Am I supposed to cater to my mother's every whim because she makes me feel guilty?

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Am I supposed to cater to my mother's every whim because she makes me feel guilty?

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I agree with all the other posts. I would tell brother that he can pay for: a LIMO, or other means of transportation, a TRAVEL COMPANION, and pay for the tickets, etc. If brother does not want to do this, I would - truthfully - tell mom that he doesn't seem to want her there. If she does go, be send either photos of mom with her difficulty - or a video would be even better.

As for her thinking less of you for being single - tell her that seeing the dysfunction in your family makes you grateful that you are not married!

And while she's gone, turn up the music, dance around the house and do whatever you have not been able to do with her there.

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Heart2Heart, I think if it were me I would tell my parent very nicely & in a non-confrontational manner that I am going to be there helping out less than I have been. When they ask why, I would tell them 1) it is getting to be just too much for me physically, mentally, emotionally & financially (whatever applies to you), 2) that for my healthy sake I need more time away from the stress of it, 3) that I need time for my own life & other family, & 4) because obviously she is unhappy with the things I do for her. I can't do things good enough to please you. I would lay out a schedule of day(s) and times that I would be there to help out & tell them that my sibling(s) need to help out more &/or get some help hired for when I can't be there. I would tell them that I love them dearly, but I have to think about my health & my family also. I can be a better caregiver when I'm with you if I have been having time to relax, get enough rest & have time with other family & friends. You need time to re-fill your love cup. I would give her a date at least 10 days to 2 weeks into the future as to when this will begin so there is time to get siblings or someone hired on board. Then stick to it. Even if a person is single, they still need time to re-fill their love cup of energy & to have time to reflect on things a little every week. Being at someone's beck & call does not make you a good person in itself, just like not being at their neck & call 24/7 does not make you a terrible person. It makes you human & shows you have needs just like everyone else. Tell her you must have a healthy balance in your life. You could always call her on the days you are not there & check on her. It is time to sets some limits & for you to live your life. Right now you are living her life, so to speak. Go to lunch or dinner with a friend or a movie ever so often. Make regular time weekly to be with other people. Volunteer a little somewhere if you like. Just live the other time away from her & enjoy it & hopefully when you go back to help her things will look a little better. My heart goes out to you because I was a 24/7 caregiver to my MIL for awhile & not a soul would help out to even let me have an hour or two for dinner with my husband. I had to stand firm & it was hard because it was my husbands family. He wouldn't stand up for me & it caused problems between us because I was so hurt that he wouldn't. I learned some valuable lessons in the end. Good luck & God bless you.

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NJCinderella, you got it. I was in therapy because I believed I had no rights. My therapist told me it was time I said "No", I couldn't, it took me three weeks to say "no". Each week he would ask me did I say "no", and I would say I just couldn't. It was like the world would end if I did. Finally, I did and it was the most freeing thing in my life. But, for me, I wouldn't have been able to do it with out professional help.

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Jessie -you may be referring to me as well as others. I think of Lisa who was in a desperate situation and with encouragement from people on this site, she found a way out. I this there are always alternatives. Is there a price to pay? Of course. But there is a price to pay for leaving things as they are.

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One of the hardest tasks a 24/7 family caregiver of parents has to do is make considerations and decisions without the guilt or recriminations. You know what can be done and limits become barriers with advancing age and that's just reality. I have had to learn to say "no" and stick with it both to my father and others who never visit but are full of terrific ideas if only I'd carry them out. There is a time in the wind to be wheat and a time to be an oak. As to the "not married" comment, my response would be, that's why I can be here to take care of you. I've been doing 24/7 care for over three years. As in a marathon, you hit the wall several times and come out stronger. All I can say is, being the adult in a parent-adult child relationship is tough, but it can have its rewards.

