Am I supposed to cater to my mother's every whim because she makes me feel guilty?

Heart2Heart, I have the same problem with my Mother who will be 92 years old in August. I won't have time or space here to give you the list of everything that is expected of me by my Mother and Family. You see, I am her only Daughter, I am 64 years old, and I have just one sibling, my brother who is 62 years old. I live 30 miles away, it takes us one hour to get to my Mother's house, if there is no traffic. My brother lives 1/2 mile away, 5 minutes from her house. My Mother is blind in one eye and losing sight in her "good" eye, going deaf, she gets dizzy and falls over, her neck is really bad from osteoporosis, and she has stomach problems. She lives alone in her 3 family house which she owns, and refuses any "outside help" to come in and help her. She refuses to use a cane, or a walker, refused to get hearing aids, did not follow through with the PT for her neck, and refuses to get a Medical Alert system which her Doctor wanted her to get, and will not use any of the reading aids that she got. She does not eat anything all day, just coffee, candy, and sometimes toast. She is only 80 pounds. She will not go to the Senior Center, or anywhere else for socializing, so she is isolated most days. My middle daughter is going to be 40 years old, and my husband and I and our other Daughters are planning a nice party for her at my house. But, my Mother insists on having it at her house. She wants to do all the food shopping and all of the cooking, and it's food that we really don't want to have for the party. My point is, it is impossible for me to say "NO" to my Mother, without feeling terrible guilt. She wants me to do things her way all the time. My brother never feels guilty at all, if he is busy - he just tells her that he can't help her, period. My worst nightmare is that my Mother loves to go shopping at the Mall and buy lots of stuff that she does not have to buy, needless to say that when we take her, it takes us hours and hours just to walk from one store to the next. Since she will not use a walker, or a wheelchair, we have to hold my Mother's arm, and we have to walk like snails. And, my Mother takes a magnifying glass with her because she has to look at the price tags herself, instead of us. I can't tell you how exhausting it is. I have a heart problem and get tired easily, plus other health problems, but my Mother and brother don't care, and never even ask me how I am feeling. This situation has been killing me. However, my husband and I have stopped going to her house every week, it is just too much for us, and the Family really told me off. But my husband has had many health problems too, and the driving is too much for him. Example, he almost died from a liver and blood infection, and my brother never called me to ask how he was doing. So, the point is, I am going to say NO more often, and I know that I will just have to deal with my Mother's anger.

One of the hardest tasks a 24/7 family caregiver of parents has to do is make considerations and decisions without the guilt or recriminations. You know what can be done and limits become barriers with advancing age and that's just reality. I have had to learn to say "no" and stick with it both to my father and others who never visit but are full of terrific ideas if only I'd carry them out. There is a time in the wind to be wheat and a time to be an oak. As to the "not married" comment, my response would be, that's why I can be here to take care of you. I've been doing 24/7 care for over three years. As in a marathon, you hit the wall several times and come out stronger. All I can say is, being the adult in a parent-adult child relationship is tough, but it can have its rewards.

Jessie -you may be referring to me as well as others. I think of Lisa who was in a desperate situation and with encouragement from people on this site, she found a way out. I this there are always alternatives. Is there a price to pay? Of course. But there is a price to pay for leaving things as they are.

NJCinderella, you got it. I was in therapy because I believed I had no rights. My therapist told me it was time I said "No", I couldn't, it took me three weeks to say "no". Each week he would ask me did I say "no", and I would say I just couldn't. It was like the world would end if I did. Finally, I did and it was the most freeing thing in my life. But, for me, I wouldn't have been able to do it with out professional help.

Heart2Heart, I think if it were me I would tell my parent very nicely & in a non-confrontational manner that I am going to be there helping out less than I have been. When they ask why, I would tell them 1) it is getting to be just too much for me physically, mentally, emotionally & financially (whatever applies to you), 2) that for my healthy sake I need more time away from the stress of it, 3) that I need time for my own life & other family, & 4) because obviously she is unhappy with the things I do for her. I can't do things good enough to please you. I would lay out a schedule of day(s) and times that I would be there to help out & tell them that my sibling(s) need to help out more &/or get some help hired for when I can't be there. I would tell them that I love them dearly, but I have to think about my health & my family also. I can be a better caregiver when I'm with you if I have been having time to relax, get enough rest & have time with other family & friends. You need time to re-fill your love cup. I would give her a date at least 10 days to 2 weeks into the future as to when this will begin so there is time to get siblings or someone hired on board. Then stick to it. Even if a person is single, they still need time to re-fill their love cup of energy & to have time to reflect on things a little every week. Being at someone's beck & call does not make you a good person in itself, just like not being at their neck & call 24/7 does not make you a terrible person. It makes you human & shows you have needs just like everyone else. Tell her you must have a healthy balance in your life. You could always call her on the days you are not there & check on her. It is time to sets some limits & for you to live your life. Right now you are living her life, so to speak. Go to lunch or dinner with a friend or a movie ever so often. Make regular time weekly to be with other people. Volunteer a little somewhere if you like. Just live the other time away from her & enjoy it & hopefully when you go back to help her things will look a little better. My heart goes out to you because I was a 24/7 caregiver to my MIL for awhile & not a soul would help out to even let me have an hour or two for dinner with my husband. I had to stand firm & it was hard because it was my husbands family. He wouldn't stand up for me & it caused problems between us because I was so hurt that he wouldn't. I learned some valuable lessons in the end. Good luck & God bless you.

