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All the answers you received are great. the most important is the DIGNITY. No matter how bad my mom was with herr Alzheimers/dementia, plus other health problems I was there for her. To give her support. My mom forgot everyone in her life even her husband, grandchildren and my hubby. My children and hubby would visit all the time. but they did not mind. She loved to color and watch movies, I would always take out the photo album or play music. Some songs she did remember. My mom passes away at 88, she knew until the end. I had bought her a special teddy bear that sang a song (that's what friends are for) froma daughter to a mom it read on its little purple sweater. She loved little teddy, When mom was going she held on to it plus my hand until the end. I placed it with her in the gravesite. I went out an order another for myself in memory of her. If mom wants to help let her, you may have to correct some things, be greatful that she can stay with you. This is a great web site. it helped me out through some bad times. I did go to doctors for help. All they did was try to go back to my past childhood. I also found a assisting living ( not the one mom was at) They had meeting every third Thursday of the month just to talk.That also helped. Remember to take care of yourself also. Like shelltbelly stated WE only get one chance with life make sure the rst of life is filled with love.
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Let her do some small meaningful things around the house...certainly do not let her cook, clean, rake leaves, do laundry, or operate any machine...but maybe a little sewing or some light dusting old pictures, or maybe fold some clothes. Don't let her put things away, get the mail, or listen in on family decisions....not her place...senior center drop off ...learn to play bridge.
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my mother in law has demetia and is 87. she likes to help sometime so she sets the dinner table. i put the plates,utensils,glasses, and napkins on the table for her. i put the right amount for each person and then she can usually place them out right. if she doesnt, we just switch them around without her noticing. we always let her think its right. you dont want to critize any help, or hurt their feelings.
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My Mom on occasion will unload the dishwasher, and that is a great help.
She does this when I least expect it, and really appreciate it.
I have started taking her to the beauty shop every-week instead of every 2 weeks and yesterday she was awake and pretty good all day. Not so much today, she is really sleeping alot.
Just seems like there is one child in each family that is willing to help out, I have a sister that has been mad at me since I moved my mother in with me. And if it is not about money what else could it be? Did she really want her own mother sitting in a home by herself everyday?? She calls mom about once or twice a month. She came for Christmas 2 weeks before Christmas, which reallly confused my mom.
My brother and sister both live out of state.My brother has been a great moral support for me and my mother as well.
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Hang in there everyone, this is a tough ride.
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Be glad your mom can do things around the house. I know when mom was in the nursing home from time to time I would always have her hair done. She did like also. In today's life with the way our hospitals work and some times even docotor they don't think what it be like if it was one of there own family member going through the same thing. It's not even about age. If you go into a hospital these days and do not have some one who will be there with you if you very sick. They will do anything they want to you, run test that are not needed. It almost happen to mom several times but I was there to stop it. Life should be lived with diginity and care, love. Any one who has a parent and you are the caregiver I know ever thing that can go wrong. Yes there are many good people out there, but there are more that just don't care. Just like lindagabriel sated Hang in there, it is a tough ride you are not alone. This web site me through some very tough times.
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Quit expecting. That is for your wellbeing.
My mother was a hoarder, even after moving in with us at one time. Had I learned to think of her a an unrelated person and not expected what I knew was not going to change or cease, I would have been a lot happier, she would have been a lot happier and it would have added years to my life and my health.
BTW, after I brought my mother home on hospice, I went into full blown menopause the third month. It was so stressful. I asked my endocrinologist if stress could have caused such an immediate change....."Yes!" was his answer.
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Linda Gabriel's remark is going to become a plaque in our home. It says it ALL.
"Hang in there everyone, this is a tough ride.".....Yes it is....yes it is.
