Can I expect my 87-year-old mother-in-law to help with chores around the house?

Yes, when the elderly feel they have contributed it makes them feel better. I asked my MIL if she could fold wash clothes for me because that is all she could really do physically, she loved it because she felt she was helping. If your MIL is still i mourning she may not have energy to do too much...but I bet if she is mentally ok (meaning no alzhemiers, etc) then have a conversation with her and let her know that this is her home too and make her feel very welcome...and add into the conversation, "mom do not feel you have to ask for anything, if you are hungry or you see something you want to do around the house, then please do as you would as if it were your own home, you do not have to ask just be yourself and do what makes you feel good and comfortable." Having said it in that kind of manner will eventually make her feel at ease and she will eventually feel comfortable enough to do what she is capable of...Sometimes you may need to say things like, mom would you mind helping me fold laundry, or would you mind helping me...that way you are asking for her help in a way that makes her feel like she is helping you and she will feel good about the living situation in due time...but do not ever say you have to do this...That may deepen her felings of loss and usefulness...go slowly and you will be amazed at how much elderly rally do feel better when they still feel needed..One other suggestion...if she can still cook etc, say things like mom how do you make that wonderful chicken recipe, I can not quite get it down pat...she may just take over to show you how she does it...I hope this makes since and helps you...HUGS

That depends on her health and ability. She might be one of those ladies who needs to help take care of others and feel needed and this is a chance for her to do that. If you have kids, she might enjoy keeping them occupied. On the other hand, if her health is poor or she is wracked with arthritis or has dementia, she might be able. When my grandmother first had Alzheimer's and we moved her in, she used to help clean the bird cages, play with them while they were free-flying, help (supervised) with cooking, and loved to work in the flower and veggie gardens. Later, she lost the ability to do most of that and then was bedridden.

I feel for your mother in law and her loss. Thank her for taking her in.

My Dad is 81 years, he helps me with the dogs and the chickens. Even if he lets the dogs out 10 in 30 minutes I look at it as exercise. The dogs just go in and out. He always closes the door on my front load washer which I have asked him hundreds of times to leave the door cracked. He feeds our chickens but forget to let them out so back he goes, there again its exercise. At night he checks and makes sure the chicken are closed 3-4 times before he goes to bed so I have started to wait to go to bed when he does so I can tell him he already checked them. He opens the gate when we go out and closes it and tells me "Now I know how you girls feel." Because we always opened the gate. He turns the ceiling fan off every time he get up and I just go behind him and turn them back on. This really annoys my husband but oh well. My Dad walks all the way back to our bathroom, when his is closer. This too annoys my husband, he claims we have no privacy. Plus you have to check the toilet because my Dad's aim isn't very good. There again, I tell him oh well. We live in My Dad home so he can use whatever toilet he wants as far as I'm concerned. We really needed to move for the job market really sucked. My husband now has a job he really loves but has to drive 1 hr. each way to get there. This annoys him also. It was my idea to move here to care for my Dad because we did for my husbands parents. We use to drove 6 hrs one way every weekend, even though my brother in law and sister in law lived near by. Go figure. I really try to look at everything on the positive side but it sure can be difficult at times. My Dad tries to be helpful, and sure I have to sometimes go behind him and fix or clean-up behind him, the point is he tried, instead of just sitting in his recliner and exercising his finger on the remote control which I usually have to help him with most of the time, just too many buttons. Even little things they can do ( set the table, fold socks, etc.) let them, don't forget the exercise. :)

HUGS AGAIN. This is a difficult change in any one's life. And you are blaming yourself for a decision you made, at a time when you felt it was the best one. LIFE IS NOT FAIR!! My belief is that one day soon that will all change, when the Lord returns to take home those who loved Him and have gone to sleep before us and those of us still alive and love Him. I believe that you are still very much in shock and grieving and probably depressed. Some of this is "very normal" and expected. But if it continues to the point where you are unable to care for yourself or those that are dependent on you, then I think it may be time to go for help, with the depression. Remember that there is the IDEAL and then there is the REAL!!!
Sometimes our expectations are noble, but not realistic. Sometimes we need to sit back and reevaluate. Sometimes we just need to let go, and let God lead us. But being human, we all need that human support and guidance from time to time. That does not mean you are INCAPABLE. It just means that you are trying to survive through this crisis! Blessings.

