a healthy perspective of death is important and it helps me accept it now. Were my husband to suddenly die in our home from say an accident or cardiac event, I would not be bothered living there. Death is just a transition from this life...the body is just a container.
My mom died in their bed of a brain tumor with hospice. I had no issues being in their home after or sleeping there. Neither did dad.
i hope you can work through this.

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Harpcat,

Oh, the voice of reason! Yes, sound logic. All of us ‘deep thinkers’ could learn a lesson or two from you.

Thanks for your heartfelt response. You seem to be very connected to what a family should be about.

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Death is going to be hard no matter where they are. Hospice can provide analgesics to reduce unpleasant symptoms such as pain and nausea. However, home is also considered a haven of safety. Most probable it depends on the person dying. My mom has end-stage Alzheimer's and I doubt she will survive the year; she will be 90 in August. I hope she makes it at least that long. Because she is confused ALL the time, a hospital setting would not be comforting. The strange sights, sounds, people coming and going, bells and whistles going off..would most probably cause her distress. The familiarity of home and her routines will bring comfort. So she will die at home when that time comes (she is currently under hospice, but I do all of her care which is considerable).

A person still cognizant (such as dying of cancer but mind still intact) may prefer to die in a hospital because they feel safer in a medical establishment even though they are dying.

Depends on the individual and condition. However, for the family death will **NOT** be easy no matter where they are. But remember once they do die..their suffering will be OVER. They pain is forever gone. Yours on the other hand has only begun with the terrible mourning process..because you are still among the living.

When there is life there is suffering. Remember that. Their suffering is over. You will have to deal with your own suffering and loss---and somehow forge your own life back together.

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cetude,

Your answer has so much insight and truth. You are right, it is such a personal choice, isn’t it? We all experience things differently.

Thanks so much sharing your wisdom.

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As someone said so beautifully in this thread, everyone is different. I think it may depend on the relationship you have or had with the person who is dying. I have friends here in Sarasota who adored their father, mother and were very comfortable with having a loving goodbye in their home. My mother, as I have said before, was a pretty bitter narcissist and I would not have been comfortable at all with her dying here at home. Listen to your heart. These good people in this site are flowers of information. God bless you.

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keepingup,

I like your rational thinking. You are correct. This is a wonderful resource for gaining insight on many topics. I find it very comforting.

Thanks for responding. I appreciate it.

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I hope my father does die here with me, in his own bed. I hope he is well enough (if you see what I mean) to die in peace surrounded by his own things and not in an institution.

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Jane,

I do see what you mean and I get it.

Thanks for sharing how you feel with us.

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I feel it's harder to have a loved one pass at home rather than in a facility. My mom passed young in a hospital, she wasn't aware of her surroundings, at the time my dad tried to bring her home, but she was so close, the hospital didn't recommend it. I felt that was the best thing under those circumstances. My dad could not have handled it. Not everyone has the help they need, or a big family standing by to help. My husband passed at 53 at our home from Glioblastoma. I didn't want him to pass alone in a hospital. He was aware of his surroundings and everything that was going on, even setting up in bed until the very day before he passed, I didn't want him to be alone at all through it. He fell into the sleep phase for one day and then passed in the middle of the night. My dad lives with me now, has advanced prostate cancer that he will pass from, and I will admit him to a hospice facility when it gets close, because I cannot go through that pain again. Even though you can have hospice come to your home, you are still on your own to some degree, it does depend on the level of what the family or caregiver can handle and how much family you have helping, I've always been pretty much on my own, small family and I only have my dad and two daughters now. My husband passed in the middle of the night next to me, it was heartbreaking, hospice not there. I don't regret following through with promises my husband and I made to each other, even though we had to fulfill that promise so young, but it is not something everyone can handle. As far as ghosts and memories and things like that, I moved to our guest room because our old room just isn't a happy place for me, and my grandson who my husband didn't get to meet, he passed before he was born, our little grandson found his way to my master bedroom which I use for storage now, and he was having a conversation with my rocking chair in the corner of the room, hadn't seen him do anything like that before or since. So who knows, both my daughter and I walked into the room and watched this, a little shaken by it, all I can say is our little man was in a happy conversation with the rocking chair in the corner, and he has no idea is grandpa passed in that room. So who knows. Overall, I would not recommend to anyone who has doubts about a loved one passing in their home, to think it through and if there are still doubts, then probably should not do it.

