My parents live in filth but refuse help, what can I do?

Oh, dear. I feel sorry for you. I have only had to deal with one parent at a time.
How have your siblings stayed out of the fray? Do they go over, at all?
Would you consider calling the health department and reporting your folks? There are places that actually have departments, that handle hoarding and filth.

I had a dear friend that didn't even out live her mother, because she was the one doing the running and taking the calls. As many times as I told her "Do not answer the phone." She kept doing the same thing over and over, every day. It actually drove most of her friends away.

I am reading 2 good books, that are helping me understand people like your folks. They have helped a lot.

In order to protect them and yourself please get a Power of Attorney, covering both financial and medical issues for both of your parents if possible. I can relate and understand your frustration with the situation, I have had my fill of clutter and filth. Until something forces your dad's hand, you may just have to protect yourself by enforcing your boundaries.

I had a very similar experience, eventually I overrode them and had carer's in every 4 hours, warned the authorities it would take something tragic and t did...my mother had a stroke and Social Sevices became involved...they took one look at the place and decided in a "best interest" Both parents are in a care home and I'm desperately trying to sell a dump!

Call your local Human or Social Services and ask to speak to their Adult Protection Unit caseworker. They will help you get a handle on this. The sooner you contact them the better off you will all be! Good Luck!

If the filth is as bad as you say you can call your local government and see if they will help you, or threaten them with that. You need someone else with some authority on your side. Also when you take them to the doctor have the doctor evaluate them for dementia. If the doctor is willing to state in writing that they are impaired then you have something you can go to court with. Yes, you may have to go to court in order to solve this because people have free will until they are declared unfit to care for themselves. Obviously they are not being reasonable. You will have to force them by law in order to protect them from themselves.

Boy! Do I GET you. My mother is/was a hoarder. Let me tell you that inevitably everything is going to fall in your lap anyway, so you might as well do what you have to do now. I lived out of state and would visit every vacation and holiday break. I'd spend the entire time cleaning, spraying roaches, etc. She protested everything I did, but I just kept cleaning and secretly tossing crap. She'd threaten to call the police and I'd tell her go ahead. But she never did and I knew she would not. When I'd leave, my mother would thank me. Surprise! I'd cry on my way home because I wanted so much better for her. But she refused to leave her home and for the most part was functional. What I'd also confessed to myself, and I'm sure you have, too, is wondering what other people think: "How could a child let her parents live that way?" I tell you to forget about them. They've got family secrets, too. With the dementia your parents are going to become fully dependent on you sooner or later, so you might as well edge your way into taking control now and do what you KNOW is best. I prayed a lot asking God to help me do the right thing. If you need them to sign papers like power of attorney, tell them it's something else, just get it done by any means necessary. I am telling you from experience YOU will be left with the mental, physical and financial burdens. I had to get over being the obedient child and become the parent. You are entitled to your life, too. If you don't make the mental transition to becoming the parent/caregiver ASAP, later you will resent that your parents' folly has overtaken your life and you have none.

Might someone be able to take them away from the house for the day, so that you can get things in order? It may not make them happy, but at least you'll haev a handle on things.

I know how hard it is to go over their heads, but, you must stand tall. Find your strength, and do what you know is right. I had the same problems. After all was said and done, and two years later, my mother said Thank you. Good Luck, my heart goes out to you.

I would notify your siblings that you are NOT going to be involved anymore and one or more of them had better take over. Then call the Health department and social services as someone else posted. Do not be available as the contact person or your life as you know it is OVER.
I know your type, and they need to stop creating us because it is dangerous to our health, although our relatives think we are big chumps, convenient in the scheme of their lives.
Think of yourself, think of yourself. Repeat that and remember that you have a life to live.
I remember cleaning dog hair from behind a refrigerator at my mother's husband's house, and the dog had been dead for 10 years. I got yelled at, so what else is new? No, don't make any more attempts to "FIX" anything. RUN!!!
Only sane, responsible people will appreciate your efforts, so don't be surprised when the siblings and your parents start blaming you for all that has gone wrong. It's the Twilight Zone, for real.

Call Adult Protective Service (APS) they can send out a social worker and determine if it is a safe environment for your parents. I don't see you having too much power here to change the way they are living but it may give you a little peace of mind to let a government agency make that decision. The best thing would be to move them to an assisted living type of environment but you can not do that against their wishes.

I hear you!!! I completely get your dilemma! I suppose it comes to a time when you have to just take matters in your hands. Not that it is going to be easy, but something you can live with....

