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I'll try to keep this as short as possible. My grandfather recently had a toe amputated about two weeks ago as it became infected (diabetic). He had to then come home on IV antibiotics, that I was to administer (i'm his grandson and POA). One day when I went to visit, a few days after the surgery, he had a nurse in his room and joyfully told me "this is emma", the happiest i've seen him in his life. He has never introduced me to anyone like that or acted like that, so I thought he was just having a great day and being taken care of very well. After she left the room he kept saying things like "she really likes me" and smirking, and I would just affirm that shes a good nurse.
She then left, and another nurse came in. He had told me that if he needed a home nurse, he wanted her, and i informed him that it wasn't possible. He then wanted me to get her address so that he could visit her, which i informed him was not appropriate. She returned that night after i left. The next morning when I returned, he stated to me that "well, Emma and I had it out last night. I called her a name, and I really didn't mean to make her mad", and then proceeded to state "I really loved her".
The next day I came into visit, it was a quick visit because I'd be picking him up to go home the next day, and we'd be transitioning to home health. He had asked me to help him pick out a christmas card for her when he got home.
That night, he also got his PICC line placed, and was his joyful self like he had been for most of the hospital stay (even though he's normally very frustrated and agitated in that setting), I was surprised how well he was handling it besides the nurse situation.
When I had returned to pick him up, on the way to his house, we had been chatting when he randomly informed me that he was moving, and when questioned, said him and this nurse were getting a house and he needed me to withdraw him a few thousand dollars from his account so that he could help pay for the house. I informed him that unfortunately that wasn't going to happen, and that she was his nurse and that's all. He raised his voice and asked if I wanted to bet, I left it at that. There was only ever one other nurse during this stay that he seemed to act differently about as well, she had stated that if she won a million dollars, they'd get a beach house and bring their families. He then informed the next nurse that he was going on a trip, and getting a new family.
This brings me to the uproar. I got him home that night, and my father stayed the night with him. That night, he told me that he needed to buy Emma a sweater, and find a way to get it to her. I informed him that it wasn't a good idea and that they couldn't accept gifts like that. He then asked (as he did when he was admitted as well), for me to write his phone number down. After I did that, he wanted me to write down the number to the hospital because the "nurses told him that he is supposed to call every few days and let them know how hes doing". I knew he wanted to try to contact this nurse and wouldn't give it to him. My dad informed me in the morning that he was very agitated throughout the night and moved stuff back where he had it before (he lives in a very cluttered house, and i cleaned and reorganized so that he could come home and have home health). He told my father he was going to "have a talk with me".
The next morning, myself and the HH nurse went inside, we didn't even get past the consent form. She asked if he had a POA, I said yes and informed her that it was me, and he lost his mind. He began yelling at me saying that he doesn't need help, i'm not even his grandson because i don't have the same last name, he's never loved me, etc.... he wanted me out of his house. I had an emotional meltdown and left. The HH then called an ambulance, as he no longer had a caregiver, and took him to the ER where he was later placed in a nursing home.
See first comment for remainder....

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UPDATE:

Thanks everyone so much for the support in navigating this time. My aunt and uncle were to the home this morning to drop some things off, and he seemed to be having a good day. He joked with them like his normal self, and asked where I was and why I haven’t been visiting. My aunt said she didn’t think he was talking to me and he said “what do you mean why wouldn’t I talk to him?”. When they left, he called my dad and said the same thing.

I decided to take advantage of that current mindset and went to visit for the first time in the NH. He was very pleasant, still fixating on the few same things and asking me when he could leave/whispering to get him out, etc

I just informed him that it was no longer up to me and that he was in the right place. He dropped it and moved on. He did bring up Emma but I was sure to play along with it, agreeing to buy her the sweater and mail it with his name and phone number in the box. (Obviously I won’t be doing that).

He even apologized, said he didn’t mean what he said and that he loved me.

His roommate seemed to be helping him cope with being there, which was great. The nurses have him in line for some mental evaluations to see if it is dementia, hospital delirium, anesthesia effects, or a mixture.

He seemed to be in and out of being with it.

