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If you have the legal authority to act without your sister you can move forward with the sale. Are you the executor for the estate? My understanding is that POA stops after the person is deceased. Then the executor manages the estate. If there is no will or executor the estate would go to probate.
I am so sorry your sister is not talking to you. Sadly, this happens so often. Everyone has a different response to death. I always thought families come together in love and support. In realty some do but many do not. Good luck wrapping this up so you can move on.
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Dear Sad,
How does the POA read?
My brother and I are dual POA , and it reads one OR the other.
Meaning that we can do things independently of each other. I don't need his cooperation to proceed with my Aunts buisness.
Fortunately for me, my brother has been completely hands off.
I suggest you do exactly what you're attorney tells you to do, but it may be that you can keep moving forward without your sisters input.
Best wishes
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Sadexecutor Mar 2020
We couldnt do an "or" because we dont trust each other.
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Continue with needed plans. Set aside any thing she was considering, and be careful include a list of anything else she might want or need.
Maybe it would help both of you to write down what you would have texted or said to her as you go in hopes that she will eventually read it.
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Sorry to hear about your situation. It seems to me the matter is about sentimental value, resale value, and control. Your sister clearly wants all the control and all the items with high resale value.

Since everything is to be shared between you, the best bet is to have everything evaluated by appraiser. Make a list of all items in the home and an estimate from a realtor about the house's proposed sale price. Then, let your sister know how much "value" she can expect to receive. Send her a second list of all the items you would like to have. She should do the same. It would be easier if she would agree to arbitration for any items that both of you want but can't agree upon. Otherwise, the items in contention should be sold. Another option is to "buy out" the other sister's share of the item since it appears that resale value may be a motivation here.

I would suggest selling the house rather than living in it. Your sister may demand rent from you since you are delaying her getting her share of the house's value.

Your sister may claim that you should pay her rent if you don't sell the house to cover her portion of the value she won't get for awhile.
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disgustedtoo Mar 2020
"Your sister may demand rent from you since you are delaying her getting her share of the house's value."

My understanding is their mother is still alive, living in some kind of AL.

Until their mother passes away, NEITHER should be getting a dime from the sale of the home. Living in it would solve the insurance issue, but if mom needs the assets for her facility, it should be sold and the net set aside in a trust or account for MOM. Until mom passes, technically she still owns EVERYTHING, house, and contents. Bickering over items before mom has even died seems incredibly petty.
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No no no - the answer is to see whether enough to pacify her is workable-with, your incentive being that you will eventually get to the point where you need have nothing further to do with her, ever.

It's more of an NLP approach. You begin with the premise: "all behaviour has a positive good intention." Sometimes this can be challenging to accept: e.g. my sister thinks what ours is hers, and what's hers is nailed down, and what could possibly be her positive good intention in this?

Her positive good intention is multiple. E.g.

Mother's possessions go to the most deserving person, who appreciates them properly and has the taste to give them the home they deserve.

If everybody claims what they want, like her, it makes settling the house clearance straightforward. She takes what she wants, that's fine, all done. How could the process be any simpler?

It is a point of principle, to be upheld at all costs.

She is to be proved to be in the right. Again. As always.

And so on - you can add your own, I'm sure you'll do a much better job of it than my guesses.

But your positive good intention is to get the house contents out of there so that you can get the house prepared for sale and sold. Anything that gets in the way of that you want to go round, and not allow it to divert you unprofitably. So she's being a **** about the ornaments? She couldn't bring herself to share a single bauble? Fine! Not worth ten seconds of your time.

Alice's helpful correction below about the household possessions' being exempt items for Medicaid assessment purposes applies, does it? - that's so where you live? In that case, WHY oppose your sister? What do you stand to gain? If you'd set your heart on owning these objects before, or if your mother had expressed specific wishes, it would be different, you might well need to take a stand; but as it is - you don't.

