Is there any way to prevent a "family friend" from taking Dad for everything he's got? Since Mom died, he's been spending a lot of time with a former employee of the family business. Unbeknownst to the family, she's been driving him to Dr appts, going into the exam room, presenting herself as his "caregiver", and then telling his doctors that he has dementia. We also found out that she's been accepting unknown amounts of cash in exchange for cleaning his house etc.
This came to light when she took him to the ER for a suspected "stroke" (but managed to stop at the bank on the way so he could make a suspiciously large cash withdrawal.) While in the hospital, he did in fact obtain a formal diagnosis of early stage Alzheimer's, but to our knowledge this diagnosis did not previously exist. Even though we have been noticing symptoms (sleepiness, confusion, easily forgetful) off and on for a while, we believed this was mostly due to the stress of caring for and eventually losing Mom to a prolonged terminal illness.
We believe this "friend" has been using these symptoms in order to gain/maintain control over him. She has been taking it on herself to make medical decisions for him without the family's knowledge, withholding information because "he didn't want anyone to worry", and positioning herself as the person we must go through to access him. In the ER triage, she was talking over both Dad and daughter to answer the nurse's questions herself. Apparently before the family arrived, she told the ER staff that he has Alzheimer's but don't mention it to the family because it upsets us?!
He is in his early 70s and is medically stable, still able to drive and live alone. The dr says that with medication to slow the mental decline, he should be independent for many more years. This is great news, but we are concerned that his ability to retain his independence means he will have many years in which to be scammed before his children have a valid reason to step in.
Obviously he can spend his time and money as he wishes, but we understandably don't want his retirement savings drained by an opportunistic parasite. He has a history of giving large sums of cash to family members, which is fine, but this is unacceptable. There's no reason why this "friend" should be doing these things for him (and getting paid handsomely.) His children and adult grandchildren all live in the same town and we would do these things for him if he asked us.
At this point is there anything we can do? If he would give one of us power of attorney, can they even do that, even though he's still medically able to be independent? We accept that it will be impossible to keep her away from him when he is a willing participant in this "friendship", but we'd like a way to stem the bleeding to a slow trickle at least.
I'm talking about random, not-urgent jobs like cleaning his pool table, organizing the shed, painting some room he takes a wild hair to paint. Stuff that is not the obvious, "we gotta do this for dad" type of task that he randomly decides to do. Like the stuff you might decide to do on a Saturday morning when you don't have a lot going on but don't feel like watching TV.
When you said it was a former employee, it made me wonder if they were having an affair prior? I'm an employer and I found it very odd... not that it changes anything except her sense of entitlement in the pecking order now that your mom is gone. Sorry, very harsh but have to float it out there.
What state are you in? Do you or relatives live near your dad? This info would be helpful. He doesn't seem like a candidate for guardianship base on what you've disclosed. Even if you were somehow able to get durable PoA assigned to you/family member the "friend" could still find a way to get back control if she isn't out of the picture completely. Of course this won't make you popular with your dad. Maybe pay for an extensive background check on her and if the results show a sketchy past, you will have some ammo to present to your dad (but don't get your hopes up as she whispers sweet nothings into his ear, among other things she may be doing to "make him happy").
If his recent "diagnosis" is accurate, it will be too late (I think) for him to assign PoA. You could get him to an elder law attorney and they will be able to determine if he is capable of authorizing PoA. When I took my 90+ yo aunt to one in FL no one was allowed to be in the room with her and the attorney and their explanation was to assess for manipulation. Ugh this situation sucks and I hope your family can work it out in your dad's best interest!
You say that he is very generous and has given sums to family members, and "that is fine". Guess what. It is fine if he gives it to people who are NOT family members, as well, especially if those persons are cleaning for him, visiting him, taking him to appointment, and taking him to ER when he needs to go.
Perhaps if family who is receiving all this money is willing to spend increasing amounts of time with Dad he will not end up as prey for predators. And mind you, I am not saying this "friend" is in any way a predator, because she is a friend he has known from work, and seems to me is doing a lot for him.
Speak with Dad about all this, why don't you? Seems to me that would be a good place to start. Good luck. Hope all goes well.
Be assertive. Have a couple of family members stay with Dad for a week or so. When she arrives, tell her, he is not seeing anyone today. Consult a lawyer and figure out the competency status.
I agree with the idea of having APS get involved. If she is up to no good, she just might scurry away.
Obtain POA for health and finance as advised earlier. That shouldn’t be difficult if he’s vulnerable to being scammed.
Request a mental health check and or his medical records to confirm whether it’s been officially determined re any “Alzheimer’s”.
Then confront her - and ensure she knows the next time she meddles there will be an investigation especially regarding her involvement in his medical care when she is not family. If proven she’s lied re Alzheimers to medical personnel that could have had serious implications re medication,
If she’s been proven to have lied about Alzheimers I would then point out there’s the large sums of money handed over by a vulnerable former boss to his devious former employee....
Good luck
This is such a stressful event and my heart goes out to you struggle through. I would definitely recommend becoming his medical and durable power of attorney as quickly as possible.
Best of Luck!