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Since this is Dec. 18, 2012, I am wondering if this problem has been settled by now. If not, why? Corinne
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wow nows the time you take care of her. she shouldnt have to do anything. if she wants to do something she will but maybe she needs help and your not helping her. she just lost her husband. to you it may have been a year but to her its everyday.
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Every woman is different as she ages.

Interesting how difficult it is for a womans family to decide how to determine
what changes to make

As for me - Im all for hiring home care providers
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Well, today my mother enjoyed taking the brussell sprouts off the stalk for us. She also helped me bag up beets to freeze so we have them later next year. She was actually in a good mood! Happy Holidays to all
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Happy Holidays

Thanks for the interesting family story
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My Mom will be 88 in January and we are blessed that she is in such great shape. She loves doing all the laundry and does a great job, and she watches the pets while I am at work. I am noticing some dementia and have spoken with her doctro about it. She loves to work on puzzles and play cards, so I hope and pray she stays ok. It is just Mom and myself and that idea is beginning to terrify me.
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My mother needs to feel that she is doing something, whether it is shredding the lettuce for the salad or feeding the dog. I let her do as much as she feels capable of doing. Some days she can't make her bed - on those days I do it for her. Other days I go in and it's already done. Mom likes to do her own laundry and will ask if there's anything we have (do you have any whites, dear?) that could go in the same load. I believe that people who feel needed and useful life longer.
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When my mom first came to live with us at age 90+, she wanted to do as much as she could. She had always loved cleaning and helping. So she did the dishes and folded clothes. Made her own bed...as time has went on she was able to do less and less. Sometimes because she was getting physically older but alot was because she has forgotten how and so now she doesn't do anything. Her doctor said that not only did it make her feel worthy and needed and like she was helping us. IT was also good to keep her as active as she wanted or could be. It kept her body AND mind healthier. You will notice as things get too much for her or you start to find things in weird places. Like a dish towel in the fridge. They have been so active and for that to just stop, I believe that it makes them give up and ages then more quickly to not feel like they are an important part of the household. This is just my 2 cents worth.
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NELK:

You might think she should be getting on with her life, but to me she's going through a long period of sad period of reflection. And considering everything she's lost, I wouldn't even try to talk her out of it. Encouragement might not help much here either.

She's realizing the true magnitude of her loss, and it depresses her. At this stage, it's easy for her to isolate on purpose; just to reflect on things she did with her lost one(s), and focus on memories of the past. Feelings of emptiness or despair come with the territory.

Invite her out for a walk, if only to breathe some fresh air. It might relieve some of the depression enough to want to get back on the saddle of things. She might start tidying up around the kitchen, and briefly seeking other people's company.