In opposing her, your positive good intention has changed. You're now not trying to get the house cleared, you're attempting to correct your sister's bratty behaviour and make her be less awful. You have allowed yourself to be distracted from what is actually important to YOU. Why even bother to notice her grasping if it isn't necessary for you to do so?

She is running around shouting "MINE! MINE! MINE!" You aren't doing that; but in blocking her and saying "no not yours put it back and don't be so unbelievably selfish" you are nonetheless joining in her Competitive Siblings game, and that is stopping you getting on with the useful purpose you want to accomplish.

Refocus. What gets the house cleared quickest and with least trouble?
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Sadexecutor Mar 2020
My sister's behavior has been rewarded all her life. My mother did not know how to handle how mean she would get when she couldn't get her way so she just gave in. I will not reward her bad behavior. The attorney said that if there is no agreement then everything gets sold. Period. Done. It might just be that for the first time in my sister's life she was told NO .
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Have you tried mediation? This would cost a fraction of what a lawyer charges. Does your sister speak to the lawyer? Do you? Do you intend to sell the house? Have you made a list of any items you would like to have and keep? Has your sister? The house is one thing, the items are another. if nothing has sentimental value to you, they may to your sister. An appraiser cannot put a value on sentimental feelings. Maybe it's worth it to seek a good mediator if your sister agrees to one. Have the attorney select an appraiser, not you. You haven't given enough details to render advice. Read your trust and/or your will several times. Perhaps there is a provision in them that can help you.
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Sadexecutor Mar 2020
To have my sister do anything as a joke. I have done all of the cleaning, trash hauling, maintenance of the house and recently spent six hours going through drawers laying things out for the appraiser. She came in marked everything she wanted and left. She has never lifted a finger to keep the house clean or maintained. She walked out of the meeting with the attorney and hung up on him later in the week. The house doesn't even need to be sold. We agreed that I would live there for a couple years and then probably have to sell it. She got mad because I wouldn't let her take a bunch of mothers expensive things and the deal was off because of spite. It is so sad to see this beautiful home sold and give up any last family gatherings. She is an angry impossible woman when she doesnt get her way. So sad.
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I think there's missing information here. "Deducted from her inheritance"? That seems a bit nickel and dime-ish for two sisters to be confronting...and to pull an attorney into the mix for mere stuff, regardless of its monetary value, seems like there's other issues here that readers cannot/will never understand. If the two of you are POA, then you should talk it out. If the relationship is so toxic that you can't talk, then, I guess, you gotta get attorneys involved. Have your attorney contact her attorney with a possible date for the start of the clean-out and see if that will start some movement.
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Sadexecutor, it's the Christmas baubles that are making my heart sink to my boots. They did in the last post they were mentioned in, too.

*Really*? Christmas decorations?

I'm sure they are lovely. I'm sure that, for Christmas decorations, they cost an arm and a leg when your mother bought them. I'm sure they are very precious to both you and your sister, for all sorts of aesthetic and sentimental reasons.

But, but, but...

Worth all this? Are they?

Of course your family won't be alone in this difficulty. Thinking back through the root causes of dramatic family feuds I personally have witnessed, often involving very substantial estates indeed, they include:

a Spode Italian Garden butter dish with a blue (not black) maker's mark, which made all the difference;
a small accounting error and dispute about whether to bother correcting same;
a beaten-up old kitchen table.

In each case, both sides had merit to their opposing arguments. With the butter dish, one person already had one, while the other didn't, but the dish already owned was of more recent manufacture and therefore less prized than the mother's; both parties were Spode collectors in a humdrum domestic way but one was the testatrix's daughter and the other only a daughter-in-law, and mother had said (informally, not part of the will) that daughter was to have the Spode. This raged on for MONTHS, if not years. Immoderate things were said on each side about the other. I don't remember what happened in the end - it would have served them both right if somebody had dropped it. I do know I got very tired of hearing about it, and felt disappointed in my friend when somebody else later gave her a whole collection of Spode and she stated she'd rather have it smashed than let her SIL get hold of a single saucer. Nope, still not over it, then.