Overall, it was a great day and Im glad I got some closure on his statements (even though I know he didn’t mean anything) it was nice to see a good day, as I’m sure there are many worse days ahead.
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Daughterof1930 Dec 8, 2024
So glad you had a positive visit with your grandfather. You’re doing well adjusting already. There may be many “new normals” to get used to but he’s blessed to have caring family, be getting evaluated, and kept safe.
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This is a good point. There is also a condition called diabetic delirium; it's uncommon but can happen if the blood sugar rapidly escalates way too high or way too low. Just mentioning the possibility since you said his need for surgery was due to complications of diabetes. (Following on to what lealonnie1 wrote.)
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Brandon, if all this unhinged behavior came on suddenly with grandpa, as in right after his surgery, it can be hospital delirium which is not the same as dementia. Delirium happens when an elder gets anesthesia (especially) and/or is in the hospital or a nursi g home for awhile. They are out of their element, confused, and even delusional for quite some time. I saw it with my dad after a hip surgery, and while in rehab as well. My daughter had to sleep at the hospital with him to keep him calm and grounded. My mother was so out of it she was seeing mice running on the floor, and trying to pack her stuff into the napkin pouch on the lunch tray! She was ranting and raving something awful too.

During such episodes, they're scared and displaced, saying things they don't mean and shouldn't be taken personally. I know how hard that is, however. But trust me when I tell you the old grandpa still loves you. The new distressed one doesn't know left from right at the moment.

Now, he may snap out of this fugue in time, as dad did. Mom had dementia already when she was experiencing hospital delirium, but after a couple weeks being out of rehab, she DID improve.

Also, check what medications grandpa is taking, especially pain meds/ opioids. Those can seriously affect a person's cognition if they're old. Dad was 90 and reacting very poorly to Vicodin, refusing to eat and vomiting, feeling dizzy, etc.

I'd wait a bit to have grandpa tested for dementia because he's likely to score much lower now on the SLUMS or MoCA test than he normally would, giving you a false diagnosis.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation and grandpa a quick recovery.
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My husband had his phone on speaker by accident I heard my husband who has dementia tell his counselor "Don't take this the wrong way but you are the only person I can talk to! He was going on and on to her about everything! He kept on saying don't take this the wrong way to her! My counselor said to report her because she never once said your wife is helping you! She kept on saying don't talk to her! Leave the room when she comes into it! A real nice thing to advise an already nasty person! I have been real sick with Lyme and my home visit nurse was upset with my vitals and wanted me to go to the hospital immediately! I was on two phones my cell and home phone trying to get someone to take me to the hospital! The cell phone rang and it was his counselor demanding to talk to him! She said why are you using his phone? I said it's my phone and he doesn't have a cell phone since he has us in debt and no longer drives! I told her I'm headed to the hospital and I'm probably calling 911! She insisted he get on the phone! She instructed him to help me and she kept on saying Will you help her? He ok I'll help her! He gave me the phone and she said I told him to help you! I said you believe him? Ask your doctor! She knows he lies about everything! He then walked away to the other room! My nurse was yelling at him to get things for me together! His counselor never called back since! It has been over two months!

They fixate on one person! My grandfather used to be in love with a server at a local dinner! She visited him in the hospital and nursing home! She had severe problems and he listened and felt bad for her! My mother was very upset by her! He had a horrible marriage and felt compassion for her! I'm glad he had someone to think about in his dying days! We never knew if he gave her any money! He wasn't a rich man my grandmother took everything from him! I hope his girlfriend liked him because he was a very nice man! You should try to get someone from outside the family to talk about her to see if there should be a concern!
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Reply to Ihave4dogs
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Correct answers have been given. I want to add that it is very possible that your grandfather, because he is most likely experiencing some sort of dementia, will forget all this that has happened recently and you can have a nice relationship with him again. The best things to talk to him about are his long ago life, which he probably remembers well. And you will get a lot out of his past as he tells you his stories. So anything going on in the present that he gets agitated about, just redirect him somehow to something from his past. It takes a bit of practice and a lot of ignoring what you feel, redirecting yourself, in fact, to concentrate on what will help him, rather than being hurt by what he says, which is really his illness speaking, not him.
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IMO when he got fixated on Emma, she should have been made aware. This probably happens all the time with nurses. They know how to handle it. She could have come in and told him that she was sorry but she could not have a relationship with him because she was married. After that, another nurse should care for him. My daughter had a patient get fresh, she told him it was unapproriate and if he did it again, she would not be his nurse.

You did nothing wrong. You handled it very well. So did the admitting nurse when she found out no one would be with your grandfather. I am glad coming to the forum has given you some peace. You know, they are OK till they aren't. Even surgery like this is a shock to the system.
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Thanks for your story, Brandon.
I see below that POA is already taken care of and that Grandfather is in good care in facility at this time.
I am hoping you will see to it that he's fully assessed soon for his dementia. There isn't anything to be done about it at this point, no matter type, but it can help with staging and with knowing what to expect.

Hope you will come to us with questions when you need to.
As you are already the POA do know you can consult an elder law attorney to see your rights and fiduciary duties, which start at meticulous record keeping of every penny into and out of grandfather's accounts.