Remember that there isn't a timeframe to grieving. Everybody is different.
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Allow her to do what she can do safely and do no harm. As to "expect" as you asked, No.
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I think it depends on her abilities and what she was used to doing in the past. I know my mom is only 67 and can no longer do chores and is not the same person she was years ago. In fact when she stays with me I clean up after her and am happy to do it. So at 87 I wouldn't expect her to do anything unless she offered and could actually do it.
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From my past taking care of my Grandmother, mother and father, they did do some assistance here and there, of course what they were able to do...there is one rule to remember. And this is for those of us that are caregivers to a spouse as well. We all love to have help, but sometimes, because of the way we are, many of us have our own way of doing things...From experience, and I made this mistake, and learned from it, well most of the time, if they don't do as you like, be sure that if you have to redo something that they did, first shhhhh, they don't need to know, and be sure to do it when they are not around to see you. Believe me, it has taken me time to learn this lesson...I wish you well, and welcome to the site, I am really pretty new here, but have taken care of my family before there was anything like this for me, and have to say with the assistance here, I have already began to learn, share, and it has given me a new meaning to my care-giving. God Bless
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If she could help, she would be happier. She has to feel like a burden (of which she is and it is sad on both ends), let's face it, so if you could keep her busy...in some small way, I think she would feel better.
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Hello Nelkster,
Welcome! As others here have stated it depends on her general health and mental state. My 90 year old father moved in with me last year and in the beginning he was adamant about helping around the house even though it took him 10x longer to do it that it takes me to do things but it made him feel like he was contributing and he actually enjoyed it. As his Alzheimer's has progressed his "helping" around the house has all but gone. He still empties the dishwasher which causes a 'scavenger hunt' each time to find where he has put stuff and he will still run the vacuum cleaner about once a month. He is more down these days and has little energy. He used to love to be out in the yard but I think it is too much for him now. Long way to say if your MIL starts helping that she may not continue to do so depending on her physical health and outlook on life. Just like others have said, praise the effort even if it has to be redone but not when she is looking. Keep asking no matter what.
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My dad is almost 93 and never did much housework; his job was all-around handyman and was very good at electrical work, plumbing, etc. Now that he is older my husband and I pretty much baby him: we set up his breakfast and cook his dinner everyday (he won't eat lunch); all we ask him to do is the dishes in the sink occasionally, which he does willingly. He also will take it upon himself to clean the bathroom sink and toilet which is always a pleasant surprise. I know it is hard to have double housework with an elder parent who adds to the general physical messiness in the house...but I take a deep breath when I feel overwhelmed and realize that he won't be here forever; one day he will be gone and I will have the rest of my life to clean house. This probably isn't very helpful but if you remember human life is fleeting, it puts a clean house in a very low priority. God bless you! You are undertaking one the hardest tasks you will ever do.
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Just to inject a lighter version, this reminds me of a Waltons episode (okay, I'm old, and also have all the DVDs of that show. It teaches me so much). Grandma finally got home from a long hospital stay, post-stroke, and grandpa was sadly no longer with them. She had expressive aphasia - couldn't speak intelligibly (the actress, Ellen Corby, wasn't acting, she'd had a stroke in real life). Anyway, she kept trying to say and do things, but the Walton kids kept rushing in to "help": "Grandma! Give me that broom! I'll sweep the porch, you need your rest!" etc. Olivia, the mom, kept telling everyone they were doing a disservice by "mollycoddling her." At one point, when grandma was cooperatively sitting in her rocker on the porch "resting," Olivia came out with the day's fresh green beans that needed snapping for dinner. Ignoring the stroke situation, she did as she always had, and shoved half of the beans into grandma's apron, then went about her own snapping. Grandma only had one working arm, but she immediately figured out a one-handed technique and proudly showed her daughter-in-law. Life was back to normal, and she was useful and part of the routine again.
People who are given realistic challenges (that aren't beyond their abilities or too frustrating), especially familiar chores, do much better in all aspects of life. I'm an Occupational Therapist, and our entire practice is based on this! Go for it, have fun with it; do like Olivia and be casual about it, and you may be the best medicine ever!
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Well, my mother seems to have retired -- from housework -- so I give her chores. Funny, but when I say something like, " Would you like to wipe the counters?" She looks at me, dumbfounded..."They look fine to me!"
She was always a dismal housekeeper. Hey, it was war on Saturday mornings, but some things never got done. Now that I'm living here (for now) I really hate to clean the bathroom. Wiping spit out of the sink (and other very unpleasant tasks) leads me to believe that, for my peace of mind, I have to get back to work ASAP and if I have to hire someone to clean her house, I will do that. I need the distance, along with not sleeping here.
It's been a year now and I think things have settled down a lot. You need to allow yourself the luxury of settling in. My mom is 90, soon to be 91, and she is still capable of housework, but she offers a myriad of excuses as to why she "can't" do it. She never liked it! She and I are very different in that way. I am uncomfortable in a home that is calling for attention, she isn't. It will be better for us to have separate abodes....
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thirdkid - I found those Chlorox wipes to be wonders. Every day I just take a moment to make a quick wipe down of the sink and counters, and they never get the opportunity to get really bad. Every 2 weeks the cleaning ladies come in for $100 and do all the heavy cleaning (floors, toilets, blinds, showers, tubs, etc..). As long as I maintain with the Chlorox wipes in between, we have a pretty clean house most of the time. Doesn't take but a second. I make the beds, do the laundry, make the meals and clean up after, straighten up anything that gets messed, and use those Chlorox wipes :)
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If she is physically and mentally capable then absolutely. The more she keeps moving the better. Like others have said it's good for her mentally to keep her brain working. Also to help her feel that she's contributing to the family. If she just doesn't want to then OK. If she can't move well then give her sitting jobs like folding towels/clothes, polishing silver, ripping up unwanted mail, etc. My mother is 92 and still contributes to household chores although they are diminishing depending on how she feels. Good luck!!!
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Sure, if she is capable. My 86 soon-to-be 87 yr. old husband helps me. Just make a list and ask what she would like to do and then let her do it her way. (You can always change it later if you don't like it. Just don't be critical). What you didn't say is if she has the memory to handle a light work load. Be patient and bless you for giving her a home!
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Yes that is one way that you can keep her mentally motivated and also keep her in tune with what going on around her......she does not want to be or feel left out. However you should be with her, have her assist you with chores, she must not be left alone unsupervised while at chores. As long as she is able to assist, I think she should.
Thank you so much
Apharris
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The older ones are funny and tricky, they have all kinds of preconceived notions, about being in another house. One is that they are a guest even, (so they are not suppose to do anything, especially if , that was the routine, before she came to live with you.) Two: because it is your house, sometimes they feel like, they have to ask permission, it is like begging...after all that generation grew up in a war, (ours is 1st gen immigrant) and with all that baggage, even in the united states,
it is in their long term memory bank, and during the early and mid stages, of dementia the mind is like, a piece of swiss cheese, where the holes of short term emory
are fill it in with long term memory, that makes sense to them.

