My mom has Alzheimer's and she is in a nursing home. I get physically ill at the thought of going to see her and I have to force myself to go. Does anyone else have this problem?

jbommarito why don't you make reservations from time to time at Americastay. I think that's the name of it. They have little singles with a kitchen and everything. That way you could have some time for yourself and since your brother lives there too, there's no excuse.

Real thoughtful suggestion. Why not? Could give jbommarito time to clear her mind, and get some perspective on things. I did that often while in the midst of things.

Pam, hope all is well with you.

I understand where you're coming from. Sometimes it's hard for me to visit as often as I used to and my parents are living at home with a caregiver. You give up so much of your life to take care of your ill parents, so your feelings of resentment are justified and understandable and HUMAN. The feelings of anxiety are only natural because it brings back old feelings of stress, anger and sadness. However, I also believe that time is something you can't get back. It's better to schedule some time out of your life and make sure you pay a visit whether it be 5 mins or 50. You don't want ever want to be in that position after they leave the world where you wonder "if only I had more time"....at least you know you did your best and you let them see you because trust me, even if they don't show it (inside they feel it and I don't care if it's Alzheimer's they feel it).

I would suggest though, to wait for a day where you feel up to it and then make the visit.

I had to wrap my brain around something that I heard last week. That no one can 'MAKE' you mad, they don't have the power to rule your emotions. No, you have to give your permission for them to hit the 'MAD' button. We are the only ones that can control our emotions. I understand what they were saying, but to remember that during a confrontation etc. is another thing. My husband just flunked that test a minute ago, when he CHOSE to let me make him mad. ha!

LOL, naheaton. Too bad he hadn't read that comment first.

If I say it once, I will say it again, YOU ARE ONLY RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR ACTIONS AND REACTIONS! That includes getting mad and making choices to be or not to be - ha!

Yes, it all began in the garden... and that is where it was all messed up.. but paradise awaits... glad that you found your green thumb, Pam - how cool is that??!

We are all growing.. isn't that what it's all about? Growing, learning, experiencing, and pulling weeds!? Make it a great day! Bloom where you are planted and let love blossom!

Make it a great day!

Gigglebox, I like the pulling weeds part. LOL And, we are growing, and blossoming, blooming, and not only surviving, but thriving, by the grace of God!

Amen, Sister! I am heading outside to enjoy a pretty day and to plan my own flowerbeds. Tulips are popping up already and my yellow pansies are blooming! Spring is in the air.

Pam, how are you doing?

Been slowly taking over my mom's gardening, since her eyes are bad and I don't think she can physcially do it anymore. I love gardening too.

Horticulture...you were off by only one letter.

I took Botany in college and it was my favorite class of all time. I had the most notes I ever took in a class in a lifetime. So glad I learned all of that because you do see plants in a different light when you understand their origins and how they work from the inside out. Mushrooms and Ferns have a very interesting sex life and don't get me started on conifers (pines)..lol....hmmmm felt good to think of nature for a moment. Oh back to mom's yard...been trying to do weeding the weeds are taking over the flower beds and its tough. I have been trying to pop in some glad bulbs from time to time...need to pop them in soon.
Oh and my rainforest plants are starting to send their shoots of flowers out..made a division on saturday came out to be a nice ball and hung it as so.

It might be your way(daughter too) of not wanting to say good-bye I do understand the hurt but your mom is still inside and you know seeing you still brings comfort.Go and who knows she may even surprise you. God Bless you!

PirateGal, it's so nice to hear you talk about plants. Maybe that's therapeutic for you? Hope to chat with you soon. Hang in there, and happy gardening!

Gardening is where it all began, girls and guys! And Eve had to mess it up - ha! Seriously, I find that first "dirt manicure" of the spring quite therapeutic!!! It has rained here today and frost probably still not outta the picture so I am holding back on planting.. but tulips and daffodils are shooting up! Any words on roses, Pirate Gal? Maybe you need to write down some of your mom's hints and advice as well... just a thought!

My mom and grandmother were both avid gardeners... I wish now that I had paid more attention to them. My granny's house was surrounded by flowers n vegetables... and just for the record... when my mom was in her final days, she mentioned that she was going home to garden with her mom - she saw colorful flowers in heaven!!!!

Gardening soothes the soul. Believe me I've started myself after years and years of my mom telling me to help her and learn. I never would until now as she is unable to keep up her beautiful garden (flowers and veggies).

I love it and there is nothing more peaceful. when it's all done you can sit back and admire. It's never ending though but well worth it.

Toochee' to your special Gardeners gigglebox. They are making heaven a more beautiful place for sure!!

What I missed out from mom is not so much gardening..but German recipes like apple pancakes and cooked red cabbage and marrow (balls) dumplings and egg noodles from scratch and some other items. I did write some notes a long time ago with her glad I did at least that, because the discussion for that is kinda over. In fact been trying my hand at the German applepancakes during the holidays told b/f was going to make some again.

I have a feeling that when I get done with the garden in years to come it will be better than my parents had ever acheived. The house too will be renovated and will look better than she ever did as well. I kinda wish they could see what I can acomplish with her. I tried to get my mom to redo the driveway to cement from asphalt...noooo, new garage door...noooo. So she would never let me try to fix the place up. Only last year when she got a little mixed up and I was with her for a month did I finally get the garbage disposal fixed...that was alwasy no as well...go figure...wierd!

I sold my parents home - the one that I grew up in - last October.. I live close enough that I can still drive by and I hope to visit again to see what improvements that they have done to the place. It was a burden off of my shoulders and I didn't have to "stage it", either. My dad wasn't very much of a handyman and things were starting to fall apart. It is great to see new life in the old homestead !

