Since my grandparents (my grandfather passed away 3 months ago) began having 24/7 care from Doreen, who we all knew already as she was their longtime housekeeper and dear friend, I have told my dad I don't want any help doing anything when I visit. I'm perfectly capable of shopping for and preparing my own food, cleaning, making my bed, and doing my own laundry. I'm not going there to be "served" if you get what I'm saying. And in the beginning I had serious doubts about the whole situation. I was nervous about meeting anyone else who was going to be helping besides Doreen, because she was the only one I knew. Now every time I go to see my grandmother, my dad is always coordinating my whereabouts with Doreen and pressuring me to "accept help." I'm sorry, I'm 23. Fit, active, strong, and healthy. I don't need any of that kind of help. And in the past, when I was nervous about meeting any new caregivers, I always got called "cold," "uncaring," "heartless," or a "bad grandson." My stepmom even once said, "I'm tired of visiting the nursing home" (meaning my grandparents' house). She would go UNHINGED if I had said the same. Being the bigger person though, I didn't call her out for it. But I guess my biggest point is that my dad has called me ungrateful just because I don't want help when I'm visiting, or because I've been perhaps a bit more reserved about the whole situation than most of the other family members. I love my grandmother DEARLY, and I'm very happy that Doreen of all people is the one who's helping her the most. She's like the daughter she never had. And all of the others, even though I was initially hesitant about meeting them, have turned out to be fantastic too. I just feel like when I'm visiting my dad has forced me to accept the same kind of help that my grandmother now needs when I have no need for it at all. And one time when I was explaining my reservations about the situation he said, in a threatening tone, "do you realize how much money I'm paying these people a month?" (thousands), and how I was being ungrateful, then something like "how DARE you speak ill of people helping my parents, your grandparents." I NEVER did that. I just said I was a bit uncomfortable visiting with the people I didn't know being there. By the way, I now live at my grandparents' old second house. I watch it since my grandmother can't get here anymore due to the stairs. Once when I was still hesitant about meeting the caregivers, my dad said, "you won't visit them because of these GOOD people who are there to help them, and now you're talking about 'taking over' this house," meaning "steal" it from them to him. Anyways, most of this has been resolved by now. I'm just wondering if anyone has ever had similar experiences. When I've told him I don't want help from them when I visit, he has said, "you just don't like caregivers, do you?"
The whole "I'm paying them" angle from dad IS kind of gross.
But also keep in mind the angle of, if grandmom would want to do things for her grandson, but is not physically capable of doing it herself, she may / could be trying to help you through Doreen, or, Doreen is helping you for her sake, anticipating grandmom's wishes to show a level of physical care toward you. And yes, that sort of thing would include, say, doing your laundry, if grandmom sees laundry-doing as a caring kindness.
In my case, I'm not really anyone hired. I'm just a daughter :p taking care of my mom.
But when guests come over to visit my mother specifically, my mother directs me to do the things that she would do for guests if she was able. "Do you want a cup of coffee?" she'll ask, then if I do not immediately get up and head to the coffee-pot when they say yes? "Callie, go get them coffee." Her voice might even be a little chiding -- as if she caught me slacking. She desires to show a kindness to her guests. I am her arms and legs for things she can't do. Therefore, those kindnesses are done through me.
And in that moment, in no way am I "doing" for that someone who is not my mother, no matter how old or young they are and no matter how capable or incapable they are to get their own coffee without help. I am STILL doing things for my mother. Again ... I promised to be her hands and feet for what she can't do. Caring for her guests? That's not some extreme out of my paygrade thing to do. It's not like I'm rubbing people's feet. :D (
Getting anyone to do anything with feet is apparently super difficult according to everything I've been hearing so far. Hospice was so quick to point out that the don't do anything for feet that I need to wonder how much of an issue that sort of request is.. hahaha).
But feet aside, things like doing laundry or cooking dinner for a grandson is a kindness that a caregiver is doing for the sake of their client. They are acts of kindness, that my mother is not capable of doing anymore, but would do if she could. This is part of the possible workload of caregiving - different caregivers / carers will do this to different extremes dependent on who they are and what their parameters are (sometimes things need to be restricted even legally)
Again the one example being -- I will make coffee and lay out cookies on little plates with exacting placement and set up the cocktail table for my mother's guests because that is what she would have done.