The POA's sold the building and her stuff, but we managed to take stuff, she looked at every day, like the candle holders from her dining room table are in our dining room. Our apartment has the same basic layout, so we configured our living room furniture, as she had her living room furniture. And so on, since everything for her is brand new, she feels she is a queen. We also ere able to rescue, pictures of her and her husband, they are in her room and in the living room. We (her son and I ) rescued her from being in a nursing home. We were care-giving before they sold the home (a two flat) and we are still her caregivers now.
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She should definitely have something that she can do around the house. It is for her own well being that she feel that she is a productive member of the household. What needs to be taken into consideration is whether or not she has balance issues or ambulation issues. That would rule out many things such as loading/unloading the dishwasher or vacuuming. Even if her balance is poor, she can still sit down and fold clothing and/or towels. She can also sit at the table to do some food prep (cutting veggies, etc.) My 91 yr old aunt lives with my cousin and her husband she does ALL of the housework, so it depends on your mom's physical abilities, but she should definitely be doing *something*
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I dont think YOU should expect her to..see what she likes to do.She definitely knows her own limits.
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Yes, I agree I try to involve my mom in things that aren't too stressful because she easily can feel discouraged when she forgets something or pours the orange juice in the milk pitcher. Yes the laundry folding is good, anything that takes repetition, she also likes to dust. So I give her anything that would benefit from a long slow clean. I was pleasantly surprised to see how much she really likes my cat, and this is someone who never ever had anything to do with pets. It seems to be really good therapy for her, hence the therapy pets in nursing homes, it really works for her. She feels needed especially by him cause the cat needs direction also, so perhaps a senior pet for a senior is a cool idea. She likes getting him water and cleaning his dish, and giving him lots of pets, and he does not mind sitting with her for hours listening to her repeat the same stories over and over, they are great company for one another, don't know how a parrot would be though LOL.
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It depend on what the chores are, and what she is capable of doing and what she can't do. For people of that age and with dementia, it is important for them to keep on doing the little things that they can do themselves for as long as possible. It is equally possible for them to forget things easily and things they are use to do and enjoy doing before the onset of dementia might be difficult for them to remember. Folding clothes, arranging flowers, setting table are example of chores they can do at home But streneous chores should be out as they might hurt themselves or find it difficult to do.This might make them depress or moody and sad`all the time.
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My 89 yr. old mother does a lot of the chores that 4lashade said in previous post. She doesn't wash her hands with soap, just water. I'm always telling her to use soap. I want to let her set the table, empty the dishwasher, but I won't let her if she doesn't wash with soap. It's an on going fight. The towels get so dirty that I have to bleach them. And she only changes her Depends maybe every two days and right now she has a rash. She won't drink a lot of water because then she has to get up all the time to use the bathroom. But she gripes about little dirty spots, that she usually makes and denys doing it. I want to put her in a home so bad, but fincially I can't. I get so depressed sometimes. I can still leave her alone for a while. I feel bad, but our relationship is suffering.
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i think ,they should try to do things around the house or partment if they can walk ,if they can walk give them something to do when they are sitting down like folding clothes,stuff like that ,they feel like they are helping out ,see what they can do then take it from there,god bless.
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Did your MIL like doing chores before her husband passed away? If she did, introducing chores, one by one, may be a good thing. My mom was an amazing cook and housekeeper for our family of eight. In my kitchen, I gave her the title "Sous Chef" and had her at my side during meal prep, and she loved it! At 92, she's "tinier" now, but she still likes to stack the plates at the kitchen table after a meal and wipe up the crumbs, which tend to fall to the ground for the pup to clean up.
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Try finding out what she did before the loss of husband, and what things interest her, she maybe feeling that she is a bother to you and your wife because she is in someone else home. It is not a custom for persons her age to do thing in another persons' home without being asked to do so. So give her a choice of what she would like to do.
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