I am on only child, caring long distance for my Mom. Her health went from bad to worse in 2010 after she called me experiencing what turned out to be a brain hemorrhage. I traveled to be with her and care for her for 3 months. She ended up back in the hospital two weeks after I left. Evenutally this led to her being placed into a nursing home. Initially we were set up for assisted living and she backed out at the last minute. There are no friends or relatives to help. She cannot travel across the country. I am unwilling to give up my home and move to be closer to her. I do not travel well myself. I call her every day or so and each day the conversation is the same.She says she wants to get out of there, she hates the people there, the food is awful, she will not let anyone touch her and she wants a place by herself. She has always been somewhat reclusive and because she feels so poorly, I know she is very emabrrassed about how she looks and feels.
I have hired an elder care nurse who is wonderful and sees Mom every two weeks. Her regular doctor felt a nursing home was the best option for her, because she wouldn't let anyone in her home to assist her with anything. She didn't even want me there and had a psychotic break over me being with her. She does appreciate some of the things I have done, but this is not how she pictured her life in her old age. She feels she has been stripped of her life and I have to admit that is probably true.
She is 91, suffers with dementia, behavioral dilusions, develops blood clots (has a vena cava filter to prevent problems), has really bad osteoarthritis and has short term memory issue as well as aphasia. Now she has not let anyone touch her for over a year, and her toenails are so bad, they are grotesque. She has anxiety and depression and paranoia (getting meds for this). They finally got her into the beauty shop to cut her hair and she was very upset that they "violated" her in that way.
She will interact with her roommate and others and she seems to save her worst moods for me. Guess she feels comfortable with me.
Today, was like most. She just wants to die because she is so miserable and she hung up on me. I have talked to the social worker, her elder care nurse, and friends. I wish I could make all her wishes come true, but I cannot in good conscience give her what she wants, which is her freedom and the control she used to have. I am at a loss and feeling overwhelmed and sad. Now I have total control over her finances and all the other things I should have.
Back to my original question.....am I doing enough and if I am not, who will tell me?
Thanks for listening.
It's hard for her to deal with the emotions she has/had? and she's using you as her whipping post (she has no-one else) to relieve her depression. I've often said on this site that understanding the root of mean behavior is part of the solution to dealing with it.
If you haven't already, try to get your Mom some mental health help. She needs to talk to someone about her feelings so that they don't bottle up and vent out on you or anyone else for that matter.
I've been there and understand how YOU feel as the daughter. And a daughter with her own health challenges, at that!
Best advice, take care of yourself first. Get healthy so that you can take good care of Mom. Use as many resources as possible to help Mom (it doesn't have to be on your shoulders alone), and realize that your Mom's health may not be fixable, but she's still alive. She still has wants and desires and goals.
Love up on her as much as possible. I can't imagine myself living in a NH or AFH/AL environment. I hope I never have to. Your Mom may be the same way, and the adjustment may never happen.
Be as sweet to your Mom as you can. Step away when you need the break and foremost remember to take care of your health!
A fellow caregiver on the site has resurfaced this subject/question. Below is a link to this new thread. She has requested some professional/expert advise in which we have sent it to a few of our experts in hopes for their take on this. Feel free to check it out.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/Caregiver-Stress-Unhappy-Elder-why-Revisit-a-post-from-2012-156163.htm
The AgingCare.com Team