My mother was never warm and fuzzy to me, or anyone else, but now she is getting rather mean. She says horrible, nasty things about me to other relatives, and then says nasty things about them to me. Is this her true nature showing through after a lifetime of control and restraint? Or is this a new form of personality developing out of her unhappiness and confusion of rapidly worsening dementia?
I’ve been blessed to have the time and the training to become ‘the one’ sibling of 7 who can be the one to care for our mom.
We all have our moments of ‘unkind thoughts’ in times of stress. I am in my sixth year, and our mom became away of her sense of ‘losing her cognitive capacities’ about 9 years ago. She has an Alzheimer’s type of dementia.
She is a kind and loving human being, super caring, and served the public as a Special Education Teacher since the 70’s.
She is entering a new phase of her condition. It includes bouts of anger and meanness and unkind words. It wears on me. And for the first time, I am recognizing that I too expect her to BE NICE. She wants to BE NICE.
If I point it out to her, by saying just BE NICE it only worsens the situation and she will shut herself in her room. This leaves us both sad and is not a good solution.
The emotional body senses and feels the tension. The Brain losses it’s ability to connect to the pleasure centers, mom is losing words to express her other feelings.
so Music becomes the calm centering uplifting thing to Bring us both into a better moment. There is no need for me to ‘point out to her’ - it is better to simply REDIRECT out energy to something PLEASANT. We all thrive more when we find the pleasantness. And sometimes mom finds it more pleasant to become OCD (obsessively distracted rearranging her things).
the OCD behaviors are generally in indicator that she is struggling. One way I can help facilitate her OCD behavior is to have several kids wooden puzzles or kids 60-100 pieces of beautiful pictures or other interesting things. I place 4 different ones on tables tops around the living room.
I will takes apart sections of a puzzle (not the entire puzzle)
Mom engages in putting the images of butterflies or flowers or the planets back together. It takes her hours sometimes. But she always feels calmer and productive and successful.
DIGNITY is restored. And we both become the Nicer version of ourselves again.
Blessings to all for being ‘ The Ones’ - it is not an easy road. I pray this share brings some relief to any others who are in need of ways to REDIRECT the energy towards kinder moments and PEACE in your home.
All that said, do not put yourself in a physically or emotionally abusive situation. Try to create a team with Drs, family members, and other support staff to help you keep your loved one safe and as healthy as possible while also ensuring your own safety.
Now I can see their true nature and objectives. And how they achieved those goals. Through manipulation, derision, mockery, control, suppression, oppression, backstabbing, secrecy, lies, deceit, fear through threats, GUILT.
{{{{{{HUGS}}}}
It can depend on where she is in her dementia. It could be that dementia has profoundly changed her. The more dementia takes hold the more they appear to revert to children - they strike out. It's like they have no filter and whatever comes into their brain comes out of their mouth. Have you ever had a fleeting thought about someone that you knew wasn't true but there pops up the thought. Do you say it - no, because you were able to filter, but you mother appears not to have that filter anymore.
How many dementia people swear up and down someone is stealing their money, their clothes, their whatever; by their children, caretakers, strangers. Yes it does sometimes happen, but most of the time it doesn't happen.
It's unfortunately part of the dementia.
I still smile when thinking of things she would say and do. It’s like dealing with a naughty kid, you never know what to expect but have to be ready and surprised by nothing. Smile when you can.
Her most difficult habit to deal with is a daily thing. Being obsessed with meals, she watches the clock & asks about when the next meal is, even when she’s had one of her many snacks. Always comparing the amount of food on all our plates. After eating, she feels guilty about feeling full & goes into the bathroom to pick stool out of herself, claiming, “How else am I supposed to get it out?” Thus, poop everywhere & hands that need bleach water to get the smell out.
I took her to a colorectal dr to make sure there wasn’t a physical reason for this behavior, & there isn’t. It’s difficult to remind her every time she enters the bathroom to let it come out by itself.
I wish there was a solution, but I don’t think I can change this behavior. She is on Zoloft 50mg, which has helped her anxiety in the evenings.
The other issue is that your mother's brain is broken so she does not process thoughts and impressions correctly, She may have lost connections to happier memories. She may not fully understand what she sees or hears when she interacts with others. When this happens, she comes to inaccurate conclusions. Many folks with dementia can be impulsive so those inaccurate thoughts get verbalized -frequently.
If you notice that your mom is frustrated, anxious, or agitated... she may find that life has become frightening or difficult to deal with. In that case, please consult with her doctor. Having a routine and anti-anxiety medications can help to alleviate a lot of those problems.
When I do this, I remind myself to not take things personally.
Their personality changes because of the disease. It is horrible getting old. Think about how their body feels. The elderly have pain much of the time. Their body does not function properly and they feel useless and feel like a burden to all. To make matters worse, now their brain gets broken.
Best we can do is be informed, be patient with them, love them and try to help them feel useful.
No
Maybe
Some can have personalities change. Some can become violent while others become more docile, kind.
Some remain the same.
With dementia it will depend on what parts of the brain are affected by the damage done.
It can depend on the type of dementia
Often with dementia "filters" or what hold us to the "norm" are lost or at least dropped a bit. This is why someone may become very interested in sex, begin swearing, become violent, begin to steal.
You have to keep telling yourself it is the disease that is causing this change.
If it becomes more than you can handle then getting caregivers to take over for you might be the best thing. In some cases where someone begins to wander or become violent placement in a secure facility is the best course. In some cases medication can help lessen the anxiety that might be the root of some of the triggers.
One lady in particular went to church and that was her "circle of friends". When she got past the obviousness of dementia she would cuss like a sailor and say obscene street words. Everyone was in shock and embarassed. We don't know if she "thought " those things before or if a switch just flipped and she became someone else. It was not medicine related either.