How do you judge whether or not you are doing the best you can, when the Mom you love is so unhappy with her life?

your mother should have accepted help in her own home. now youre being guilt tripped because her situation has deteriorated. sounds like homer simpson. " everything is screwed up and its everybodys fault but mine " .
is a sad situation but id suggest getting her back into her own home under hospice care. they even provide extra personal services at 15 bucks an hour. an elders health and well being is greatly enhanced by being in their own home.. the best assisted living arrangement still amounts to a motel room. id be miserable too..

Joyce,
I am experiencing much the same situation, in addition to dementia, my mum is losing battle with cancers. I am a nurse, I have tried to be tough on her, then when I remind myself that mum is fighting an even battle -cancers, my heart bleed for her, she is 87 and had had surgeires for breast and coon cancer. She just had an op for normal presure hydrocephalus due to a fall in a hospital which did not provide non-slip bathmat and she ws there for reversal of her ileostomy. I don't get angry when she behave 'badly' feel sad for her as she had develop OCD resulting from her brain haemorrhage. Yes, I can't change things and make them better for mum , the only thing I feel that I am very inadequate is when mum raised the ? of I am afraid of dying @ times, and at times she becomes really angry with God for not ' tackling the 'devil' that is giving her all the suffering. I still pray and reassure mum that God has His plan for each and eveyone of us, we will need to trust Him. I feel for you and I hope things will get a little better for you as we all love our parents but parenting our mums and dads is much harder than anything elase. God bless Juliek

Joycw-my heart goes out to you. Right now my elderly mother with COPD is living independently in her home. Whatever I do for her though, does not make her happy and has a tendency to complain about unimportant trivial matters. Her emotional neediness and lack of appreciation has brought me to tears. I have come to the realization nothing will ever be good enough for her. I limit my visits and do only the most essential of taking care of her needed care. I have lost any emotional closeness that I have had with her to the point there is nothing but feelings of emptiness toward her. I secretly hope she passes away before she needs constant care. This is a terrible way to feel, but I just can't help how I feel.

VickiG. I know exactly how you feel. You are doing what is best. My heart is still trying to mend since I put my mom in the NH. Last night it seems like all I did was dream about her! Yesterday was a good day for her. Today, we shall see. IT's all we can do, take each day at a time, and cherish and use the good days to the best. Take care, you are in my thoughts....and thanks for the hug!!

Update: My mother is leaving the hospital tomorrow. The Dr. suggested Rehab but I don't want to switch again after a week of Rehab or do a nursing home just yet, so I am placing her in a small assisted living facility near my home where I can check on her frequesntly, visit her anytime, etc. My Mom is so weak and now she cannot bear any weight on her legs. Maybe she'll improve and maybe not. One thing for sure, she is 92 and although I hate to give her up, it breaks my heart to see her like this.

IGloo527: I've been relying on the dr. at the nursing home's diagnosis of Lewy Body Dementia. She hasn't been put on any medication for the dementia other than a sleeping pill. They have given her a low dose of effexor for the depression. Other than her standard pills for blood pressure, thyroid and water pills & potassium that's it. She still has the hallucenations, sees people doing things (like drinking "wine" the other day at lunch)...I had to laugh and ask her why they weren't bringing any to us. lol Mom is so paranoid at the NH. She always tells me how frightened she is. She imagines everyone has something against her. I brought her home for a 3 hour visit last Sunday and she was so relaxed. SHe feel asleep in her recliner. She was very content. She didn't give me any problem when she had to go back, but she keeps telling me how she can't stand the NH. I know I still can't bring her home for good because she needs more care than my body is allowing me to give her right now. It still hurts so bad when she is having a pretty clear minded day and says she can't wait til she comes home. May I ask, has the Exelon pill and Remeron helped? My mom hasn't fallen at the NH yet (she fell alot at home), but they won't let her out of her wheel chair unless someone assists her with the walker. That's where her big problem is, she wants to walk but they are always busy. I think just sitting is getting her more depressed because unless I am there (every day) to walk around with her, she just sits. She looks pitiful when I come in to see her.

