Looking after Mum with dementia. Through the past few years I have scarificed a lot, magnified by covid. I have lost touch with my friends, have no time or energy for social life. I’m in my late 30’s wondering if I’ll ever meet anyone, have children, let alone even have time for a date. The only person I talk to is my mum who it’s becoming increasingly harder to have a proper conversation with. My own health has suffered massively, I’ve gained weight due to the constant stress and tiredness, my sleep is all out of whack, I’ve developed asthma and have anemia. 3 years I go I was fit and healthy. I hate the sight of myself now in the mirror, I don’t see the girl I was and want to be. Now I’m at a crossroad of where I’m being forced to make a choice between Mum and my profession. Even if Mum goes to a care facility, I would not be able to see her due to health regulations inevitably and there is 0 other family. I fly overseas for a career and if you’ve been overseas, you are banned from visiting an aged care facility due to covid. This was my dream and I worked many years to get to where I am. I don’t have the same earning potential elsewhere, which would bring further strain. I feel like my whole life has been hijacked if that makes sense and I’m not happy. I keep wondering if Mums dementia is worth me losing all of this, friends, my own family, my health and profession and where I’ll be in 10yrs time, if I keep going like this. I keep looking at others my age moving on with their lives, progressing whereas I am back peddling in every way. Yet the thought of just dumping my mum at a care facility and not being able to see her, makes me feel sick in the stomach as we’ve always been super close. I can imagine if I did that, it would come back to bite me later and then I’d regret that. I really don’t know what I’m meant to do. I have to choose between myself and Mum. It’s like we are both falling off a cliff and I’m holding on to her hand and if I let go, I will survive but if I don’t, we both fall. Only this is not a cliff so I’m so confused! I love her and for now I can still have conversations with her but what about couple of years time, when she no longer remembers who I am,.. will it all be worth it then for me to have lost all the above mentioned? The profession is not something I can drop and pick up again later without starting again from the very beginning,.. it’s built on seniority. I wish my workplace was able to give me further leave but I’ve been given a deadline. My whole life I have pretty much invested for my family, I also have a brother with a disability (in a care facility overseas) and my other brother was sick and passed away 2019. I’ve been worrying since I was a kid for my family and used to think, when I grow up, I’ll finally be set. I used to think then I can finally have all the security I missed as a kid and be free while also being able to provide assistance to my family. Key word being “assistance, not losing all I have”. I feel like my late 30’s are a break it or make it point where I really need to establish my own future or suffer the consequences now and later. Where do you draw the line,.. how do you weigh up all this! It’s absolutely breaking my heart both ways. If it weren’t for covid, admittedly things would be different. I’d be able to place Mum in care and go back to my profession of choice and see her on my days off, all would be well. I will add that these restrictions even apply to home care and respite. I’m feeling a whole lot of resentment and just feel upset all the time. Neither choice will result in a happy outcome.
time to put your mum in a nursing home where she can be looked after by others and you can get a little quality time back by just visiting your mum.
Im a mum and would not want my 30 year old daughter putting her life on hold for my care. It would not be fair.
you have done enough, you have been a wonderful daughter who obviously loves her mother.
Get your life back.
Are there are other options to provide 24/7 care for Mom besides you?
Basically if you had 6 siblings, all living local, you could do one day a week: co-care & still have a life. But you don't. (Who does..? anyone..? I sure don't).
So if a complete battle of martyr vs common sense - I choose the common sense option - which is Mom needs more help that you alone can provide. Find it. Make peace with it. It's not perfect. But just how it has to be.
Stop looking for reasons why this won't work, realize it WILL, then agree to move on with YOUR life and be happy. Resentment anger and burn out isn't helping you OR your mother, in reality. My mother has been in managed care since 2014 and I certainly haven't "dumped her off" there either! That's not a reasonable or healthy way to look at the reality of the situation at all. Unless in home care is working out well for BOTH of you, without anger and resentment, then in truth, it's working for NEITHER of you.
Wishing you the best of luck moving forward with your own life now.
@Cappuccino42, I think you need to start putting yourself first. It sounds like your own health is suffering. That’s not a good sign. You can’t look after someone else’s health if you can’t look after your own.
Finally, resentment is a normal part of elder care. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
Is your overseas work placement likely to be stable? If so, would the money work out for you to take your mother with you and place her in a care facility close to you while you work overseas? Sometimes care facilities are a lot cheaper in other countries, or you may have the option to sell assets (a car? a house?) to fund her care if there is no pension income.
Covid regulations are not likely to last forever. If you are both vaccinated, would mother cope in a local care facility for two or three years (perhaps less) while things settle down? She may not be happy about it, but then very few people are.
If she goes into a local facility and you ask around (Church, for example), you may find someone who would be willing (for payment) to visit her once a week, deal on the spot with the issues that come up, and keep in touch with you about her situation. A care manager would take it on, but you may find a friendly retiree who could get on well with mother, and be a ‘new friend’. They could help mother set up zoom with you, too. It sounds like quite a nice little job for an older person with time on their hands,
Keep thinking outside the square. It isn’t limited to just you and mother continuing just the way you are (except getting worse). Good luck and best wishes, Margaret
But you mentioned a work deadline? Is this to return or quit? So there are big consequences to that decision.
Covid, vax & travel rules will change I expect, although the future is never certain.. (another 'delta' could be around the corner).
What would you regret MORE in 3 years time? Seeing Mom infrequently & on video calls only or losing your job?
Is your career something you could pick up easily again or not? Are there many jobs? Have you the finances if left unemployed for longer than planned?