Menohardy's daughter -thank you so much for your comments and I am so glad you shearded with us your feelings and hope you continue being here-you will be valueable to this group-I stayed after my husband died as did a lot of others-and I and some other former caregivers go to a cargivers support group at our senior center.

I have my mom wipe the dining-room table before and after meals. It helps her to feel that she's contributing something to the preparation and clean up at that meals. Cooking use to be something she was very fond of doing and took great pride in (I miss her chicken noodle soup), so this helps a little.

Sorry wish I could have deleted the misspelled words..meno hardys daughter..it was supposed to say you you gave dad the best. The grief must be so overwhelming. You did your best and was only trying to help save him. You had no idea this was the end. The doctors should be ashamed! And the nurses kicked out for lack of compassion. And they took away his bear. You are loved and prayed for. Try to let go of the guilt you're suffering through. We are here for you. We saw how much you love your dad and all he gave back and then to give us his presence.

Meno hardy daughter..hope you come back. You sour dad gave all he had and you gave him everything you and your love. God bless

Menohardy - In my case, although my dad had always said he wanted to die in his own home, he kept wanting to go to the hospital. Hospice nurse said she thought it was because that was a safe place for him and he was afraid - afraid of dying. I made the decision, because of his confusion and agitation, to discontinue his heart medications. He died 5 days later. Was it because he wasn't getting those meds anymore? Who knows. Hospice nurse felt his agitation was terminal agitation and that was going on for 2 weeks before I stopped his medications. You, as I, did the BEST we could given the circumstances. We can always go back and question why we did what we did but as they say, hind sight is 20/20. It sounds like your dad was very comfortable. So was mine. That's the best gift we could give to them whether it be in a hospital or in their home. Hugs ~ Kuli