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Loss is loss, but long-term relationships are especially hard to cope with. Also, transitioning from independence to living in someone else's home is also a loss. Feeling like a guest in someone's home is especially difficult. Setting her up with daily activities is especially important. It will make her feel like a vital part of the community and create a sense of belonging. It will also help keep isolation and loneliness at bay. A person that reaches 80 plus is also difficult because physical limitations are another form of loss. Try to maintain a sense of humor and joke whenever possible (if that is something that works with your MIL). Simple daily activities, such as having someone take her to the store, the hairdresser, or even going out to an early lunch or a movie will break up the boring daily grind. It will take some effort and teamwork, but it will help her transition. Everyone grieves at their own pace, and I am sure she will need more time. Hope this helps. (Graduate student in gerontology and thanatology)
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Patricia, you mentioned dementia and alzheimers. I recently read an article on virgin organic coconut oil that helps with dementia and alheimers. Google it and do your research. It is supposed to really help for those individuals who suffer from these afflictions. Hope this helps.
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Feeling you are contributing, even in small ways, can lend much to feeling good about yourself...at any age. If she is able maybe she can help fold some laundry, maybe cooking with you or your wife, or teaching you a recipe (sometimes teaching someone is a great feeling). Depending on her abilities there are always little things you will find someone can do when sitting.

Because I live in my mothers house, but separate living quarters, we still "do" holidays and relative/friend visits in her space...sort of tradition. So though I do the cooking, cleaning, planning, etc. she picks out the linens, tableware and sets the table....if she can help out with setting tables for meals it may give her a sense of something she had done before
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If your MIL has depression, doing something is a great start to bringing her out of the depression. She will come out with help; time heals all things.
Since she moved in with you and out of her "native territory" her own home, she might feel hesitant to do anything, She's doesn't understand what is expected of her. You have to show her what's OK, and what's not. If she has dementia, that magnifies the problem because being out of their own territory is very disorienting for them. It's important for you to show her that her contribution to the household is wanted, even needed. Peope of the older generations were schooled to be productive; being a bum-do nothing person was off-limits for them. You can assume she wants to contribute.
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My guess is that if she wants to help around the house, you won't be able to stop her. If she doesn't want to help around the house, you won't be able to do it. Your best bet is to make peace with however she is and make the rest of her life everything she can allow it to be. Good Luck. God Bless You.
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Yes she should do what ever she is able to do-she will sleep better if she is active during the day.
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Yes, let her do whatever she is able and willing to do, that you or your wife can tolerate. My MIL is 90 and has found tasks that are within her abilities that she has claimed for her own....she folds most of the laundry on wash day, for instance. She can sit down to do it, and it takes much of the afternoon, but it also frees me to do other jobs around the house. She keeps my kitchen tidy. I sometimes have to search for items that she sticks somewhere because she does not remember where they are supposed to go, and she often washes the dishes with soap before they go in the dishwasher (sigh) but I feel that is a small price to pay for the reward of seeing her busy and happy. She has worked all her life and is not content to just sit. She does not watch TV, and reading and word puzzles can only occupy a certain number of hours in the day. Last summer she helped process the garden produce...shelling peas, snapping beans, slicing squash, chopping tomatoes, pitting cherries, etc. for freezing or canning. Sometimes I could do the job faster by myself, but it is nice to have someone to talk with while working in the kitchen. I do final packaging and/or processing. Most of the jobs are things she has done since childhood (her short term memory is shot and learning new things just doesn't happen). She does get tired after awhile, and I send her off for a nap and finish the job. It takes patience, but we work together rather well most of the time and she feels like she is part of the family, like she is "earning her keep" and not being a "burden". I will miss her help when she can no longer do these things.
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I know my MIL likes to set the dinner table. I put everything on the table for her and she puts them in place. Granted alot of times they arn't placed right but I just switch them when she isn''t looking. She really can't fold laundry if it's clothes because she gets frustrated,so I just give her the towels and wash clothes and she can usually do those.
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I am 63 and probably stopped doing CHORES on my 60th birthday. I only do what I want, when I want--washing dishes, sweeping floors, vacumming, etc. is not fun--a necessity, but not fun or stimulating! Sometimes I look at my glass top tables and say "OMG that table needs Windex!" The next week, I look at the same
tables and say the same thing. I finally hired a housekeeper and thank goodness, she is wonderful. What do I do when I am not doing chores? Watch tv, read, play games on the computer, work on my "pet projects"....any excuse not to pick up that dust rag. This is probably one of the least helpful answers you will receive, but, hey--I had 48 years of CHORES--and if I never do another one, don't you think 48 is enough? I also went through a phase of eating popcorn instead of cooking because I did not want to cook and popcorn tastes good if one is hungry enough.