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W61ha13D,

Wow, what an honest response. I feel how genuine you are. It shows in your writing. You have a wonderful way of conveying your feelings.

I understand why you feel as you do. I loved hearing about your grandson. Beautiful story, beautifully told. Thanks.

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Please don't worry. I was with my aunt in her home when she passed, my mom in her house when she passed, my dad when he passed in the hospital (in the hospice unit) May 18th, and with my special needs sister when she passed Dec. 27th in my home. It sounds scary...it sounds awful, but as many have said...it's a beautiful experience. Don't worry about this, just do what you feel you need to do...and I promise, it will be OK. All of my family is gone...and I feel honored to have been with each of them as they crossed over....it will be OK. Love Love Love

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There is nothing beautiful about death. It is a terrible, fearful process. I watched my father die of cancer. I could not stop crying and it was traumatic. I was horribly nasty to everybody because I was in shock. The paperwork involved is daunting such as notifying Social Security of the death to stop payment (otherwise you will have to pay it back!). Cremation arrangements had to be done. Family notified. The family is a special breed of pure h*ll. You will find out how they can fight over money like circling vultures that's all they care about. You are never prepared for death. I mean I would even pass by the baby food at the grocery store, which was the only thing he could eat sometimes in the end and I would start crying uncontrollably in the store. Eventually emotions settle down but one must allow that mourning process to happen. I NEVER got over my father's death...but I learned to live with it. You have to. Holidays I go through a special kind of dark depression because I miss my father to this day.

Overall I did adapt to his death and live on. I'm still alive and breathing, so there's really no choice. Except now my mom has end-stage Alzheimer's disease and near 90. When she dies I will feel destroyed. My life has been so wrapped up in hers because she is 24-hour-a day care, I lost my own sense of being. However, this brings a new perception about life that I am less fearful of death. When she dies I will be devastated..but still alive so I will have to adapt to that or crack up. Gives one no choice does it.

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My friend cared for her husband at home. He had a brain tumor and was in a lot of pain. One night he said he didn't think he could go on any longer and she reassured him that he didn't need to worry about her anymore (he was one of those stand up guys who wanted to make sure he took care of everything before his life ended) He died that night, she woke up right as he passed. The way she described it was very touching and quite beautiful. She felt very blessed to have been by his side when he died.

I remember being in a house with an aunt that I could intuit was near death. I remember staying up all night listening to her tortured breathing. I felt quite afraid she was going to die on my watch, but no one else seemed too worried. I knew there were people on the way out to visit and I really wanted her to hang on. She ended up being able to visit her with family for the last time and died a few weeks later. But I do remember feeling quite worried about the whole thing. Maybe it had to do with the unfinished business she felt she had.

I think if someone has led a good life and is ready to leave earth on peaceful terms, it would still be sad but also a beautiful thing to be present at their passing. I've
been at people's bedside when they weren't ready to go and it was hard to know the right thing to say or do. I imagine it would be different when someone is truly ready.

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bettina,

I agree. If they are ready it makes a big difference. It really does. I feel my mom is ready whenever her time comes. Sometimes I think she wonders what is taking God so long to take her home to be with my dad.

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If you're concerned about being in a home that a relative died in, I think that's an aspect of ... brainwashing. My own inclination stemmed from that, that it's bad to have a home someone's died in, having to declare that fact when the house is for sale, and so on.

But that changed with my current house. It's an old log house and dates back to the early 1900s. The icon for this home died in hospital, but one day when I was concentrating on her as I "stirred" with a very old spoon I'd just found--worn to a point from decades of her cooking and stirring--and she appeared!

She "stood" behind me with her right arm over mine, which is what I saw up close and personal. I can still see the little old woman's hand and the red cotton sleeve dotted with tiny white flowers. Then she disappeared. I was shocked and scared because it was so unexpected, but I was so honored that this icon who I admired appeared to me, I just wept. Took me years before I could tell that story and not be a weepy mess. Even now I have to wipe tears.

But after that I'm not afraid of a spirit.

After that experience I got a phone call from a woman wanting to stay in my place (it's a B&B) and she only goes to places that are haunted and wanted to know if my place was haunted. I said, "no." I was actually offended, because I had learned the difference between "haunting" (a negative) and a kind spirit (a positive) who didn't deserve to be treated as a callous spectacle. I'm no longer concerned.