LindaGS: I know what you mean.I had no idea I was so tired and that I was like the energizer bunny. Running downstairs to mom every time she called. I'm getting much more sleep, and I still see her every day. I just have to stop feeling so bad for having to leave her in the NH, but like you I did everything I could to keep her at home. My nerves got so shattered I had to be hospitalized myself. This site is helping me though. At least I know there are others who know exactly how I feel. Hugs....

God knows we need each other too. He gives us enough to realize we can not do it alone and it is time to form community.

My mom and I did everything we could to keep her home. This week we moved mom to a board and care for dementia patients. I am so relieved. I feel like a zombie. I had no idea I had become this tired.

VickiG: I do believe that God will only allow us to deal with things he knows we can "bear". He'll also provide the strength we need. My mom raised me to have a deep respect and true love for God, and I try each day to read her a scriptual passage. I have found Phillipians 4:6&7 to be very encouraging to me, especially when I feel like I'm about to loose my mind! Let me know what you think.

My 92 YO mother with dementia is in the hospital now after having a stroke on Sunday. She is in ICU right now to keep her blood pressure monitored because it has been very high. She has been paranoid all day, but after being there all day I left for a while and told her I would be back. She got very angry and started being nasty to me, but I left anyway to get a break from the hospital. After I left she threw some big fit on the nurses there - kicking, biting, pulling out her IVs, trying to get out of bed, cussing, and she told the nurse that she wanted to die, and that Satan was going to kill her. The hospital called me and by the time I got back there, they gave her morphine which didn't even phase her, and ended up giving her Haldol which finally knocked her out. They said she may have had some kind of psychotic episode. Anyway, my father died when I was only 19 and so I've been looking after her best interests since then. She has been living with me and my husband for the past 8 months and we have been taking care of her. She is miserable, ungrateful, mean and manipulative. As I have grown older, I have finally realized that she has been just using me all these years to take care of her. But I am so sad for her misery.
The best I can do is try to keep myself busy, active, and as healthy as possible. I never want to be miserable, or make my husband and kids miserable, nor put the responsibilty on my kids that she has placed on me. i can relate to all of you. I wish we could fix things, but we can't. Each of us will have to make that final destination on our own. There are lessons to learn from our parents and sometimes it is how NOT to live. My mother was a recluse, only wanted just her family and mostly me who has beared the burden for most of my life. It's a wonder that I still have a husband after all these years. It should be a stressful week ahead, especially if she is psychotic after this episode. Her brain is traumatized from the dementia and also the stroke. As my preacher reminds me, God's grace is sufficient, so praying for all of us caregivers for God's peace that passes all understanding. We all need it.

Vstefans: Yes. That was the first thing I thought. This had happened a while back and it was a UTI. After just 2 days on meds, she returned to her old self. I took a urine specimen in the next morning. Dr.said she did have an infection....so she gave me antibiotics. Before I left she was so tired I had her go back to bed. The caregiver came and stayed with her. When I got back, the caregiver said she was still sleeping, but she was very agitated, and kept talking in her sleep, etc. We tried to wake her but I couldn't get a response. The doc said to get her to the ER where they could administer the antibiotic via IV. The ambulance took her and she didn't even know it. All tests came back negative. No UTI, no infection. 2 Days in the hosp, and all her vitals were fine, and all blood work normal. So, they told me there was nothing they could do. I had to either take her home or take her to a NH. The diagnosis of Dementia with Lewy Body was given and/or mini-strokes. After thinking back from the 2 weeks prior to her hospitalization she knew something was wrong with her brain. Twice she screamed for me in horror, not knowing where she was while standing in her kitchen. She told me then "something is wrong", my mind is going. She would quickly recover though. I thought it may have been an acute virus since 3 weeks after being in the nursing home one day she just perked up and was back to her old self. She didn't remember what had happened, but she was total coherent. SHe understood where she was and that she needed therapy. She improved with the therapy, to the point where they kept saying she was doing so well she could probably go home once the prescribed therapy was over. Now, just 4 days ago, she went back to the same pattern. She is confused and very paranoid. Thinks everyone is conspiring against her at the NH, and she thinks she has been kidnapped and they locked me up somewhere. When I walked in her room she kept asking how I got there, did I escape from them? Yet, she knows who I am and still hopes she can come back home. She knows I can't take care of her by myself, so last night she asked if we could just get a "lady" to come and sit with her for about an hour, then maybe that could give me a break. I told her sure, I would check it out. All I can do is console her that once she is well enough I can bring her home and take care of her.This stinks! I love her so much, yet I can't fix this for her.

