My wonderful but stubborn 78 year old mother has always had hearing problems, but never wanted to wear a hearing aid. Her hearing has gotten worse now and every single conversation is two conversations now. Me saying something. Her saying "pardon, I didn't hear you" and me repeating it. This goes on all day long. She does it with my children and with other people. Why? Because she can't hear them.
About 3 years ago she relented and bought two hearing aids. She then took back the one for "the bad ear" (both ears are bad really!) and kept the one for "the good ear" which she then lost and found a few times. She never wore the hearing aid at all except in the movie theater. Her hearing has been noticeably worse over the past few months and I have encouraged, reasoned, begged, pleaded, cajoled, asked her to wear it because she can't hear. Her responses range from "if people would just look at me when they talk to me I can hear them." to "I can hear fine - it's when people start mumbling I can't hear."
Okay people, I know she is in denial. So anyway we went back to the hearing aid center (actually twice in the past month) and the guy there tried his very best to convince her that she has a problem. He tested her hearing. He even compared it to ours so she could tell the difference. He played a sound track on the computer and she saw us raise our hands earlier than her. Still not convinced, he put her hearing aid in and she acknowledged that she could hear the sound earlier. He did everything he possibly could to get her to admit she has a problem. She varied from "there are people in my family with hearing loss when I was growing up" to the absurd, "you are all ganging up on me."
I am sick and tired of banging my head up against her brick wall. Why won't she admit she has a problem and do something about it? Me and my 2 adult daughters, and the guy at the hearing aid center, have all told her repeatedly that this is putting a strain on our relationship with her and to "please just wear the damn thing" but she refuses to.
I honestly don't think that she realizes how many times she says "pardon, what did you say?" etc..,
And God forbid when I might say "Mom, put your hearing aid in" after she says that because she just gets VERY angry and defensive.
Has anyone gone through this?
And what do I say next time she says "Pardon?" because honest to God, she says it at least 95 percent of the time and I am at wit's end.
Yeah, you get the picture.
Peg, I envy you!
I appreciate the doc my mom has as not only does she care about my mom's health (and was my Dad's doc as well) she has listened to ME as the primary caregiver and has heard MY fears. I have to say I am blessed with the best communication between doc's office and myself than I think I have with my own ha ha. This doc is fabulous.
The fear I have (nothing to do with hearing aids but I know I can share this as well): 10/28 my Mom has appt. The goal for the past month has been to gain weight (she lost 15#s in one year~nice for some but she only weighed 115 a year ago) and also to socialize at the local senior center. She has gained NOT ONE OUNCE in two weeks and she REFUSES to go out other than when I or a family member or caregiver takes her. As we were leaving the doc office a couple of weeks ago the doc whispered to me "we will talk about facilities next time". Actually my mom had her hearing aids on that day and didn't hear that at all. I feel this way about the future: should my Mom need a facility for cognitive decline I would be ok with that as it is getting more and more increasingly difficult to repeat, repeat, repeat (disrespect as she won't wear the hearing aids), worry about her health (she doesn't care if she eats why should I?), and and care if she has "friends" (I can't be her only one). One day of NOT hearing "huh" would be fine with me.
I told my mom once that I won't repeat, if she doesn't hear my the first time because she doesn't have her hearing aids in that's too bad, and I definitely will not raise my voice.
I have repeated today...that will stop tomorrow. Please remind me to NOT repeat, as I do click automatically into that mode...like a knee jerk response.
This post has been so very helpful to me. Thanks, Karen for starting it.
Peg
I've been very worried about her memory for quite some time now. Each time I've expressed concern to her doctor, he says shes fine and its normal for her age. Personally I dont find it normal that shes so forgetful and repeats the same questions over & over again throughout the day. I dont know if its normal or not for someone who suffers from memory loss, but she totally dwells on not being able to remember things. It started a couple years ago after my aunt passed away from alzheimers and I know that she feared the same thing happening to her ever since. Not to sound cold but I'm wondering if she's convinced herself that it has, or if she's actually suffering from dementia. Either way, something is definitely wrong.
I do know that she suffering from depression brought on by my siblings who no longer have anything to do with her. Shes also disgusted (her word) with her health problems and not being able to do things for herself like she used to. I've been trying to figure out a way to help her but havent figured out the key to opening that door.
I really wish I knew of a doctor who was more open minded for her, but I know that she totally rejects the idea of going to anyone other then who she has now.
She did go back again yesterday to the place where she got the hearing aids from and another mold was done just in case there may be something off with the fit. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she'll find them to be worth the effort of wearing them this time around.
I use my bluetooth a lot and the other day I realized I can't hear people that are just a few feet away from me because I am used to having a person "in my ear". I know my Mom does fine on the telephone and people a foot away from her but not more than 5 feet.
So maybe, because of my habit of having a person in my ear with my bluetooth I should have my hearing checked. Or maybe I am just used to hearing one way and not another.
I have one professor who has a very soft voice and I sit in the front row and I can hear her because I am interested in what she is saying. That influences someone as well.