When Mom died last year, I wasn't concerned about her passing in her home. If her spirit is there, it's a benevolent and kindly spirit.

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MountainMoose,

What a beautiful experience. A log cabin, huh? Nice. I have a friend who owns a log cabin. I haven't seen her in ages. I always enjoyed visiting her. I loved her place.

I never get to visit with friends anymore due to caring for mom but your story of your home just brought back wonderful memories. She had many acres of land and one of my favorite things that we did together were watching hawks fly overhead. So peaceful. She had a goat named, Spanky. He was so cute. She had beautiful horses and a dog and cat.

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I am sitting right now in the spot where my mother died about 8 months ago. She was in a hospital bed in her living room (now my living room) and I placed my desk in the same spot where her hospital bed had been.

We owned the home together, although I didn't live in it full time until the last weeks of her life. Like others have said, I had trouble entering what had been her bedroom and her bathroom. I didn't want to disturb her stuff or invade her privacy, even after her death. Eventually, I had to do it though. Not only am I the homeowner but I'm also the administrator of her estate. Finally I invited friends to stay with me for a while, and I had to clear out my mother's bathroom, nightstand, closet, etc to make room, and to remove her personal items from anyone else's view.

I was here in the house when my mother died and while she was dying, and it was very hard. Hard to be responsible for her care and her comfort. Emotionally wrenching and physically exhausting. I have bad memories and good memories of that time. However, I am glad we didn't place her in a hospice facility. She wanted to be at home, and I wanted to take care of her hands-on, not see her for an hour or so per day while other people attended to her care.

I'm not uncomfortable being here. I have my mother's ashes in a polished wooden box in my bedroom, displayed on the top shelf of my bookcase. She still has a place here, and an influence. I'm sort of comforted by that. It's been a long process, but if I were to sell my mother's house, it won't be because she died in it.

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Carla,

I really enjoyed reading your post. We are all different, aren't we? Everyone has a unique experience to share and I appreciate that. I am not sure exactly how I feel but I truly respect everyone's right to feel as they do. I like that each of us has our own opinion. I like independent thinkers not swayed by others. I like that we are able to learn from each other and still remain true to ourselves. Thanks.

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My hubs will freak out if mom dies in the house, but I think he is more afraid being the one to FIND her.. My Great Grandmother outlived 3 husbands, and always told us kids that she saw each hubs the night after he passed. She was not alarmed or bothered by this, in fact I think she was comforted. Our house has "odd spots", and our dogs tend to stare at the spot in the foyer where dad used to stand and watch the deer. Doesn't bother me all. Mom is welcome by me at least to pass where she was loved and cared for.

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pam,

I get it! I have had the feeling that your husband has. Finding her unexpectedly. That can be a shock. Happened to my cousin. He saw his wife sitting in her favorite chair and noticed that she didn't look right. He asked her how she was feeling and she told him that she wanted to rest for a bit because she was feeling tired.

She was born with a heart issue and I think had a premonition that she would die young because she had taken out a large insurance policy on herself to help care for their three children. She was taking a short nap before cooking dinner. He left the room to tend to one of the children. He came back into the room to tell her something and she was gone, just that quick. She was in her 40's. My cousin was in shock for quite awhile after her passing. So unexpected for him. She was very active, was a nurse at the hospital, had three adorable kids and took good care of herself. She hardly ever spoke about her heart problem. I think she had accepted the possibility of an early death but he didn't think it would happen. Her death was so sad.

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My father died in my home (we shared one). I am so glad he was able to die at home. He was on hospice and it was very peaceful, and he was comfortable in familiar surroundings.

To me death is not something to fear for either myself or my loved ones. Early death, or painful death, yes that is incredibly hard. But if you are born, you will die and I don't think that is bad. And to be able to die in familiar surroundings I think would be very comforting and for me that is what I would wish for myself or a family member.

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chdottir,

What about someone who just can’t be there at the end? I was the last person that was with my oldest brother. My younger brother said he felt that was the day he would die so he stayed away on purpose. He said he just couldn’t handle it.

What would you say if someone says, I can’t watch you die? Sad, huh?

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Does anyone else fear a parent dying in their home?

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