I would first try consulting an elder care program that might be able to intervene. Like human services. I would make sure to let them know that you have tried and been refused on help. It does NOT sound like a safe environment, and I really don't think "Dad" should be driving at all. I think it sounds like they need to be in either a full care nursing home or an assisted living home. I don't think it sounds like they would be candidates to move in with you or obviously you in with them. I can tell that wouldn't work.

Hopefully by checking with Social Services or some other 3rd party group, they can do the move and you can swoop in and be supportive (and the good guy! Yeahh!) I can't imagine they would leave them in that situation.

I would also do my homework a head of time so that you can have some realistic ideas of what facilities will work for them. Get references, talk to people living in the places, etc. Don't just talk to staff, they will tell you what you want to hear if they want your business.... (I am a nurse, I know.) Not all nursing homes are bad, but certainly not all are good either, not by a far cry!!! Do your homework and save the headaches from happening later.

You can also check with their Doctor and get ideas too, that might be a good place to start. He might be able to say without going to Social Services, "They need full time care!!" and that might solve it too....

My parent's also live in filth and allowed my 53yo sister to move in. she is a hoarder of the first degree. I had to seek professional help to deal with the guilt of letting go of my care for them since they disreguard my advice and I refuse to visit while my filthy ,abusive, irresponsible sister lives there. BUT these are the choices they have made. I am not responsible for them, nor am I going to waste my life trying to get them to change. Take care of yourself. Let everyone else live with the consequences of their actions, Find your own peace.

KnotJust4Me, that's a good idea in theory. Actually, that's what my kids and I did. My moms house was like a "model" home after 14 hours of cleaning and purging. I'd warned her this was what was going to happen if she continued to live in unsafe environment. Well, we committed the crime of the century and she never forgave us, eventually disowning us. I should've called the authorities, in hindsight, and let them be the bad guys. She didn't want to go to a nursing home and the kids and I were trying to help her stay at home. Whatever I had decided, she wasn't going to like it. Now 2 years later after her death my sister and I are having lawyers sell her "dump" because my sister refuses to talk to me. Can we say family dysfunction!!!!

Oh wow---this is my situation almost exactly!! i know just how you feel! i am laughing even though this is not at all funny because your story is my life. you are definitely not alone. i am an only child and my mom passed away suddenly last year leaving my 81 year old dad in their falling down filthy house alone. she did everything so it went from really bad to much worse very fast! He has never done repairs or maintenance on this house which is over 100 years old. the exterior is "haunted house" style and the interior is cluttered and filthy. i can't even describe the kitchen and the bathrooms---just horrible. when i attempt to clean anything or even straighten up to get tripping hazards out of the way he gets very very agitated and starts yelling and screaming at me to stop. he likes me to sit and visit with him which i do almost every day but the experience for me is very stressful and upsetting because it is not the atmosphere i grew up in---the house when i was growing up was clean and neat and my mom made beautiful meals and holidays. the degree of deterioration is drastic and shocking and upsetting. i would be thrilled to be able to go in there and throw out and clean up and i know i could make a huge improvement for him in no time but he wont allow it. i have tried to tell him that the state of the house upsets me extremely and causes me a great deal of stress but he doesn't care. he says it doesn't bother him so why should it bother me. it is a very hard situation i know...it is embarassing also because any outsider would think that you are neglecting them which you are not. we have a family friend who is an elderly retired catholic nun who is a very funny and very wise woman. she told me not to worry about it. she said to pick up tripping hazards as best and as fast as i can when i am there even if i am getting yelled at. she said to ignore the dust and dirt and just try to do what i can. if they are eating in a dirty kitchen but not getting sick from it then don't stress over it. she said not to eat or drink anything there if i don't want to. it is not easy---hang in there.

A friend at work had this same situation. Her mother was in the early stages of Alzheimers, and her Dad had emphysema and was on oxygen. The house was a wreck, her mother wouldn't bathe or use the toilet, no one cooked or cleaned. And dear ole Dad went everyday and bought take out. My friend, who lived five hours away, finally had enough. She made an appointment with her Mothers doctor and she explained to them on the phone the situation. Apparently, you have to have the doctor on-board and he has to diagnose the Alzheimers. It was a stressful day trying to get her Mother to even go to the doctor. My friend told her mother it was a routine yearly check-up. Anyway, the doctor did diagnose her mother with Alzheimers, and that is what laid the ground work to get these folks into assisted living.