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Heart2Heart, I have the same problem with my Mother who will be 92 years old in August. I won't have time or space here to give you the list of everything that is expected of me by my Mother and Family. You see, I am her only Daughter, I am 64 years old, and I have just one sibling, my brother who is 62 years old. I live 30 miles away, it takes us one hour to get to my Mother's house, if there is no traffic. My brother lives 1/2 mile away, 5 minutes from her house. My Mother is blind in one eye and losing sight in her "good" eye, going deaf, she gets dizzy and falls over, her neck is really bad from osteoporosis, and she has stomach problems. She lives alone in her 3 family house which she owns, and refuses any "outside help" to come in and help her. She refuses to use a cane, or a walker, refused to get hearing aids, did not follow through with the PT for her neck, and refuses to get a Medical Alert system which her Doctor wanted her to get, and will not use any of the reading aids that she got. She does not eat anything all day, just coffee, candy, and sometimes toast. She is only 80 pounds. She will not go to the Senior Center, or anywhere else for socializing, so she is isolated most days. My middle daughter is going to be 40 years old, and my husband and I and our other Daughters are planning a nice party for her at my house. But, my Mother insists on having it at her house. She wants to do all the food shopping and all of the cooking, and it's food that we really don't want to have for the party. My point is, it is impossible for me to say "NO" to my Mother, without feeling terrible guilt. She wants me to do things her way all the time. My brother never feels guilty at all, if he is busy - he just tells her that he can't help her, period. My worst nightmare is that my Mother loves to go shopping at the Mall and buy lots of stuff that she does not have to buy, needless to say that when we take her, it takes us hours and hours just to walk from one store to the next. Since she will not use a walker, or a wheelchair, we have to hold my Mother's arm, and we have to walk like snails. And, my Mother takes a magnifying glass with her because she has to look at the price tags herself, instead of us. I can't tell you how exhausting it is. I have a heart problem and get tired easily, plus other health problems, but my Mother and brother don't care, and never even ask me how I am feeling. This situation has been killing me. However, my husband and I have stopped going to her house every week, it is just too much for us, and the Family really told me off. But my husband has had many health problems too, and the driving is too much for him. Example, he almost died from a liver and blood infection, and my brother never called me to ask how he was doing. So, the point is, I am going to say NO more often, and I know that I will just have to deal with my Mother's anger.

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Sometimes when I read the answers written to the other cgs, it stings. It's almost like we're blaming the victim. We see that a lot in abuse cases. To the child -- If you weren't so bad, then they wouldn't hit you. If you hadn't gone out at night, then that man wouldn't have raped you. If you weren't so nice, then your parent couldn't take advantage of you. We're very comfortable assigning blame and responsibility to the person who is being hurt.

Anyone in the position of being used and abused caregiving for a difficult parent knows it is not so easy. The parent is not always so bad. They are bad just enough to keep things stirred up. We can advise to get siblings to help, move the person to a facility, or get help to come in. Yeah, good luck with that. Or we can leave, knowing the repercussions will be serious for everyone involved.

It is sad that no one wants to help, but they don't. I told both my brothers of the problems faced here. Crickets. They go out dancing and on vacations while their old parents sit at home dying. They really don't care enough to be bothered. Maybe we should say to the cg "Thank goodness you do care," instead of hinting they are faulty for caring. People who have cared for a difficult parent probably know what I'm talking about. You have to take care of yourself while you keep your parent from falling, even if the hardships are of their own making.

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1RareFind My mother was the monster my father created. From day 1 he put her on a pedestal, jumped through hoops and bent over backwards to give her anything and everything she wanted ... though once she got whatever it was it wasn't good enough, big enough or fancy enough. She was an A1 narcissist, mean, manipulative and downright nasty if she didn't get her own way instantly. My late father and I trod on eggshells and feared her. His heart finally gave out after 50 years of her.

After four year of living h3ll of caring for her with parkinsons, strokes and dementia, at 86, she went into a lovely nursing home. First she shared a room with a lovely quiet lady but was always screaming at the poor woman, who eventually had a stroke and died. To this day I swear the stress killed the poor woman and I got my mother a private room before she could kill someone else.

