Good day everyone - I'll try to be brief, but get my point across. My Mom is in ICU, and there isn't much time left. I am her sole caregiver and have been since my dad passed away seven years ago. She has been in a steady decline over the last 3-4 months or so, but the last month has been the worst. Among the issues she suffers from are dementia, thyroid condition, cancer, stage-5 renal failure and some heart failure. Her dementia recently showed a sharp decline and she ended up in the hospital due to not being able to take her meds properly. We got her back to somewhat normal (normal for her) and got her into Memory Care where she was doing well for the first 3 weeks. This past week, the ended up in the ER with what was believed to be an allergic reaction, then showed fluid buildup and now she's in the ICU with pneumonia and the prognosis is not good. I have gone to see her every few days for the last months. However, in the last few weeks, it has been increasingly more difficult for me to see her. She is rarely lucid, and it's like I'm not there or not familiar to her. Now, since she's been in the hospital, the last few days it's causing my so much anxiety knowing that this is the end that I can't bring myself to go see her. Now, I did see her yesterday before she went into ICU and she was barely able to speak, not making much sense, but did occasionally have semi-lucid moments where she would mention people that had passed a long time ago and how she was with them. She even mentioned that her mother, who passed in 1974 was there and said she'd be back for her soon. So, I'm feeling guilty and really beating myself for not wanting to see her today even though I know it may be the last time and also know that she may not even know me or be conscious enough. I also know that up to this point I have done everything I possible could to make her life and transition to the next step as easy as possible for her, giving her the best of care. Am I horrible for allowing my anxiety to let me feel like this? I don't want her to be alone in her last moments, but I don't even know if she knows I am there. Also, somehow I don't think in her mind she's alone. Any advice? I should also mention that I am an only child and have been the only person with any involvement in any of this, besides my wife, of course who has been a wonderful partner and support system for me. The pressure is mounting.
My SIL just passed on Friday and we couldn't go see her b/c she had Covid and was on a ventilator. My DH (her brother) is immunocompromised & awaiting a liver transplant, so neither of us are in any position to suit up and go into such an environment. And, even if we were, I'm not sure we were emotionally equipped to see her in such condition. So the chaplain called us on the phone so we could say our goodbyes to her; he held the phone up to her ear and we each had a turn to say our final farewells. We are at peace with that choice. Perhaps you can speak with your mom on the phone rather than go into the ICU for a visit, or the nurse can arrange a zoom call? I don't know, that's up to you of course.
However this turns out, I am sorry you are going through such a thing. Please don't be hard on yourself right now b/c you don't deserve any added stress. Remember your mom in happy times and cling to that memory. Wishing you peace and acceptance with what lies ahead. Sending you a hug and a prayer.
hug!!!!
We can plan in advance for our LOs passing, the paper work, the funeral, the cemetery arrangements. It's just a check list. But how do we overcome the emotions that always overwhelms us? Guilt ( and you're right, it is self imposed, but it's not wrong, it just is), grief, and the anticipation of her death, regrets of all kinds, worrying you won't be there, remorse, even anger, are all natural feelings we experience. (How many more did I miss). You just can't check off grief, guilt, or any of your emotions. These emotions are uninvited and unpreventable. But they all validate your love and concern for your mom. Without love, there's no grief. There is no one way we're supposed to feel.
You may not be there when she dies, that's beyond your control, unless you can be with her 24/7/365, which you can't. My wife was in a coma 14 days before she died. I got called at 3 AM by the hospice nurse because she thought my wife would die any moment. I spent 13 hours at her side before leaving. She didn't die, in fact, her breathing had improved.
During her coma, I tried to coax her into moving on. As Polarbear states, I, too, was told hearing is the last sense to go. So I told my wife that the Lord was waiting for her. I also told her that her dad, a German immigrant who loved cigars, had a “special” cigar he was waiting to light up to celebrate their reunion. It didn't help. My wife died without me at 10:25AM while I was at church that Sunday morning.
So you may not be there at the moment of death, so make the best of your time when you can. Speak to her, hold her hand, reminisce.
If I could give you any advice it would be a gentle word of warning. However guilty you feel now for staying away, it is nothing to how guilty you may feel later on after she has died. It’s unpleasant and heartbreaking as all death is, and makes us uncomfortable, but go and say goodbye. You’ll never get another chance.
Oftentimes people are taken aback once their loved one has died just how final it is. Of course it is, we all know it is, but it feels different when you’re in the thick of it.
If you can make peace with it and stay away, then stay away. If you think your future regrets may be larger than your current ones, then go and say goodbye.
Take care.
How ever, I don't agree with some of the advice.
Not to say that this happens with every person, but my Grandpa didn't even recognize my Mom who spent everyday all day with him
I had given him a card with a photo of all 6 great grandkids.
My Mom & Aunt were just talking to him as if there was nothing wrong just as they had their entire life
They had the photo & were telling him the names of the kids pointing at each one, he had Alzheimer's for about 2 years & hardly spoke.
He looked at the photo & said something about each child.
He said "that's David & pointed to my son saying he's a good boy"
& then passed away 20 minutes later.
So you see you may think she's not there but there's not always tge case
I believe they can hear you but that's my belief
You have to do what's best for you.
YOU choose how to remember them
Years later when my Mom died I was with her.
Shw was nothing like her normal self but that is not how I remember her.
I hope this helps
I don't know if you believe in the after life. If you do, then be comforted by what your mom told you that her late relatives were there to help her cross over. This is a temporary good-bye. You will see your mother again.
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