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You are in my prayers but its time for you to wake up. Someone like that has to have mental issues. You are the only one allowing this to happen. Spend more time with your family. If she yells constantly whats the difference?
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My Mom just raised the stakes!

Mom's been hording pennies and hid a bunch of her pennies in a box and hid it under my bed several days ago and never said anything about it, and I didn't notice it.

(I knew she had been digging around under there, but didn't know about the box)

Tonight she started accusing me of stealing them and then lying about stealing them... Telling me she handed me this box and that I did something with them... THAT's when I realized she put them under my bed! I spit on my "man card" and stormed out of the house.

Some women just have to set a guy up, then start pushing buttons...

What do you call it when you set a guy up just so you can give him crap?

I know Laura Schlessinger would call it "evil"
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She set me UP!
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Wait a minute. What on earth makes you say she does not have dementia??? She is forgetting where she puts things constantly and she does not have the judgment to realize that you are close enough to over hear her. She may recognize people and have relatively good long term memory, but with long-standing diabetes and complications as you descrbe, vascular dementia would be much more common and presents much more like this. She is also in a viciuos cycle of terrible pain and terrible anxiety nearly all the time, which is not good for thinking skills either, and/or related to severe depression or complicated grief. On top of everything else she has lost, she is losing her mental abilities and may (or may not be) painfully aware of it vs. in total denial and unable to cope with it (hence blaming YOU for the problems, as you are handy and no one else is available for that purpose). Is there any chance she could come visit your family, either in your home, or even get out of the house sometimes? Anything to get her mind off of pain and fear...and is her doctor working on these issues, to be sure the meds are right and nothing is actually making her worse?
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I just saw the post about the pennies and you storming out - if she behaves better for a little while, you'll know she has just enough marbles left to realize she went a step too far..but again, how could she really expect a stunt like that to have any kind of positive result unless she's lost quite a few of them??
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ONLY 1:

There must be a powerful, underlying motive for not tearing down that breezeway. If there really isn't, I'd set aside 15 min. every day to check up on Mom. The rest of my time would be spent bringing home the bacon and sharing it with the people who are supposed to come first.

Whatever the case may be, she'll own you until you decide to respect yourself.
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Hank, it is time to step back, realize this is not all about you, and do some reading on dementia. Hiding a treasure (for sakekeeping), forgetting about hiding it, and accusing anyone handy of stealing it is VERY COMMON among dementia patients. This is not about women who have to set a guy up and then start pushing buttons. This is about someone who has a disease that prevents her from behaving rationally. It happens to both men and women as dementia progresses. People in nursing homes hide their eyeglasses in a tissue box, the box gets tossed out by housekeeping, and they accuse the caregiver of stealing the glasses. A guy in assisted living (somewhat paranoid) hides his watch in a flower pot, forgets that he did that, and accuses another resident of stealing it. This happens all the time.

