My mother is 83 and is relatively healthy, yet complains and whines about everything and anything you can think of. I know friends who have lost parents and would do anything to have one more day with them. And then I listen to my mother flip out over not having enough chocolate in the house or not having enough money to buy something on QVC even though she buys stuff on those channels constantly and it's always stuff she doesn't need and never uses.
I was watching TV with her and they were showing the devastation in the Bahamas from Hurricane Dorian and she starts talking about not having chocolate again and how "at her age" she shouldn't have to worry about money or buying what she wants. The complaining turns into hours and hours of lost time each day and week as she will interrupt anything and everything to talk about herself and what is bothering her this minute. Trying to be a good, understanding son is useless. I can bend over backwards 24/7 for her trying to make her happy and she will find something else to complain about or make me feel guilty about or point out something I forgot to get her when I was at a store or grocery shopping. If she has to wait more than a day for something, I'll hear about how she's been "asking me forever" to get her something.
If I keep her company watching TV, she'll turn off something without any consideration as to whether or not I was interested in seeing it. If I record something and watch it and she's "not in the mood to see this" - off it goes. If I say I'll watch it on another tv in the house, I'll be asked what's wrong with me and why don't I want to spend any time with her. It's always what she wants to watch, what she wants to talk about, what she wants to vent about - and I'm supposed to understand because "I'm 83 - I should get to watch and eat and do what I want at this age! I sacrificed enough for you and your brother!" She moved to the suburbs with my dad, who passed away 25 years ago, she never learned to drive and hates where she lives but never wants to move elsewhere. She blames my brother and I for living where we do. She blames us for everything - if she's not feeling well, it's because my brother or I aggravated her two weeks ago and it's "still having an effect on me." If she doesn't like what she's eating it turns into "if you had bought me xyz last week, I would be enjoying something right now instead of THIS."
She has no friends anymore - she alienated all of them years ago. Her grandkids live in Florida and want nothing to do with her (it's all their fault, according to her), what few remaining family members she has left haven't talked to her in years.
Yet I am living with this person because I promised my ailing father in 1994 that I would take care of her. I never knew it would turn into the nightmare it is. This is going to sound crazy, but I sometimes think that maybe I died years ago and this is hell. That's what being around her is like. Hell on Earth. If anyone remembers The Sopranos, she is like Livia Soprano times ten - a mean-spirited, unappreciative nightmare who thinks she's smarter and better than everyone else - and entitled to be treated like a queen despite treating others like dirt. I saw how she treated my brother's ex-wife and vowed to never put another woman through that, and as a result have lost out on relationships, short and long term, because I don't want anyone else to have to suffer. I feel like I'm waiting for her to die before my life can really start and meanwhile I'm 50 and my life revolves around work and taking care of her. I am miserable and depressed and I hate feeling like this and I'm tired of taking care of someone so miserable and angry and hurtful.
I see postings on here and I feel bad for anyone in such a situation. But please know you are not alone. If anyone has any suggestions on how to cope, a book or article(s) to read or anything that can help on a day to day basis, I would be so grateful. Thank you.
age. In school I knew that my dad was older than my friends . And always had in my mind to look after mum if any thing happens. Mum can’t read or write very well and after every menopausal argument she started during my childhood, after the verbal/mental/physical abuse
she would turn on the waterworks and plead me not to leave if “anything happened to daddy”
seems poignant my fav films are pinoccio and what happened to baby Jane. I was always closer to my father. And without him I’m finding my mother unbearable. I promised dad I would look after her too. And once he died instead of grief, I had to keep my head together to sort out everything ordinarily the widow would sort - the funeral, all the paperwork, cancelling things, changing things, over seeing the finances, contacting pensions/transfers/insurances, allowing my mother to have my dog for company so she’s not lonely (like giving up my child), worrying about her despite the fact all my mum cares about is herself. She doesn’t see how her selfishness hurts me. How she will be 2 faced. Arrogant Defiant. Then come crying that I don’t leave her after she’s pushed me away
shes thrown letters away that Iv needed to sort, thrown numbers/sympathy cards away because she doesn’t want to remember “daddy’s gone”. She doesn’t get why she couldn’t see him before he died (even though she knew he had 24 hours to live once we were told - she said she would go home and see him in the morning). Or after he died (covid Lockdown = no one could view bodies). She now feels guilt after all the aggravation and aggression she put him thru before he died. She wants help from neighbours and her sister but before that she always made out they were snooty or bullies.
I see now how much is a manipulative bithc she’s always been. And I can’t take how my life will be on pause and swallowed by her dependency now until she passes
The way I got help was with my sister, who kindly saw my decay and came in to assist me. We ended up changing cities in order to be closer to my sister.