So - so what?

The trouble with estates (or potential estates) is that they mix quantifiable and unquantifiable values inseparably, in the shape of pre-loved objects, just at a time when people are looking for a fair division of property, AND at a time when people are under very painful emotional pressure to begin with, AND at a time when historical differences and disagreements and grievances tend to get dredged up. It can become a terrible, damaging mess.

Can anybody in the family ask your sister what it would take to smoothe her feathers and allow her to carry out those tasks she agreed to perform? What does she want *now*? If you can find that out, at least you'll know what shape of obstacle you have to get round to fulfil your POA responsibilities without more of this palaver.
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Sadexecutor Mar 2020
The the answer is to give her everything she wants or she will throw a tantrum . That's just her personality. It was not only about Christmas ornaments it was about an abundance of very expensive items that she felt entitled to and I had to tell her no. That's what started everything. My mom was a collector of many beautiful things and her Will stated that everything was to be shared. When I stated this to my sister she just got even more angry. It is just the weirdest thing to deal with. I am a very simple person and my sister is extravagant beyond her means. For her to demand three big boxes and not be willing to give me 1 simple ornament as a memoir is beyond selfish. To claim thousands of $ in furniture and collectables as "hers" is pathetic. Everyone is afraid of her so I've handed the situation to the attorney.
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For one, you cannot treat this situation as business as usual. Things like these are sensitive matters especially for those who have unresolved issues.
The thing that you could do is practice being patient and kind.
Since you are able to see the bigger picture aside from the emotional perspective, initiate a personal conversation with your sister.
We are both in the same situation, and I cannot do anything since I am the youngest of six and all my sister's doesn't even want to talk about it. But, one by one I try to explain to my eldest sister that the longer the delay the more expensive the cost will have to bear.
So far, the only answer I got is silence.
So good luck to you and wish you the best!
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Sadexecutor Mar 2020
Well thank God I only have one sister . You must be going through a real nightmare! You cannot reason with my sister. She has mental illness and has manipulated people and the parents all her life. If she doesn't get what she wants she turns mean. My mother never knew how to deal with it other than to just give her what she wanted. I always tried to stay Pleasant and put up with her. She was demeaning to me about everything I did in my life. In this situation she has become impossible so I am letting the Attorney deal with her. It's going to cost a fortune but she has blocked me from even texting her. She is dual power of attorney and supposed to behave like an adult but is unable to.
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The appraiser can appraise the house the way it is. He/she can come without sister there. Sell it "as is". Then all you need to do is to get any private documents or items that can be stolen out of the house and sentimental items, and leave everything else there. You can see the house first to get any sentimental items and items said above (email sister pics of anything that you think she might want), then your sister goes through the house afterwards.
Then hire a house cleaner to clean windows, etc. so the realtor can take pictures and have potential buyers see the house. And, have gardener clean up the yard. Whoever is buying the house can decide what to do with the remaining items in the house. And, the house can be put up for sale sooner since you don't need to take the time to get rid of everything.

TELL YOUR SISTER THINGS SHE TAKES WILL NOT BE DEDUCTED FROM HER INHERITANCE. The inheritance deduction and keeping track of what she's taking is ridiculous in my opinion. DO NOT TAKE HER OR THREATEN TO TAKE HER OFF POA. Your mom wanted dual POA, so leave it that way. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY AN ATTORNEY IS INVOLVED. Shouldn't this be between you and your sister?
The only time an attorney was involved in our case was the elder law attorney. He never mentioned tallying what we were taking and deducting from inheritance. I guess if I couldn't get a hold of my sister, then the attorney or realtor would be the go between. Is that what's happening? In that case, tell the attorney and/or realtor to tell your sister anything you need to tell her, like,

THINGS YOU TAKE/KEEP WILL NOT BE DEDUCTED FROM YOUR INHERITANCE. SORRY, THAT WAS SILLY! WHEN WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME BY MOM'S PLACE TO SEE WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO KEEP OR GIVE TO YOUR KIDS? SOUNDS GREAT! IF ANYTHING IS OF VALUE, WE SHOULD SELL IT AND USE FOR MOM'S CARE.