Her Dad knew her mother was losing it, but he didn't care. He wanted to stay where he was and very difiant about it. Well, my friend took time off from work to make appointments and get social services involved. After six months of working on this, finally, these two were put in an assisted living home. The mother was eventually transferred to a facilty for Alzheimers patients. And Dad is happy as a clam. He found buddies to play cards with and he has no more worries about cleaning and cooking. It was a win-win for everyone. My friend had to sell their home and belongings to help with costs, but in the end, she was satisfied that her parents are in a much better situation. She doesn't have to worry anymore. It took a lot of courage and love to do this for her folks. But she can sleep at night and she can finally enjoy her family.

God Bless and good luck to you in this journey.

I can relate, somewhat, to your situation. My parents live out of state and every time I visit (vacations, holidays, etc) I clean, clean, clean. I don't know if it's because they can't see the dirt or don't care or can't clean. Also, my Dad is a hoarder (not quite as bad as on TV but getting there). He won't let anyone touch any of his stuff. He has piles of paper and magazines and "stuff" piled all around the living room, folded clothes that he no longer wears are piled in the bedroom, the bedroom closets are stuffed with clothes they no longer wear. Yet he won't let anyone touch anything. Once when we cleaned up a couple of his piles, he got really mad at us. But after we left to go home that's when the s*it really hit the fan. He raged and raged at my mom and then gave her the silent and/or nasty treatment for a couple of weeks. I'd love to clean again on my next visit, but I know my Mom will suffer the consequences. I think that's one reason why my Mom won't clean -- there's too much of his stuff all around so why bother? Their carpet is over 30 years old and filthy yet because my Dad won't get rid of his "piles" they can't get new carpet. I think they're still safe in the house, just a shame that it has to be so dirty and cluttered.

You may have to "have it out" with your sibling, but don't leave with just a fight. Go in with suggestions on how they can help you get this done. Is anyone willing to take your parents out someplace as a diversion, while you and the one you get through too (there's always one who just won't budge) power through the house like you're clearing a crime scene? You have to have everything you need with you in your trunk because you won't have a lot of time. Second, never visit without bring food and paper products. Always tell them you knew YOU would be hungry or you had a taste for this and didn't want to eat alone. Always make it about you to keep them off the defense. Finally all of the suggestions about getting Protective Services, etc. involved is a must. You can't do it alonel We are experiencing a very similar situation and good suggestions were offered here. Thank you for asking.

I moved in with my folks. Old farmhouse lots of stuff... too big for them to care for. I had to empty out a room to live in. I did not let them see me do that, I'm sure they would have had a fit. Rented a dumpster and told them we would get rid of junk. house needed a good cleaning as well. Convinced them attic and cellar needed cleaning at least. I too would try to sneak garbage out the door. It surprised me how difficult this was for my dad. He would go through everything and ask why I was getting rid of this or that: "Seriously dad... it's a broken lamp." "I can fix it," he would answer. We ended up arguing over garbage that he had not looked at in the past 15 years! One day he yelled at me, "I'm not dead yet!" That's when I realized that things were not the issue. He was trying to hang on to his abilities, his, hobbies, his independence; much of which he had already lost. So... I had a small storage unit that I moved my own belongings into when I came here. I got some bins and said, "we will pack what your not using in these, and put them in storage. If you need anything here, we can go get them anytime (yes, even the broken lamp). After starting this way, my folks became more open to moving the stuff out. It made them feel in control to sit and sort their own belongings. When they had a hard time deciding on something, it was designated to storage. This spring some of that stuff is leaving forever, woohoo! Since they have not missed it in the past 8 months, they have agreed to donate some, and trash others. I have learned to develop even more patience, and to leave the dignity of choice in their hands. You are very loving to try to help your folks. My siblings are also not involved, take it as a compliment that they call you. It's because they trust you, and are reaching out to you for help... even if it doesn't sound that way. As they have become more dependent on me they have given me more freedom to make choices for them. It's a long road your on, and won't be fixed overnight. Make sure you get support from agencies, healthcare workers (These have encouraged my folks to listen to me), friends and family. I had a family day where my brother, his wife and kids, came to help me remove a really gross, cat stained carpet, from a a room in the house. They haven't been back since, but hey... spring is coming!