A compassionate response is "Oh Mom, I'm so sorry that your pennies are missing. I would never cause you distress by taking them. I will help you look for them." Storming out of the house is understandable if you know nothing about the disease process and are taking everything the poor woman does personally. It is time to change that by learning about her disease. It will help not only her, but especially you, as you will realize she is not just pushing your buttons.
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My mom is 71 and I am 52, her only daughter...I am seeing some of the symptoms described here and am so frightened yet relieved to hear others are going through the same or similar situations. I am glad I found this site. It explains a lot of what I have been living but still not sure how to deal with all of the difficulty I have been having with her lately. I thought she was just being mean as usual but it seemed to escalate and be nonsensical in the last few years. Mostly about very petty things, but they build up, like she is so disagreeable just to get a rise out of me...I have since become numb to her personal attacks, everything from picking on me and my children to meddling within the family and trying to cause trouble between me and my brothers(3) and myself and even saying horrible things to my own children to try and get them to turn on me. Fortunately, we caught on , for awhile we fell for her manipulative and scheming gossip, but soon realized she could not help it this is who she had become and it was scary. After retiring, she had a lot of time on her hands with nothing to do and so she just became an annoying busybody always demanding attention from me or my brothers and telling us that the other said this or did something to upset her. It was like a crazy house because at first we all believed her but she was making it all up and would then sit back and watch us all argue with each other. She actually got a kick out of it. When we suggested she get a hobby we did not mean this. She refused to socialize with anyone and everyone dreaded being near her for long and for fear of being a victim of her wrath. She has always been pretty bitter about things since her life was not a happy one (but who"s is?) and so I always tried to make her happy and took her on our family vacations and weekends shopping or dining, but she always ended the day by berating me on the ride home. I offered to build her an inlaw apartment attached to my home in order to relieve the stress of constant driving and just being able to keep an eye on her but she refused and since she lives about 45 minutes away she expects me to drive there and back to bring her to my home and just to take her out. She is perfectly well and able to drive but wont. She even told a cousin that since we moved so far away from her she would purposely fake weakness so that we would have to drive her back and forth, yet she drives herself whenever she wants to go anywhere all day everywhere she goes. We moved several towns away because we could not afford to stay in the area and also to live a more rural lifestyle away from the city. The fact is I don't mind driving her but it's the rudeness and verbal abuse I cannot handle any more. She speaks to me as if I were a child always telling me how to do things and trying to control every situation, in public or in front of family! I feel so guilty because I love my mom but she has pushed me over the edge. I am recently divorced and she did not support me through it, which was difficult. She blames me for everything and when she misplaces her jewelry or things she thinks we took them and then they show up months later wrapped in a hanky somewhere in her closet. It is so frustrating and deep down hurtful....I read somewhere in a spiritual support book that we should humble ourselves when our elderly parents abuse us ...but I'm not sure I understand. I need to be strong for my kids and my mom wears me down to the point of depression and not wanting to see her. I don't know how to handle it. I thought we would be able to enjoy the golden years together but this is worse then when I was a kid. Are there any groups that she can join that would empower her with an awareness of what she is doing to her family? She would never go to therapy and is old school like that. How does one stay sane?
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How do you get your elderly mom (71) to stop berating you in front of family or strangers? ....and she tells people things that are untrue like "my children don't care about me " or "my children leave me alone" when in fact she has the best kids in the world like love her and do everything for her. She is a real drama mama and LOVEs attention- at any cost.
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Only 1 of 8~I can relate to what you are going through. You are a man a great integrity to stand by your mother!! There is a wonderful thread on this site about dealing with narcissistic family members. I suggest you read the posts. First you need to set boundaries with your mother. When she becomes verbally abusive, leave her home and go to your home. Tell her why you are leaving and that you will not tolerate her abuse. Make arrangements with home healthcare to come to her home after you leave. You must approach this the same way you would when dealing with a child having a tantrum. I go through this all the time with my mother who has a personality disorder. She has gotten worse as she has aged and I refuse to let her treat me as though I have no value. Second, you need to learn to detach from your mother emotionally. This takes practice but it works. Setting boundaries with your mother will help you to detach as well. Please check out the thread "How to Deal With A Narcissistic Mother" and "Dysfunctional Families". There is wonderful information on both these threads. Good luck to you!