I am not a senior either but I just buried my father and have been taking care of him in his home for some time and my grandfathers before that and great great grandfathers before that. He was the first to die outside of this home. I knew his wishes were to die in the home but in the end I did not listen to the years of preparation or keep my promises to him that he could pass with his loved ones around him and I subjected him to one final humiliation; watched them strip him of his clothes, insert a needled in his arm and put him in a chemically induced coma on a ventilator. No reason. He was dying and the stuffed teddy bear I brought him was thrown away, stolen or lost in the night-he slept with that bear for 3 years thinking it was his pal or one of his children. A comfort for sure. His wish was to kiss his son one last time and his other daughter but he was in a coma before he could do that. Why I asked his doctors? Why didn't you send him home to die the way he wanted. Well you see,it was the weekend...
Thank you oldcodger, and for all of you who wrote on this forum asking about Menohardy earlier I apologize for not getting back to you sooner but so much was going on and my tears kept blinding me.
My siblings are now pointing the finger at me for calling the paramedics. I only was trying to save his life because they changed his medication. I had no idea I wouldn't be able to get him out of the hospital.
Having said that I am more determined to be a better caregiver and to treat my patients with dignity and stop trying to pull them in my world and live in theirs. My dads nickname was Hardy. He was a powerfully strong man, saved countless lives as a door gunner in Vietnam and served in both Iraq wars with distinction.
he named himself menohardy when one of his buddies came by and said you are still the man Hardy and he said no-me no Hardy anymore and it just sort of stuck-if you asked him something like would you want something he's say me no want. So he want from Hardy to Meno-angry I'd call him mean-o and when he died i cried me-no want you to die. I did fall asleep holding his hand and he fell into eternity holding mine. But I did betray him because he was not aware that I was there crying over him. Because of his age and condition I watched how little was done for him in a hospital setting. Watched as the nurses huddled up snacking on their diet foods and diet drinks wearing their cute little designer tennis shoes and their scrubs with their name tags turned backwards so you couldn't read their names and ask why they had bear claw i fingernails (of their superiors) and that patronizing head nurse who told me "we, must be patient...I tried your fathers doctors once and that should be adequate, so lets just stay calm-Okie dokie?
I wanted to slap her. Then at 11 am I am sitting in my chair and felt my dads hand-it was cold. I dozed off and he was gone and his alarm was going off and the nurses were still huddled up talking about some nonsense-probably a love interest. I hoollered and one of them looked at me and kind of rolled her eyes and I said I think my dad is gone is gone and she said no-those monitors do that if a lead comes off then-oh, gollie, you are right-he is gone...when did the alarm begin? I said I didn't know I dozed off-she wrote on his chart time of death 11:03 am. But it was sooner-it was when I had him taken out of his home as he wanted.
So why is it we do what is convenient for us as caregivers and not the patient.?
How is it that we can take them into our homes or live in theirs and because they are frail or mentally unstable we treat them with diminished respect and do not go by their wishes that they set out in stone before they became incapacitated?
I visited nursing homes and hospices. I went to a small setting Hospice where the woman had religious decor everywhere and wanted to charge $2300 a week and she had a pastor that comes in once a week and she knew all the caregivers in the area and even could get me a cut rate with the undertaker-Wooo-weee-sounds like a nice place to die-flat on your back surrounded by strangers and death hanging in the air. We can take care of our own. If not we can hire a caregiver to come to our home. If he or she was your child would you put them in a home because they were confused? babies aren't confused they are babies and the elderly are not confused they are elderly. Whats the difference? Convenience. Selfish convenience. Bigger diapers, bigger messes, bigger responsibilities-but we owe them bigger effort-when they cuss you they do not mean it. When they look hateful they do not mean it. I'm sorry-this is so dis jointed. I am still in shock I think. I let my dad down just as we let our mother down and we vowed never to do it again.
My dad-Meno was given a military funeral service then cremated and sleeps with my mother on Copano Bay where he kept our boat-where he used to laugh and say all three of his children were concieved! And when I was a smart ass teen I'd say well-at least you did it 3 times in your old life-now we gather for the reading of his will and the government will get it's share and the fish will get their share. I only want my Hardy Dad back...

Thank you for being able to spill out your feeling, with such honesty. I don't consider myself a senior either, although I have been on disability for more than 5 years. I was a very active person, and yet you feel as though people think you "LIKE" your "new" life. I HATE IT!!!!! I would rather be at work and keep moving. I do the best I can, but it is very frustrating, not knowing how well your body will cooperate! I would rather die, than move out of my house!!! There I said it. And we are not in our 70's or 80's! I can only imagine, it must be even worse at that age. We all need to give the other "guy" the benefit of the doubt.

From my experience moving into someone else's home (I am not elderly)........I felt out of place and in the way........I didn't want to intrude, I didn't know the family routine......I didn't know what was expected, was I supposed to spend most of my time in my room so I didn't interfere in their family life, or was I supposed to plop myself down on the couch at night and watch tv or play wII with the kids.,,,
, I asked how I could help, how I could contribute, and they usually said "nothing",...I didn't want to offend them by recleaning their house but I didn't want to be lazy and useless........ was I supposed to give them money for groceries or was I supposed to buy my own favorites.......I didn't want to be sitting on the couch when they wanted some privacy for snuggling........ I wanted to help with the small children, but it was clear that my way was different from their way, and I wanted to respect their way..............If the family went out to dinner was I automatically expected to go, too, or was I supposed to wait for an invitation.........if they spent Thanksgiving at the other in-laws home, was I automatically included or was I supposed to give them that time alone............
.And, selfishly, I liked my old life, I liked my own home, my own couch, my own kitchen, I didn't always like working around other people, and I sure didn't like feeling obligated or beholding to others. I didn't know the neighborhood so I didn't know if it was safe to go for a walk by myself. ..........I hated some of the tv shows they watched, I did not always enjoy it when my grandchildren woke me up at 6am (occasionally it is cute, not so cute every day), I did not like sharing a bathroom...........
But, it wasn't right or fair for me to fuss about those things, it was their home and I was grateful that they gave me a room........
.I was very happy to have a place to stay, I was very happy to be around my child and my grandchildren, but my husband had died, I was recovering from chemotherapy and I was dealing with lots of emotions and changes and just plain didn't know what to do or what to say. I didn't know what my life was going to be like anymore.........
.So maybe these are some of the things going thru your MIL's head.

