ive been caring for my 80 yr old mum for 6 years now.i cant work and ive missed out on lots of time with my kids.i only care for her 3 days a week.the other 4 days she is fine on her own and that's when my sister will call on her for an hour.just I get severe depression and it means I have day when I struggle to hold it together.how ever I did get better and I was meant to be going to work that's when mum fell ill and I was needed,my partner had a part time job but he stayed home o look after my kids while I saw to my mum.i have a sister who lives across the road from my mum but she didn't want to care for her. I struggled catching 2 buses from my home to my mothers and still do.my partner has a slipped disc in his back and cant work.he dosent get any extra money for this.anyway we and my partner between us just saw to the kids and we did struggle.even when I was ill I never took time of cause my mum would be crying wondering if she should look for another carer.problem ive got now is that when mum went back and fo to hospital I went to see her everyday and my finances were stretched and I had to dip into her savings amd as much as I regret it I cant undo ehat ivr done.then my brother was ill with cancer he needed things that I couldn't pay for so again I dipped into my mums money with the intention of getting a loan to repay it .only I feel so awful as I haven't done so yet and my mum is seeing that her finances are dwindling.shes never goes without ,it was either me do this or leave mum deteriorate in hospital because she wouldn't have me to see her.no one else would visit.she get a state pension and I pay her bills out of it and do her shopping but she dosent understand prices and she has been moaning to my brother about it.i feel so bad but im not taking from her pension and haven't been taking anything of late.still im so suicidal and I don't want to live knowing that she will find out.she is forgetful latel and when my brother died she forgot at times that he wasn't around.i cant tell her openly what ive done as I will be an outcast from my family.also when I said my kids were ill ori was ill I never could have a day of.i feel a failure and im so deeply depressed I feel as though they all know what ive done.i couldn't even grieve for my brother who ive lost a few weeks ago.i cant grieve because mum dosent seem to aware of whats happened and even the day of the funeral I wanted to go home to my family.she insisted I go to see her and was upset when I was going to go home.so I had to see her still catching 2 buses there and back and trying to be normal for her but it had an effect .I just need kind words right now.i know ive done wrong
I left a large city, earning 72k and now earn $800/month in the country . There is no way in the world, I'm going to let a rainy day account wait for the rain when there is a thunderstorm outside! Our families expect us to care for them and rely on kids and grandkids to care for them... regardless.
If your mom is concerned about her money, politely tell her to hire an external caregiver, and see how fast her money will dissipate. Or worst, if she ends up in a nursing home!
At the end of the day, ask yourself this question: if what I spend is used for my family members well-being or quality of life? If I use my granny's money to pay my cell phone bill in which doctors and other call... should I feel guilty? NO. If I go shopping at Nordstrom with my granny money should I fell guilty? Yes indeed. Use sound judgement and keep it moving.
I know that you realize that life is not sustainable with the way that you're living. Your first responsibility is to you and your children and making sure that there is money for that. This means that someone needs to work to bring in some money. If your mother is not paying you, you need to find work that will pay. It may help to lift you out of the funk you are in. Do you have any skills? Would you be able to do housework or child care? There is always a market for that. If you can't work, could you or your partner qualify for disability?
I know these are not words of comfort, but your situation led you to steal from your mother because of need. The only remedy I see is to find legal ways to meet your financial needs. It's hard, but it's something that we all face, particularly when there are children involved.
I feel for your situation. I live with and care for my mother, but I also work. I have missed a lot of work due to her health issues and I have missed on many milestones with my kids due to being with her in the hospital, but if I hit a tight spot I just said, "Hey Mom, I am running low because of missing work, could you help out"....she always has...sometimes it is a gift and sometimes I repay her. Honesty will go a long way in relieving your feelings of guilt.
There are many stories about children taking all their parents' money. Most caregivers are not doing that, but there are laws in place to try to prevent it from happening. It is better that a caregiver remain on the right side of the law. There are several ways to do that. Taking money without permission or authority is not one of the legal ways and could be prosecuted if the family wanted.
He paid his own way; I didn't want anything but he helped in that I could use his car and he paid all the bills for the car. Later he decided he needed to give me something and he gave me $50 month. Not a lot of money and it did help.
My father needed to know he was paying his own way. He was a child of the depression and he simply couldn't have handled being a burden on anyone. (If he hadn't had enough income, I would have lied to him to allow him to believe he was self-supportive. Thankfully it never came to that.)
I'm not saying you need to be paid. I'm saying there is nothing wrong with using her money to take care of her needs.
Keep all receipts and make sure they are marked for what was purchased. This is to protect yourself later on.
OP, I like jeannegibbs' suggestion to have a talk with your mother and ask her to consider the money you took to be payment for your caregiving. And I'm sure she would have wanted that money for your brother to be given to him? Ask her.
See All Answers