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There are many of us in the same dynamicand because our parents are living longer and longer, there are more years involved with "care-taking" of them into our own later years. My mother is still very spry and lives alone at 81 but since her 60s (my sister and I are now that age!) she has always expected us to do laborious tasks for her. She is very wealthy but will not spend the money to get basic house-cleaning and gardening done.....in her 7200 sq ft house recently purchased. We have our own families and home responsibilities and, of course, want to help where and when we can but we are beginning to have our own health issues & that she decided to purchase such a large obligation, well, we are NOT envious of her home, we are MAD! She hasn't provided any verbal nor written instructions regarding her vast finances and medical needs so we have not a CLUE as to where to begin to execute her desires, whatever those are, which is offensive and mean-spirited. Yes, our parents are aging and it seems there are those that just don't want their children to be at peace.
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This post was started about 6 months ago, how are things now? Did you do anything different or continued on as the lone ranger, trying to handle it all on your own? I am trying my best to take care of a 90yr old MIL, who is mean, evil and nasty some days, all because she doesn't believe SHE has a problem, SHE truly believes we took her life away by removing her from her home in Florida to live with us in Ohio, when she can not be left alone. It's hard when you are forced to give up independence to be in someone else's home, lose freedoms, start losing mobility, memory, etc. I know all about the "stealing" issues as my MIL will put things up, forgetting where. Especially her money. She will crease, fold, crease, fold until a bill is itty bitty. Then she will hide in a tissue, a piece of paper, in a pillow case, in a tissue box, in a sock, shoe - everywhere strange, except her purse. Then can't find it, accusing me of stealing & telling family members how I steal her money. So untrue. I'm a very sensitive, soft spoken, get feelings hurt easily type of person, so I am not handling this very well. I have never been treated like this by anyone - so I am astonished over her accusations. The doctors tell me to "look the other way", "ignore it", but I can't. It hurts.
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With all that's going on you might think me crazy for suggesting you sit down and read a book but I think it will give some perspective and help you feel not so alone (just as this forum is doing). It's called Elder Rage, or Take My Father...Please! by Jacqueline Marcell.
I really appreciated it (eyes winced at the language!) for the sense of perspective (yes, others have it worse than me), the humor (laughter, the weapon of choice in stressful circumstances), the pathos, and the psychological battle was so insightful. There's a resource section at the end because the writer felt it imperative to share her hard-earned knowledge with other adults caring for their parents. A great caregiver commiseration!
Kudos to you for continuing to try to work with your mom. I hope you get more assistance and relief.
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It is difficult to place your loved one in a home. I moved my gma into my home because the nursing home was neglecting her. Her daughter has written her off as my grandmother is and always has been a cruel abusive person. Grandma is moving! Take care of yourself guilt will kill you. My grandmas Md said I would pass away before her because she has a little slave girl to abuse. Sound familiar?
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I have a similar situation! she is just plain evil! I placed her in a facility recently and simply dont respond to hernasty phone calls. I take care of herneedsthrough others, until their small savings is depleted...I deserve to live, too! Im fifty three and refuse to entangle myself with her endless eeds. im learning to be okay with it, regardless what she has told other family members about me, including stories of me taking her money and other nontruths. i have a dad, also in a memory care unit with end stage Alzheimers. Ive changed, drastically. I've hardened a bit in order to deal with all the financial and medical issues. when possible, I dream of a one way trip to a lovely place to stay and leave no forwarding address. it keeps me sane. my counselor gave me the book and CD set on BOUNDARIES, by Cloud and Townsend, as well as The Mom Factor and Hold Me Tight. all helpful reading.
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Thanks...TLCinLONETREE...before finding this website I was a basketcase of guilt..I have always treated my mom well and put her before myself and she too has bashed me to my family saying the same things and worse, all untrue, and it broke my heart to the point of crying myself to sleep over it and deep depression. I could never figure out why she was doing this. All I ever wanted was for my mom to love me and recognize me. I threw my mom a retirement party and a huge birthday party and she never even calls me on my birthday , but then again she was always mean to me since I was a child. I do not exist to her and all she wants from me is to be her slave, I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. I too had to detach myself and get tough and not let her break me. I have to be strong for my own family. Which she has also tried to tear apart. Luckily, I have great kids and have a lot of support and understanding from them. God knows what I've been through with my mom, I just hope someday she realizes how she destroyed me. Hang in there and I am looking forward to getting those books. Thanks again.
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Sometimes you just need to step back and gain some distance in order to see the situation more clearly. You need to remember that your family should be at least as important as your mother. Try to find some help...
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I have no advice as I am in a similar situation...but I must say KUDOS to you for doing your very best. It's not a cut and dry to say send her to NHF and attend to your wife. Old age, dementia, pain all these things are illnesses. She does not intend to be mean to you, talk about you or cut your down to size. I am going thru this too and try very hard to rememeber that my elder is not who she once was. These diseases rob our loved ones of their previous personalitites, but it' not personal. You are doing a great job, esp. taking her into your home.