For the last 3 years of her life she hid in her room, refusing to have anything to do with anyone as they were beneath her and plotting who she could find to take her to their house and wait on her hand and foot 24/7 for free of course ... it would be such a privilege for that person. She came from a horribly dysfunctional family which, on looking back, I see now. When you grow up with these things you don't see it as you don't know any better. There is no other family and, as she'd run off anyone who crossed her path over the years, she had no friends.

It has been six months since she passed and I've spent the winter at home in country peace and quiet, just me and my beloved animals, reflecting and recovering from a lifetime of mental and emotional abuse. I've come to the conclusion that she was mentally ill her whole life. She had everything, big houses, new cars, exotic vacations, the best of everything but it was never enough. She died at 89, miserable and alone. What a terrible waste of a life..

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Visiting ones son and family is not what I'd call a "whim" and helping her acheive a bucket list item like this is not "catering" to a whim. If you can't do it don't do it; if you can facilitate it, do that. She possibly wants it very badly - she possibly fantasizes you and he will reconcile - possibly brother is not making the arrangements because he does not care as much if he sees her. Keep it in perspective, It sounds like you have been used as the family scapegoat who deserves to have all the difficult things dumped on them. It's just a self-serving family myth to relieve them of their own guilt. Don't let that keep tarnishing your self-image if you can help it. Just do the right things and answer to your own heart and conscience and to h#ll with what the rest of the sorry clan thinks or pretends to think of you.

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First of all, no one can "make you feel guilty" or any other feeling you do not choose to feel. Stand up for yourself, have the relatives visit her, and unless you are included (because you would have to go), tell them to come to her.

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Absolutely not! Your guilt is misplaced and she is using that to her advantage! Get some help in and divde the load and if you cant place her in a nursing home. Maybe inform your brother of your intensions to give him opportunity to help. All else, call Elderly hotline and walk away! Dont let this be your death sentence!

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Hi CInders I think the problem is that so many of us were manipulated almost from birth....mum is very proud that i was clean and dry day and night but the time I was 9 months old but she had such a strict routine that I imagine even that was manipulated. Early childhood mum was quite Victorian - children should be seen but not heard. Punishment was always banishment to the bedroom but as I had my books I didn't mind. Then on to school where any sort of failure was an embarrassment and not to be tolerated.

Abused by her cousin which I now know she knew about but did nothing to stop

Then I did fail her because I didn't go to University (I did go later) I married the wrong person, I got pregnant before I got married (you don't even want to KNOW what she called me over that) Then I didn't raise my kids properly, didn't clean my house the way she did, didn't cook properly (and let me tell you I have always been able to knock spots off her cooking). I was too fat, skirts too long too short, ditto hair, why didn't I dye it once the grey came through. Constant criticism is draining, it leave you feeling soulless.

But of course I learned very well....I married a man who was controlling (and divorced him)

I met a second man who cheated one, Ditto number 3 but with worse scenario that I don't want to go into.

Now very very single I really miss not having met a man who would have supported me to become fulfilled.

Oddly enough there are 2 points which my mum and I will never agree on and on which I will NEVER BACK DOWN.

1 that princess Diana was wronged by her husband from the get go
and
2 No-one 'gets over' child abuse or r@p3 and it is NEVER too late to bring this perpetrators to justice

She firmly disagrees on both counts but it is the only time I get really cross, the rest of the time I go mutter, scream come on here and whine and whinge.

Is there a point in me getting a backbone now towards her? Nope she wouldn't have a clue as to why I was cross

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I am single, with 4 brothers and I'm the only girl. While my brothers did help in their own way with my mom, the hands on caregiving was all me (with an aid in the mix as well) but it was still A LOT. While i did want to help my mom, i too needed a break from time to time and my brother would say he couldn't fill in #1 he has responsibilities (his ADULT) children! I too felt i had no value because I'm single, no kids. #2 A female had to help mom so bros couldn't help. Well mom passed away in jan. And now we're on caregiving part 2 with my dad and nothing has changed. ..all me. I feel like i am a failure to my parents being single but i can't pull someone out of thin air but that doesn't mean we single gals don't deserve a night off and out with friends. Do what's good for you heart, no one else will! !