Thank you all for your kind responses. I actually do have POA - financial and medical - so I'll be able to do what I need to when the time comes. By "the time" I mean when my dad's mind has gone far enough that he won't fight me on every move. How horrible is that? I want his mind to deteriorate faster so I can get some control without worrying about him screaming at me and/or talking down to me like I am a complete idiot. He is 6''3 and over 200 lbs and very scary. I'm not worried that he'd actually hurt me, but the little girl in me comes out when Daddy gets angry and I'm very intimidated. Anyway, after reading several posts here it doesn't look like the anger ever goes away so I guess I can stop hoping for that now. I have considered calling Social Services or whichever agency might handle such things but I've been hesitant because I don't want to humiliate my parents. And I'm worried that Dad will change POA to one of my other siblings because he'll be SO angry with me, and none of my siblings have the sense to have POA. I know that sounds awful but I'm serious... they cannot take care of their own affairs much less those of two aging, sick parents. My oldest brother is actually physically and mentally challenged and is starting to depend on me more and more himself, so yay, me! Whole other subject, though, that I'll save for later. In answer to your question, Chicago 1954, 'How have my siblings stayed out of the fray?'... My older brother, referenced above, who's 9 years older than me is not mentally capable of understanding there is even a problem so he cannot really be of any help, my younger brother, 9 years younger than me, has a full-time job and two boys under the age of five so I kind of give him a "pass" (I have a full-time job as well, of course, but no children of my own). My sister, on the other hand is as free as a bird, with no children and a husband who takes care of her every need -- she does visit my parents for an hour or so once or twice a week but she does nothing to actually help and won't lift a finger to clean. She seems to think it's perfectly normal to live in filth(?) She's not much of a housekeeper herself, although she certainly doesn't live like my parents do. She just doesn't care how they live as far as I can tell. I've tried to talk to her about it and have even offered to PAY her to clean weekly - just the toilet and tub since they won't really allow anything else, but she won't even do that and she gets crazy mad at me for even suggesting that she should do anything to help. How dare I try to interfere with her carefree life?? ANYWAY... I did go talk to someone at Senior Services who advised me to just basically give up on trying to clean and wait for something tragic to happen that will force them to let me move one or both of them or allow someone to come in and clean and care for them. That seems so wrong to me but I've pretty much been taking that advice recently just to save my own sanity. Going into their house was making me literally physically ill -- my chest would get so tight I feared I would have a heart attack. No kidding. So, I'm trying to let it go. I feel like my parents were killing me and they would most certainly outlive me if I don't give up -- for now, at least. I will still pay their bills for them and take them back and forth to their doctors appointments but I just can't do anything else..... Except I will continue to secretly toss crap whenever I can -- JoEna1 - I totally feel you on that! But boy, have I gotten in a lot of trouble before. I am amazed at what Dad will realize is missing. I don't know how he can possibly even know what he has in all of that mess, much less how he knows when it's gone. Wow.... talk about screaming. You'd think I stole his puppy (which, by the way, I'd love to do because they never take the poor thing outside and they just let it do its business on the floor - sometimes they clean it up, sometimes they don't). And I also feel you on the crying. In the past couple of years I'd just start crying as soon as I walked into the house. It's all so overwhelming - no matter how much I cleaned the time before even more stuff would have accumulated and the sight of it would bring me to tears immediately. And, oh my, the roaches! Mom and Dad act like they're pets -- don't care at all. I have finally managed to get roach traps in every nook and cranny of the house when Dad wasn't looking and solved that problem for the most part. And, YES, I have lived in fear that someone will visit them, friends from church or something, and judge *me* for "letting" them live that way. Mom had surgery a couple years ago and I found out a lady from church was coming to bring them a meal -- I actually called the lady and told her she could not come. You should've heard her voice -- shocked, and so judgemental -- 'this evil child of theirs won't even let them have visitors.' I could hear it all in her voice, but I didn't care; the main objective was to make sure no one saw that house. ANYWAY....I'm sorry I'm rambling on and on. I just have no one else to talk to about this and finding this site made me so happy to feel like I could finally get some things off my chest! I mean, I hate that all of us are going through something bad that brings us all to this site, but it's so nice to know there are people who UNDERSTAND ME and don't judge. Thank you all again for your kindness, and thanks for listening!! Chicago 1954, what two books are you reading? Perhaps I can pick up some copies of them myself....

