I've posted about my elderly Dad getting more and more difficult as time passes. Recently he took up driving when his vision is deteriorating. I know he has no vision in one eye and 40-80% in the other, depending on how well the injections for macular degeneration go. He wouldn't listen to reason, so I took my concerns to the local traffic authority in my state (I am in Victoria, Australia). Once the paperwork came for him to have his eyes tested by his Doctor, he went crazy. He threatened me with violence, (he asked if I had contacted them and I said yes) so I left the house. He has communicated with me through my Mother that he doesn't want me to come back. My problem is that I no longer have a job (my business has shut down due to Covid 19) and without a job I cannot find a place to rent. I have contacted services for people who find themselves in this situation (the services are very busy at the moment) and have a friend I can stay with (short term). I know that I will be OK.
I went around there today to get some clothes, and he saw me as I was leaving, he started yelling and I quickly left. I have spoken with his Doctor, who tells me I did the right thing (reporting him for driving) and that to bring a mental health assesment team into the house would be dangerous to my Mother, as they don't take the person into care immediately, there is a waiting period.
I have asked the neighbour to drop in and keep an eye on my Mother.
I guess I just need to hear that I did the right thing. I had asked one of my friends if I could stay with her (she has a very large house, and lives there alone) and she advised me to go back and apologise to my Father and go back and keep a low profile. This is not an option as he can become violent.
I'm just having a very low day. Scared of what's going on in that house and for myself as well.
You have helped build a safety network around your Mum & a safer home for yourself.
Sounds like Dad has become more accepting of his situation. Losing vision would be a huge loss - I wonder if Dad's denial then anger is part of the grief cycle over that? I think temperament has alot to do with how we adjust to aging too. If my Grandma needed glasses, hearing aides, a walker - she just got them. But my Mum denied glasses & hearing aides for 5 yrs each, is ashamed of needing a wheelchair & now very controlling.
I think you'll do well building up your own life again & staying well connected to Mum.
Dad? Well he may be just one of those 'madder than a cut snake' old guys you can't reason with - just let the Doctors deal with him as he gets worse (& have a nursing home picked out if he breaks a hip). As they say, you got this!
I've thought about the same things you bring up. I am on Job seeker, and I got help from EDVOS, so I am in a flat, renting at a low price.
Mum and I email every day, because he tends to monitor the phone. She told me yesterday he is now ready to hand his license into Vic roads, so that's a relief, and has stopped driving.
Yes Mum has a good neighbour across the road, who is aware of the situation, (I've actually told the neighbour behind her and to the left) but he seems to be reasonable with her, she looks after his every need, so maybe he still realises he needs her.
They won't take any help in the home, so getting an outside agency in is proving difficult.
I just have to be patient, and perhaps, it is a good thing I am no longer there, because we were not getting along, and it stressed the both of us.
Thanks
It will be hard to help your Mother unless she accepts it. Is there a long standing pattern of putting up with his anger? Or is the anger new? Is it just Dad's eyesight that's declining? Or is there suspected memory/cognitive problems?
The Doctor advised NOT sending the mental health crises team - is that right? (They would take him on the spot if hallucinationing or welding a knife, but I think it has to be that serious).
Has the Aged Care Assessment Team (ACAS) been to visit? That's more for home help, housework & personal care that sort of thing but they can observe & flag issues.
I would be calling Mum to check on her. Does she have her own phone so you can call/txt discreetly & not to use the house line & get him? If not, maybe she should get one.
Mother needs a safety plan. Some safe places to go & people to call. She drives? 'Just poping out to the shopping centre' (she can call from there). 'Going to the neighbours to borrow sugar'. She needs to be able to call the Police if he becomes violent. Would she do this? Some are so afraid they won't.
I've been lucky and another friend offered me a place to stay.
I know I did the right thing, and my father is stressed about many things, his health is deteriorating and this was a blow to his independence.
Thank you for your kind words.
The thing is, neither will be. Your mother won't leave your father. The authorities are not going to section him or imprison him. So on what basis do you think a mental health assessment will change anything materially?
A further problem is that as far as I can see there is nothing yet to stop him driving. He has to get his eyes tested, and the paperwork about that is what triggered his latest rage; but nobody's removed his car and nobody has reported any incidents of dangerous driving, is that correct? So he's presumably also still on the road and - as yet as least - licensed to be (unless it's been suspended, has it? And how about insurance?).
And meanwhile you've got no job and nowhere to live.
Bummer all round, really.
When did all this kick off? I'm wondering how long it might be before the dust settles a bit.
The thing is. Along with traditional cultures you're supposed to get extended families and the classic "village" model where people's business is everybody's business. You shouldn't have been alone in your concerns. Any family nearby? What kind of neighbourhood are your parents living in? And how long had you been staying with them?
I'm glad that you have somewhere to be in the short term (I'm slightly less impressed with your Job's Comforter friend). And how about work - are there any temporary teaching opportunities around? Are you part of a professional network?
You DID do the right thing. I also applaud your having the courage of your convictions and telling your father the truth about it. I wish more people - e.g. your mother! not that I'm blaming her, there's a lot of it about - were prepared to do the same, then we wouldn't have the same widespread problem around driving where people pussyfoot around instead of picking up the phone. I'm just sorry it's not gone better for you, and I hope that changes very fast.
Your father is not alone in flying off the handle because his licence is under threat, but it usually calms down after a while. The chances are that he won't want to lose you as a daughter permanently, and he may not want you to be in dire straits at this difficult time. Do what you have to do to last out the problem. You have done the right thing, but justifying it isn’t important and may not be the best thing to do right now. Best of luck, and courage!
That friend with the large house? I would ask again, tell her that dad ran you off again and returning home is not an option. Doesn't sound like much of a friend to me. Though some people are very private and need their alone time, so it may be something like that.
You must have something along the lines of adult protective services. Give them a call and tell them what is going on. They will be able to help.
During the Covid 19 lockdown we have had many children home from school, out and about on their bikes. It is a new freedom for many of them, something I haven't seen since I was a girl. And every time I see a child on a bike I'd think to myself, there's no way my father would see them, they were forefront in my mind when I wrote to our version of the DMV.
Your stories made me feel that yes, I did the right thing.