4.5 years ago my mother wanted to move to our town and we built a house with a space for her. 2.5 years ago she had a medically-aborted stroke, and my family and I have since had to deal with her being violent, screaming at us, lying to us and lying about us. She has positioned us as the enemy. I've spent countless hours trying to find the best way to help her, found ALFs we could tour, and spent nearly a year trying to get her into a highly regarded care memory clinic to be evaluated. She has refused ALF visits and canceled multiple appointments. Instead, she's been relying on advice from questionably-motivated "friends", has removed me as POA, and seems to be changing her will to mostly exclude me (I am her only child). We've discovered from her actions and from her sister's information that my mother is and always has been a pathological liar and a narcissist. I'm not sure any more whether her issues are that or if theres dementia, and now we'll never know. When my health starting being really affected, my therapist recommended and my husband and I made the difficult decision to ask her to find another place to live. We gave her just over 2 months deadline. Now she has come back talking about elder abuse and some benefit she gets when she turns 80 (no clue what that could be), so she says she won't move out until her birthday, which is 4 months away. I didn't want to have to do the formal eviction process, but I threatened that when she said she refused. Spending the lawyer money isn't appealing especially since it may take that 4 months anyway. We never imagined it would go this way, and we really never wanted this, but we can't continue this way for the safety, physical and mental health of us or our children. Any (nice, helpful) thoughts? Advice?
https://www.rentecdirect.com/blog/should-i-evict-a-family-member/
At least in SC, I've technically already started the process by giving her the letter with a date to be out. The day after that date, I would go to the Magistrate Court to file. She is served within 30 days then has 10 days to respond. If she doesn't, we're done. If she responds, we go to court, which is the question mark as far as time. That's the point where I would need a lawyer's help. No idea which way she'll go. I'd love to think she would just go, but her recent history shows otherwise.
Seems there's nothing I can do but wait at the moment. Gotta say, waiting is not my best thing.
I can see why legal advice & a legal pathway has been chosen.
Yet I'm still stuck on Mom's health status I suppose.. history of stroke?
There is a wide grey area between ok & not ok. Between 'presumed to have capacity' and being declared 'unable to make decisions for self'.
What to do in this grey area? This is the big problem.
I see you have tried for evaluation too.
I think I'd be carefully looking at harm or potential harm, even self-neglect. So if there are any of: threats of violence, objects thrown, neglect of personal hygiene, not taking medications, not eating properly. Could a local mental health help line advise if this would qualify for a forced mental health assessment ('Baker Act')?
I've been close to this for my LO, but home health aides for personal care & housekeeping were accepted. If not, self-neglect & squalor would have ensured & been reportable. With home help, everything now works well.
Is that another avenue? Getting more help in your home? Or are you done & want separatation? (Gosh I would).
If any of the times we confronted her about telling everyone terrible untrue things about us, for example, had resulted in any change in that behavior, I might have believed there was something to salvage. She didn't, and I don't.
I believe she deserves the best care and I hope someone can convince her to get it, but I just can't do it anymore.
You can't blame her. Once they move into your house these types of elders are harder to remove than a tick on a dog.
You are going to have to formally evict her. I see below you have started and filed the paperwork. Where she goes from there is your mother's decision once she is served the notice to vacate your property.
Yes even though your mother is a nasty piece of work you might start to feel guilty and feel bad about evicting her. Especially if she is behaving herself and not acting out.
My suggestion is to write down the reasons you want your mother out of your house and keep reading those reasons over and over, every time your resolve to do this waivers in any way.
This is why 99% of the time people on this board warn others not to move in with their elderly parents or move them into their house. The smart ones heed the warnings. Those that don't and decide to do it anyway come back later and as how to get said parent the hell out of their house.
An elder turns away from their own children, then looks to nieces/nephews next. (Cousin #1, then cousin #2 & so on..)
Reasons exist why things broke down with their own kids.
Maybe their kids were drug dependant, mentally ill, live in far flung places..? Full of bad intentions. It can happen.
Or, the kids have had a total gut full of an entitled, stubborn, unreasonable tyrant who expects obedience & servitude. THIS is what I have seen, over & over.
"My son/daughter won't do what I want them to do so I'm appointing a new POA".
OK.
My own LO was clear about no longer wanting me involved as I was not willing to be at beck & call, 7 days a week. OK. So be it.
So, to the oldest cousin (OC) the latest 'Chosen One'.
"between you and your mom." She said "Honestly none of this is our responsibility. It's yours."
Well now... It WAS. But no longer.
Mom wanted to revoke the OP's POA - she has that right - so the responsibility lies with MOM as she is presumed competent.
Chosen Cousin can CHOOSE to be involved, or not. Jump in to be the new Helper for an Aunt, or not.
(My take would be, so be it).
It IS of course upsetting, sad, invokes grief at what could have been. Myself I have sought professional advice, legal, social worker & councelling. And it is far from over.. train still on the tracks for now.
Please pay no attention to anyone that focuses on the past, letting Mom move in etc. Who knew? Who has a crytal ball? Anyone?
The past is the past.
Today, you are dealing with the version of your parent you have today.
"Reasons exist why things broke down..." Oh, yeah. My hubs and I were tallying up all the people in my mom's life who have walked away - her husband, her closest friend, many other friends and now her daughter. I hung on longer than others, probably because it was hard for me to see her for what she was.
Love this, I "have had a total gut full of an entitled, stubborn, unreasonable tyrant who expects obedience & servitude." I might need to get that engraved on a name tag.:)
As long as your mom is competent, she is her OWN responsibility.
If she needs a place to live, you are happy to help her find one and have offered that, but she has rejected your assistance.
Your cousin is now what is known in the world of narcissists as a "flying monkey"--well-meaning people who take your mom's word as truth and try to guilt you into fulfilling the narc's wishes
Be aware of that. It seems to be working at making you feel guilty.
https://medium.com/little-red-survivor/three-ways-to-disable-flying-monkeys-5a3d7ba3e000#:~:text=Don't%20let%20it.,refuse%20to%20play%20their%20games.
This one is a bit more technical, but divides the two main types of "flying monkeys".
https://www.narcissisticabuserehab.com/types-of-flying-monkeys/?amp=1
Change the locks as a precaution.
Good luck!
Yes, I won't be surprised when the cousins start calling, but they won't get any action from me. I told them every awful detail and they chose to enter the ring with her anyway. I feel sorry for them that they didn't believe me. They'll see. She'll put on the act for a while, but it can't last forever.
As long as an estranged person has any of their belongings at your home.
Pack it up, put it in a storage unit in her name. Pay the first month, send the key and the bill to cousin's address.
Write this down on a 3 x 5 card to remind you:
"We never imagined it would go this way, and we really never wanted this, but we can't continue this way for the safety, physical and mental health of us or our children."
You have done the right thing by removing your mother from your home. In order for you to maintain your sanity, you need to dissociate yourself from this kind of behavior. Do not feel guilty about removing your mother from your house as this is the only way that you will regain your sanity.
I am so happy that you have done what’s right for you and your family. Now it’s time for you and your family to enjoy your peaceful life which you all deserve.