Naniene - did she get a good medical eval to make sure it was not something treatable like a UTI or something else pretty acute? Totally normal then suddenly very imparied suggests something like that going on. My mom had dementia at baseline, and every single time she had a drastic change it was something medical - once it was a stroke, once an MI, once a bad drug reaction...

It does help to know we are not alone in what we've "inherited". I'm "new" to the dementia scene. I had to put mom in a NH Oct. 5th. Mom (age) 95 was totally normal for her age until Oct 1st. She started seeing people in my house, and slammed the door on her finger and cut herself thinking she was slamming the door on "those three men who were trying to get in". Sure, she would forget things and many times she would drive me a little nuts, but after living with me for 32 years, I guess I was use to i! Now that she is not here II sure miss the way she drove me nuts. At least then she KNEW what she was doing! :-)
Thanks for all your posts......they are helping me cope.

I can also relate to your feelings. I have come to believe that nothing is ever enough. My mother has 24 hour care in her own own home. I visit every day and my brother calls her every day. She has a little dog that she loves with all her heart.
I have paid no less that six thousand dollars to keep this dog alive for her. My in home care bill for her this year alone is sixty five thousand dollars for full time care We have gone through nine care givers. Granted some of them are not her falt . But here are some of the reason. They steal all of her things,, They are wearing her clothes, They are to fat and eat all of her food. They do not speak good english.
The are ugly. The dog doesn't like them , They do not know how to cook, They move all of her things & go though her stuff. and how much she loves him and if she finds out that I am with my kids she get mad and will not speak to me and throws a fit crying and yelling at me. She keep a calander for a wile keeping track at how much time I spent with her compared to what I spent with my own family. We also have my Mother in Law who hates everyone and yells and tells us that she is miserable but will not do anything to help her self. They other day I took her Mexican food for lunch and she slammed the fork down and said why do you always bring me Mexican food. I 've taken groceries to her house , came back a couple days later and she threw them all away because she dosen't want them in her Ref. We pay everything for our parents. Their homes utilities food , medication what ever they need. As long as it is the best you can do. It is enough. God bless you for caring.

Hi Whitney and Igloo572:
Thank you both for responding to my blog regarding my mom. I find it comforting to be corresponding with caregivers who have been through it all!

To answer your question about how my mom's vascular dementia was evaluated--she was examined by a physican who specializes in diagnosing dementia. We are getting a second opinion by a neurologist who specializes in vascular dementia, just to be sure. The physcian told us (after she had an MRI) that she "may" have vascular dementia; and that although there were no changes in her brain, two older infarcts were detected in her brain stem.

The problem that we are having is that she does not display any of the symptoms that patients with dementia/vascular dementia usually reveal. Perhaps that is because she could be in the early stages; that is the reason we are opting for a second opinion. It is really frustrating when you are not confident that your loved one has the correct diagnosis.

From the plethora of research that I have read (including peer-reviewed journal articles), it is sometimes difficult to differentiate between what is dementia and an age-related cognitive disorder, particularly when they are over 80, and when they are diagnosed with depression and anxiety (as in the case of my mom). I could go on and on, although I think you get the picture. What I will say, is that my heart goes out to the patients, their families, caregivers, and health providers who are all affected with this incidious disease.

Thank you for this website, a safe place for us caregivers to vent, communicate, and express, not only our fears and misgivings, but also our hopes and dreams. God bless us all!

