Elderly mother’s resistance to wearing face mask during Covid crisis - anyone had a similar problem?

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Elderly mother’s resistance to wearing face mask during Covid crisis - anyone had a similar problem?

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In the UK we are all now required by law to wear face masks when shopping and visiting other indoor businesses. The government has positioned this as the caring thing to do: wearing a mask to protect others in case you are are an asymptomatic carrier of the virus, thus reducing virus transmission. My mother is an avid follower of the News and all things Covid, she knows how this has torn through our country leaving tens of thousands dead or seriously ill, yet she is resisting mask wearing when going out. Earlier this week we went into our local town, with our masks ready for use. When we got to the Bank, she said she couldn’t find her mask despite me checking that she’d got it before we left the house, and then said she was going inside anyway, without it. Of course she was stopped at the door, where the assistant kindly but firmly gave her a mask from a big box they had for this very purpose, and she had to put it on before going any further. When she came out she was furious about having to wear the mask, saying that it messed her hair up, despite the fact that she’d just been given one for free and that there were signs everywhere, outdoors as well as indoors, reminding people about mask wearing. Yesterday we went to the greengrocers and I made her put the mask on before we got out of the car, but then I heard her complaining bitterly to the shop assistant about it. The assistant patiently smiled and said that she’d soon be able to take it off when she’d finished her shopping. My mother took this comment at face value and whipped off the mask before she’d actually left the shop. When I challenged her about it outside she said the assistant had said she could take it off, which was patently untrue. Once again she started complaining about hating having to wear it, it was hot, she didn’t like it, it messed up her hair, like a petulant child. I felt that all of these complaints could have been said by any of us, but we are all just putting up with it for the good of our society and community. I have told her that if she won’t wear it, I won’t take her to the shops again. My mother has always been selfish and is a narcissist, so appealing to her to do the right thing to protect others is wasted on her. I just wondered if anyone else had had this problem, and if so, what they’d done about it?

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Years ago my FIL had a terrible case of the shingles that affected his face and head for the rest of his life. He had his doctor give him a note that he carried in his wallet that said he didn’t have to wear a seatbelt. (Not sure how that helped his face?)
When he rode with me he would spout this as if we hadn’t heard it a hundred times already. The nerve damage was real. We were sympathetic to that factor. I told him fine, but for safety he would need to ride in the back seat. He would put the seatbelt on.
We always had to go through this but I wouldn’t start the car until it was settled. A little harder for you with the mask.

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His doctor is somewhat of an idiot, IMO! Clearly it has no impact on his face, but the dash or windshield would be in the event of an accident! Good way that you handled the situation!

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Imho, the statement "like a petulant child" sums it up pretty well. She knows the rules about the Novel Coronavirus as she follows them on the news, but she chooses not to put them into use for HERSELF. She will have to stay home until she decides she wants to follow the protocol put in place by your area's Governing body. I do not advocate that she be the ride along who stays in the auto while you go into the shop for many factors, e.g. an auto can get HOT and the windows down is not a valid option, an elder is not safe alone in an auto, the possibility of crime, the possibility of her exiting the auto and a lot more.

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i have made several styles of mask. I have found this mask to be the most comfortable. Maybe someone could make her one

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KQP3YFJOhDg

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!st tell her it's the law, and a finable offense, and multiple tickets could lead to jain time, and she is protecting herself from dying, and others from the same fte if she is a carrier. If she cannot drive, and you must take her anywhere, then tell her you will not drive her, and ask her to pay for a Cab, Taxi, Uber, Lift, and when her pocketbook starts running low, since all of the car services req uire a mask, she will eventually get the picture, but you MUST BE FIRM. FIRM is not bad when it is for someone's own good, and others.

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When I made my original post, I hadn’t intended for people to get into an argument about whether or not masks are the right way forward. I think it would be better to agree to disagree about this if we have conflicting ideas, as everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and I respect that. I think my post was more to do with how to handle an elderly family member dismissing whatever the local laws/rules are, and this could apply to other scenarios as well as mask wearing. On reflection I also think that much of my anxiety about this was fear of me being publicly challenged about her behaviour as though it was my responsibility. I can see from the responses that my mother’s behaviour isn’t my responsibility, so I can let these anxieties go. My mother doesn’t have Alzheimer’s and is in possession of all of her faculties, but is quite selfish, and just does not see that she has any duty to potentially protect others by wearing a mask, as our UK laws demand. As well as being anxious, I think I am embarrassed as well as being annoyed when we have been out and she has tried to duck out of doing what is required of her, with no real grounds for doing so. For me, it has made going out even more stressful than it already is at the moment.

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Thankyou for the update. I am glad you have it sorted 😃.

