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My LONG story is condensed with the points that my 74 y/o mom is in a SNF with mild to moderate dementia that I believe was brought on from out of control diabetes and a 3 week hospital stay. Last year we lost my only sister and of course that depression did not help. It's always good to see her.

I lost my job about a month before she went into the hospital. It was good to have time to tend to her, but she had a terrible decline in one crappy nursing home for a few months before we moved her to another one. (They are all the same) anyway, me, my mom, my sis and my aunt lived in a four flat apartment (I lived with mom) and now it's just me and my aunt. The building is falling apart and now the furnance blew so we need to move or get it fixed.

I hate how my life has become. All I do is drive out to visit my mom and back home. My aunt expects to come with me everyday and I really see no need for her to do that EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. she just sits in the corner and reads a book anyway, what is the point? It's getting to me because she is seeing this as the "daily usual". if I get the car and go out early she will see the car is gone and call to see where I am and when I'm coming back to pick her up. I feel like I have to sneak with my own car like some cheating wife.

I do appreciate her company and help at times but she is annoying and was like this when my mom was at home. She'd expect us to invite her along EVERYWHERE. If I want to do anything after visiting my mom she's there so it won't be much fun. She always wants to go to the grocery store and acts like that is the only place there is to go. There were a few times she brought up other places like we're going to be hangout buddies. This may sound terrible but I'm not trying to make my 70 year old aunt my daily running buddy. I want to do more than drive to the grocery store. I can tell I'm getting anger and resentment issues because I feel trapped and suffocated. If I decide I want to go visit my mom at 10am I can't because she's expecting the "usual" time of 2pm as that is when we went for a couple of weeks. She sees us going together daily as "the usual" and I can't stand it.

I also don't feel like I have to give her a daily schedule of what I want to do with my car. When we go to visit my mom, at the end she'll say "see you tomorrow" or if I say I will have something else to do the next day she'll say to call and let her know what's what. So she is always setting it up to where she is expected to come along or expected to know my schedule or whereabouts. I feel like it's just to have somewhere to go and get out of the house but it's really getting to me. I'm sick of her and it's terrible to want company and can't get the company I actually want! I also have to start to looking for a job. Just wanted to vent and see if anyone has some advice as to how to get out of this rut so far.

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Listen to your therapist and make changes.
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I appreciate more responses. @Rainman, I most definitetly thought of that about going at different times. You can tell how things are different at different times of the day. Thanks

@micki, my therapist had said I have a hard time setting boundaries and I do know that's true. She is continuing to do her daily call with "what time???" She just don't get it. I think if I tell her to call me they day before if she wants to go it will backfire and she will call everyday as she expects to go everyday as it is. I don't want her to come everyday. I don't need or want to hang out with her EVERYDAY! I'd like the courtesy that I want my personal time and space too. And I realized I'd still be digging a hole for myself if I call daily to say I'm busy or say what time I'm going and she should be ready at that time. If she can't catch on that I do other things besides just going to the nursing home that's her problem. I don't even want to get roped into daily calling her to lay down the law. I'm drained enough!