Oh! So many more responses while I was writing my novel above. I have to get back to work for now but I will be back as soon as possible to read the new responses. :)

I agree with contacting Office Of Aging in their county, they can direct you on who to call for help. I have used them in the past and they have been of great help for me. My mother was a hoarder and to this day still is. I would spend my entire weekend cleaning her place and for what to turn around within 2 weeks be back to the way it was. I finally gave up, it was mentally exhausting and she wasn't going to change this late in life. Now she does have a caregiver that comes over during the day and does keep her place neat & clean. Thank God for these caregivers, they will have a place in heaven. Please get help, if not your siblings then unfortunately, you will need to take care of this on your own. There will be hurt feelings with your parents, but you have to decide what is best for their safety. Take care. :)

Wow, some of you are bringing me to tears. As sorry as I have been feeling for myself, I feel terrible knowing so many of you are going through the same thing. I just want to give you all a big hug. You all seem so brave and your answers have been so helpful; I feel my own strength and bravery building up already. I can do this. I will certainly be taking some of the advice from each one of you. RGARDEY, I especially like your idea of the bins and the storage unit outside. I think my dad might just go for that!! (Assuming, of course, that I lie and tell him the bins and the storage unit were given to me by someone for free. Spending money on useful things is a SIN, and anything received free is like hitting the multi-million dollar lottery for him. As evidenced by the big yellow school bus that now sits in his yard with weeds growing up all around it. Serves no purpose other than being a horrible eye-sore for all the neighbors, but hey(!)... it was free!) Sigh.... :)

Can you use the yellow school bus for storage, and then when the time comes, trash bus,contents and all? ((((((hugs)))))

A few years ago my mom and her husband went to an anniversary party in another city. They were gone for four days, and when they came back, VOILA, the house was clean and once again orderly. It had been a number of years since the house had had a good cleaning, and who knows how long since any junk mail was thrown out. If the dementia has progressed enough the change will not be noticeable upon their return.

Can a family member take them out of town on a short jaunt, but long enough, to allow you time to go through everything and clean? I would definitely ask for help with this task, since I know it will be huge.

EMJO, why didn't I think of that? Excellent idea. And it will make Dad feel so important that his bus is finally being used for something. I can see him swelling up with pride now... 'Look how useful my bus is!'. Thanks!

GladImHere -- I tried that a couple of summers ago (my sis-in-law helped me) . To say Dad was angry is quite an understatement. The house was back to the same filth and clutter within a matter of weeks (he goes out and collects clutter -- who knows where??) but I didn't hear the end of it for months. Not ready to put myself through that again. The dementia has not progressed far enough for him not to notice, but it is much further along than it was the last time I tried. Perhaps I'll be able to try it again before too much longer(?)

As you can probably gather from my comments Mom wouldn't mind at all if I cleaned except she knows the wrath both she and I will suffer if I do, so she just keeps quiet, and dares not throw anything away....

I understand completely about the filth and the other family members who won't help. I learned a couple things while taking care of my grandmother that are now helping me deal with my mother. I don't ask anyone to "help" after I've described how badly I'm being treated because it scares them away. Instead, I ask a specific person to do a specific task. I got my mother involved in caring for her mother by asking her if she would just commit to taking Gram to the hairdresser every two weeks. This was a task she felt comfortable with - nothing medical or emotional. While Gram was out with Mom, I cleaned the heck out of the house and Gram never even noticed. If I tried to clean while she was there, she became highly agitated and tried to stop me. (I've seen this behavior in many older people, by the way.)
You can always call Social Services. Someone from the Dept. of Health may come to assess the situation but it has to be bad enough to be a danger to the residents before they will act. Living in filth isn't illegal. However, you can sometimes put a scare into your parent if they BELIEVE that Social Services can remove them from their home if the mess isn't cleaned up. I used this one with my Gram also, telling her that if she and the house weren't in good shape when the "Inspector" comes, I could get accused of neglect and they could put her "in a home". The appearance of anyone official at the front door can do alot to wake them up.
I do think it is important for your sanity and everyone's respect to clearly express your concerns to them without rage, outline the steps you intend to take and create a timeline. (Writing it down and leaving it with them is a good idea too.) If they do not begin to take action before a specific date, then a specific action will be taken. And then DO that action. The hard part is to have this discussion without sounding like it is a threat. Use lots of "I" statements - not accusing "You" statements. I repeat many times that I don't WANT to do any of these things but that I would feel IRRESPONSIBLE if I did not step in and that I am very concerned for their safety and health when I see x...y...z.. This sometimes works with my controlling mother. Any statement that starts with "You" - like "you need to let me clean the house" is received by her as an attack, an insult or my desire to get control over her. If I tell her how upset the mess makes me, she can pretend she's just letting me do it because I'm so emotional. (who cares as long as I can clean.!)
Instead of feeling guilty, or wondering what the neighbors think, I practice telling myself that I want my mother to be safe and happy and my ego needs to stay out of this. It is better to watch a total stranger doing the job well than to drive myself insane and accomplish very little. If a neighbor wants to clean a litter box, God bless her.
I don't have much faith in the idea of getting your father declared incompetent by the court because you said he treats you differently than the other siblings. If he can turn his behavior on and off, how charming do you think he will be when he is interviewed by the people who are questioning his competency? Also, that process can take about two years in the New York court system. Who has that much time?
MOST IMPORTANT RULE: No one is more deserving of your care than YOU! Set boundaries, get lots of support and don't get depressed if you can't get much accomplished until the next crisis. If you need to walk away, then do it.