Once we were together (same city close neighborhood), my sister saw what I had been dealing with for the prior 7 years. Although she knew how my mother was before getting ill, she had not seen on a daily basis how difficult she had become, and continued worsening.
We automatically assumed the roles of bad cop good cop.
Mother had absorbed me completely. She was a total "black-hole", carrying a dark cloud over her head all the time. She went from being a very positive individual to a negative one. She went from independent lady to completely dependent on us for everything. Her controlling self became much more controlling as her paranoia took over. Her delusions became very insulting to both of us. We learnt we had to go with the flow and avoid taking it personal.
It might be too late to "establish boundaries". When the illness takes over, they have no logic. They can not think straight, so do not argue, it will just agitate her. There is NO "teaching them a lesson" kind of thing. You can not!!! they do not have logic anymore!!!
If she falls, it might be worse for you. If you are not prepared to deal with all the administrative aspects. If she ends up in a skilled nursing facility, you would still need to take care of her in responsible manner.
Go away when you need a break. Just make sure you leave her well cared for.
My sister was very kind to practically force me to take breaks.
What is your mother's diagnosis? Is she LBD? if so how long has she had it?
OnlywhenLucid
I absolutely understand you.
You are NOT missing your spine. That is not compassionate to say to the caregiver who is IN the fire right now.
I understand because I went through the same exactly.
My mother had no compassion, no empathy, no understanding and throughout the path of the LBD illness (8 years) she became worse.
You hit on something I have to keep reminding myself of - that I cannot teach her a lesson. That she’s not going to suddenly “realize” what she’s like and suddenly change as a result. Your advice to go away when I can and take breaks when I can is advice I’ve been trying to follow for awhile now. It helps and I find it’s good to have something to look forward to - no matter how big or small - especially when my mother is negative 24/7, which is always the most exhausting. Thank you again for your very helpful, kind words.
Forget your promise made to your dad. FORGET IT. Those promises ruin lives.
I recommend seeing an orthopedist because your spine is missing! :-)
Seriously though, you should see a good therapist and learn to establish boundaries. SO WHAT if your mom bi+ches! She's miserable and she's gonna complain. Your only "obligation" to her is to ensure that her NEEDS are met.
Let her watch TV alone. Leave the room when she starts complaining and whining. Tell her you are NOT going to stay and listen. Trust me, you do this a few times and she will catch on.
Blessings to you
Gwen
I just went through exactly the same personality. My mother too was exactly what you described how yours is. I relocated internationally so there was much a heavy influence of the culture in that you leave home until you marry. Single adults that live with parents typically end up caring for them like you are doing. Like i idid. Mother ended up developing Lewy Body Dementia which lasted +- 8 years. She passed on dec/9.
I will continue tomorrow.
Best regards to you,
Onlywhenlucid
Thank you for your reply. I never thought a promise I made 25+ years ago would have involved this. It’s been overwhelming for years and only recently did I decide that this isn’t what my father had in mind. It couldn’t possibly be. It’s taken a long time for this awakening.
http://www.paulkchafetz.com/
Hang in there and thanks for sharing your situation. Each time I read one of these it reinforces the notion that I am not alone.
https://youtu.be/oK5aaIJWmWk
These death bed promises are so ridiculous, as nothing in life remains constant, it either gets better or worse and you are entitled to change your mind.
So I'm extremely empathetic to you, who appears to be doing it much worse.
Be strong. I hope it will be over soon.
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers... and let me tell you Dr. McBride gets it! I recommend you pick it up and read it...
it will help with everything that you’re going through and will give you the hope and sanity you need, best of luck !
Took me years to realise and its tough to get you're head around but the narc does not give a monkeys about you. I went through hell with my Dad - almost lost my wife and kids.....
Hes still the same. Some of the things he does defies belief. Its always about him and an idea hes got in his head.
This last week hes moaned my wife didn't phone him specially on his birthday. What? I don't specifically phone my MIL either. My wife hasn't seen him for 18 months due to the way hes treated her and I don't blame her. But apparently she should be more respectful and phone him.
Basically, admit hes in charge, and pay homage to him. Its all about control with him. Hes got to know he can control things and anyone.
Some of the things hes done to me in the past. If someone else did this you'd never speak to them again.
Do you think that we want to fix everything too much? (Or make everybody happy)? Maybe that's just me!
Did u & mom have a difficult relationship in ur childhood? (Excuse my curiosity).
I hope you will set goals for ur own happiness vinman31.
If it seems like you're giving up, it's okay to give up...the things that are driving u crazy😳. Take care.