Thanks for the advice, I really needed to vent.
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Shini- your most recent reply gave me an idea that might help a bit regarding a valid reason to give your aunt as to why you need to visit on a varied schedule. You mentioned the need to stay on top of the NH. Visiting at the same time everyday is counter productive to that - they know when to expect you and can make sure moms all clean, not over medicated and freshly pottied for your visit. I honestly believe to have a good idea on what's really going on at a NH it's important to do surprises visits. Since you visit every day that can only happen if you vastly switch up your visiting times. Try telling auntie that in order to see more of the staff, meal times vs activity times etc your going to start visiting at all different times of day. While this is meant to help break the cycle with your aunt - it will also be beneficial to your mothers care.
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Wow, I have a lot of mixed thoughts on this one. I’m an only child so when it came down to taking care of Mom it was all on me. I consider myself fortunate that her younger sister was there and unlike yours able to get around alone and be there to by Mom’s companion when I was not available. I lived about an hour from Mom and Aunt had her own home another 45 minutes away. Aunt would come and spend Monday noon – Friday noon with Mom and I would either come Friday night or Saturday and stay until Sunday evening. Fortunately Mom could be left for at least ½ a day or longer alone. While I wasn’t burdened with entertaining my Aunt I knew she and Mom were important to each other as I am sure your own sister was to you. Most of the time my Aunt sat & read and Mom napped and watched TV or did puzzle books. When the time came to place Mom in SNF we chose to move her closer to Aunt so she could visit every day. Yes it was harder on my especially having a family with a husband that worked nights and a 14 year old son home with a broken leg. We made it work. After Mom passed my Aunt told me over and over how grateful she was for the time she and Mom had together. What a great time they had reminiscing about their childhood, their parents and their older sister who had already passed. Ten years later Aunt is still with us and I try to go out of my way to visit her when we go home to visit my husband’s siblings or my cousins on Dad’s side. I talk to her on the phone every couple of weeks and we have her and her son’s family for Thanksgiving and Easter dinners. Cousin and I split the travel to have her with us, he’ll go pick her up (he lives about an hour from her) we then have her stay a night or two with us and I take her home. I get to hear wonderful stories about growing up in the 30’s and about my cousin’s younger years (he’s 8 years older than me). To me it’s all in how you look at it, yes it was a chore but I got to spend time with people that were important to me and important to each other.
However I would set boundaries with your Aunt. Let her know, today I’m going to visit Mom at 10:00 if you want a ride be ready. Today I have numerous errands to run after I visit Mom, do you want me to leave you there or drop you home after out visit. Today I have an interview, I don’t know when I’ll get done and I’ll probably go right from there to see Mom for a quick visit so I can’t bring you with me today but tomorrow we can go at and give her a time. Engage her in conversation during your ride. What were some of their favorite foods when they grew, who were the neighborhood kids they hung out with. How has the town changed over the years? What was their favorite music, movies, actors? Find an old photo album and take it when you visit Mom and have them both go through it.
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Thank you CarlaB and bectwin. You are right. @Svetlana, it's good you can take care of your mother 24/7. You don't know my entire situation but I assure you I am very thankful and grateful that I have my mother. Never in my life would I have dreamed of her being in this horrid situation. It all began with her going to the nursing home for rehab and things declining to the point that I wouldn't be able to do all this alone. I'd need home care at least 5 or 6 days a week. Not to mention we live on the second floor with 3 flights of stairs so she'd be housebound unless we moved somewhere with an elevator or a wheelchair ramp.

I'm 40 years old and still neee believe me, I know that. But it took me several months dealing with this and I really needed the time to advocate for her. No one else would have been able to do it or expected to do it.

My post was a vent about my aunt who wants to come with me everyday. I go see my mom everyday because I love her to death and because I was trying to get things situated with her. Everyday it always seemed to be something and I learned if you don't stay on the NH or hospital they do nothing they should. There is no one else to advocate for my mother but me.

