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OK, I'm going to try and respond to all 3 of the last posts in this one reply, so please bear with me. :-)

Grandma1954, I'm certain there are wills in place. The contents of them simply have not been made known to us. A trust is not necessary for my dad's estate, and my stepmom's is not our business. Dad's things come to us and hers go to her family. The only issue, as has been brought up, is where he will live if she predeceases him. We do need to get that question answered, however unlikely that scenario may be.

Llamalover47, there are a host of excuses my stepmom gives for not allowing anyone but a few select blood relatives in her house while she is not there to supervise. It is not uncommon for the elderly to have issues with outside caregivers, and to be fair, my stepmom is elderly, too. I have also known her long enough to know that she and my father can be equally stubborn. My sister may be making some headway in getting my stepmom to bend, but if she won't, we will have to get to the point where we just say, "Sorry, we tried. You're stuck unless you are willing to change."

Churchmouse, my dad is so able-bodied for his age that there is a part of me that thinks it is extremely sad that he has taken to his chair. He could be living so much more life since he is still here, has his mental faculties and can even drive. There are so many folks decades younger than him that can't do half of what he can do. And, I am sympathetic to a caregiver's need to get away. I also have a longer track record with my dad. I've known my stepmom for 20ish years, but I've known Dad my entire life. The roots are deeper and I feel more potential for success there. So, I guess that is why I feel bad for the both of them. They are, in a sense, imprisoning themselves. If Dad would come stay with one of us even for a week, Mom could get a break. If Mom would allow someone to stay at her house with Dad, she could get a break. But one of them needs to budge. I guess I had more hope of getting Dad to budge than Mom. Even my stepbrother says that she is unlikely to bend. So, we are at an impasse. In the end, if neither of them will budge, we will have to let the crumbs fall where they may. At the moment, my sister thinks she is making progress, though, so we shall see.

Thanks for your input!
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JungleJan - you seem to have a good read on the situation. It boggles the mind that SM can't see that since she is the one asking for help - that perhaps she might need to take it as she can get it. I mean, it's not like she's doing you or your sister some big, benevolent favor - allowing you to give up a week of your time to look after your father and she's making a sacrifice in going on vacation. Doesn't seem she's expressing a whole lot of gratitude. Sorry - I don't know her, she's your SM. But if I had someone willing to come stay with Rainman for a week at no charge - well, I'd be falling all over myself thanking them. As it is when our guy does come for the weekend with his wife, I leave a generous eating allowance that includes all of them, clean the house like Michelle Obama is coming, new soaps, fresh sheets and towels - even micro brew beer in the fridge for after Rainman goes to bed - and we pay them besides. I guess that's why I just don't get it. But then again - when my mom first started showing signs of dementia I'd beat my head against the wall repeatedly trying to reason with her over the most simple, basic, obvious stuff! I don't envy you this awkward and trying situation. Good luck!
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Rainmom, thanks for your reply. I think the difference here is that our help is "expected." My parents did a good job raising us. We had a stable, loving home, were not abused, and generally felt safe. We always had what we needed. My dad worked 3 jobs at one point so my mom could stay home when all of us kids were at home. So, naturally, we should honor Dad (my mom passed away far too young from cancer) by being willing to help out. And generally, we are. Some of us have more ability to do so than others, but we are willing. And, we are willing to tag team ,if needed, to do so. The blood sibling relationships are sturdy enough that we can accomplish some things through teamwork. So, I think some of it has to do with that expectation and just *how my stepmom thinks* that expectation should be realized. In her case, she thinks it is in getting Dad to leave so she can go away without having to think about anyone being in her house while she is gone. If this were not a blended family situation, this issue just would not exist. Our family is far from perfect, but there is a loyalty, love and gratitude among us for our upbringing that makes us want to give back and do what it takes to get it done. In fact, that was modeled for us as our parents looked after both set of their parents during our childhood in our home for portions of their elder years. It's really just that our stepmom is making it hard for us to help. We do see that. We're just trying to find that balance between our willingness to help and the fact that, hey, she married someone 11 years older than her. If I might be a little irreverent for a minute, she really should have seen this coming! I guess she didn't research the history of longevity in our family...doh! Seriously, I care about both of them and just want to try and help if we can, without any of us losing our minds in the process. Thanks for your input!
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Your parents did a good job raising you - seems you've turned out a good person. Well done!
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JungleJan: Yes, you're right on point about saying "sorry, we tried. You're stuck unless you're willing to change." Good luck!
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Jungle: Maybe your sister will get through to your step-mom.
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