I do accept that memory loss has an affect in repeating but I think that we know our mothers well enough to know when it is a game they are playing and something they cannot control.
Also I was going hoarse speaking loudly to my Mom and my Dad told me to stop talking to her. That sounded harsh at the time but he saved my voice many times. God bless him: RIP
I am not trying to be mean but this afternoon/evening repeating and speaking loudly just wasn't something I was patient with today. Repeating makes me aggravated and speaking loudly gives me a headache.
So I will bid you a fine night. Sleep well. Rest your voices! Peg
Please don't take offense when I ask this - but does your mother have very mild dementia (you had mentioned forgetfulness). My mother is now in the moderate stage of dementia but when it was mild, it was just forgetfulness here and there. The reason I ask is that I have noticed with the dementia that there is NO TELLING HER that she is wrong. My mother is always right. Even if I prove the sky is blue, she just gets angry. The reason I am bringing this up (hope I haven't offended you any) is that if there is any possibility of dementia, this might account for her absolute stubborness when faced with the truth.
Unfortunately, I have given up with my mother and her hearing aids. It's very sad that I have given up but I have. I don't talk to her as much as before because I am sick to death of having to repeat the same sentence/s over and over again. If she doesn't hear something I say to one of the kids and she asks me what I just said, I will either say something really quickly to her like "Oh, I just said it's sunny outside"( so I don't have to repeat the whole 4 minute conversation again), or just ignore her question and talk about something else. I have picked the lesser of the two evils. It is her continuous choice of hers to not put the hearing aid in, to the detriment of not only herself but the inconvenience to her family as well. It is MY choice to accept her choice to not use the hearing aid and it is my choice to be inconvenienced as little as possible 0 repeating every conversation, having to shout, having to look at her (so she can hear) when I am talking to someone else is not fair to me anymore.
Not the ideal solution (ideally she'd wear the damn thing), but again..lesser of two evils.
Just in case there may actually be a problem with the aids, we've taken her back to the place where we bought them many times to make sure that all was ok and to see if they needed any adjustment. All except for one time (when she first got them) did he have to make a slight adjustment to one of the tiny tubes so that it would fit better... every other time all has checked out just fine and she comes home wearing them as happy as a lark. But by the next morning we're back to square one.
I've tried every approach that I could think of to get her to cooperate, some being: The sugary approach with lots of coaxing. I've tried by telling her that it hurts my throat because its strained from yelling & repeating the same thing over & over again so much. I've tried by letting her know how much she's missing because she's not allowing herself to hear. I've tried not repeating myself thinking that maybe she'd get frustrated & put them in. I've not mentioned anything about them thinking that maybe she'd put them in if it was her idea. I've had them set out to remind her to put them in. I've offered to put them in for her. I've told her that I miss having our conversations when she doesnt wear them. I've had others who wear hearing aids talk with her and they're encouragement does help, but being that shes very forgetful its not long before she forgets their words.
When I can get her to wear them (which is rare) everything is so much nicer for her... she's more relaxed, she loves listening to the birds, she laughs a lot more, we have great conversations,.... shes overall so much more content & happy. If only she'd cooperate her life could be so much richer. I just wish that she'd understand that there's nothing wrong with the hearing aids, its her attitude about them thats really the problem.
What I really dislike about it when he forgets to put them in is that I have to raise my voice, and that tends to make even the most simple statement or answer sound angry. I don't want to sound angry (unless I really am, which isn't very often.) I no longer repeat myself or raise my voice. If he wants a conversation he puts in his aids. He does this willingly. His problem is forgetting and he responds to reminders. I don't know how I'd handle other reasons, like willful resistance or poor fit (unless I knew that was a problem), or vanity, etc. I just know it makes a huge difference in being able to carry on normal conversation. In a household were dementia resides, any kind of "normal" is very welcome!
OK - you guessed it - that someone is me! :-) I have a high frequncy loss that varies a lot and there are days I just can't wear them, though usually I can put them in and keep them all day - I have open fit and want to try changing to reciever-in-canal at some point so they would also amplify stethoscope sounds for me if I ever need that, as well as being at less risk for moisture damage. Hearing aids can be great but don't necessarily give you normal hearing...I have days where even with them I can't hear worth a flip even after new batteries and cleaning the tubes and all. Also, the first set I tried were not open fit (small ITEs) and gave me a rip-roaring headache in under two minutes, and the guy who tried to sell them to me 1) did not even know about stethoscope adapters 2) did not offer to try changing the. frequency gain curve on them (I know that's probably not the right word, sorry) and 3) THEN had the NERVE to say "I thought you would be more motivated!" Even the open fit that suits me a lot better almost didn't work out, til I got someone to reduce the gain on the low frequenices because mine are actually normal and any amplification there triggers migraines and obscures speech sounds for me. The first audiologist was too worried things would sound tinny. I expalined that all my radios were set to max treble and min bass and tinny would be fine if I could understand speech and stay on pitch in choir.
