Dad is in rehab after a hospital stay and hating it, wants to go back to AL. Which I totally get. But every single thing that he is unhappy about is my fault, in his mind, which is failing. Every visit is just a litany of complaints and grievances, every phone call is him screaming at me that I've locked him away and I've ruined his life. In his more lucid moments, he calls my out-of-state sister and complains, and then she contacts me with her "concerns." If I say I'm sorry he feels that way, I get screamed at ("you always say sorry but you never do anything!"). If I walk out — and I have — I get a groveling apology for like a minute, and then the bitching and moaning starts again, and if I am not sufficiently attentive then it escalates to yelling. My husband has witnessed this and is supportive, but feels like I need to understand my Dad is paranoid and having cognitive issues. But Dad doesn't yell at HIM. (Or at my sister, with her "is everything okay with Dad?" texts) I leave every visit feeling like I'm bruised and battered.
Stop taking all of his calls. Let them go to voicemail. Only call back if you want to. If the complaining and berating starts up tell him plainly that you will not tolerate being spoken to in such a way and hang up on him.
When your out-of-state sister starts voicing her "concerns" tell her to speak with the rehab facility, not you. Go fill out papers at the rehab giving them permission to speak with her instead. Then you can call her with your "concerns" and leave the explaining up to her.
Take a step back. Your father is where he needs to be. Tolerating his berating abuse and asinine nonsense is not going to help anyone, least of all him.
Take a step back and start limiting your contact with him and your sister.
Add emotional abuse to the equation and you can deduct that my mental state was almost to the breaking point and progressing. I stayed the course for 15 years. I raised a teenager in the process, although my daughter's needs always came in second to my parents. If I could change that now as I reflect, I certainly would.
Eventually my mom, who is completely sane and fully aware, drove me to a mental breakdown and I finally walked away from the situation. My sister, who had made it her business to not be available ever, has recently moved closer to my mother. Because I know she is nearer, I have let that be my crutch when I feel guilty or somehow wrong for coming back to my home and going back to work and my own hobbies and projects. I am still adjusting and coping with the bruises, but I am seeing a counselor who helps me maintain my absence from that toxic relationship which continues to be the source of my pain and sorrow.
I often question myself and feel guilt. I have kept my distance for 11 months now and spent Thanksgiving away from my family for the first time in years. I plan to do the same at Christmas.
This holiday has been the most stress-free, comfortable, and non-toxic since my mother was diagnosed with diabetes 20 years ago. Today I feel better. There is a healing that is taking place and it feels way better than feeling abused and beat up day after day and month after month. I can live with this.
For your health just accept he is declining and his emotions are wild and his venting is his inability to cope with change.
Not your fault. Your choices are out of love and concern'
Sadly older people with issues never see that and vent.
Just stop contact. then revisit it in 3 months and decide if you want to contact him again