This is so draining, taxing and emotional for all caregivers and it trickles down to our other family members. Don't lose sight that you are doing right by her, and that in the end, you will be rewarded for your help, patience and doing right by her. I firmly believe that we get what we give. If I were an ornery elder, I would hope someone would offer me the care, support and love that you are offering to her. Hang in there and KNOW you are a good son, who has loved his mother in good and bad, and that in her heart of hearts; she loves you.
Gentle hugs!
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I think that it would be best if u could send her to a Nursing home or an Independent living center for 24/7 where She might get proper treatment and proper care..... By doing this u might get your life back as well as your family..... she will remain the same as long she lives...... I mean what else she could do.... she will definitely tell lies to the staff over there but U will gain what is yours i mean your independence,....
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I think that it would be best if u could send her to a Nursing home or an Independent living center http://fairwayssupportedliving.com.au/everyday-support for 24/7 where She might get proper treatment and proper care..... By doing this u might get your life back as well as your family..... she will remain the same as long she lives...... I mean what else she could do.... she will definitely tell lies to the staff over there but U will gain what is yours i mean your independence,....
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Yeh I know we are supposed to honor our parents and help them but parents should also care about their off spring enough not to ruin their lives in their later years. I am a wife dealing with a bad situation with both my inlaws in varying degrees of dementia. My husband is completely obssessed with their care and it has just about ended our 33 year marriage. Life is horrible and I see no end in sight. When my mother inlaw has moments of clarity she always finds a way to insult me and to remind her son that she is his responsibility. She giggles and uses this sickening baby voice. I have long term care insurance, a living will, and have given my grown kids written instructions to place me in long term care when I become unable to care for myself. As a nurse I know this won't be pleasant but I will not do to my kids what my selfish inlaws have done to us. We had talked about 15 years ago with them about living wills an such when one of their parents became ill and they sent her to a nursing home They always said no way were they going to long term care and that was it. Of course these were people who would not baby sit their own grand children unless they were paid. By the way my husband is an only child and our kids all live out of town so we are it. I have never gotten along with them very well and now that the expectation is that I help care for them I cannot deal. I have considered leaving or even suicide but I would never do that to my kids. I do not want to hate these people but I want their care turned over to healthcare workers who are not related to them.
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robi115, are you seeing a counselor? I think that might be worthwhile step here. You deserve a chance at happiness. Get some professional input on how to pursue that goal.
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Only1of8, Your Mom sounds like mine. Exactly, but your family is way more important than your Mom at this point. Mine is, too, but Mom lives here and that was a BIG mistake. I am just starting to get help with a home agency. I understand the punishment, the tearing you down in front of others. I feel so betrayed. I overhear what she says about me. I used to lay into her when I overheard her, but I usually let it go, now. We're on the verge of putting her somewhere else. If this agency help doesn't work, she will be going somewhere. Some people attribute it to dementia, but she has been always been this way. If you read things about "Narcissistic Mothers" and children of them, you will also get a better understanding. This sounds like a problem she has. I am just figuring this out myself. I had her in a geriatric psych place and they didn't even figure it out. They just called it depression and anxiety. HELLO?! I kept trying to tell them she's always been this way. Nice to others, not to me or my sister or our kids. If she's not adored, then she throws you under the bus. the more she throws us under the bus, the less she's adored. It's a vicious cycle. I just noticed this was an old post. Hopefully, things are all changed now.
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About a year after my husband and I married (at ages 49 and 59), his mother, who lived 300 miles away, was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. Since my husband had planned to eventually move back to his hometown, and I had agreed to move there too when he retired, we decided to give up our jobs and move closer to her. Since I was only 50, I had planned on getting another job. Big mistake. I gave up a good-paying job and then couldn't get another one in the new area. I had been working on my PhD as well, and had to quit that, too. I ended up working online for a pittance, and the endless sitting and typing caused constant back pain. I finally quit last year, after five years of pain and frustration. Guess what: my husband does not want me to collect disability, but he resents the fact that I am no longer working at all. Of course, his mother is dead now, too. So I gave up my career, and for what? I was willing to move and help his mother, but had I known that my age and career path would actually work against me in the new area, I would have stayed put. I ended up wrecking my own life when I couldn't save hers.
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I was blown away when you said your Mother did not have dementia because her actions are so much like my mothers. I think I would beg to differ with the doctor who gave you that diagnosis. My mother has hidden and lost her checkbook so many times and then screams and yells at me that she cannot find it, so we search the entire house trying to find where she has hidden it. She has begun to accuse me of spending HER money which is a laugh as she could not have afforded to stay in her home without my help. I took the checkbook away and she is no longer given it, no matter how loud she screams!

