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My sister is the same way, followed by numerous "AARRG, UGH, Huffing and Puffing, "OMG"..UGH. OMG This is Bull, etc.etc.etc.
I get so sick of going places with her, just to hear her huff and puff about having to wear a mask. "Are you alive?" that is the only question I have for her. Deal with it.
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KaleyBug Aug 2020
My adult son would only wear one if asked. Now he is quarantined until his co-workers test comes back. A coworker with the same attitude has a high fever and had to take the test. Boss said no one comes back to work until the test results.
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I am my stepmoms caregiver across the pond in the US & she is a narcissist too. I feel your pain!! I have found that only 2 methods work. Drawing a SOLID line in the sand & telling her how it’s going to be or what you will do if it’s not...OR...reverse psychology & getting them to choose to do what you want. Face masks come in different styles & you can add bling, or make your own per online ideas. Make it a sassy fashion statement, or something. Ask a cop 👮‍♀️ to give her a ticket. 😷 Good luck!
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I think that's a really good result that you can use for many situations - letting Mother decide whether to wear the mask or not herself. She will feel in control & respected. The consequences will be hers too (eg no shopping trip today, or store denies entry). Takes the pressure of YOU 😃 trying to make her comply.

Masks are now law in my city too. This massive change to our laws & freedom is such a shock. Many rebel but it has given me much thought, especially about giving people the choice of their own actions where you can. No mask = Police offer mask. No wear = fine. Refuse to give ID for fine = arrest.

A few years ago I requested a relative to wear incontinence undergarms when I took them out in my car. (You can guess why). They refused. So I refused to drive them.

I think this approach with the mask may be needed many times along this aging journey with your Mother.
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Chriscat83 Aug 2020
Thank you Beatty. You are right. This approach could work in many other situations and I’ll keep that in mind. There’s enough pressure on all of us at the moment without adding to it with extra conflict. I’ll let the cause and effect be my mother’s problem, not mine.
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Thank you all. I think my mother is now weighing up the pros and cons of fussing about a mask, and whether it is better to stay home, not wear a mask and get bored, or do the right thing and get the mask on if wanting to go out.The shop assistants did not give in to her, which probably came as a surprise. I've cut off any complaints about this at home by just saying "it's the law now" and leaving it at that.
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Harpcat Aug 2020
Good for you! Personally rather than listening to childish whining, I would leave her home. One can only take so much of that!
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Chriscat,
You are likely correct when you say:
" I have told her that if she won’t wear it, I won’t take her to the shops again."

Be sure to say goodbye on your way out the door, wearing your mask. It may only take once. But getting out by yourself may help give you a moment's respite, if you can safely leave her alone.

I sympathize that hearing the complaining can make your caregiving more difficult.

Best regards to you this day, caregivers everywhere.
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Mother would wear the mask but pull it off to talk to people at the grocery store. YB, who cares for her, was going nuts. She would NOT leave the mask alone, and was always tugging, touching and adjusting it. That renders it less helpful, of course.

Finally, he ended up taking her to the store and she sits in the car (with the mask on) and he does her small shopping for her.

At her 90th birthday 'social distancing' we all wore masks and she had hers hanging by the straps. It was ridiculous. We were darn lucky that nobody had COVID b/c that was 2 months ago and we were still not 100% masking, social distancing, etc.
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Both of my parents were on a rampage about having to wear a mask. It just stinks that they don't care enough about anyone else to cover their face.

The last time it was brought up to me, I had had enough of the selfish bs and told them that they were correct, they had the right to not wear a mask, in fact they had the right to be dead right!

I have not been heard one complaint for about 3 weeks and my dad even went and bought some Trump 2020 masks. I guess hearing that they could die because they refuse to wear masks was the right thing to say to wake them up. Because telling them that they needed to protect their fellow man didn't faze either of them. Reality is she is increasing her risk of contracting the virus by not wearing a mask.

As others have said, let it go and let the shop owners deal with her. You can tell her that you don't want to hear her grumblings about it, it is okay to not be her dumping ground.
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What about a pretty patterned mask? All the well dressed ladies are wearing these Mother - but yours is the prettiest!
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Patathome01 Aug 2020
Get some to match outfits, too!
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Residents in my mother's AL were recently offered regular COVID tests but she rejected the idea at once, saying she was past caring, or something similar (this is someone who has refused to go to hospital again if she gets a third bout of pneumonia and pulmonary blood clots). I tried to explain that it was to protect others too, such as my son's new baby, whom Mum hasn't seen yet, but she didn't listen. My brother didn't help by saying how uncomfortable the test was.

She complains about masks too!
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Chriscat83 Aug 2020
A narcissist would never understand the need to have a test in a communal living place or wear a mask to protect others. They only ever think of themselves. In repeating the advice I’ve had from my post here, just let her get on with it and do her own thing!
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Thanks to all of you for your helpful responses. It is now patently obvious that I should let her do what she wants, it’s not my problem and the relevant authorities in shops etc will deal with her if they need to. Funny how we are all able to see these solutions in other people’s situations but less so in our own!! Also I smiled at her behaviour being described as toddler-like. My husband and I have often said over the years that it’s like dealing with a toddler, so how perceptive that this has been picked up by others just from my describing one scenario. Thanks again!
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Patathome01 Aug 2020
The alternate choice is to stay home.
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Stop taking her to the shops. Many people have objections to mask wearing. I live in a state where masks are mandated. I live in a rogue county where not even the political leaders wear them. It has become very political and so many have lost track that it is a public health issue.
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The mantra everywhere is social distancing, hand washing and masks - it just is. She'll either soon become accustomed to masking or she won't, and I certainly won't blame you for refusing to escort someone who is acting like a toddler with a tantrum if she doesn't.
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*Everybody* is having this problem! - if not with their nearest and dearest, then with the people we all encounter as we daily attempt to negotiate the new rules.

As far as your own mother is concerned, I'd say step back. This is not a battle worth picking. Your mother will be told by the people with the right authority in each given place what she is required to do. If she won't comply, do not attempt yourself to make her but neither should you back her up when she gets herself into arguments. Do the right thing yourself and otherwise, as regards her, stay neutral. If she goes on and on about it and you can't stand another word, say: "yes, it's a pain. Whining doesn't help, however."

I've no confidence at all in a standard mask's being an effective barrier, but the current reality is that wearing one where required to is simple good manners. You could try telling your mother that she should no more go into a shop without a mask than she would go topless.

If she genuinely does find breathing through a mask uncomfortable (i.e. it isn't just a matter of getting used to it) you could suggest a wearable plastic shield*. It won't do her hair-do any favours, and unless it's very high quality indeed it's a pain to see through, but it does make speaking easier. Mind you, I keep bumping into things - you really get to understand how dogs feel when they come back from the vet's wearing the "lampshade of shame."

*Some clients lip-read, so when we can't wear masks we use shields instead.
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Beatty Aug 2020
I added the 'lampshade of shame' over my mask to buy petrol yesterday. It fogged immediately, I tried to push it up a bit & the elastic broke out of the staples on one side. I persevered & returned the pump nozzle, disposed of my gloves, walked into the shop & successfully paid without touching a thing & found my car again while hardly being able to see. I drove home with the face shield up & the mask under my chin. I would have ripped them off but the mask is attached to the back of my hair with a special clip as my ears developed pressure sores. And the face shield staples were now caught in my hair. Under my chin is a festering line of pimples.

At this stage I was wondering if some sort of complete body suit like an olympic swimmer (with my head covered too) would be easier. All dignity is gone.
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