Same thing here ( A little long) My parents lived in the same fashion and also had a dog in the house. They hid used Depends in the cabinets. The house just stunk! The hardest part was having people judge me for allowing them to live like that. Unless you are in this position, you don't get it. Do they get dressed? My mom would sit in her soiled nightgown all day. One day she became very ill with an infection and was hospitalized. We took advantage of the situation and got social services and her doctor involved. They got her into the nursing home for a few weeks under Medicare. We then threaten my Dad that the authorities would not allow his wife to come home unless he got help and cleaned up. Acutally, we had the social worker visit the house and do the threatening. We "held mom hostage" at the nursing home until they spoke with an attorney and got their affairs in order, including a power of attorney for both of them. My children, myself and an outside cleaning service went through the entire house, even removing some pieces of furniture. We told them we put it in storage (just not that the storage was at the landfill). Mom came home, she wasn't mad, but more relieved by what we had done. By that time Dad was glad she was home and settled down. They were eliglable for a program that pays for a lady to come a couple hours a day and keep up on the housecleaning. They have a CNA and physical therapist that comes twice a week to help with personal cleanliness and keep them moving. A nurse comes every two weeks to check on their health. I think you hit on a few points. They don't want to move. This is their home. They hoard stuff. Getting rid of stuff is admitting your life is coming to an end. I felt my parents were very angry at knowing they were losing their independence and facing the end of their lives. Their vision has deteriated to a point that they don't see some of the dirt, and their sense of smell is dimmished and they don't know how bad it smells. Not to mention they don't understand half of what is going on because they don't hear. Even with a hearing aide my Dad's hearing is greating diminished. The doctor put my mom on an antidepressant - big help! Their finances, even though they were having trouble sorting things out were sacred to them. If I touched an piece of mail they would scream. It didn't happen over night and there was alot of yelling. We had to get the social worker back more than once to keep them on track. We went through two help at home workers. The third one is an angel and they look forward to her coming. Once they realized we had their best interest at heart and were not trying to "steal" their money and home they settled down and became quite enjoyable to visit. With the help of his homemaker, Dad is cooking cornbeef and cabbage today. As with your story, a year ago I would have never gone to their home to eat. They are 95 and 97 and have now come to realize to be able to live in their home is a very special thing at their age and greatly appreciate the help they get. The biggest thing that helped us was getting outside resouces involved. My parents were not about to have their "kid" tell them what to do, but they did listen to a third party. Down deep they confronted the fear of having to leave the home if they did not accept help. There has been a very special part too. My mother has opened up with stories of her life she never would have shared. Ironically, expect for lack of a cell phone, she led a life that is pretty typical of a young woman growing up today. Moving into her first apartment, her trip to a strip club with her girl friends at 21, dumping her first boyfriend because he was to controlling, spending way too much on here wedding, the feelings she dealt with on her five year quest to get pregnant. Fearing they could lose the house when my Dad was out of work. I know that even if we are not confronted with a medical crisis, there will come a time when they will not be able to stay in their home any longer, but each day that they can stay together is a gift. Start with call your local department on aging or the Social Services department at your hospital. If you don't like the first answer, keep searching. There are resouces available.

Whenistover2 and Coco490, thanks so much for sharing your stories and for your wonderful advice. Coco490, Dad gets dressed most every day; he still likes to get outside and work in the yard. He has a vegetable garden and potted plants EVERYWHERE, inside and out. Mom sits in her gown most days, same spot at the kitchen table, watching her little TV and either eating (quite a bit) or writing in / taping things in one of her many little journals.