My gripe with my aunt is she has gotten into this "routine" where she assumes she's supposed to come with me 7 days a week at the exact same time to the nursing home. She doesn't even ask if I have anything else to do or asks a couple of days ahead if she can come. She doesn't get out of bed until 12:30 or 1:00 and then wants a 3 hour window to get ready so then she calls at 1:00 and expects me to say I'm going at 3 or 3:30 so she has lots of time to get ready. I hate the idea that she just figured I have nothing else to do but drive to the nursing home and back daily and take her along. Even if I do go everyday I don't always want to bring her or go at the same time every time. She don't get it. She just calls everyday and goes "I'm calling to see what time" I honestly think she uses it to just get out of the house because all she does is come to the nursing home and sit in the corner and read a book. It's just getting to me because I really have no life but trying to get one. Just annoying and suffocating. I have no friends and no social life.
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Sweetevelyn, please don't judge other people by your own experience. Your mother is wonderful and you feel honored to take care of her. Good for you (and her). Not everyone is in that situation. People in different situations are entitled to feel however they do feel about the situation they're in. They're not selfish because they don't feel as you do.
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Sweetevelyn I don't think that Shinigami is complaining about her mum but her aunt. She says that she and her mum got on well until she was not able to care for her at home any longer and it sounds to me like she has been extremely diligent in making sure that the care mum is getting the best care in the NH that she can get. Aunt on the other hand sounds like she has always been a rather lonely and needy person. She may need help getting herself involved with other groups. Shinigami it may be annoying to take her places but it might pay to go along with her on social outings with a group initially until she gains confidence and then encourage her to go on her own. Does she have her own transport? If not maybe organise a tea party or similar at her place with a group of people. There are so many lonely people out there and many just don't know how to get together or who to get together with or indeed have the physical ability or transport to get out and about. Perhaps Aunt's social skills are not very good but you often find that older people are more blunt anyway, no time to pussyfoot around! So she might not get up people's nose the way she might have done in the past. Perhaps giving her a purpose such as volunteering. What did she do in her working life? You don't need to cut her off completely I order to get your own life back, just make some boundaries so that you maintain your own good mental, physical and financial health. Prayers are with you. X
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YOU ARE FORTUNATE TO HAVE YOUR MOM! I have been taking care of my wonderful mother for almost 17 years and I never once regretted it for one minute. It is an honor to care for such a great lady. I take care of my mom 24/7 The advice from others is selfish and I would not take their advice. You should be thankful that your aunt visits your mother. My goodness your mom is in a nursing home, it is very sad when people put their loved ones in a home and then complain. I am sorry for you. I would never put my mother in a home as long as I can breath!!! You will have your life to youeself soon enough why not be kind and help with a smile.
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Thanks Elena. I have no goals to grow old with my aunt. All I want to do now is try to get a job and move so that I am set up with my own situation because if something happens to her then I'm left dealing with the building on my own on top of the grief of losing my immediate family.

I have noticed my aunt just don't seem to get that I don't want her coming everyday--but she will. I know my sister would be the same way, she would not be bothered. It's just tiring because I'm mentally and emotionally tired from everything else. She was trying to come today! I just left without her and she was all surprised. And she has somthing to do tomorrow and was still trying to did out a time I was going. I mean, really.
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I feel for you as well. Honestly, you can't get back time. You need to worry about you, and let go of the guilt. You need to live your own life if you want to be a happy person. You deserve to be happy. Enough is enough. You may need to Google the "20 Brutal truths about life." I know my experience is a lot like yours. I finally realized I'm only getting older so I made changes. I'm not quite there yet, but I now see that I'm working within a time frame, and letting everyone know it. If you want to grow old with your aunt, that is a choice. If not, a time frame needs to be expressed as to your departure without guilt. You need to set some goals on your own happiness. You are the "Author of your own story." Learn to say "This isn't going to work within my schedule, and I am making some definite changes this year. They are;----- It would be in your best interest (aunt) to map your life plan out as well." Don't let anyone put you on a guilt trip. You need to explain to your aunt, you want to live your own life. Believe me, I am doing the same thing now. I'm getting older and want to enjoy, and experience life while I can. Good Luck'
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Hi all, I didn't know this posted as when I hit "send" it said the internet cut off. Anyway, thanks for the wonderful responses. For people that think we live together we don't, she lives downstairs with herself. No husband or kids, I have no husband or kids either. What many of you said was exactly what I was thinking, that I did not want this to become "the usual" I know I'm angry because this would not be the case if my sister was here as we were best friends and constantly together. I know she wouldn't expect to come with us everywhere. I told my therapist that without my sis I don't have an excuse now and she said "you don't need an excuse" and now hearing you guys I realize that I was just creating my own problem in feeling like I have to bring her along. Maybe I just want to visit my mother alone.

I think she comes for something to do and a chance to do something while in a car. For months it had been all about my mother but even I'm getting tired of going to the nursing home. For a while I needed to go everyday because the NH would not what they were supposed to and it's a shame I needed to be there everyday to get on them. But I need and want to go back to work, I know if nothing else, it will be some socialization.