Renee -I wouldn't bring her home, imho, the issues that were there before will resurface and it will likely be harder to manage this time. Her dehydration would be a real concern for me, this was an issue for my mom when she was at her home and then in IL. My mom's gerontologist told me that dehydration is the main reason those living at home enter the ER (especially true for males because they tend to do stuff outside more), they get dehydrated, confused and fall. After a couple of days in hospital on fluids, they are totally good to go and then the pattern repeats. Eventually the fall ends in a break then surgery and then into the NH for rehab and then permanent stay. So consider if your mom is this type before you bring her back home.

It may be that this AL isn't the right "fit" for your mom (yep agree with you on that totally). I've shopped IL AL and NH and been through various for both my mom and my late MIL and none are the same. My MIL's first "NH" was such that she was in her own room with shared bath that opened onto a central outdoor courtyard - it was pretty fabulous imho - but she hated it. Activities there were what the residents made it and no effort really made if they didn't participate after overture's were made. My MIL was a most difficult person and aging just made her even more so, which seems to happen for all. MIL was never gonna be happy so really trying to make that happen or finding the right NH was a waste of time. Now my mom went from her home to IL and now in a NH for a couple of years. She is mid 90's too. Her IL was a good fit for her but she eventually got to the point of not being able to manage her meds (bringing about the what would have been manageable paranoia) or eat/drink properly (again this related to not taking her medications) so she went into NH. The first NH wasn't a good fit for her in that she is arts & crafts type and there were no real activities even though they touted that and also for me as they were waaaay too disorganized in their business office or in followup on her care plan and I suspect extreme overbilling to insurance. Her gerontology group disassociated from this NH and I moved her to a new NH where they are medical directors and this NH is really a good fit for my mom. She is ambulatory with a walker. Now her new NH is built on an "x" design with a deep central hub nurses station that looks 360. So it's easy for staff to track residents. My mom is on the ambulatory fall risk wing (they wear neon bracelets that state this). Her old NH was a long corridor with an inset nurses station so they couldn't "see" the residents unless they made an effort and there was no grouping of fall risk from the bed bound residents, etc. My mom is the type to get up and shuffle out of her room to the nurses station and hang and this NH has chairs and open spaces for them to easily mill about with space. there are ladies who park themselves in the same space every day and become the gossip girls, too funny. Also I've found how they handle bathing makes a huge difference - my mom's NH has a 3 person bathing team and the shower is a central in each wing (think old school gym). She is just so much cleaner at this NH than the old one which was a 1 person system in their shared shower. The day nurse told me that the 3 person team is what they do as it provides for enough distraction for the resident especially for those ladies who have issues with private parts - I never thought about it from that perspective as I'm a child of the disco era.

How has your mom been assessed for dementia? My mom saw her old family internist and he was on the ALz drug system and also on prescribing a new med to deal with whatever her complaint was. That is kinda what medical education is about - complaint / analyze / prescribe / cure. For dementia that doesn't work. My mom tore her rotor cuff and in order for ortho to do surgery, she had to be evaluated by the geronotology group at the medical school as orthro was faculty. On retrospect this was a godsend in getting her good health care - she went through surgery fine (at 89) and the gerontolgist did a full evaluation: Folstein & MOST dementia tests, brain scans, psyc eval, etc. It was determined that she had Lewy Body Dementia rather than Alz or vascular. They weaned her off her meds and just onto 2 meds - Exelon pill and Remeron. About coffee tablefull of meds got thrown out. Huge butt difference in her cognitive ability.

LBD is such that they are highly functioning to the end. For my mom, she has episodes which I think are related to a plaque release in her brain (the Lewy Body)
and she will have paranoia or hallucination then accompanied by a visual change with dizziness and usually a fall. It's important to know if it's LBD as most of the depression & psyc meds are incompatible for Lewy and cause big problems.
So ask about how your mom's dementia type was evaluated. Good luck.