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Trying to give them something also helps them feel a little self-indepence and worthy toward others that is if they are asking for something do around the house. My mistake was allowing the mnl do the dishes for I found out her eye sight is not quite as good as it was once before being diagnose with AZ. I have a vaccum cleaner bissel that requires no plugs in as for her to accidently drive over. I just plug it up and charge it and hand it to her to do her room and she is content. Whether she gets all of the mess up that don't matter for its more important for her to feel self-worthy and needed. Eventhough she can be hard as crap to get along with sometimes. I also let her rearrange her clothes from the drawer to other places like her suitcase just to keep her busy beside watching tv all day. Like someone else stated, they r still human and they need to be felt needed and loved whether we get it in return.
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If they have ever knitted or crochet putting yarn and hooks or needles in their hands it might come back to them and that would give them pleasure-where I live we have a group of women that meet in our library to do crafts and we have a blast doing many different crafts.
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My mother knits caps for cancer patients and soldiers. They aren't perfect like her knitting used to be, but no one seems to care. I also look for yarn that is fluffy enough to hide any mistakes. Mom feels useful and keeps a record of how many caps she knits. There are wrist braces that are sold in craft stores to help with arthritis.
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We had a similar experience in that my MIL came to us after living with my sister for several years. My sister died and she had no place to go so it was a natural for her to come with us. Fortunately she had great health and mental capabilities for 95. So she was with us for 3 years and we left her do what she felt like. To tell the truth in a couple of years she had us spoliled. She would do laundry, ironing, sweep the patio, help with lawn care and help with meals all part of feeling needed. When we protested she would say she had to earn her keep. That's fine but we didn't want her in servitude either. She truly became a valuabe family member in our regular lives. Fast forward to July 2011. She had a massive stroke. Since returning she walks with assistance, were working on steps and the tables have turned and we are now trying to bring her back. It's long and slow. Enjoy what ever you get from your relationship. Good Luck.
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I moved in with my 90 year old Mom 2 years ago and it's been "learn as we go". Over the past 6 months I see her starting to become weaker so I have taken on more of the household chores. My Mom is very neat so she still straightens up her room and does some light cleaning. I do the laundry but instead of folding her clothes, I take the clean clothes to her in the basket and let her fold her clothes. Mom feeds the dog in the afternoon. The dog gives her companionship when I am not here. I have a corgi who is a therapy dog and right now she's the best therapy my Mom could have. We share the cooking and I make sure the ingredients are in the house for her to make her favorite recipes. Shopping is becoming more difficult for her so I have been doing it and my Sister will take her to the store during the week when I am at work. It takes a long time for her to go shopping but it's great exercise for her. My Mom's balance is off so we have to be really careful that she doesn't fall. Walker you ask? forget it...I have a very subborn Mom who will go from walking to a wheelchair, nothing in the middle. What I've learned in the past 2 years of being an adult woman living with another adult woman is that if you take it one day at a time, it's easier. You'll figure it out. Life is in the little things, like taking my Mom's coffee cup out of the cupboard when I grab mine in the morning or asking her if she wants anything while I am in the kitchen making myself something. Our objective is to keep them safe and offer them companionship and the security of knowing they are not living alone. We're doing a great thing, wishing you joy and many special and happy "moments".
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Anything she is capable of would be great. We all need to feel productive. If things are too hard, either ask her to keep you company while you work. Or if you don't want that (we all need our own productibe time), tell her she deserves her own time to read, watch tv or whatever it is she likes to do. We all just keep trying to get through this situation.