I just needed to vent because I noticed how things were getting into a routine and I was like 'oh no!' Especially when she would call and say "the usual time?" I had decided I was going to do the 'white lie' that someone suggested and say I had stuff to do afterward and it would be better she don't come. I mean if I do want to do something after visiting my mom then I have her in tow and she'll wait in the car, but still. Overall, it's just so hard without my sister,my ally and the one person I had to talk too. My friends abandoned me after her funeral. My mom got along and I enjoyed living at home and now she's not there.

Also, someone asked if my aunt was like this before and yep! Always annoying lol. I recall my mom and I coming in and she opened her front door and gave us a look like we betrayed her for not inviting her along. She said "I see you two!" And my mom mentioned that for days, we got a laugh because my Ma was so outdone that she said "I see you" like we were supposed to sneak past or something.

Anyway, thanks for the advice and I will put some of this in place because this becoming the norm is just to much. Even worse is if she calls at 1:00 and I say I'm leaving at 1:30 she will want extra time to get ready and say "oh how about 3:00?" What?! Then I have to wait. Ugh. Ok, guys, thank you!
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I agree with all. When a parent is in a home, you should go at different times of the day. Since ur Aunt wants to visit, let her go one day and you the next. Explain u need some downtime just for you. When u find a job, your time with Mom is going to be less. You may stop on the way home from work.
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You do not have to give answer to this person, your aunt. It is very important that you have a life, else you will crumble under this immense pressure she is putting on you! Don't allow yourself to get down in a hole of depression from caregiving that you can't dig yourself out of!
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Tibrew - your younger sister sounds very much like one of mine. It's a combination of this childlike expectation that other people will take care of them (without any idea of reciprocity) and a blatant disregard for social norms and rules, or other people's feelings or expectations. My sister seems to think that since our parents are no longer able to fulfill that role (father being dead and mother being too old to care for herself let alone anybody else) that the siblings should step into the parental role and provide for her needs. However, there's no willingness to return the favor, or to abide by any expectations or conditions that the "grown-up" would attach to the help she wants.

I haven't lived with my sister since our teen years, but I've had her as a houseguest several times, every time being a nightmare for the same reasons you describe with your sister. Never contributing for food, making and leaving a mess, not helping with anything, and total disregard for anybody else's space, property or feelings.

All I can suggest to you is to get her out of your house. Barring that, try to understand that it's not personal. Her behavior of not about you, it comes from her immaturity and lack of empathy and responsibility. Also, if you want more discussion of this, try starting your own thread. Your post is getting lost within all the responses to the original poster, Shinigami.
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Holidays are basically upon us and you should be able to get a holiday job or seasonal volunteer worker position somewhere to get out of the situation you have created for yourself.

Take ownership; it's not mom's or aunt's situation but yours.
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Also, I agree, you dont need to go visit your Mom every single day, just hope I can take my own advice when Mom goes into her snh soon!
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Get a JOB!! It will be the answer to all your frustrations. It will also be cheaper than visits to a shrink. Good Luck.
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Hi there, I am going to speak frim my heart and my own personal experience with my Mom. I have given up all our funds, my time, and now my husband and I are in debt from paying for Moms bills. I, like you, took her everywhere with me, giving up jobs, etc. She has to go to a nursing home, because we are out of funds to keep her home. Your Aunt eill drain the life out of you, dont let her! She needs to get a life of her own, dont give up your life! I regret not putting my Mom into a home six years ago when they said she needed to. My marriage is suffering, we are broke, and I have not gone or done anything with my grandkids in two years! I honestly will not have fond memories of Mom, only resentment for the years she took from me. Get your aunt a new friend! Asap! Best wishes to you! Live your life!
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Stop feeling sorry for yourself, get a job, and you will be getting out of the house without your aunt. Everyone needs human contact, and if you just explain to your aunt you need time alone, and then she can visit with her sister in the SNF (which are NOT all bad), on your schedule (although persons with dementia need structured activities and times). The dementia was not "caused" by anything other than her brain developing incorrect brain signals and death of brain cells. She will not live forever, so take this time be love her while you can. Your aunt will also not live forever. The pity me game is never attractive on anyone...
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I don't want to appear unsympathetic, but maybe its time you two no longer live together. Is there a reason your aunt has to live with you? Can she live independently? You said the building needed repair and you may need to move. Maybe this is the opportunity for you to make some changes for the better. I know a lot depends on finances and I am not sure what yours are.