Since you are employed, she is either able to care for herself when you're at work or you have someone coming in to take care of her. Either way, find some activity outside of work that you enjoy and let her know you'll be out 1 evening a week to do that. Maybe she is in the house too much - could you take her to a place of her choice on one of your no work days. Make her select place to go so she can't say it was your fault if she didn't like it. If she has no desire to pick a place, don't go anywhere. At TV time, tell her you plan to watch XX show this evening and ask if she'd like to watch it too. YOU take remote during that show. If at any point she loses interest, then go to the other tv room and finish watching on your own....watch your movie from beginning to end.
-Get her involved in the grocery list..candy, whatever it is she wants. Then keep the list after shopping. When she complains, tell her it was not on the list and show her. - Have her start a new list w/the items she forgot last time.
-If she is on a roll about something, tell her how it makes you feel. If it won't stop, tell her you will be in another room until she can talk nicer to you.
-I don't know if you argue back with her, but if you do...you have to learn how to communicate differently. That's where a professional can help you learn new habits...suggestions of things to say in response...how to engage differently. You might even talk to your mom's dr. There are medications to help take the edge off and she may very well need something. -Baby steps to change what has been going on a long time...
Can't speak for others, but I come here to get ideas on how to approach issues (behavior and otherwise) from other people experiencing similar. It could be a professional needs to be called in to help undo a pattern of behavior that we didn't deal with in the very beginning. Sometimes there's a dementia issue and there is no fixing a broken mind, but someone may offer a better approach.
The very last thing I'd want in the way of input is for someone to call me a fool and a weakling if I didn't have the guts, as you put it, to walk away and say to H3LL with them. -- Bless your heart, as we say in the South.
I had made it clear from the get-go that being a hands on primary caregiver in their old age was not an option. (I never had kids and I am disabled for PTSD.)
Last summer I had to move them from independent living to Assisted Living and also became DPOA as Mom was losing memory rapidly. It's a beautiful facility with open restaurant style dining, etc and all they did was complain about everything. It's exhausting. I cut back on visiting as I couldn't take it - my anxiety was through the roof and BP was over 200!
Now, he just gets more mean and nasty the older he gets. When he can't do whatever he wants or get his way, he is horribly rude and obnoxious. I am so afraid of getting the phone call that they will kick him out.
I am the oldest of 3 and have always been the scapegoat and my 2 useless brothers conveniently live 1100 miles away. They were the Golden Child, especially the youngest, could do no wrong. I don't even get moral support from him. I am now very low contact with Nfather as I can't stand to be in the same room with him. For the past several years, his big thing has been that everyone (staff, doctors, hospitals, rehab, etc) all treat him like a sex offender due to a revenge plot by someone he used to know years ago spreading rumors about him. He also goes around telling any one who will listen that he he is a Holocaust Survivor. Um... he'd never been to a concentration camp and is not even Jewish! A life time of lies, no regard for anyone else's feelings, verbal abuse. I lost all respect for the man years ago and I have no love left for him either. He will die alone and will have brought it all onto himself with his deplorable behavior. I have no guilt; I did my best. He is in a safe place, cared for by professionals. I make sure bills are paid and manage all financial affairs as I am the sole trustee and executrix. I have lost the best years of my retirement and am trying to focus on my own health issues from all the stress. Had to go off my PTSD meds in January as I have liver damage. My goal is to not let him kill me too.
We can't make it better, we can't fix them or make them happy. Get out as soon as you can. Save yourself. Karma has no menu. We get served what we deserve. I just keep telling myself "Not my circus, not my flying monkeys, not my problem." Sorry my venting got carried away. No one deserves to be abused or treated badly by a toxic parent. I hope you can salvage what is left of your life. Best of luck and a big hug.
It is very difficult to live with anyone, in all truth. Roommates, husbands, children. You name em, we can fight with em. My brother and I laugh about his Assisted Living often looking like a hippie commune for the fights and the divisions and the sides and the community meetings. It is hard.
I noticed when I used to keep diaries that I only journaled when I was peeved. Made it look as though my life was miserable.
About my only idea is to do the GRAY ROCK. Or answer always gently. And be certain that there are territories for retreat for BOTH of you. Her room is off limits to you. Yours is off limits to her. And you retreat there to replenish yourself in your "room of one's own".
You do not mention the degree that dementia is involved in all this. The more it IS involved the more hopeless any actions will be for making change, and in the end, sounding the bugles for retreat is sometimes the only way. Good luck. Do look up gray rock. It can be a help.
You need to SIMPLY find your voice.
Stop, stop it all, stop now.
Give it right back.
Who, is at who’s mercy?
Not one thing you said, I haven’t experienced.
BUT......I started fighting back and told the truth about the selfish behavior.
We have spent MANY HOURS INCOMMUDICADO!!!!
I feel better!!!!!!
Don’t care!!!!
STAND YOUR GROUND!!!!!!