The other extreme is my mother's CNA -- who will do nothing for anyone BUT my mother. My presence in the house shrinks her duties even smaller -- as my mother has a caregiver (me), the CNA will only help with dressing, undressing, bathing, hair. I did have her go through my mother's winter clothes and switch her drawers out from summer to winter wardrobe a couple weeks ago just so there could be a change of pace. But other stuff that my mom may need or need to do is out of the CNS's wheelhouse.
A middle-point is something like a home health aide, which, well I don't know they seem to do pretty much the entire gambit of home and health care, though I'm sure there are probably things they're also legally dis-allowed to do.
It also might help to not think of them as servants. They're not servants. They're just helping your grandmom do stuff. Dad's angle on trying to get you to see this is also wrong. You'd prob see a lot of stories about ppl being paid good money to do nothing, or crap money to do the world, if you look hard enough.
If you wanna make sure something is okay? Ask grandmom. Like, sit down with her and flat out ask. Is she actually okay with Doreen being told to do for you? Is SHE the one telling her to do it? If so, chill. Or, offer to do gmom's laundry yourself while doing yours. Doreen could prob use the break ;)
Your Dad feels that these Caregivers can do for you because he is paying big bucks for their services. You are right, he is wrong. They are there for Grandmom and their job is to care for her not you too. Your Dad maybe paying a lot of money but it for his mothers care only. If his Dad was still alive needing care, he would be paying more.
I have a feeling your not a people person, thats OK. You don't have to be friends with these people but you should acknowledge them. If they are new, introduce yourself and get their name. When you visit, make it a point to say Hi and ask how things are going. You don't have to carry on a conversation with them. Your there to visit your Grandmother.
I think its nice that you do not expect to be waited on and really its not part of Doreen's job either. But seems like she has been with Grandmom for years so is one of the family. I see no reason why, if she cooks, you can't except her just making a little more. Otherwise, ur right, she should not be washing your clothes, making your bed or shopping for you and cooking food that is just for you. And the house, you really are helping there. It does not look abandoned. You are paying for the utilities and maybe taxes. You are preserving it to be able to sell it at a decent price.
My question would be, how is Dad finding out that you do things for yourself at Grands. Does he ask and then u tell him. When it comes to cooking your own food may want to say you like how you prepare it. Again, you may want to tell him the Caregivers are not there for you. If relatives came from out of town, its not the Caregivers job to wait on them. They are only being paid to care for Grandma.
Are you trying to do Doreen's work for your grandma while you're there? If so, that's out of line. It's Doreen's job to care for Grandma and her house. You are to visit and be a grandson.
Now, if Doreen is doing your laundry, then that's a little unnecessary. However, why are you there long enough to generate laundry? If you're there for weeks, then you're getting in the way of Doreen running the household efficiently, so she's likely incorporating you into her system to make things work.
As for the cooking, no one wants to share a kitchen with a grumpy kid. Just eat what's being offered, because again, you're disrupting the household when you're there. Try to make Doreen's life easier by blending in as much as possible when you're there. She's not being paid extra to take care of you, so it's pretty nice of her to include the added load of your meals and laundry. The best thing you could do is get a hotel room and visit Grandma during the day, then go back to your own space at night. That would make everyone's life happier.
You visit your Grandmother & stay with her for what, a few days or so? But you are uncomfortable with the Housekeeper, doing things for you - or being there??
If you take your own plate to the sink & help with the dishes.. make your bed, throw a load of laundry on.. If the housekeeper is cooking for 2 already, is cooking extra for you a big deal? Could you accept the meal & take a turn cooking one night? Or just leave a nice gift for the Housekeeper when you leave?
I don't think I get it.
Seems to me the whole situation isn't as big a deal as you're turning it into. A simple "No Thanks Doreen" may go a lot further than anything else.
My condolences on the loss of your grandfather.