Remember ,you may have to modify your idea of safety! Due to the fact that my father has had a closed head injury, he will ALWAYS be a fall risk. So that being said, you must weigh what in the end will be the most beneficial and give the greatest quality of life. Many times it is best to have several disciplines involved in the decision. And as already advised, the individuals involved in the home or care have to be on the same page! But sometimes you have to go out on a limb, with your best gut instinct.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

I think everyone so far has given excellent advise! Yes, it depends on her health, mobility, etc.

As long as she can still carry out tasks and keep safe while doing so, by all means, she should be invited and encouraged to participate!

You and your wife will need to discuss what you may feel she could participate in, and encourage her/re-enforce your collective desire for her to feel at home, because she is part of the family.

These activities will for sure keep her anchored in day-to-day activities and over time help her as she continues to deal with depression, grief and loss of her spouse, her home, as a whole - her own independent way of life that has come to an end.

Keep us posted! All the best to all your family!

There are many good pieces of advice already given. But from my own experience it is better to stay as mobile as possible, because that will in the end gives most people a better quality of life. My father was taken (not my choice) and was having everything done for him. He developed a knee that was very painful and he could not almost walk. When I got him back, we went to PT and massage and they both said, his was a case of not doing much and sitting around. Obviously we have to take into account health in general, saftey etc. But remember the old adage " if you do not use it, you lose it".

I agree with all of the previous entries. Considering her mental and physical health first, her stability and ability to complete the task at hand, I think it is important for elderly in general to continue to do their normal chores/task with the appropriate assessment of their capabilities and safety. My mother is 87 and although in the mid stages of alzheimers will still ask to do the dishes, fold clothes, etc. This gives her a sense of normalcy and that she has some control over her choices and abilities. I find that making the assumption that everything that needs to be done for her needs to be done by the caregiver, without any consideration for her need at that moment, diminishes her capacity to do for herself, but also makes her feel more hopeless and helpless. It also impacts the physical ability to perform tasks, whether it be minor house chores or personal care, the less she does, the less she is going to be able to do.. I have no expectations for what my mother should do, but I do encourage her to do what she feels she can do in the moment and observe and step in when needed.

Yes, I think it would help her to feel useful. i don't know what her activity level is, but working within those parameters, I would think there could be jobs she could do. Folding towels, or washing the table/counters?

I like to be included in helping and talked to not about and I don't like baby talk or people talking to me loud-I can hear just fine. When we go visit the nursing home I see people sitting by the door waiting for their family and usually nobody comes so I am trying to find ways to cheer them up but what can I do? . I am happy you are so nice to your father in law. He was good to take care of your mother in law so well. I want a dog too but my daughter says no . Dogs seem to know you and don't care if you are old or can't move fast. they like love and give love back except for the ones that bight. Dogs seem to treet me like I am a person. thats all.

My father-in-law doesn't live with us. He still lives in the home, that he and my mother-in-law had. He is 87. He spent so many years keeping care of her, that he is enjoying his new found freedom. We don't ask him to housework when he is here, but if he wants to help out with the cooking, etc., we certainly let him pitch in and do some small side job while we are all in the kitchen. He seems to enjoy being included, and not just being a fixture on the sofa. He still does his own laundry and cooking at home. He also adopted a greyhound to keep him company. As skeptical as we were in the beginning, this was a fantastic idea.

suziQ maybe put little bells on her slippers or a little jingle bracelet. I like all your answers. We want to help and not just sit and wait or watch. I like to be talked to and talk in my own way and treated like anyone else.