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We allow my 87 -year-old MIL to help with the chores that she finds easy to do and which she enjoys doing. For instance, she helped with cleaning the kitchen. In the past, she always took great pride in keeping her kitchen cleaned and enjoyed doing the dishes and tidying up. She has been doing that for two years. We have noticed in the last few months that she is having a harder time doing that so we have taken over the cleaning the kitchen for the most part and let her participate in helping us do a group project, like taking down the Christmas tree.

She also keeps her room tidy, however, I wash her linen and change her bed for her.

I hope that helps.
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She has experienced major losses: husband, home, belongings. And now having to turn to a child to care for her can't be an easy adjustment. I don't doubt she is depressed. Depression leads to loss of energy and interest in everything around her. Productive activity can reverse depression, IF she is not made to feel she is expected to do tasks. Accomplishing activities that she and others value will contribute to her sense of self esteem. Don't treat her like a child; you will never be her parent. You won't get far if you have that attitude. Instead, respect her for who she is and was.
Consider this: In her 87 years she has learned a lot. She has a legacy, a gift to share with you and her grand children. Seek that out.
Nurture her human side; what matters to her, make her feel special.
Engage her as an active partner in her own care. Encourage her to make decisions; and participate in family activities. Don't jump in and try to do everything for her.
Elderhood, that comes after childhood and adulthood, is a valuable phase in human development. Celebrate her at this stage of her life.

And be easy on yourself. This is not an easy job you have taken on.
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If she can help let her do some chores to keep her moving. Only those things she can do around the house. They feel good when they can help you out no matter if it big or small let them help if they can. Keep smiling to them and tell them they're doing a great job. They like that and may sure they get all the care they need, and remember to keep a legal services to protect your family issues as they arrive to make sure she received all her benefits as a senior so that she get all the care she can as you take care of her. Any questions about legal services email me maybe I can help you.
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I agree with the earlier posts, but it caught my attention because, at 87--if she is still able to help with chores--more power to her! I hope I am in such good health if I should (God forbid!) live to be that age!!!
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My father had a stroke about 5 years ago and the recent loss of my mother made me realize how much she had been helping him cope. He has had been in deep grief since losing my mom. He seemed uninterested in much that was going on around him. Recently, we got him involved in preparing dinner. The chores he does seem give him at least momentary distraction from his grief and reason to engage with other people. You should test the waters and see what your MIL has an interest in doing. Doing chores could help her and help you. Take care.
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I agree with the advice above. Sometimes doing something is a reminder of what we have lost and it takes time or a new tactic to want to do it again. Helping out with supervised or small safe tasks is an excellent way to keep the mind and motor skills working. Its always tempting to say just sit Ill do everything, but then not only do they get used to it and stop taking the initiative but they may feel you dont think they are able or that they doit wrong. I let mom help with whatever I deem safe and some days she buzzez around clearing the dished (one at a time mom !) and sometimes she can mop with the swiffer. I always thank her for helping out and even if she doesnt wash the dishes well I just pop them in the dishwasher after she goes to bed. Its important to feel needed and useful otherwise one loses a sense of purpose. Also I read that after a spouse has been taking care of their spouse who then passes, especially if that person was ill or disabled and required a lot of care, then the surviving spouse suddenly goes from a great responsibility to none and there is a big sense of loss there. So keepinf busy folding or dusting or any small thing lets them feel they are important and usefull as their world becomes smaller there is still some small thing they can control. Sometimes they need a little coaxing but if they are able it is important. If its only been a year she is still recovering from the loss and life change try buying her a plant, let her water it, find some small thing that can be special to her and she can feel an accomplishment with - sometimes a little white lie isnt such a bad thing meaning if you have to redo what they helped with just do it discreetly. Good luck
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Too much missing information. Does she seem to want to pitch in to feel useful, or is she content to rest on the laurels of a lifetime of responsibility? Does your wife want the help, or would MIL just be in the way? Is she cognitively able to follow through with any task? Physically able? It's often said that it's difficult having a mother and grown daughter in the same house. Each has her own way of doing things, and some personalities aren't good at giving up control. I believe that communication is key to getting this--or any situation--resolved. The three of you should sit down and discuss the matter so that everyone's feelings are considered.
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