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The generation of women your mother grew up in were taught that women's value was connected to marriage and the man they married. It is a generational value that is thankfully going the way of the Dodo bird. Also, mothers who want to go out of their way for selfish sons--well, that's probably guilt or maybe they realize the son is selfish and are willing to put up with it so they do all the work. Sons like that are a one-way street. You are better off without your brother since he sounds like a selfish moron. Your mother birthed and raised the selfish idiot so let her deal with him and let him deal with her. You don't have to put yourself in the middle. Pay attention to what you need from things and imagine that you are an only child because in many ways you are alone. Enjoy being an only child--without the burden of having to compromise with other siblings because they refuse to compromise with you.

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It is amazing how some of us can become so manipulated, whether through guilt or just being plain exhausted or maybe a passive personality. It is also amazing how the manipulator can't see (or care) they are doing it.

After 50+ years of this, I realized (thunk on head) that the only way I can be continued to be guilted and manipulated is by giving my "permission." Dr.Phil says that people treat us in the way we allow. If you don't give in to the manipulation, then you aren't manipulated anymore. So, learn to say no. Then no arguing, no fussing, no being drawn into a long discussion. I finally came to the conclusion it is a lot like parenting a willful child. You wouldn't argue your point to a child or teenager, would you? The child then either complies or throws temper tantrums (to be expected) but if you are consistent, eventually they see they can't manipulate you anymore. Many of us have to stop playing the doormat and grow a backbone. It's an uncomfortable role because I think many of us are so used to being emotionally manipulated we don't know what is a healthy dynamic.

Thing is, while many of us can identify the "soul sucking," tactics, we don't have the tools or gumption to do something about it.

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Ashlynne mentioned how her mom wanted to suddenly drop in on an elder in poor health, someone she hasn't seen in 35 years and never kept in touch with.
Ashlynne, I don't know if your mom even realized how hard that would be on that person who was already in failing health, but it would've definitely made things far worse for her and that other person. If a person is already struggling to take care of themselves, I just don't see how or even why someone also in poor health would come along and make things even worse for someone else who's already struggling with their own health. I don't know what her agenda was, I'm confused on this one because I don't know why your mom would've been selfish enough to drop extra responsibility on someone who couldn't handle it. I just don't understand that one unless she was after something specific such as money, a house, or some other asset. Perhaps your mom knew if she came into the picture at the right time when this other person was on their deathbed, she probably thought she would get something. I don't see this happening, and I guess predatory people come in all forms. I'm sorry this happened, and I can only hope others in similar situations can prevent it from happening, or if it's already happening put a stop to it. I don't know if your mom ever succeeded in her plan to burden another person who is also in ailing health, but I hope her plan failed for her sake and the sake of the other person. It never would've been fair to either of them or even you or the rest of your family. Most importantly, it would've been very unfair to the patient in the UK. Putting myself in the shoes of that other patient, I never would've appreciated it if I already had my own struggles.

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Heart - you are supposed to see that your mother's needs are met - not her whims.. And you personally do not have to do that - other people who are trained can do that. Sounds like her balance and mobility are worse and possibly there is some cognitive decline. Time may be coming for her to be placed in a facility. Yes let your bro figure it out. You are not required to make arrangements or to go. You need a break.

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Heart, I have a feeling you are going to do what I would do -- just say no, I can't possibly do that and get on with life. If Brother wants to come visit, he can.

I remember when my mother decided she wanted to go to the beach in north Florida. We all know what the sand is like there. I just told her, "You don't even want to go in the front yard, but you want to try to walk of that sand." Of course, she tried to convince me that she could do it, or could use a wheelchair -- me pushing in deep sand???!!! Right. She got mad that I wouldn't do it, but better her be mad than me go through that.