Could you compromise with a local part-time job (at something else) & hire in-home aides to create some balance? For say 6 months then re-visit?
Covid will not last forever. There are zoom meetings. The last two times I saw my father alive were through zoom. The second time he was barely conscious so an in-person visit would have been for nothing as he wouldn't have known I was there.
Look into other options if you are afraid of AL. There is no law saying you have to be the solution to everything.
Then again, I dont want kids. And I dont have a job overseas. So ultimately, you know what is best for you. Maybe you dont need to make the decision immediately. Maybe time and the universe will make it for you if you allow things to happen more naturally.
In another post, you talk about how lonely and withdrawn your mother is becoming, and how important her friends were to her before she developed memory issues.
In a good facility, there will be people for her to interact with all the time - not just one tired daughter who's also stressed by work commitments. There will also be people who can help her have phone or facetime conversations with you and explain, if need be, why you're unable to come to see her in person.
It sounds as if you're feeling overwhelmed by the different challenges presented by any of the choices that are available, and it is difficult to think these things through especially when there are so many uncertainties. How far have you got with researching what the actual, practical options are?
Based on the age you say, I'm about ten years older than you. Maybe a little less. I never had any biological kids, but I am a mother. I also have financial insecurity. I wish I had known when I was your age and younger to sacrifice for myself first for my own sake and future instead of for my family who I get nothing from.
You know how when you get on a plane they say in an emergency to put your own oxygen mask on first before the kids? It's because you won't be able to do for the kids unless you do for yourself first.
Let me tell you something. Whatever relationship or love you have for your mom will be gone if you continue on as you are. What will take its place is resentment, anger, regret and even hatred. You will go from helping and caring for her to being a slave and dementia is a cruel master. I would know my friend because I've been 12 Years A Slave so far on this elder care plantation.
Get out while you still can. There are other options available for your mother besides a nursing home. There is homecare options (both hourly or live-in). There are assisted living communities. There are memory care facilities. Many of them are very nice places. Check some out for her.
Then get yourself into some therapy for your own sake. Good luck to you.
She cannot depend on YOU if you’re falling apart.
Do to make your life more liveable. You are in big trouble if you seek help.
TRy the librarian at your local library. They are very knowlegable.
Not having gone after your dreams? Or not being a Super Hero and looked after your mom for longer than you did?
Put your mom in care. You’ll have to eventually anyway. Do it now so you can go after some of those dreams. They’re important, too.
Talk to which every home you put her into. Maybe you could do window visits, or they have partition visits. You won’t know for sure the restrictions until you speak to someone.
If I were in your mother’s shoes, that’s what I’d want. I’d want my kids to go out and make the most of their lives. To not have regrets. To live as big and as happily as they could because we only get one shot at this life. I’ll be fine wherever. I’m a survivor. I’ll make it work. But I don’t want to be a burden on my children, preventing them from living the fullest of lives. I doubt your mother, in her right mind, would want that either.
You are a 30 yo who needs a career to pay the bills and build wealth. Unless you’re a trust fund baby, you really don’t have an option to just quit. The line is already drawn. It’s just heartbreaking to accept that you can’t stop your loved ones from hurting.
You can test a new road. Help mom gets the assistance she needs and call her. Expect mom to be unhappy when she talks to you (change is hard) but watch to see if it’s a guilt trip con. Apparently my grandfather complained to my mother about the AL center but she found out he had a lady friend and was quite social.
If you don’t take care of you, you may grow jaded or bitter. What kind of life is that? One without friends (because who wants a disillusioned bitter friend)?
You need to live for yourself.
If you posed this question to your mom 10, 15 years ago what would her advice have been?
I am sure that your mom would not have wanted you to pass up on career, opportunity the possibility of a family to care for her. I know I would not want a child of mine to do that.
1 - Get help for mom. You can not care for her alone. You need others who will care for her and know the types of care she needs. If you can not find enough volunteer help through family, friends, members of your faith community... then you must find paid caregivers. Consider adult day programs (Monday - Friday days), sitters and home health aides round the clock if mum doesn't sleep well at night, and residential facilities. Please use whatever funds mum has as well as government and community resources. The goal is to make sure she is adequately cared for and not create financial hardship for yourself.
2 - Get help for yourself. Go see the doctor for a thorough physical, Get referrals to a nutritionist, physical therapy or trainer at a gym, and any others to work on restoring your health. Meet regularly with either a support group or a counsellor to deal with the emotions and issues that need resolution. Realize that this journey back to health is a marathon and not a sprint.
3 - Get back the parts of your life you lost. Go to work somewhere; COVID changed work for so many people and your career may have changed too. You won't know unless you try and also investigate other positions that don't require travel. Reestablish friendships and make new ones; this means getting out of the house with and without mum and talking to others. Get some "time off" from mum to enjoy activities with others.
A good adult child makes sure that his or her parent is cared for, even if it means not doing all the caregiving yourself.
I am burned out, angry, resentful and hate my life.
Your mother should not have 5 caregivers. For what that must cost your mother could be in an asissted living community. That is ridiculous and complicates a situation unnecessarily. There should be no more than three who either split the 7-day work week or work in rotation one week at a time.
Also, your mother's money is not your inheritance unless she leaves it to you. It's her money and she can spend it as she pleases. She's paying for her care with it. You could help her save a little bit by cutting her care staff down.
20 years of dealing with a senior with dementia is more than anyone can be expected to take.
Find a nursing home or memory care for your mother. You don't owe anymore.