I suffer from childhood emotional trauma that lasted until adulthood. I often experience flashbacks, nervousness and always fearing something bad is going to happen. For example, because I'm admitting I had a sad childhood, I'm afraid God will punish me for complaining about the one who mistreated me. Yes, I know that sounds crazy. I'm beginning counseling soon but I just wanted to see if there is anyone else out there like me who is now the caregiver for the person.
As far as remembering the bad times, all of us have lived through unpleasant experiences that are difficult to forget.
Therapy helped me to view my past in the proper perspective. We can choose not to allow our past experiences dictate our present life.
Sure, there are fleeting moments when we are reminded of something that is disturbing to us. I do my best to move forward and not become stuck.
I am fortunate to have very good friends in my life. Making new memories is a beautiful way to begin to heal.
There’s a time to mourn and grieve for what we missed out on in life, but I don’t believe that time should last forever.
My therapist once told me something that made a lot of sense to me. He said that I had more time behind me than I had ahead of me, so don’t waste the time that was left on all of the ‘what if’s’ in my life. We can’t ever change the past.
We had no choice about what family that we were born into or our family dynamics. We do have choices in how we move forward in our lives.
Wishing you peace as you continue on in your journey.
First of all, and I'm just going to respond as is, not any other way, God will not punish you for complaining about who mistreated you. My mind will do this to me too, and it is a way of finding "someone else who will be mad at me that I cannot please." I'm not a religious person nor will I push it but where I'm at in my mind, Ol' G suffers right along with you. That's that. If you are a forgiving person, more power to you. I, am not, and I rest comfortably that I will never be. That doesn't mean I'll lower myself to an abusive level. I rose above...somewhat.
Therapy and reaching out to others in this same boat will start to open your mind that this is real, this does happen, and yes we are out there feeding the same mouths that cursed our very existence. You can start first by feeling proud of yourself in saying, "I didn't turn out like this." When you think, "I would NEVER do this to anyone," about things from the past - remember you're right. You would never, because you're better than that. And that my friend, is what partly helps make you a caregiver.
Please seek professional help - there are insights within it that will blow your mind and your mindset right out of the water. If I can go from tears, to, "Oh for C's sake knock it off mother," so can you. I even said that today.
"You're right," she said.
Good luck. It can be done.
Find therapy - I did. You will have a whole new outlook on life
"My mind will do this to me too, and it is a way of finding "someone else who will be mad at me that I cannot please."
I think you're very wise. Wisdom comes sometimes in the oddest of ways!
Do you see that what you subscribe to is a system that perpetuates enslavement to the abuser?
I went to Catholic school so nobody had the dogma forced down their throat harder than I. I decided to ditch IT too, along with any thoughts I'd entertain that somehow God would punish me for complaining about being an innocent victim of a troubled childhood. Instead I opened my mind to the idea that God is love. And forgiveness. And compassion and understanding and empathy. That's when I learned to love MYSELF and give up all the ugly, fearful thoughts that plagued me. God wants us to love and respect ourselves and the life He gave us, right?
Good luck with your upcoming counseling.
As you yourself realize, this kind of thinking requires a therapist. No one here can reason you out of that kind of thinking.
I do sort of relate to your thinking. I often have felt that I am sinning for dwelling on past hurt and still holding resentment and anger towards my emotional abusers. I think there are a number of places in the Bible that speak of forgiveness and how we need to forgive to be forgiven. But I think God does understand and love us and wants us to forgive others, not for their sake but for our sake so we can move on. Forgiving those that have hurt us doesn't mean that this wonderful feeling will suddenly wash over us and voila the hurt they caused will just disappear. It's a process. It also doesn't mean that you need to ever see them or interact with them again. If you have to I'm sorry.
I'm not a caregiver for anyone who hurt me and I'm not sure I could be. It takes a strong person to do that. You are probably stronger than you think you are and I hope the counseling helps you to begin to realize that.
God will not punish you, that's the fear talking. I think that the reason the flashbacks are happening is because you're looking after that said same person.
Can you share it with others?
I have childhood trauma and my Dad was the reason for it. Looking back, my Mother always put me in the firing line, to save herself and my brother was the golden child.
I had received years of counselling before my Dad got ill and I had to look after him, so I understood boundaries and I could recognise the usual behaviours going on around me. But I still became very upset and had depression after he died.
I was what is called the scapegoat, in a family where both males were/are narcissists.
As my father got sick from cancer and the end was near, my mother booked herself in for knee surgery, it could have waited another six months, but she couldn't handle the situation. Which meant there was no one at home with my father. I agreed to do the care, but understanding boundaries I refused to move in, knowing I would need to get away from him. It did mean I quit my job, and put myself second in my own life.
He was grateful and also mean and bitter. Some things I ignored, somethings I responded to.
One day he told me how much of a failure I was as a child and I told him how much of a failure he was as a father. He was truly shocked, having no insight into himself.
That day I left early.
I understood that his behaviour was truly about himself and his unhappiness. My brother refused to help, but was happy to criticise from a distance. Again (after becoming upset for a time) I understand that he too, cannot look at himself, but prefers to blame others for how he feels about himself.
As my mother skirted around my Dad's death and put a great performance on at his funeral (so did my brother) I understood that they both do not understand themselves and their own motivations.
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.
You've already crossed one, by looking after the instigator of your childhood trauma.
Read a book called The Body Keeps the Score, and one I found very useful Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
The parent won't change now, they'll get worse, there will not be a Hollywood ending, nothing will get resolved. If you can get help, do so.
The counselling will help immensely, but seeing the person they are/were and not seeing them as a parent also helps.
Good luck, keep coming back to this forum, even if it's not to post, but to read how others are going and the responses. Your issue is common, sadly.
There are many people who were abused as children who wind up caregiving for their parent . They feel as if they have to . The parent makes them a slave to them .
As she demanded , I took care of my mother who was a narcissist . I tried to please her for most of my life rather than deal with her behavior and verbal and emotional abuse when she didn’t get her way . Off and on I would have total nervousness , IBS , the feeling of doom , and always waiting for the other shoe to drop especially when I knew it was time to see her .
All caregivers deserve boundaries . Far too often caregivers give up their own lives .
Boundaries can include not being a caregiver at all . Professionals can be caregiver while you step back and get help for yourself .
But to answer your question , you are not the only abused person being a caregiver and suffering with similar anxieties as you .
I am glad you realize you need help and are starting therapy . You are going in the right direction . Some of us never do and stay locked in a caregiver situation that they should give up .
I cared for mom for 4 years. I have mostly stepped back now, but we are still sharing space with her, and she is still so, so cruel.
The other day I was wishing she would just die (things are not going well...) and then my puppy ran off after a deer and wouldn't come back, and my brain just went, "Well, that's what you get for wishing that!"
When people abuse us, they tell us that that's what we get for doing xyz... When that's how we are raised, it's ingrained in us. And it's a battle to change our disordered thinking, but it can be done!
Remember to speak kindly to yourself, like you would speak to a dear friend, and tell yourself that your feelings are valid and you will not be punished for them.
And please, step back from caring for your abuser. There is always another way.