Let her help you as much as she can. Their will be times when, she will not be able too help at all! She is really into helping with chores thank god she is able any willing..

when we help orther,we are helping areself also,if it be with words or action.of corse true help comes from the heart,.if the heart not in it then its not help.so give her a little encourgement to help,and see what happens.god bless.

My mother likes to help also. She helps me fold the towels and clean the dishes to put in the dishwasher which I do. She stirs the food on the stove. Her stories are always the same but different. She mixes her stories up with other events and I so want to tell her she's wrong and it went like this. But I've learned to shutup. She walks so slow that when she is in the kitchen I don't know she standing close and many times I have almost knocked her down. And she's so quiet when she walks. My kitchen is small, so when the 3 of us are in their its impossible to do anything because she's so slow. We usually get our food then I'll call her in. If I called her in first our food would be cold. We dish off the stove. Less dishes. Good luck to all. It's a challenge.

HI I have answered this before..and still the answer is the same..as in all the ideas..why is this Post from 2011?
have you been able to remedy and have help ?as at her age..she is limited to things..

bekwalk, that story was HYSTERICAL!!!!!!! Obviously, all our stories are very sad at the root, but somettimes we have to laugh at the ludicrousness of our these surreal lives we're all living! The laughs are few and far between, and the tears far outweigh the laughs. I am sorry though about your cabinets, but I'm sure their worth is nothing campared to your mom. BLESSINGS

Yes...I believe you should let your mom help with chores around the house. I believe it helps with mobility and stimulates the mind. After my dad tairrable experiece in the hospital and ending up on a ventalator after receive the wrong medication. When he was discharged from the hospital he could not talk. We kept the television on in his room on the Christian channel and I would still talk to my dad and on the 24th day of June, my dad started talking again. Prasie God!
So I believe that if you mom or dad is used to doing things around the house, let them help. As long as it is not something that will endanger their life.

Nelkster-your MIL is 87 years old and you don't seem to know her at all. How long have you known her? Did she live far away from you and her son? What are her likes and dis-likes? What is her health? Favorite foods? Hobbies? Sounds like you don't know one another at all-that is where you start. Get to know her. Make her feel welcome. This is her home now also and let her feel welcome. Mi Casa es Su Casa! Maybe she feels more like a boarder. Most people her age like to crochet, ask her to teach you. In other words be a friend, win her trust and she may teach you a thing or two I knew my mother in law quite well and we got along great. She gave my oldest daughter piano lessons, taught here Caligroaphy and the lost form of manners. Sorry about my spelling. She read to my youngest but this would not have happened if I didn't genuinely want to know this wonderful lady.
So that is where I would start and put the chores off for a while-she'll find where you've been missing the dust in due time-she probably already has but is being too polite to say. One of the easiest ways to make her feel welcome is to simply ask her how you can be more like her..

No you don't expect her to help around the house at her age...If she presents a need to want to make up a bed or clean off a table? let her..otherwise it's you thats young (healthy) so everything is your responsability! (she had her years of work...respect that)

if she won't she won't.
so to accept that as it will be easier for you.if she maintains her own laundry or bed..that is helpful to herself. ...If she is in the room while you are doing dishes or laundry see if she could help fold .. Usually in a setting..she may not want to..right away ..but maybe her taking care of her own clothes and bed is at least something.

question, i live in with my lady and care for her. i just like to know what is the pay for caregivers to do 120hrs a wk, cook 3 meals a day. wash all her clothes and keep her room clean and the bathroom.i live downstairs with her and the daughter is upstairs living its a apartment.i dont work for a company i go through a agent he finds the job and subs it to us.i take her out alot to places dr, lunch with the daughter. i do all the transporting at all times. im around the clock mon 11am till sat11am i have a lady come in for 48hrs so i get a break. im in rochester ny....