WE NEED TO SELL THE HOME BECAUSE MOM DOESN'T LIVE THERE AND I NEED YOU TO SIGN THE PAPERS SO WE CAN GET IT DONE. PAPERS WILL BE COMING FOR YOU TO DOCUSIGN IN YOUR EMAIL. THANK YOU!

More than likely she will be taking things of sentimental value, like pictures. And, if you're there first, you can see what is of value first and leave that aside to sell.
If you decide not to sell "as is," do the following:
1. You go first and clean it for a couple of weeks while she's not there, and then she does it a couple of weeks while you're not there.

2. Anything that can be sold (furniture, etc) should be sold and the money used for her care. Email her pics of anything that she might want to keep.

3. Things like dishes and jewelry can be passed down to grandkids. What can't be sold gets hauled away by a junk hauler or a needy family. In our case, I put anything to get rid of in the garage and back patio, and hired a junk hauler to haul it away and clean up the garage and patio when done. A needy family hauled what was left in the house away for free (mostly furniture).

4. #2-4 do not need to be done if you're selling "as is". Make sure the realtor knows exactly what you mean by this and that you are not going to be cleaning out the house.

5. If you do #2-4, hire a housekeeper to clean the windows, floors, baseboards, etc. after cleaning the house out.

6. Contact realtor to take pics of house to sell.

7. Important papers, pictures, etc. taken from mom's home are in my small waterproof storage shed with a lock on the door in my backyard. I'm going to go through it over vacation. Hope this helped! Good luck!
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Sadexecutor Mar 2020
Sorry miss Rose its not that simple. I have done all the cleaning and trash hauling, maintained the home for months and sis walks in demands thousands of dollars worth of property and threw a childish tantrum when i told her she was asking for too much. She claimed every last glass Christmas ornament and felt entitled to ALL of them, I could not have even 1, plus $$$s in furniture and collectables. She is mean as hell too, and everyone is afraid of her. Our elder attorney was our mediator. She walked out of the meeting and hung up on him later that week. She is a nightmare!
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The attorney ought to have explained that the assessed value of any goods your sister removes now will be considered a gift should your mother need to apply for Medicaid in the next five years, surely. No?

The idea of deducting anything from an inheritance which is necessarily hypothetical seems a bit nebulous to me. Unless your mother is so very well off that not even medical and ALF bills can ever make a dent in her finances - but in that case, can the chattels matter so much?

What's the rush with the sale? I mean, I agree it's not good for houses to be unoccupied (things fall apart, waste of good tax money, etc.); and I can understand that you would very much like to get things tidied up; but if push comes to shove is there anything forcing the pace, such as your mother's needing the funds for her ALF?

Only it strikes me that a period of diplomatic silence from you while the attorney gently reminds sister of the responsibilities she accepted with dual POA, and your mother's best interests, and all that, might give her time to collect herself and start behaving. Can you afford to give her that space?

If you can't (or can't be bothered, which would be fair enough too), you could print the appraiser's appointment details on a piece of paper and post it to her. Put "in haste, with compliments" and your initials if you don't feel it should be as blank as that, but don't add another word.

You can't win, you see - if you're conciliatory, she'll either sneer or try to take advantage and then have another fit when she doesn't get it; if you're jolly or humorous, she'll think you're taking the mickey; and if you're business-like she'll accuse you of being insensitive and having no concept of sentimental value. So don't say anything.

I was toying with putting "FYI" - but DON'T. Sarcastic.

Type the envelope. Then she won't bin it unopened.