I too made the same promise as you did, not to my father but to both of my parents. They took care of me when I was sick so I felt I owed it to them. I can tell you it is not worth, losing your family, losing yourself or losing the respect. What you are going through will negatively affect you, your spouse and your children and you may not know it at this moment but you will find out later, possibly when your wife is filing for divorce. Possibly when you children's grades begin to fall and they fall into depression....this affects the entire family and it does not make any difference that they are "not allowed in her house!"

This is madness and it needs to stop and you do not have to feel that you have let her down, she is SICK. You need to stop allowing her to beat you up and tread all over you. It is okay to stand up and say "Mom this isn't happening any more, you have pulled this BS long enough. I love you and I will make sure you are cared for until the day you die, but I will not allow you to stand around and verbally beat the crap out of me every single day!" Even if you do not actually say this to her it has to become your mantra.....what you live by.

I would hire a care giver and bring them in and let them know first that they are dealing with a strong willed, mean woman.....open the door and throw her in and stand back. Let her scream, she will get over it. She is use to always having her own way and uses bullying to get it.

If I was your father I would say to you, "Son I am so sorry that I asked you to make this promise to me. I had no idea that Mom would get to be this bad. You have your own wife and kids that you need to be making memories with, not becoming so stressed out by Mom and her demanding ways. I know you love Mom just as I did and I know you are a good son, therefore I am releasing you from your promise to me. Just please make sure that Mom is taken care of in a home or with and in home care giver, but son go ahead and live your life. I Love You! Dad"
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So many of us never dreamt that taking care of a demented spouse or parent ultimately meant putting them in the hands of strangers. The best we can do is ensure those strangers are the kind of people who really put their hearts into the care they provide.
Check every avenue - Medicaid offers same-as-nursing-home care through their Long Term Care Waiver program. This varies by state so check your state or county Aging office. Veterans and their spouses get a small benefit to help pay for care in the home or in assisted living. There're also programs to cover LTC in a facility and a program in which they (or their rep) can, direct the care needed. Be warned all of these can take a VERY long time so work with a vet advocacy group. And getting help to relieve you of care for an abusive, narcissistic parent IS the best way to take care of both them and you because they're not allowing you to do your best by them. It's tough but it isn't forever; when it's over, you need to have the peace of mind that you really did do your best in caring for them.
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Only 1 n 8, please put your wife and family first. You have apparently done everything humanly possible to help you mother but as others have stated, she is Unhappy and their is nothing else you could do to satisfy her and make her happy. Happiness comes from within and your relationship is so toxic it will kill both of you. I would tell her I will turn everything back over to a neutral party and leave if she does not get help and appreciate what you are doing for her. She does not need to be catered to in the with the abuse you are taking. And what about your wife?? How long will she put up with you being with Mom all day and not spending valuable time with her? I would not stay with my husband if he neglected me to to point it appears you are neglecting your wife. I wife should come first. And if you can afford help, then you don't need to be there every minute. I hope her psychological evaluation goes well and maybe they can help with her depression but it sounds like you are being an enabler and don't get me wrong it is wonderful to and want to care for your mother. But, you cannot continue to cope or you will have the break down and will not be able to help yourself or anyone. I know you are tired and weary and you must learn "tough love" and your own limitations and stick to it. Don't stop caring for her unless she needs professional help somewhere else but divide your time and give yourself permission to be happy and spend time with your poor wife. How is she taking all this?