Please check the side effects of her medicine. Side effects of some medicines can almost entirely alter one's personality, whether they are 20 or 80. In addition, is she taking a good B vitamin?

Well, caregivers and friends, here is my story. I am a 66 year old daughter who has been a caregiver to my wonderful, loving mother for more than five years. Before that, my mother and I were caregivers to my dear father for nearly ten years. Last April, 2012 (it's now Sept, 2012), my mom was diagnosed with early stage of vascular dementia. A few months ago, we transferred her to an assisted living facility with memory care wing, as I was no longer able to meet her needs at home. Before that, she was admitted to the hospital for a few days, as she was exhibiting strange behavior and becoming violent. Her diagnosis was delirium, caused by low electrolights (dehydration and low potassium level) and vascular dementia. Her psychiatrist told my sister and me that the symptoms of delirium often mimicks those of dementia. According to the psychiatrist, she was cured of delirium in the hospital.

The problem is that Mom has returned to her former self, with few, if any, symptoms of memory loss. The aids said that she is the highest functioning resident; one aid told me confidentially, that she does not belong here with the others. After much research and conversing with her family physician and psychiatrist (who said that with proper home-health care, she would be a good candidate for returning to her home), we are considering a trial basis for her at home. We are in the pre-arrangement process, conversing with social services and at-home care services, and her medical team, before we actually make the decision.

My question is, everyone we talk with (mostly friends and relatives) discourage us from transferring Mom from assisted living to home). I am a 66 year old, single woman, and working on my phd. in psychology; I want to hire in-home health providers, while still caring for her part-time at her home. The main reason for wanting to do this is because my mom is so depressed living at assisted living. She is so highly functioning that my sister and I do not think that this is a good fit for her. I am a mature, well-thinking analytical person who is trying to do what is best for Mom, and not for myself. She is on mild anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication, although is still showing signs of depression. Caregivers, what do you think? Thank you for your comments and responses.

Caregivers are the worst about always second guessing everything we do. Is it enough should we be here or there, say the right thing everytime. I think we all need to step back and realize exactly what a horrible situation our parents would be in. If we for One didn't care, Two, did'nt step up and do what needed to be done, Three, accepting this as an impossible situation and we are doing the best we can. I am going to go back to what I just wrote and read it over and over. On the days I feel useless, helpless and so very alone. We all have to learn to love ourselves as much as we love them.

Thank you Schluede. My Mom is also 91 and I can see we share many things in common. I grew up happy and adored by both parents so of course I want the very best for Mom. Dad has been gone since 2006. My Mom took care of her Mom and eventually she went to live in an assisted living community, and passed away there. Mom took care of everyone else but refuses to be cared for by doctors, nurses etc. Just knowing someone is going through this experience gives me some comfort. As I am in no shape to travel or be of much help to Mom physically, I do try to bring her a little joy on the phone....which is the way we have communicated for over 50 years. There were a few trips back and forth also. Thanks again.

I am dealing with many of the same issues with my own Mom who will be 91 in January. The dementia is the worst part-with severe short term memory loss. Being far away or close to her will not change the situation. it is almost better being far away. It is so hard to watch her slip away by inches and if you were close you would have to watch it every time you visit her. Trust me it breaks my heart everytime i see my Mom now. she was a neat nick her whole life about everything and now she smeels of urine lats of the time. She too is also resistant to having anyone help her bath or wipe or any other personal issues which is likely the source of the urine smell. The adult foster home where we just moved her for more care is doing everything they can to help her but she has to accept the help and she will not. She is still fiercely independent. They found her asleep on the bath room floor 2 days ago-my neat nick mother would have never been caught dead sleeping on a bathroom floor. This diease is just a very hard way to lose a loved one-you feel totally helpless and all you can do is visit when you can and if you can't let her rant at you on the phone. At least she is able to release some of her frustrations with the disease when she talks with you. the hard thing is not to take any of it personally and remember it is the disease talking and not your Mom. It is agonizing though to have to watch the progress of the disease. My Mom also did not have a happy childhood growing up in the depression in Louisiana in a large family so I know as she slips back in time that the dealing with her will only be more difficult as she has to experience those hard times all over again. It is just hard, hard, hard.
I too am an only child so i do know that you feel all the responsibility for her but just know that whether you were close to her in distance or not you can't change what is ahppening to her.