I agree with all the other posts. I would tell brother that he can pay for: a LIMO, or other means of transportation, a TRAVEL COMPANION, and pay for the tickets, etc. If brother does not want to do this, I would - truthfully - tell mom that he doesn't seem to want her there. If she does go, be send either photos of mom with her difficulty - or a video would be even better.

As for her thinking less of you for being single - tell her that seeing the dysfunction in your family makes you grateful that you are not married!

And while she's gone, turn up the music, dance around the house and do whatever you have not been able to do with her there.

First, thank you everyone.
Any way I look at things in my situation, my life will never be the same. No one in my family will listen to me (period). I feel that through these 11 years of trying to help my mother (and family be closer), it has torn us more and more apart. I have to accept this... And, I finally do... I've lost hope, faith and reality. Sometimes, I feel like a robot just going through the motions. I know... Sad... And, I know many of us wonderful caregiver's have lost a good part of... So much... Finding myself again is another thing... And yes, I've seen numerous counsellors... You can't replace your parents or the family you grew up with... Just trying to maintain at the moment because I still have to...

When I'm feeling down, Heart, I remind myself it is only because of some stress I'm facing that day. I know I will feel better on the other side of the stress. It sounds like your mother is a bit of a bully. It is so hard when your no's are not respected. I do think you need to stick with your no on this trip.

We hear a lot about how caregiving can be rough on marriages. We don't hear as much about how hard it is on single people. When you're single, no one has your back. I know it would be mighty nice to have that support person. What would be even nicer is if your mother had a friend who would take her to see your brother. That would give you a break.

Really, though, I think your brother should come visit. I mean, it is his mother, too. A lot of children don't care, though. They will show up for the funeral and that's the only time. Sad.

Your're right Jessie

Ditto Jessie. You are spot on.

my mom spent years in retirement driving a couple of states to visit my sister and her kids, and to my knowledge got very little of that in return. now that i have had to move her across country to keep her out of a home near my sister, she wants to see the kids and i have told her that it up to them to come visit. she snorts at that, knowing full well that that is going to be a cold day in a hot place. we'renot the only siblings either, and it's pretty much the same story, they just have so much life to be living i guess. i have lost my job and she is quite often very difficult, fussy baby syndrome i call it. i have driven her across the country twice, no way in hell will i go through that again. i saw more cops and more hospitals than i have in the last ten years of my own life. i almost thought i would take her across the state to see another sister, but have changed my mind. she can come here too. as soon as i said so, and offered to pay for her trip, my sister said she would come in a couple of months and pay her own way as well. we'll see, but i'm not holding my breath! meanwhile, deep down mom knows the truth, that's why she has accepted living here with me. i hope this share helps.

Just want to thank everyone for your input which has helped me know I'm not insane in my decisions in caregiving. I hope everyone is having a good weekend... You all mean so much to me... My caregiving family.

Heart2Heart, Thanks for checking back in because I was just going to ask if you are feeling at all better and supported, with some hope for your future. I sure wish the best for you struggling with something familiar to many caregivers.
Sometimes knowing there are others may help, as you have said-to know you're making the right decisions for you.

Thank you Sendme2help... As you know, some days can be better than other's. My 'bad' days are when my brother's 'enter' the picture... not in person, but they 'magically appear' in the form of sound waves across phones lines... Where everything is hunky dory and they know 'everything 'best' while they have not physically helped at all concerning my mother's caregiving. Now that she's going in 89, it's all too late for any 'encounters' of happiness for my mother... They live 1000 miles aways (one in Canada)... So, so sad for my mother... Her 2 grandchildren are wrapped-up in their own lives (just like their parents), so they never visit either... Makes my mother sad, and of course this affects me, because I am her sounding board (which was dragging me down and making me sick).... I've started to say 'no' to her traveling long distance now because of her age... Not to mention the unfriendliness toward me in this kind of situation... I finally have to try to do what's best for me first... so, I can continue to care for her... I desperately (we all desperately) need happiness in ours lives too... We all deserve it... Especially caregiver's... I hope you're doing ok today... Much love...