Warm wishes,

Sunny
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Like my father, your father decided for his own reasons that he would stay in his marriage with an impossible wife. That was the choice they made. You and I did not choose our respective parents. I can't speak for you, but I can say for certain that I would NEVER have stayed in a marriage with a spouse like my mother.

Your father drafted you on his deathbed to be his replacement. You are not merely "taking care" of your mother, you have stepped into your father's shoes--an unnatural, unhealthy, and unproductive place for you to be (not to mention what the situation is doing to your relationships with your family and to your children's sense of self and emotional health).

What you describe proves that the arrangement is not improving your mother's state of mind, nor anyone else's. If you believe that the situation and the sacrifices, damage and pain that it entails is what your father had in mind for you (and your family), then he had no right to ask such a thing. If he loved you as a father should love his son, he would not have asked such a thing.

You seem to have conflated "taking care of" you mother and trying to please her--which I hope you see by now is impossible. Making sure she does not suffer and has her physical and medical needs met does not require you sacrificing your life. Promising to take care of your mother does not mean that *you* personally have to provide the care.

Stop throwing your life away. Your mother could go on this way for another decade. Your children would be grown and you would hardly know them. They would likely be damaged in significant ways if they are forced to adapt to the present situation as "normal." Their adult relationships will be unhealthy, and their adult relationship with you is anybody's guess. Why you would choose to spend their childhood catering to a mother who abuses you instead of being with your own children and spouse who love you and *need* your love to have emotional health will be impossible for them to understand. When they say "You weren't there for me when you knew I needed you," what will you say? You cannot fix the damage once it's done.

Every hour you spend absorbing your mother's abuse (all versions of which I'm sure you have heard dozens of times) is an hour you miss discovering, supporting, shaping, and loving the individuals your children are becoming. Your mother will never change. She will die the way she lives.

But your children, who they are, or will become, is still an open question. As their father, it is your duty to put your energies toward giving them wings and modeling a healthy adult relationship with your spouse. The damage you are doing to your marriage, I can't imagine. If you were in your wife's shoes, how long would you stay in this unhealthy (for her and the children) situation? The damage you are doing to yourself is extreme. You must put a stop to you mother's reign of terror.

She belongs in a nursing home where her abuse is directed at professionals who cannot be personally damaged by it. She will be cared for and will not be alone. Surely, that is what your father wanted. If he wanted you to sacrifice the prime of your life, you marriage, and your children's emotional health, he had no right to ask that of you and if he was any kind of father he wouldn't have.
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Mom needs a proper diagnosis and she does not need to consume your entire life trying- and failing - to make herself feel any better. The memory issues you are describing could be mild cognitive impairment at least, and the intensified narcissism could be depression as well as lack of insight and empathy. If she had any judgement, she'd realize that abusing the last child that is even willing to have anything to do with her is not going to get her what she wants.

I guess I have never understood the "sharp as a tack" statement when it comes to people like this...there really is such a thing as emotional intelligence, and just being conversationally coherent and aware of some degree of factual information does not mean someone's brain is functioning well.
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My heart just breaks for you to think you are giving up YOUR family because you made a promise 20 years ago. Things change,,,,including your Mom. I would immediately move her into an assisted living where there is dementia care/nursing to help manage her pain. She is ill and is suffering, but also appears to be making up stories most of the time. If your father was a loving father there is no way he would want you to sacrifice your much younger life and family to care for a mean woman..Forget the money.. Your sanity is worth more than any amount of inheritance
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