I also cherish my mother's recipes! And gardening stories... !Thanks for letting me share that, btw!!

pamela and secretsister - thanks for the suggestion. I got away for a week in Nov and it did help, but I still really want some time alone in my own home. Mom has always been resistent to the idea of going to a center during the day. I talked to her again this weekend and she is willing to consider it. If she decides she likes it, they have Saturday hours. I could take her for a day (around $55) and have a whole day to myself at home! I hope this works out.

Keep us posted - you deserve a day of peace n quiet - truffles and tv or whatever floats your boat!

"Willing to consider it" is a good start... praying that she comes around... my dad is starting to become more social after nearly 1 1/2 yrs at the nursing home... somtimes it takes time... and he's quite the stubborn one!

I love that Gigglebox: "...whatever floats your boat." Yes, we all need some reprieve, and some of that!

Oh, yeah, and chocolate truffles, too! LOL

The stubborn one is refusing to wear the new pants that I bought him now... so see... grrr!

awwwwwww! Why won't they just cooperate?

Am dreading going to visit him this week for some reason... just don't want to go.. these gray dreary days seem to have everyone in a funk here... oh well! Pray n press on!

Mia1962 how are things going? I haven't been on this thread in a while but I do still think of this post.

Hows everything going and how is your daughter doing?

Pamela, how are things with you as well?

Hey giggle my latest post is OK I'm sick of this rollar-coaster ride. They are trying to drag me into some more madness but I'm holding strong to the nae side.

Hang on and don't throw up, will ya! Don't let it get you down!
The sun will come out tomorrow - read your wall! Hang in there and hang on tight and don't let them drag you down... stay stuck at the top where you need to be!

Here's a hint - sometimes you really have to tick em off to get em outta your hair.... !!! I don't like to be ugly but if that's what it takes! Throw up on em! HA!

I have the exact same problem. I visit my mom once a month. She doesnt recognize me anymore. She thinks I am a thief and nearly stubbed me once with a knife she took from the kitchen. I think I am afraid of her. It makes me cry every time I think I dont want to see her. Mixed feelings it is really sad.

I understand your mixed emotions. My dad was real angry, hostile, and belligerent at one point. Some medications helped with that, but it was never 100% comfortable to be around him. Since then, his disease has taken the form of many changes over the course of it. He's at the point now of doing some very disgusting things. Once in awhile he surprises me, and we have a pleasant visit, but not always. He has gotten to the point where we can't understand a thing he says, so it makes for difficulty communicating with him. Can't imagine what he is thinking or experiencing, but judging from the words that come out of his mouth, his world is chaos and confusing. He spends a lot of time napping. We find ourselves spending less and less time there visiting. So I agree with you, because it is very sad to watch a loved one fade away like this.

MIA:

If I were to provide you with a link to the information below, that'd be tantamount to advertising -- and will be deleted. So I copied and pasted. Later on I'll contact the author and thank her profusely.

"Visiting with a person who has Alzheimer's disease and lives in a nursing home is not always an easy experience. You will probably have many questions before visiting. What should we talk about? What should I do when she calls me the wrong name? What should I do when he does not respond at all? How do I visit with her in front of all those other people? What should I do when other residents seek my attention?

No matter what happens during a visit, there is one important goal to keep in mind: The purpose of the visit is not to share information but to share a moment together and have a pleasant experience. To accomplish this goal, there are several tips to keep in mind:

Let the person with Alzheimer's disease set the pace.

Your loved one may not be ready for a visit the moment you arrive. Does he or she seem agitated? Does she walk away in the middle of the conversation? If the answer is yes, it might not be a good time for a visit. Or it might require that you spend the visit together just walking quietly.

Bring in supplies for the visit.

It is often difficult to converse with a person who is confused. Having a bag of supplies ready when you visit can help to make the time more pleasant for you and your loved one. Bring along old family pictures, greeting cards, stuffed animals to hold or lotion to apply. It's all right to have a visit with little or no conversation; just doing something together can also be enjoyable.

Realize that the feelings shared are more important than the content of your conversation.

When talking with someone who has Alzheimer's disease, the content of the conversation is much less important than how a loved one feels about the conversation. You don't have to correct your loved one if he or she says something you know is incorrect. If he or she confuses the year or calls you by the wrong name, it's not important. Ask questions of a general nature rather than details that he is likely to have forgotten already.

Talk about past events.

As Alzheimer's disease progresses, people with the disease are able to remember less and less of the events that happened in recent years. Most of what they remember happened many years ago. When you are visiting, it is often better to draw upon these past events than to talk about what happened over the weekend or that morning. Favorite stories can be told over and over.

Visit during scheduled activities.

Visiting while activities are taking place in the facility can help make the time more pleasant. Check with the staff to see which activities would be most suitable for your involvement.

Expect to have other residents join you.

When you are visiting a nursing home, other residents will often try to join in your conversation. After several visits, having extra people around will probably seem normal, and it may help the visit to go more smoothly. If you would like to have more privacy, ask staff for a room where you can meet with your loved one without any distractions.

Limit the number of family members.

It is not always a good idea to have several family members visit at one time since it may add to your loved one's confusion. In addition, the normal playfulness of smaller children might be too much for your loved one.

Bring in favorite foods to share. Your loved one might appreciate a special main dish or dessert. The food might serve as a topic for discussion. If possible, prepare a treat with your loved one to make it even more meaningful."

Hope that helps.

-- ED