Or you could email the appraiser to - hem-hem - "confirm" the appointment and cc your sister in on it.
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Alicew234 Mar 2020
In New York State, personal items in the home were exempt assets. So giving them away is not a problem, at least for New York Medicaid.
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As POA you have to do what needs to be done.
If you are acting in good faith and doing what needs to be done properly and legally it will hold up in court if it comes to that.
I would send her notification in writing Certified with confirmation of delivery, giving her the date and time the appraisal is going to take place.
If you move anything to storage document every item (might even be best if you took photos of everything going into storage.) If items are to be sold notify her of what is going to be sold and when and how. Again certified letters for all communication.
(and I would deduct excess attorney fees from her portion of the estate. But that is if there is anything left since the money raised will be used for mom's care)
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Sadexecutor Mar 2020
Finally an answer that makes sense!
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Your mom must have some expensive items! My brother and I don't talk either. We both took turns cleaning mom's house, no lawyer needed. He came out for a couple of weeks two times and did his thing while I was at work. He could and her caregivers could have taken things that had value I didn't know about, but I didn't care, except for some 100 year old coins I wanted. Who knows where they went? Furniture had to be practically given away. I took all bills and anything that might get stolen, and cleared out her house, except for furniture. Anything left got hauled away by a needy family the realtor knew. I sold a few dishes, a sofa, and mom's tv/stand for $200 total on Facebook marketplace and used it for her care. It sounds like your sister is mad about everything getting tallied to take away from her inheritance. I would be mad too, feeling like there's no trust. My brother took tens of thousands from mom and I didn't take a penny, but if mom passes, and there is anything left, we each would receive half. Is it fair? No, but I don't need mom's money and wouldn't care if she didn't have anything left. Her money and your mom's money and any proceeds from the sale of her property should go towards her care. I wish you the best on this journey.
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If mom is of reasonably sound mind, have her sign papers taking sister off as POA and an updated POA done listing you, only. The lawyer can handle this. Otherwise, put everything into storage until Mom passes where the will will take over.
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If your mom is still alive, then technically if there are items of large value the proceeds from the sale should go toward your mom's care. I'm surprised your lawyer didn't mention this. Is your mom self pay or is she on Medicaid (or likely to need it soon)? If your mom is well off now, her assets can go fast and there may very well be no inheritance. A lot of times sibling disagreements over family property are not about the value of the property in monetary terms but in sentimental terms or in symbolizing parental care for the respective siblings. "Dad loved me more than you . He wanted me to have XYZ." You mention having an estate sale and sister's inheritance--does this mean your mother has passed away? If so, the dual POA arrangement ceases on her death. Are you the sole executor or are you and sister dual executors? If yo uare sole executor it would simplify things and you'd have to proceed as needed even if your sister refuses to participate. If she is a beneficiary in your mom's will, then as executor you'd need to officially notify of her the value of the estate once the house is sold, her share of the inheritance, etc. If you need to put items in storage to get the house cleared out, I think the your mom's estate could cover the costs.
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See if you can try a family mediator. You probably would do better with a mediator who deals with family conflicts or elder care. I saw some examples of elder care mediation on Youtube that I thought were interesting and helpful.

https://www.mediate.com/

If your sister will agree to this, you might at least get some movement towards your goal of having the estate sale.
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Too late now, but an attorney advised us that dual POAs are a bad idea. He, as a judge, probably saw a lot of friction. It sounds like she may be attempting to block any action by you. Check the papers for conditions of the POA, such as no response in 30 days that would nullify her duties as a POA. You could then proceed with the required business. An unoccupied house may only be insurable for a certain length of time. My mother is living and competent, but my sister's inattention to Mama's needs necessitated action on my part.
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Things that have real value of course can not be distributed but very little in the average home has real monetary value, IMO spending thousands on storage fees over what may possibly be many years is completely ridiculous despite what your lawyer is telling you. Is there anyone who can act as an impartial mediator between you?

(When my grandmother died we were all invited to attend her estate sale and bid on any keepsakes we wanted)
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