Check to see if there is any subsidized senior housing in your area. Some are very nice and have a senior center on site for the residents but the waiting lists are usually long. Until you find a job, maybe you can stay with a friend or rent a room somewhere.

Call the local area of ageing - they can provide a list of housing for seniors.
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If the facility where your mom lives is caring for her, offers activities, she's safe, etc., there is no need for you to go see her every day, so give yourself permission to stop that. My mom is now in midstage dementia, but can still involve herself in activities at her ALF if she chooses. She has also made friends. I go once or twice a week and take her out for lunch, run errands, shop...whatever we want or need. And I live 10 minutes from her! She calls me if she needs anything in the meantime or wants to chat. It wasn't easy at first, she was kind of resentful (doesn't sound like the case for your mom, but possibly for your aunt), but don't start something you don't want to continue. Take care of yourself. Pace yourself.
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I am 73 years old and have a 60 yr. old sister living with me. She moved in 14 months ago as she lost her house, etc. from divorce. She is unmotivated, works part time at minimum wage five days week when local school is open. Works another 15 hrs. as caretaker, when works available. Before she moved in I asked that she keep "her room" clean, and bathroom (includes small laundry area) clean. I have had to ask her repeatedly to CLEAN bathroom so no cob webs, dust, dirt, stains are on, about, around toilet, floor, etc. In return, I get excuses..."didn't see it ....yeh, O.K...well, I was tired...I'll do it when I get time ..." Excuses, reasons why dirt, dust, hair, etc. not cleaned. Not to mention the gorgeous, finished two room basement area that I had completely pained, wood stained, etc. Now, full of dust, cob webs, spider webs. So frustrated and tired of dealing with a grown woman who argues, contradicts me at each request I make to keep the bathroom, stairs, and her living area clean. My sister's idea of clean is..."If I can See the dust, dirt, toilet stains, etc. then, I clean it." I have asked nothing from her in rent, food, etc. I have paid everything since she moved in. She has never offered to help me around the house, yard, etc. She gets up late, goes to school for recess duty, comes home, gets on bed and later comes up to watch T.V. Same thing every day. She can watch me work outdoors, go up down stairs to take my two small dogs outside and back in...and no offer of help. I recently asked her to give me $100 a month that started this Oct. When I cook, usually 3 times per week, I share with her. She shares nothing with me. I feel ignored, unacknowledged, frustrated with repeating same thing. At times, I feel trapped in my own home. Mostly, I am hurt that my sister demonstrates a selfish, uncaring attitude; an "entitlement" attitude as well. Not sure how aware she is of how she affects me....and each time I try to talk with her (and not get into verbal confrontation), her answer is .."I like to keep to myself". I am at a loss as to what I can do with this situation. Getting tired, frustrated, and feeling sad.
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Reading thru these responses sounds familiar. And contain lots of good suggestions. Families have a lot of drama--certainly mine does. My grandmother used to say "Never complain, never explain". and it helped me to learn to just say no.
But seriously, it will be hard initially, but tell your aunt what YOU can ( and want to) do. Set limits with her -i like the idea of telling her when you are going out and when she can go with you. for the rest of it, you are doing your own errands or other things and you want to be alone. Take care of you and don't get into a spiral of feeling you have to do things for others that you don't want to do or that cause you frustration. It is not selfish it is self preservation.
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I have been my dad's caregiver for 8 or 9 years. During that time I have also taken on helping my legally blind aunt every other week (lives about 1 hour away). Dad's getting good care at NH now, and I am starting to take 2-3 days off from visiting him a week because the hospice counselor told me was in burnout and I needed to make changes or have a total breakdown. Now, my aunt's care needs are increasing. Yes, she tells me I'm the only one who listens to her, who will help her, etc. She wants me and me only. I have told her that I just cannot do it all and I need help. I assure her I am not going to desert her, but I need her to accept help because I need help, and I must continue to work. I have set up home care through the county for her, and there is also the potential for getting county help to take her places. I wonder if your county/state has something similar that could come in and take your aunt to visit your mom a few days a week to allow you to do what you want to do, whether it is visit your mom or take a day or two off. It is hard, hard road,and I encourage you to draw these or similar boundaries _now_ because as time goes by and the more you are there, your aunt will only get more needy of your presence.
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Shinigami, stay strong and for your own good, tell your Aunt what ever it is that will open up your life. Also agree she's priming you, whether she realizes it fully or not. What a tough situation as she always knows if the car is home, you are. Tough to add you'll have to be moving but this may be the silver lining... please make sure you do not move close to your Aunt, to open up some privacy for you. You're doing this all out of love and respect, and that is very honourable and admirable.
I have concern for you that you're setting yourself up for whoknows how long... its all relative. To sum up, I quit my job 7-ish yrs ago to look to my (then) 86 yr old mom, and get to other career goals. Dementia with ultimate denial came, her anger phase only ended 2 mos ago. Gave up on looking for work as she became the ft "job" - those of us who slid into it unwillingly & unknowingly know we were not seeking martyrdom. Its a tough road. Its also kind of tough to say relatives' expectations and innocent invasions of privacy can be a bit much.
Sounds like you're single and no kids? I know for a fact that doesn't help your situation.
Possible ideas, please take with a grain of salt, but please don't get too close to the caregiving game. Your life, your future - if you don't look to you, who's going to?
- you can get a casual job online, to ease up possible interruptions at home for a time... these jobs often come with scheduled conference calls that can last up to 3 hrs
- invent a job and great ideas above to present her the days you can take her - for the days that something comes up or you need an extra day, tell her you got called in (picked up an a.m. shift).
Please don't set yourself up for an impossible "routine" that could last for decades.
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Agree with all of the above. Another idea would be to take your Aunt to the NH to visit your mother and leave her there while you do whatever you like. Also I would try to get her interested in building her own life. 70 is still young and lots to do! Check out your local Senior Center and encourage her to get involved in activities and make new friends of her own. Remind her that you need to be working and once you have a new job you will not be around. She wants to stay fit and mentally capable as long as possible I'm sure and one of the most effective ways to ensure this is by having an active social life of her own. As do you! If you are interested in running or exercise by all means go ahead. She is not likely to want to join you and regular exercise is a brilliant way to kick start your life back on track the way you want it to be.
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Could you just tell her that with all the caregiving, you are finding that you need some time alone, and that the time in the car is sort of your regrouping time - time when you can think and recharge your batteries, have a good cry, or whatever. Let her know you'd be glad to take her to XXXX at YYYY time, but the other errands you run you prefer to be on your own, and just have some solitude.