It is late and I apologize for the typos.

I started this thread and to update those following....Mom has not changed. Every and I do mean "every" conversation is the same. She will engage me for a short time (I am grateful for that) and then she lapses into, "I want to get out of this place ( the NH) and get an apartment of my own where I can get back to my old self."

I can't blame her for feeling the way she feels and always agree with her. I have tried unsuccessfully to point out that living independently is not an option. Unsafe to due to fall risk and forgetfulness, etc., not to mention the possibility of hurricanes or problems with people trying to scam her. She doesn't and can't get "IT" due to the dementia. It makes me sick and sad. I also pray that she will pass from this life into the next, not for me, but for her. She seems so miserable in this life but her body has not yet given up the big fight. I sometimes question GOD and ask why and what are you expecting of both of us.

Interestingly, my MIL at the age of 94 began to slip away physically with heart failure and colon cancer. She was very much aware of her situation. She was living independently and didn't like her physical decline. When it came time to make a determination about how her life was going, she had the where-with-all to say to herself and those around her, that's it, I'm outa here. She was gone in three plus days. My Mom on the other hand, doesn't have the mental capacity due to dementia to determine her own fate. I try and tell her it is God's plan and will, only He can determine when it is time for her to die....She doesn't or can't get it. I pray for her daily and hope that she is not hanging on in hopes that somehow, she will have a place to call her own. I would never agree to that arrangement knowing her physical and mental issues.

If she ever got her wish, she would find somehow to end her own life. Tragic and true. As her only child and with no other help I continue to talk to her frequently. I sure didn't picture our lives like this. Makes me want to make sure my kids don't have to feel this enormous pain. Enought already. Hope all those reading these posts fine some comfort and peace.

Wow!!! Can I totally relate to everyone here! Only child, mom in NH due to terminal cancer and only 68. I could win the lottery, drop 50 lbs in a day, gave gourmet catering and she would STILL complain. She is still in the denial phase. She is 95 lbs if that. Narcissitic as the devil and yet refuses to bathe most of the time. Refuses medication other than tylenol and vitamins, has a horible wet cough from the lung cancer. Daily shreds me, my spouse and even her own grandchildren apart.
It is extremely painful, but I have had to realize, nothing I try will change her. If she got well, she would at least bathe, but the verbal denigratition would continue. It may be wrong, but knowing the gravity of her health situation, I pray one night soon she slips away where she can find peace....

I spoke with the night nurse at my mom's assisted living home last night as mom has been telling me that she isn't sleeping at night. The nurse confirmed that mom is up most of the night, refuses to change into P.J.'s and basically sits up most of the night then dozes during the day sometimes. They are going to try Melatonin (I tried it on her didn't work) and if need be get something stronger from her doctor. While it does bother me that she is having a hard time getting use to living there and is sad a majority of the time, I also know I couldn't have continued caring for her at home. I wasn't getting any sleep, having to work all day then come home to do it all over I was starting to resent her. I don't want to waste whatever time I have left with her being upset. It is hard feeling guilty but I know this is the best place for her at this time in her life.

It is guilt. We are inadaquete to read their minds and prevent their decline.
Mom got me to take her to the emergency room for a second opinion on Monday night and i think it was a wake up call that she worries when she does not feel right and I am not focused on her. But I have other things to do and think about.