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Yes, and it's part of the disease; well the "not wanting to do what they want to" like a 5 y/o because they've made it this far in life w/o someone telling them what They must do. My Mom is Still vehemently denying that she has Dementia; says it's just normal old age or from lack of routine; and she now has about a 10 min short term memory at best. I will not take her out anywhere anymore other than the doctor's office because she constantly complains she's hot, it's stupid, she can't breathe, etc... and loud enough to get crossed looks from people 20 ft away. All you can do is try to keep her distracted from the mask or ask her if she'll wait in the car; if you're just gonna be inside for less than 10 min.

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"...vehemently denying that she has Dementia; says it's just normal old age..."

Been there, done that! Actually, I've never used the "D" word with mom. In her uneducated mind it meant you were "off your rocker", aka crazy. She also attributed her forgetfulness to being old AND being entitled to forget sometimes. Key word there is "sometimes." 10 minutes was often being generous! What she was forgetting was also more than she realized (for instance, she wasn't cooking, just eating frozen dinners and boxed crap, had to put meds in timed/locked dispenser, but still needed someone to stop in a check that she took them, etc.)

While some of the behaviors seen with dementia seems "crazy", it really isn't. It is a brain disorder, which one can say about many other "crazy" disorders. In mom's case, she's far enough into this that there wouldn't be any way to keep a mask on her. They required it for her eye treatment (4x/year), but were understanding about it. Just today I got a reply from her doc office regarding my question about refilling her BP meds - generally they require an exam but between age (97), hearing loss/not wearing the hearing aid, refusal to stand/walk on her own and dementia, this wasn't really an option. The nurse suggested I sit with her for TeleHealth. Really? I am NOT allowed to be with her, she wouldn't be able to hear or understand, and seriously, how would you check her heart, pulse and BP remotely??? She processed the refills for 1 year. (my annual was scheduled in July and they called to suggest TeleHealth - again, really? How do you actually do a physical without me being there? No weight, height, BP, lung/heart listen, etc. I have no conditions to treat and take no Rx, so what's the point, other than you get to charge it full price! They rescheduled me for February next year.)

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Chriscat, I take my hat off to you for getting so quickly to the key realisation:

your mother's behaviour is NOT your responsibility.

Accessing your Zen-like calm place when your loved elder does or says crashingly embarrassing things in public is a crucial skill :)

[thinks: I've never met this person...]

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Thank you Country mouse! Blindingly obvious really but still difficult to follow sometimes!

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I take my husband out to dr. appts. Twice he wore a mask because he couldn't go in w/out one. He kept pulling it off, and getting agitated. I bought shields! That was the answer here. He said he could breath. Problem solved.

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Stick to your comment - She either wears the mask or you don't take her out. It's her choice.

My friends son has CP it is a struggle for him to wear the mask and walk around. He's good for about 10 minutes and then it is too much for him. We try to make the errand short and one of us will go out to the car with him while the other finishes.

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sounds like your answer was the best......"if you don't/won't wear the mask, you can't go".....tell her she can stay home and you will handle all of her tasks. Personally I hate wearing the mask also, but I put mine on right before I step into a business and take it off immediately upon leaving. we all need fresh air. But when we have to do something to keep people healthy, then it is, what it is. Again....tell her no mask......no go. wishing you luck

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I have two simple suggestions. Totally refuse in every way to do ANYTHING for her in terms of taking her out of the house. Second, if it is a must go out situation, take some kind of tape or string and tie it in such a way that it is impossible for HER to remove it.

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Tape??? What, duct tape? How crude is that? String to tie it on? That most likely won't work anyway, but again, crude. Simple answer for anyone who doesn't have dementia: wear it or you don't go out.

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Oh yes, had and having these same issues. You have to remind her everytime she goes out and stay with her to remind her again and again to wear her mast, keep distance between herself and others. It is a daily part of her care. I dont argue with her or try to tell her that this is something that everyone has to deal with daily. I simply remind her and wait until she complies and if she does I tell her then we have to go home, this is not optional and she complies for a few moments or 30 minutes if I am lucky. Sometimes I make it a game and that works better. I ask her whci mask is better and which mask she will wear today. Sometimes she says none but most of the time she choses like it is part of her outfit. Good luck. I would love to hear other thoughts as well.

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A quick update on the mask situation. Yesterday we went to the pharmacy. Mum said she didn’t think it was worth the bother of putting on a mask just to go to one store. I told her we would be driving straight home again if she didn’t put it on. She put it on. My concern is that, unsupervised, my mum could bring the virus into our house as she just doesn’t get the idea that we’re trying to protect other people as well as taking precautions to protect ourselves. I can’t trust her to do the right thing and to follow the law. I’m really tired of having to constantly enforce this.

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Elderly mother’s resistance to wearing face mask during Covid crisis - anyone had a similar problem?

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