So, the devil may be in the details - the wrong aid or wrong settings may just not be tolerable. My mom probably had the wrong ones for her and "lost" them repeatedly. Our conersations usually were carried out at about 60-70 decibels. Hey-privacy is overrated most of the time, and it beat getting constantly yelled at for mumbling! I make it a point to control my attitude, don't hide my hearing loss, and don't yell at people for Not Speaking UP (OK, the occasional lecture about not turning away and talking softly as you walk out of sight and then refusing to repeat yourself does not count IMHO - it's Education on Interacting with the Hearing Impaired that I provde free of charge.) and I have *no* vanity problem. My aids are bright red. And I even wear my reading glasses so I can get the right number off my pager most of the time. :-)
Possible solution - get a simple amplifier with volume and tone controls and hook it to headphones, use it just when you are there trying to converse and say its because you have a weak voice today and need to rest it per doctors recommendations. Nice thing about that is you won't technically be lying, because I'm one and I'm recommending it. Audiologist at UALR recommended it to me and once in a while Mom would even wear it. Just not every day...or week...sigh.
To be fair, I have them too, and don't always wear them! Sometimes I react more the the plastic tubing and if I am "headachy" that day, I can't keep them in. I have to have only high pitches amplified, so it took a while to even get a setting I could tolerate. The first two audiologists I visited did not relaly even believe me - the first one accused me of being "unmotivated!" when his latest and greatest technology not only would not work with a stethoscope but gve me a severe headache in less than two minutes. The next one correctly recommended an open fit, but was too worried about making sounds "too tinny" by doing the minimal to no low pitch amplification. And I do hear fine in quiet surroundings or when someone has a strong low pitched voice. But asking sweet young sopranos to do a cheerleader voice full time is not fair either. So I wear them as much as possible, especially at work, and when talking with mom, pretty much just yell. Wish it was easier. Maybe there is some adjustment of the aids that would work, but there's no telling. Especially if an older person can't verbalize what's wrong and be assertive enough to get an audiologist to do a non-standard adjustment, it may just not work out.
"Why didn't you tell me dinner was ready?" "Oh, I did - did you not hear? Sorry but I can't reheat this now!" (Tough love!)
Also, tell her that if she cannot hear people, that most will think that her mind is not good - and wouldn't you rather they think you are hard of hearing, then CRAZY?!
(My grandfather had the batteries lying around all over the house, because he claimed they didn't work - very aggravating!)
Most often I choose number 2.
I have a confession to make:
I don't talk to my mother as often as I used to when she comes over. I see her 4 days a week and spend about 20 - 25 hours a week with her. That's a lot of time! Before, when her hearing was not perfect, but not THIS bad, I would talk to her whenever I wanted to.
Now I don't. Instead my brain says "Okay, you know if you open up your mouth, you're going to have to repeat yourself twice, don't you?" And I have to be honest with you, I may limit myself to saying only the "important" things to her. You have no idea how frustrating it is to say a bunch of sentences. Hear "what?" then have to repeat the exact same bunch of sentences. Try doing this for a few hours in a row and you'll know how I feel!
I feel sad that it has gotten to this point and angry with my mother for letting it get to this point. Her hearing loss did not start with the dementia (a couple of years ago), but her hearing loss did start a couple of decades ago. She could have done something then but decided not to. No amount of convincing or even empirical testing made her believe that she had a hearing deficit...or at least it wasn't as bad as others thought.
To be brutally honest, some hard of hearing people who refuse to wear hearing aids are selfish. Why? Because they make their family suffer along with them.
If I did tell my mother the truth - that I don't talk to her as much as I would if I didn't have to drive myself crazy by constantly repeat myself- it would change nothing. Not a thing. I know my mother. I have tried in the past.
"Oh well if people would just look at me when they talk." "Well, if people didn't mumble when they speak" ...then she could hear them. No amount of me explaining that people aren't going to position themselves right in front of her, with no background noise, and they're not going to mumble or look away for a second when they speak to her, means anything to her.
No amount of convincing/cajoling/begging/pleading/reasoning/asking/demanding/blackmailing etc works.
It seems that there are no answers for me.
Hubby doesn't wear hearing aids to bed, of course. And he has a permanent hearing loss of certain pitches that isn't helped by a hearing aid anyway. That includes the pitch most alarm clocks use. So he sets his alarm, it wakes me up, and I wake him up. Works fine. :)
I need to put in here that I am the caregiver - my beloved was diagnosed with Alz 7 years ago. I deal with the repeat questions as he really doesn't remember he just asked that question. I deal with his speaking in a very quiet voice which has risen in tone over the years too and he is the one I have the most trouble hearing.
I believe I'm not in denial or prideful - I'm too pragmatic. I have not gotten aids because all my friends with mild hearing loss RARELY WEAR THE DAMN THINGS! They are very expensive to be sitting in a drawer instead of her purse when she needs them... I still hear most of what I want to and what is important. I don