You sound more in control-those brothers-I can identify! One word from him, oh geez. That is also better now because I have learned to have no expectations at all, limit contact, and if he is having a misogynist grumpy day, I just get off the phone. I am concerned about the look of disdain on your mother's face. That sounds harsh, and would undo me living with that.
Can you take a picture? Then, take some more?

We can discuss what to do with the pictures later. Maybe some psychologist types have some ideas. I will try to remember why it was so helpful after my divorce to have a picture of my ex at the master vanity, leaning over brushing his teeth, with his hand down the back if his pants.
Anyone remember the saying: If you smiled, your face might crack!

Sendme2... I'm starting to learn that doing 'less' with the siblings is better... I used to think I had to jump hoops for everyone... No more... And, it feels good... I think you're finding this out also...
Thank you

Maybe that look is not for you, her face is frozen that way. Check it out.

Yes - you have to do what is best for you - absolutely. Try to disengage from her negative emotions, sadness etc. They are hers, not yours.

Doing less with the siblings is better - oh yeah. In my case, I have gone no contact. No more jumping hoops to please everyone - work on pleasing yourself - no one else will and you are as worthy as everyone else. ((((((hugs))))

Let's have a Heart-to-Heart, dear heart....
What would you do if someone answered YES to your question?
I am not ever happy to cater to anyone, and like independence so much, it is embarrassing to be catered to.
I say, allow me the dignity to get my own stuff. An occasional kind gesture from anyone is appreciated, but don't make it a habit of spoiling anyone.
It takes away their dignity, self-worth, and creates a dependency instead.

My grandmother used to say that one mother could take care of 8 children but 8 children could not care for one mother. So true. Sometimes it's good to be an only child.

I would like to add another comment: I am the one who's Mom will be 92 yrs old in August and she is still living all alone. Anytime I have to say NO to her, I still suffer from so much guilt that I make myself sick, which results in panic attacks and bad stomach aches. I had these problems when I was younger, and I thought I was over it, but I am getting sick again from all of the drama in my Family. Let me add this too: my husband is now 67 years old and some years ago, he had injured his back, leg, and arm while on the job as a Firefighter, and he still suffers from a bad back, and now has arthritis in his hips too, and in 2009 - he almost dying from an infection in his liver and intestines. When he was in the hospital, not one person in my family sent him a card or came to visit him, not even a phone call, just our own kids. (I did keep my Mother up to date by phone). But now, he is more stable, and is feeling OK, and is able to have a little enjoyment in his retirement. My Mother refuses to come to our house for a visit, or for any special celebration, and she told me today, that she will never stay overnight at my house, or at my brother's. She wants my husband and I to always drive to her house. But, my husband is not the greatest at driving anymore, and I have a heart condition and get too stressed out when I have to drive thru Boston to my Mother's house. For the past 40 years or more, we have gone to visit my Mother faithfully, almost every weekend, and she has only been to our house a few times. Right now, she is still treating my brother like a baby, she does not want to say anything to him that "might upset him". But when she gets mad at me for whatever reason, she just tells me off and can be really nasty. When our first child was born in 1973, my Mother wanted us to move into an empty apartment in her house, so she could be close to her Grandchild, but my Dad did not like my husband, and would not fix up the apartment for us, so we could not move there. So, we found a nice place which happened to be 30 miles away, not my fault. But when my Brother and his wife had sold their house, they moved into the apartment in my Parents house, and they did not have to pay rent. Also, my brother does not like driving to our house, he always had an excuse not to come, and to get out of all of the family parties that we had. So, what I want to say about our Parents is: they reap what they sow. I don't think that it is really fair to make my husband spend all of his retirement time driving back and forth, 60 miles round trip, just to please my Mother. I just feel that my husband is also entitled to have a life of his own too. I am just beginning to allow myself to have a say, and I will not take orders from my Mother any longer. I am 64 years old, and I have rights too. But, I still feel really bad about saying NO to her, I guess that will never change.

EastEagle... I hope you, your husband and family can find solace in living your own life now. Many of us understand the pain you have gone through after decades of helping parents. Why is it always the nice people who hold on to the guilt...? We have to learn to let go... I know... Easier said than done... I'm still working on it... Thank you for getting it out here, where we can share and learn from one another and go on to lead a 'normal' life as best we can. Blessings!

They reap what they sow.

Truer words were never spoken.

