My husband is 83 years old and I am 70. My husband is severely Bi-Polar, severely Paranoid, and a Narcissus. (No, I'm not calling him names. I've been getting counseling because of all this).
I planned to leave him in 2014 but he had a heart attack so I stayed. In 2015 he was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer Stage IV M1a and so I stayed. In 2016 he had an Aortic Aneurysm and so I stayed. This year his PSA has gone up and hormone treatment for his cancer is not working. He has an Ejection Fraction of between 30 to 35%. He can't walk very well but refuses to use a walker or wheel chair, but I've stayed.
When I go out anywhere without him he thinks I'm going to be kidnapped. He also believes doctors are trying to kill him and believes they killed his deceased wife.
He still is an intelligent man when he can be, it's just his paranoia that gets in the way.
He has had every test run on him known to man. No Dementia, but has had several strokes, bleeding of the brain but he's okay that way of the brain.
His test show his heart is doing okay. Stable. Nobody knows yet why his PSA levels are still rising, test results in December will entail what to do next if they continue to rise.
In the mean time, my husbands Paranoia, Bi-Polar and Narcissistic behviors on top of all that I'm dealing with in regards to his other health issues is taking it's toll on me.
His condition monopolizes my life. On top of me not really wanting to be here, I stayed because I feel it is the right thing to do.
Now I find he is getting very aggressive when I tell him no we can't do this or that. The other day when we were at a restaurant and I told him no regarding a matter, I thought he was going to come across the table and beat me to a pulp. The first time I've seen such aggression from him. He's pretty mean spirited but has never been that physical with me. Has grabbed my arms in the past, but never that aggressive.
I'm thinking about putting him into a Nursing Home, but as I've said. He still is an intelligent man. He just can't walk well. (He does have some loss of memory, but all test results show he's doing fine.)
What is my options of putting him in a Nursing Home? What is my options in leaving a man 83 years old with all these illnesses? Would I be abandoning him? He has 3 boys in the late 50's and 60's who he has nothing to do with, but they try to still have some relationship with their dad, but he just doesn't want any part of that. He just wants ME. I never get a break! He takes away my joy, my independence and life.
So, I've spilled my guts out on here about the bad and the ugly. But I don't know what to do or who to go to from here. My Counselor tells me to get out of the house and get a job. Well for one thing, I'm 70 years old and am almost deaf. I have a good education and went on interviews, but whose going to hire a 70 year old woman?
Any suggestions?
Because I am low income, the rent in regular apartments are as high as my income. However, I have enough money in my savings to pay for other things for a year or two, but that's all. Even though my animals are old, they may live longer than two years, and then I'd be in a bind.
I did talk to someone in another Senior Citizen Apartment in the same city and they too said only one pet, but I told them that my animals were old and they wouldn't be around too much longer and she did tell me, in a hush hush type of voice, that they probably would allow me to have my two pets. But the waiting list to get into this place could take a few years.
I do love myself, believe me, however, sometimes, a breathing living soul, (and animals are a living soul) when it comes to being tortured or mistreated, has to come first. I can't deliberately walk away from her knowing what will happen to her.
She loves me so. She kisses me all the time. I get the love from her that I don't get from my husband or family. We play, she gets her toy for me when I come back from shopping. She can't wait to see what I have in the grocery bag. Is their a special treat for her. (She's already licking her lips). She waits with great patience to see what's in the bags.
After she goes outside to do her business, if I don't give her a treat as a good girl when she comes in, she will stare at the treat bag on the coffee table, (Standing as stiff as can be, like a bird dog pointing at the bird on the ground), until I give her a treat.
She is funny, she is sweet, she is the love of my life, along with my cat who thinks she's a dog. My cat sits up like a dog. Every time you look at her she's sitting up or laying on her back. She is over weight and is very spoiled.
My cat is everywhere I am. If I go to the bathroom, there she is. If I go downstairs to the living room. There she is. If I go into the kitchen, there she is. She never let's me out of her sight.
If I don't see her for awhile, I will call her name, and I will see her peeking around the corner to see what I want. And I'll say, oh there you are. If she can't find me, she comes looking for me, on the rare occasions we aren't together.
You see these animals are not animals to me. They are my family. They give me what no other human being gives me, because my family lives very far away from me, so I have nobody else but them.
Could anyone walk away from their children knowing that they would be left in an abusers hands?
I can't. They are my family. They are my daughters. They are everything to me.
Arwen31 I will keep looking. I may try to get a doctors note stating that I have to have these animals, and see if this Senior Citizen place will make an exception that I have to have both. I think that's a good idea. My Primary Care Doctor, knows what I've been going through, I think he will do that for me. Then it will be up to the apartment complex.
Thanks for your love and caring for me on this site. At least it's a place for me to talk about it. Remember, these apartments haven't come open yet, so I have to stay, right now.
You're to be commended for not leaving your pets. I wouldn't, either, and when at first you talked about leaving Munchie behind it was heartbreaking. I wish more people were as kind to animals as you are.
Eventually the Old Goat will be gone and you'll be free.
Nancy
As regards leaving him, well I suspect you have a lot of guilt in that matter, wedding vows all that 'through hard and good times' etc. But as we live in a time of more free will and choice, we don't have to adhere to those unspoken rules of sticking by your man. But at the same time it sounds like his behaviour is down to his health so HE must be still in there somewhere. In regard to asking for advice, only you know what you will do. But Whatever decision you make Don't feel guilty, no one signs up for treatment like that. And you deserve a life too.
Ditch your counsellor and buy this book instead. Feel the fear and do it anyway. By Susan Jeffers. Its a great book which will give you strength.
Are there any carer support groups nearby? Be strong and good luck.
You’ve already begun your journey to peace and freedom by inquiring about housing for yourself and beginning to make a plan. You just need accurate information to act upon. So see a lawyer, talk to any senior housing or services center personnel in your area (or somewhere a distance away). To me, my first stop is always my lawyer. Have your questions written down and ready. A lawyer is NOT a therapist. You can do it, stay focused, try to avoid sinking back into that sea of despair!