Wishing you good luck. Start with education by watching Teepa Snow videos on youtube and making a study of dementia on the internet.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Brandon, all the information others left is great, the only thing I wanted to add is, when you said your afraid your relationship won't be the same again. Sadly today it probably won't, because your grandpas brain is broke. The sad reality of what aging does to the brain, but you are an amazing grandson.

Best of luck, come back anytime, for any questions you might have, or update us on how things are going. Your story really touched me, thanks for sharing it.
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Tiredniece23 Dec 8, 2024
So true. My relationship with my aunt who has dementia is now gone and it saddens me. I just remember the aunt that she used to be.
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You did a Good Job as a Grand son and the Nursing Home has Nurses he can fall in Love with there and Other Patients . Let It Go . Elderly people will say Mean things when frustrated and since you are the only caregiver you become their target so Take what he said with a grain of salt . My Mom would give me Hateful Looks ? My Dad had temper tantrums - I did not take it Personally because I knew they were Ill .
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It's very good of you to help your grandfather. Being his POA does not obligate you to physically care for him. Yes, this sounds like some kind of dementia. It's possible that the anesthesia made it more pronounced. You did not do anything wrong. This fixation with the nurse is similar to people with dementia getting caught up in imaginary romances with scammers online -- they believe what they want to believe, not what the reality is. This one just happened to occur with a real-life person.

If your grandfather needs to go back to the same hospital, let them know about his fixation so they can ensure that Emma does not come within his sight during the stay.

There are medications that can help calm his agitation. Ask the medical staff at the facility he is in to help with that. You can work with your family (father, uncle, whoever is relevant) to help with whatever POA forms are necessary through the process, IF you can all get along while doing so. Try to gather the necessary info from the family, or by checking his wallet without him seeing you, that you will need for POA forms.

Once he has a diagnosis, if dementia and what form, you can check back here for more information and support. Please keep us posted on how this is going, if you have time.

I realize this was very unexpected and a shock, but realize that he is reacting in hurtful ways because his brain is not functioning normally. It's not his fault and it is not your fault.
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brandonranck Dec 7, 2024
Your answer has provided me so much information and understanding. I am already his POA and have control of his finances/etc, so that is out of the way. I just have to go to the nursing home Monday to put it on file (since he was just admitted on Friday night, and is telling them that he has no POA or advanced directives).
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I’m sorry for your hurt in this. You didn’t give your grandfather’s age, assuming he’s elderly, a hospitalization or surgery with anesthesia can often be a game changer for a senior. There is what’s called hospital delirium and negative effects of anesthesia. Just getting off routine doesn’t help either. Please, no matter the outcome here, don’t take your grandfather’s behavior as anything personal toward you. You’ve known him before and know this new stuff to be out of character for the person you’ve always known. If it is dementia, it will mean he’s lost the ability to reason and make good judgments. He will need family more than ever, even if he can never see that again. This is the time POA is for, and a diagnosis of dementia will mean it cannot be changed by him. Give the evaluation time to happen. Take some time to process and adjust to the circumstances. I hope you’ll come back and update, you’ve found a group who cares
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brandonranck Dec 7, 2024
Thank you so much for your input. I'm so glad that I found this group, I feel like I have a support system already and i've only posted once.
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The ER called and asked me to take him to the nursing home, and then called me back and told me that he didn't want me around because "I'm keeping him from the love of his life". My uncle took him, and he would not talk to him, and told him he was never eating again (he had asked what he had for dinner).

This has completely torn my family apart, and i'm emotionally damaged. I'm hoping that he didn't mean anything but it's very hard to hear and I'm having a hard time coping.

Could this be alz/dementia? Is it side effects from anesthesia? He's being evaluated, but it's going to take time to get answers. I dont' know where to go from here. Even after this inpatient rehab nursing home, I don't think he will be able to return home, because i'm the only person that could physically care for him, and at this point, I really don't think that I can do it, for both his and my sake. I'm really hoping that he will come back around, and our relationship will heal, but i'm very upset, and terrfied.

Any information, suggestions, input would be greatly appreciated. So sorry for the long post.
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funkygrandma59 Dec 8, 2024
Brandon, anesthesia often can cause dementia type symptoms in the elderly and to me that sounds like exactly what has happened.
In some cases it can get better in a few weeks to a month and in other cases the damage has been done and it will only get worse.
And if he was showing any signs of dementia prior to his surgery, anesthesia can certainly amplify that.
You have done the best you could, and now you must leave it up to your grandfathers medical team to determine what is the best next step for him.
Please don't take anything that your grandfather said/says personally, because if his brain is now broken, he really can't help it.
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