I agree, that breaking the habit of her coming along will be the key, but it will also be hard. She could be coming along because she is bored, or she wants to be with her sister, or even something else - but that's what will make redirecting her on this tough. Good luck, it's for your own well being - keep that in mind :)
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I can totally relate to this, and I empathize, Shinigami. This type of thing is one of the (many) reasons why I can't live with my mother. When you become somebody's sole source of entertainment, transportation, and outings to the larger world, they can get clingy. The maddening thing is that they (your aunt, my mother) don't seem to grasp that this is not the same relationship for you as it is for them. My mother always like to think that "we" are going to the grocery store or to the library together, never acknowledging that I have a grocery store and a library much closer to my home and I'm going way out of my way to pick her up and drive to her local grocery store and library. It's a welcome social activity for her, but an obligation and a chore for me. Your living situation would drive me crazy, very quickly.

I agree that some white lies are in order. Make up job interviews, dentist appointments, exercise classes, volunteer work, anything where she won't want or can't reasonably expect to join you. Mix it up so the "regular" daily NH visit falls off the schedule, replaced by visits once or twice a week at unscheduled times that she can either fit into her schedule or not as she sees fit. You both need to break this habit before it gets too ingrained in both of you.
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The aunt is the mother's younger sister (mother is 74, aunt is 70).

I take it the aunt doesn't drive?

GOOD catch that the aunt is grooming Shinigami to become HER caregiver when the time comes!
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Aunt wants to go for a ride,even if it is to the NH.
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