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Just to be clear here you get a break and you must make SURE you don't make arrangements to see them until departure day, she gets to see grandchildren and they get to know EXACTLY what you are having to do FIRST HAND. Don't forget to send them a full list of the supplies she will need vis a vis incontinence pads creams etc because obviously you can't possibly carry all that with you. Oh and don't forget top tell them her personal hygiene routine/her meds routine etc! My guess is you won't get that holiday.... but if you do..... you make sure you enjoy it.

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NO NO NO NO NO You don't want to be doing it like that! What you need to do is say to your brother that Mum wants to see them all but you recognise that is difficult so what you suggest is that they get a villa (somewhere nice and warm and pleasant) and that you will bring Mum to them for a couple of weeks - MEANWHILE since Mum cannot travel on her own and you HAVE to be with her then she will just have to pay for you to have a holiday in the same place (NOTE NOT THE SAME VILLA) in a SINGLE room. That way EVERYONE gets what they want, need and deserve

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You need to see someone about your own mental health. I am concerned about you. I too couldn't say "no" for many years. Finally, with much counseling I was able to. She can't "make" you catch the ball of guilt/worthlessness. Just because someone throws that ball at you doesn't mean you have to catch it. The trick is learning how to sidestep the ball and say, Oh my, someone threw the ball of guilt at me and I am not going to catch it. If you can't afford it see a pastor, or school. My therapist will take people for what they can pay as his ministry. I am sure others out there will do the same. Sort of like Pro Bono.

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Sounds very familiar, my elderly friend used to also make me and others around him jump on a whim partly because I think to some point we allowed it. Sometimes we would speak up behind his back because he didn't want anyone talking about anything confrontational, so we had to talk about the problems behind his back. I hated that it came to that but some of us came up with a solution to start wising up and taking a little more time to do what he wanted or maybe just stall and not do it at all. As long as he was going to bark orders or order us around, I'm sure each of us had our own way of dealing with it. One time I had a situation of dealing with the prevention of a medical emergency and couldn't jump on a whim. Taking that first step and doing the opposite of what someone wants you to do takes a little bit of self discipline and determination. It's hard at first but it's not impossible, you can do it! Next time she orders you around, all you have to do is stay put and stare her down with your arms crossed, or stay how you're sitting or standing. Just quietly stare her down and give her that disapproving look. When she asks, just be honest, especially if other people are around. Having other people around who are in your corner is exactly what you need right now. If something happens with others there, they can speak up for you and they can back you because no one should be treated like that. We are not slaves, slavery was abolished long ago. Even if you were to be a slave, you need not be treated like that!

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I agree with what everyone has said - put the ball in your brother's court, then he and she can duke it out. From what you've said there is absolutely no way she could make a trip, let alone a long one. Really I think it's all in her mind.

Near the end of her life my mother decided she would go from Canada back to the UK and live with her brother in law and he could take care of her. She hasn't seen him for 35 years, he's in his 80s, in poor health and apart from a christmas card they never kept in touch - she'd have nothing to do with anyone unless there was something in it for her. At that point she was in a NH (parkinsons, stroke & dementia) incontinent and mostly bed ridden - too sick and frail to get across the road, let alone go on a journey.

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Of course you should not consider taking this trip with your mother. Absolutely not. Any such trip should be worked out by the parties involved. Not your monkeys, even if you are running the circus.

Are you supposed to cater to mother's every whim? Yes. At least that is what she has programmed you to do, and it seems like she has done a pretty good job. It is never too late, though, to disconnect some of those guilt buttons she so carefully installed.

Seems to me there might be a lot of other things you should start saying "no" to, in addition to this outrageous expectation of you being her travel escort.