I need HELP !! This is EastEagle, again. Hi all. I have a brand new problem and a question for everyone. I am Hoping you can help me. I am the one who has the almost 92 year old Mom who is living alone. This past Thursday night at 10:15pm, I got a call from my Mother. To make the long story short: she was in her living room and had dropped the TV remote and when she bent over to pick it up, she lost her balance and her legs went right out from under her ( she gets dizzy, and her balance is off) and she ended up falling on her tailbone. It is no surprise that she could not get back up. (She does not eat anything, weighs only 80 pounds, so she is really malnourished). She did manage to get onto her knees, but as she explained it to me, her knees are really just bones, so she could not stay on them. She took the cushions off the couch and tried to use them for leverage, but that didn't work. So after an hour of doing this, around 8:00pm, she had to crawl and slide across the floor, through 3 large rooms to reach the phone in her hallway, and she called my brother, who never answers his phone, so she had to leave him a message. My brother had wanted to put another phone in her living room, where she spends most of her time, but she had told him NO. So he didn't put one in. So then she crawled into her bedroom and tried to pull herself up by using her bed, and then pulled out dresser drawers and tried to use them too, but of course that didn't work. Finally, at 10:15pm, more than 3 hours after her fall, she called me. So I called my brother, still no answer, so I left a message. Then I called him again 15 minutes later, and he actually answered the phone, he said he got my message, and was on his way to our Mother's house. So, she was not injured, but today she was in a lot of pain, spine, back, legs, and arms. Come to find out, some time ago, her Doctor had told her to drink Ensure, but she has refused to do so. Also, her Doc wanted her to get a Med. Alert system, but again she refused to. So, today I was on the phone with her, and my brother, and I told them that changes have to me made right now, and to make the call to the med alert people, and to put a phone in the living room, and told my brother to buy the Ensure. But, my Mother is fantastic at changing the subject, and she wanted to talk about the news, and elections, etc. I told her that she has caused me so much worry and stress, that it is making me sick. She just brushed it off, and said that she is perfectly fine living alone, and nothing is going to change. HOWEVER, this is the real kicker, my brother told me today, that from now on, he wants me to go to our Mother's house, to help her take a shower. She takes sponge baths, because she is too afraid to use the shower anymore, it is just too dangerous for her, it is a very old fashioned deep tub, very hard for anyone to get into, and no handles to hold on to. I want to add that my brother was at her house today, to work on the empty apartment. I am never consulted about the work that he is doing on the house. He is planning on taking over the house, when our Mother has passed away. He is the one who wanted her to keep her old 3 family house, and he calls it "his" house. He also owns a house and a condo in Florida. He is very greedy about owning property. It needs a lot of work, so he is doing that now. Our Dad passed away in 2009, and he is just starting to do the work that should have been done years ago. My Mother told me that my brother is the one who will make all the decisions about the house. She has left it to the 2 of us, but I have not been consulted on anything. So back to the shower, I am so afraid of putting my Mother in the shower, I don't really know how I will manage it. I don't have any experience doing that. Also, my Mother says she does not want anyone to help her. I have been helping her since 2005, I gave up my job, and I would stay at her house for days and weeks at a time. I would go to all of her Doc visits with her, and take her shopping. Today, even after her fall, she wanted to go shopping for baby clothes for her new Great Grandchild, who will not be born until November. My brother refused to take her, he told her that she was in no condition to go shopping. But, my Mother really has a one-track mind. So my question is, should I take on the task of helping her get into the shower?? or should I insist that she get an experienced helper to come in??

You absolutely DO NOT bend to fraternal pressure.
If you WANT to go and shower her then that's fine but NOT because your brother is too damned idle to get off his arse and make a phone call to engage a professional. Your mum has made her choices and she has to live with the consequences. You have enough on looking after yourself and your husband - please don't take it on and there is nothing to fell guilt about.

PhoenixDaughter, Thanks for your answer, I do feel better !!

Yes! Confirming that is the best answer!

You can be clean with sponge baths. As Phoenixdaughter said, don't bend to this pressure. Can you spell ENABLE?

Hi All, Thank You so much for your great advice. I am wondering how many adult children feel the same way: Being the only Daughter in the Family (or an only child, or maybe the one child who loves, cares, and worries the most for their Parent), I never knew that I would have to face such a huge responsibility without any support, and I feel that I am entirely on my own, and that no one else in the Family understands or cares how I feel. (Except for my husband). I just asked my oldest Daughter, who is 42 years old, how she would feel if she was asked to give her Grandmother a shower, and would she want to? Her answer was: it's not that hard to give someone a shower, what is the big deal? So, no advice coming from her at all. I also have 2 other Daughters, ages 40 and 34. All 3 of them live far away from their Grandmother, and can't visit every week. They do talk to her on the phone. But, I had to explain to my Mother that in this day and age, it's much harder for all of us to get together all the time. My Mother also has a Grandson and his wife, who live much closer to her, they can visit her more often, and I am very happy about that. So, I will keep you all posted. Thanks again.