If you look in the mirror every night, and can honestly say you did the very best you could... then you KNOW you did a great job! Caregivers are constantly very hard on themselves. I know I always wanted to do more and often wished I was a robot, so I did not have to eat or sleep in order to do so. Trust me, if you can answer the first question in this little entry, you can rest peacefully and welcome a new day without guilt

Wow, we could be a group of guility girls couldn't we? I just had to place my mom in an assisted living/memory care facility. When my brother goes to visit she is in a fairly decent mood, the aides say she is slowly but surely joining in, eating well and sleeping well. When I come in, it's oh thank god your here, everything that could be wrong is wrong. I think it is because mom and I lived together and I took care of everything, made her feel safe and basically ran her life. Now I think that she is giving me a bit of a guilt trip as I have always been the softer touch than my brother. Bottom line is only your mom can decide if she is going to be happy, just like only my mom can make that choice. You're doing the best can.

JoyceW: I think you have done a super job looking out for your mom. You have covered all the bases and then some. That's all you can do and you've done it well. Cattails

Thank you, vstefans, for your thoughtful response. I am still struggling with my decision to move Mom into a nursing home, but it was the only option I had at the time I did it.

Hind sight being 20/20, I should have somehow convinced Mom to move close to me back in 2006, after Dad passed away. She was in reasonable health then.....but I didn't and in 2008, when I tried to convince her to move, she flattly refused to think about it. At that time we discussed assisted living, but she was quite snug in her little home and doing pretty good, still driving, and taking care of herself. I did notice the onset of dementia at that time but she was stubborn and managing.

Two years after that, after two brain hemorrhages, she can't drive, and it left her with speech problems and almost no short term memory. The doctor she was seeing at that time and every doctor subsequent has the feeling that traveling over 3,000 miles by any mode of transportation would be difficult, if not impossibsle. She gets blood clots quite easily (she has a vena cava filter in her chest to catch these, hopefully), she has high BP, won't let any near her to examine her or even trim her toenails. She says her heart is bad....but as far as I can tell, she is not being treated for heart disease except for the BP meds. She is on two depression/anxiety medications which levels her moods a bit.

I have this fear that, if the doctors said, Yes, she can travel and I can manage to somehow get her out of the NH she is in, she would decide at the last minute to back out and pitch a fit. She did this after we had everything signed and ready for her to move into an assisted living complex. She found a way to back out by going into a deep, dark funk. She wouldn't talk to me and her personality took a wierd turn. I know it was fear driven. I let her back out and left her to fend for herself. That only lasted a couple of weeks and she was back in the hospital and subsequently moved to a NH.

I'm not getting any younger, which everyone on this site can relate too. I am in constant pain from arthritis and have a husband that needs my attention. I don't like to fly either. Mom chose her life a long time ago, and yes, I think I would feel better if she was closer. I am coming to terms with all of this, but it is on my mind 24/7. I pray a lot.

Quite honestly, in a perfect world I would love her close to me, cause I feel I have no control over her care. I tried to set up the best care for her, but it is not what she wants.

I also felt I could not move to be with my mom, and travelled 900 miles every 6 weeks or so for a couple of years. I moved my mom to live by me once it was absolutely clear she would never be able to return to her own home and live as she really wanted. Yes, it got us a few sweet memories that would not have happened otherwise, a little better control over and possibly a little better medical care, and yes, it meant I was with her when she passed on. Did it take a year off her life (maybe) and did it take her away from a place a little more to her liking, and a few friends who visited occasionally where she was (yes, but they were not visiting as often any more...) and will I ever know whether my decisions were really right or not (no)?

But, all you can do is think, pray, and make the best decisions out of love in your heart and perspective for the big picture. You wil not make Mom over into a happy person if she never was, and she will never be happy with accepting that the best part of her life is over (let's face it, aging and infirmity sucks) and she might or might not be able to let you make her life a whole lot better. If what she's got is nothing but misery, you might not make it any worse by taking a chance on moving her as long as her medical people think she could handle the trip. You might be able to do a few more things that would make her more comfortable or a tad bit happier that way. OR, it might be very clear that moving her would only make a bad situation worse after you think it through and collect a variety of perspectives from others you might trust.

Few people would have the nerve to tell you "if you aren't doing enough" except maybe someone who took their loved one home and really feels that anyone using a care facility is just wrong...met someone like that on here, and it wasn't pretty, even though the person was actually writing about how awful their own situation was to start with!