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Just yesterday I was meeting with the don at my mothers facility to do a review of her care plan. Towards the end he mentioned that my brother doesn't visit like he use to. Really?!!! For years my brother questioned and criticized my care and decisions regarding our mother. Although local he visited about twice a month. Brother is very well off financially and seems his vacations, world wide travel and time at his vacation home filled all his free time. Then brother retired this past summer and had more time. This worked out well for me as right after that mom fell and in a few short months went from hospital to rehab to AL to a nursing home. Brother helped with all this - and mostly he really was helpful. Still we had the occasional "disagreement" - that's code for him not liking what I was telling him and him completely loosing it with me. One fight concerning moms dementia ended with him saying "I'll believe it when I see it in writting". I had been planning on taking mom to a geriatric psychiatrist anyhow, so I gave him a copy of the report and that was the end of that. Since then brother has been visiting less and less - probably once a week or every two weeks. He says there is no quality to his visits! Anyhow - my point - until the brother deals with your mother on his own, one on one, he probably won't accept anything you tell him. Put the ball in his court. Tell brother to talk to mom himself and if he still thinks a visit is a good idea, tell him he needs to make ALL the arrangments. On your part, get in writting from your mothers Doctor what he feels would be needed for your mother to make the trip - fax/email it to your brother. If he STILL wants to go through with it, let him - and you enjoy a respite. There is always the possibility mom would be unable to make the trip home and then your mothers care would be your brothers responsibilty - and you can get your life back.

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Your not alone I took care of my Mom in my fourties and now I'm giving her my fifties. It's so hard and she still wants to be in control of everything.

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I agree with churchmouse.. Call your brother and let him know Mom wants to visit and he needs to make the arrangements..

Under no circumstances can she travel solo.. If he doesn't want her to come, he needs to speak wirh her directly and let her know why he doesn't want her at his home!!!

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By the way, the brother that my mother wants to see isn't in great health either... He has had a valve replacement a hip replacement and will get the other hip replaced in the near future... His wife 'wears the pants in the family' (controls him)... When I've gone up ther in the past we Would have to sit there while they watched their sports... Everything is about their children... A very uncomfortable situation for someone to travel so far and visit..not fun!.... And expensive... Let alone taking an elderly person up there... What a family we are born into some times... I never thought mine would be so heartless.

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Heart, let me say that you have been working hard and need a break. I am in agreement with those above who have cautioned you about taking your Mom to see your brother. Let the 2 of them work it out. Maybe in all of that brother would figure out Mom's status and how much she cannot do for herself!! At the young age of 60, you need to take care of YOU!! YOU are important and should have a life of your own, and you should be praised for the years, effort and pain you have invested into your Mom.!!!

A side note. Our family has a wedding coming up this summer, We have already decided that the 'folks' (In an ALF) will not be taken down there 4 hours by car!! This is the last Grandchild to marry.. I will try to make the pictures of the event as real to them as if they had been there. Besides, every time they see the pictures, they will be reliving the event, even if they were not there!!

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Lassie... (Exactly... You get it)
This is what I mean Lassie... about 'mom' trodding miraculously appearing in from of them (if she were to appear after struggling through a long and complicated transportation/flight arrangements) while they sit back and auct 'normal' and just say "hi mom"... Then, they go on their daily routine...,their house has steep stairs also... with her balance issues, I could see this being a big safety issue... She also needs to hang on to something all the time (she refuses to use a walker and stumbles,with a cane)... So, she hangs on for dear life with me. By herself, she gets simple things confused, so I can't imagine her making decisions outside the 'home'. My brother and family is oblivious to her needs and gets very defensive when I try to talk about her. He believes she can come on her own, but I know better... If she went, I could see her getting hurt (she also needs to take her medications regularly twice a day). I've been trying to keep her safe (and she is fine) at my place/her home... But, she insists on pushing me to go beyond what I want to do... and, makes me the 'bad' person in the family... They're better because "they're married"... Ugh!
Your posts mean so much to me.... Thank you

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Am I supposed to cater to my mother's every whim because she makes me feel guilty?

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